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Candy's Daughter

Missing my mom

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So I lost my mom almost two years ago when I was 20, and I've mostly coped fine, but it gets hard at times when I'm missing her and have no one to talk to. Now is one of those times. 

I'm an only child and my parents had separated a long time before she passed, and their marriage was extremely turbulent so he did not have the best opinions or memories of her. He is also very passive and doesn't confront things, and so I haven't been able to talk to him about my mom a lot since he just does not feel the same way I do about her loss. If he does, he won't tell me because he doesn't talk about those things. 

And it sucks because I love my dad a lot, but he wasn't very involved when I was a kid so a lot of my childhood memories died with my mom. I was reminded of that today when I ran into someone I went to elementary school with, and I texted my dad thinking he would remember her. Of course he didn't because he never met her - my mom would have remembered because she was the one who picked me up from school every day and met everyone. My dad wasn't. And it just was a big reminder of all the little things I lost when I lost her, things I try so hard not to think about but sometimes I can't help it. It's especially hard when you feel like there's no one else to talk to, which is why I decided to join this site tonight, just to know that I'm not alone and other people are dealing with losses similar to mine. 

I also had a dream last night that my mom had been faking her death this whole time, and I went back to my childhood home and she was there with my dad and she looked like she did when I was a kid, when she was beautiful and not in pain constantly. My dad was in the dream too but of course I can't tell him. 

I feel a little silly even posting these things here, especially when she died two years ago. But the truth is grieving such a big loss is a very long process, and I don't think I'll ever stop missing her or thinking about her. I've gotten better at living without her but it's still hard sometimes. 

Anyway, I don't mean to ramble. This is my first post/night on this site and I just sort of wanted somewhere to actually talk about how I'm feeling. Thanks for anyone who takes the time to read this. 

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Hello, you are very young to be dealing with the death of a parent.  Sadly, there is a community here of young people, some even younger than you.  It is very hard to feel like there's not one to talk to.  It almost makes you feel abnormal because often when you try to talk to friends they shun the topic.  It scares them and they don't want to think it could happen to them.  They also are so naive about the subject they have no idea what to say to help.  If you can't talk to your dad do you have other close family you could connect with and share memories about your mom.  Did she have siblings she was close to?  If not, it might be beneficial to find a counselor.  I know we'd all prefer to deal with these issues in the confines of our family and friends but if they aren't emotionally available for it, a counselor can help!  Many universities offer low cost counseling services, even to non students provided by counseling students.  Just a thought.  Best wishes.

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