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seachelle

Having a rough night

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Hey all, after doing pretty good the past couple of weeks I'm having a rough night again when I think about how far my mom has progressed in her dementia over the last few months.  I can tell she is trying to compensate which makes me feel bad for her.  I can only imagine how scary it must be to be able to tell that you are losing your short term memory.  I'm also being overworked as I adjust to a promotion at work and I feel more and more that our culture just doesn't allow people to feel anything but desire for money and success, not time to reinforce family bonds, not time to be sad, just work and keep being productive.  It's a sad state of affairs. I don't know if anyone can relate, but it helps to voice these thoughts that I am usually prohibited from speaking or giving any indication that I'm feeling.

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Just joined the group and not sure how this all goes. Losing Daddy has been one of the most difficult things in my life..so thanks for sharing. Like you...nights have been hard. Even though Daddy passed late Jan from cancer I'm finding myself crying myself to sleep almost every night in last couple months and can find no solace. No one seems to understand the pain and loneliness I feel. I feel like a stranger in my own home..my relationshipis becoming stagnant and resentful because I feel neglected..like there is supposed to be a magic saying that will make the pain go away. I'm 38 but I feel like a child again.. a lost child waiting on someone who isn't coming home. Any words of comfort or understanding would be welcome..

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 I lost my father December 15, 1997.    My first time dealing with that " I am sorry for your loss"         When you finally try to manage everyday task .   This always puts a lump in my throat , that I force down, as the shocking unacceptable feelings fight to come out .  Tears fill my eyes .  I pray I don't break down until I am safe back in my bed before I cry again .    

   Condolence cards getting mixed in with Christmas Cards .     

 I asked one of his friends when does the hurt stop?   She replied "Honey it never does ".  

My tears aren't as much as they where .   But loss of my foundation set fear into my simplest decision .     After all I was 30 years old who would be there to help me if I truly needed it.   

I have found avoiding stores around Father's Day and on Father's Day it so I go to the beach and meditate.    Helps .    But then there's the anniversary of his death.  His birthday.  Holidays.  

I try to focus on the happy memories -   Those funny uplifting calls he used to make , his dancing, trying to stay young and hip , flying a kite , driving.  Ect 

I wish I had the magic words that would lift this weight from your shoulders .    All I can say is your not alone.   Take a deep breathe -breath in God and exhale fear and anexity .  

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