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What do I do without him.


AdamJKing

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I lost my first born Adam on Fathers Day.

We were waiting on a heart transplant that never happened.

He suffered so much and fought so so hard to stay with us

 

26 years old.The most beautiful  kindhearted person you would ever meet.

I don't want to be on this earth anymore.I am not suicidal but....

I keep screaming in my head I want him back

I need him back.

The pain is tooo much.

I'm so scared about the rest of my life.

 

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Oh Adam ~

my heart is just bursting with sorrow for the loss of your dear son.

i have lost my two sons who's hearts were loveing, kind, and careing towards others as your..

how I've survived, has not pat answer...

i remember how I felt like you describe.    

I did not want to die ~~ but I did want to go be with each of my sons.

keep posting.

a web site like this actually saved my life as I had Neal support after each of my sons deaths...

i really care.

everyone hear feels. Your pain.

RAiNiE

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3 minutes ago, AdamJKing said:

1474319_10200282982675846_1809730061_o-1.jpg

I just want to sleep and not wake up.

I can't be here without my beautiful boy.

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Oh Adam,

after first losing a son and. Then  my second son I, too, just wanted to sleep and I just wanted to go be with my son.

 My sons.

i felt this way for a long time...

Much later down the line I realized I did not want to die, I just wanted to get away from the pain.

Adam,

thankx for comeing here and posting even tho it is all you can do .

now,

For me , many years have passed , yet I miss my sons every day.

Now I just look forward to the day when one day I will be reunited with them and all who have gone on before me.

Rainie

 

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Adam....am so sorry your SONshine boy had to leave this earth home...and your arms. We lost our beloved son, John David, in 2012. This kind of grief is very dark and heavy. Please go to the site 'Loss of Adult Child'....you will find many active grieving parents on that site....who walk in your shoes. We so understand this kind of grief. Peace to you.

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Sorry for your loss Adam I also lost my son Tommy and i understand exactly how you feel. The pain is unbearable I wanted to rip off my own skin and crawl away and die. I still want my son back and cry regularly because i know it wont happen. I believe that our children are always with us we just cant see them and one day we will see them again many years from now and it will be every bit as joyous a reunion as we imagine. I only found this site very recently and already I find it healing. I am 14 months on from Tommy;s death. talking to other bereaved parents is so helpful as we all share the same pain and I have always found a few words a quote or a picture that speaks to my soul and gives me some peace. keep posting take care

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10 weeks today.I can't stand life anymore.I don't know how to be any stronger.As soon as another day rolls around I just wish I hadn't woken up.I really really just want to die.Everyone is saying time will help-time is making it worse because it's another day without you.If I'm not sobbing I'm having panic attacks about the rest of my life.

I'm pacing all night because I can't sleep.When I do the rollercoaster starts again.

Dont know what to do anymore.

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Oh, Adam,

i am so very sorry for your unspeakable grief ~

for how can words ever say what your shattered heart & soul are feeling ?

i have lost the two sons that loved me in word and deed so i have / am walking in your shoes, so to speak ~

i feel the same as you state here ~

And you are sooo 'right on'    Time makes your loss worse in that I learned that  

the journey & pain of the unspeakable GREIF after a tramatic loss  gets worse as time goes on and the second year in ps harder as it becomes more real...

of couse each persons grief walk is as unique as our finger prints..

in reguards of the wanting not to wake up....

i realized,,,wayyyy down the line of my grief,,, a hat I reslly

did not want to die, I just wanted to get away from the pain..

keepposting here,,you are in the company of 

others who have lost their child.

i reall care,

RAiNiE

 

 

 

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TearsInHeaven

Adam, please know that this grief is all consuming and right now it is so fresh and raw for you it is so understandable that you do not know which direction to turn. The loss of your beautiful son Adam is an indescribable pain that shattered your heart into a million pieces. This is a crushing sadness and in the early stages you feel trapped underneath this pain.  I know.  I have been there. And I am trying very, very hard to adapt to this different life.  I slip soooo frequently but I try even when the trying seems insurmountable.  While your grief is unique to you, I remember the early weeks of being in so much pain, I did not want to be here.  But at my very lowest point I swear to you I heard my son telling me that "eternity is forever and  I will be there for you when it is your time".  I am soon to reach the second anniversary of the worst day of my life.  Like Rainie said above as time goes on the loss gets harder because as one of our mentors says the "shock suit" doesn't fit as tight. But it does get different.Right now your life, your heart and your soul are horribly broken.But Adam loved you and knew that everything you did for him was done with the greatest fatherly love you had. Your son still feels your unconditional love for him. Talk to him.  He is right with you to listen. Your connection with him is changed but not broken.  But you have to allow yourself to feel it. Open your heart, battered as it is, to him. He knows you tried to move the sun and the moon for him and he knows that you never failed him and needs for you to accept that. Some one on the main site "Loss of an Adult Child' said that dads need to "fix things". I see that in my husband's grief.  For 26 years Adam was a part of your life and he is STILL a part of your life.  People around you do not really know what to say unless they have walked where you now walk.  This site truly helped save me in my darkest hours because the people here are walking where I have to walk.  I know for some counseling helps and sometimes that makes a difference. But I have received support from the people here as mentors and "spirit guides" as one of them calls them.  Adam, you are not alone....

 

afterloss.jpg

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I am Adam's Mum.

I used his name when I signed up.

His dad and brother always used to have a "joke" about Adam being "My Chosen One".

Just want to get to the end of my life.This is not living.

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Adams Mom ~

i sure do know that feeling..

for the rest of my life there will always be there in my heart & soul 'til the day I die..

please know I care.

in losing first one, then another of my sons I have been thru all that goes with losing a child,,,

especially sons who love me as they did.

rainie1964@gmail

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TearsInHeaven

Julie, I apologize for the mistaken identity.  I should have looked on the profile page..... but everything I have said pertains to you--except for the "dads fix things".  They do, but mother's --well I am a mother and I know how that loss hits you.  Adam loved you on earth and still loves you from heaven or wherever your beliefs take you.  Come and post on the Loss of an Adult Child.  We have many moms who post frequently and some of them have had longer times dealing with their loss and share their experiences for us..  Some are new but the one thing we have in common is this gut wrenching loss.  Right now you need to look at things one minute--maybe one second at a time.

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Adamjking You are in my thoughts. I understand too well that hoplessness and despair and agony and not knowing how to carry on with life when living the pain feels too much.not being able to sleep going over everything in your mind again and again wondering if it could have been different, not being able to function, panic attacks not eating not being able to answer the phone BEEN THERE DONE THAT. It is horrendous and so incredibly painful and nothing seems like it will ever be right again but it will in time. I believe our loved children are still with us we just cant see them and that we will definitely see them again just not for a long long time, we need to go through this awful journey and find a purpose for living that may not show itself for a long while. you may end up fundraising for transplant patients or joining a charity that supports families it is way too soon to tell. Your experiences have the capacity to change lives but not yet you need to grieve and mourn and find your way to carrying on a day at a time until you are in the right place to celebrate being lucky enough to have had Adam and be strong enough to do something for others in his memory. I am not there yet either and I am almost 15months on but I plan to eventually volunteer in a homeless shelter because my Tommy was homeless at times before he got clean from his drug addiction and I want to help others the way he was helped. I know he would be proud of me for doing that. i still have a badly broken ankle that requires a 5th surgery in dec and more rehabilitation but i vow to have that as my goal for the future. I am not well enough at the moment either mentally or physically but I will do it because it honours Tommy.

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