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"You Have To Let Him/Her Go."


Jeff In Denver

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Jeff In Denver

Is it me???  Am I taking my feelings too far?  I strongly disagree with that saying!  (In the title).

My girlfriend, Mila, was from Peru.  She had a lot of friends here from South American countries.  At her service, one of the ladies spoke and said that Mila was the best thing that ever happened to Jeff."  (I had told her that).They all knew how much we love each other (present tense).  They all knew how gracious and welcoming I was to her friends when they visited, and when her mother and aunt stayed in our house for months.  They saw me do everything I could to help her, and they saw my anguish when she kept getting worse.

Of course they all forgot about me.  

Mila's son graduates from college in December.  I sent a nice e-mail to the uncle in Peru (in Spanish), offering my house, transportation, and I offered to put others up in a motel at my expense.   That was on Monday.  No response.  The uncle used to e-mail and call me once in a while.  He's a good guy.

I try to get word to see how the aunt and mother are doing.  I get little info.  But they don't care about me.  No concern for how I am feeling.  Nothing.  I sent them a photo of the building that I named after Mila.  I received an e-mail from someone who said that the aunt and mother liked it.  That's it.

I then sent an e-mail to one of her friends, who used to contact me.  I told her about the candle-lighting ceremony.  I included:

"...It's my problem, but I am a complete mess over this.  I am absolutely devastated.  I see a psychologist several times a month, I take anti-anxiety medication, and I am a wreck.  
I am studying about afterlife and think that Mila still loves me and hears me. That's the only thing that keeps me going.
Jeff"

Her partial response:

"Jeff I thought you were accepting and getting better with time, I am sorry to hear that, you have to let her go; we all think about her, but she is in better place, no pain, no suffering, not worry, not feeling a burden."

It floored me. I wrote back.

"I think a better place would be having her here with me, in good health.  Her life was stolen from her by a nasty disease, and I am left with a shattered life without her.  I feel for her mother and her aunt.  I can't imagine what her mother is going through.
 
I told everyone that she was the love of my life, and I meant it.  At the service I said that she was the best thing that ever happened to me.  If I didn't mean that, I wouldn't feel like this.  She was a once-in-a-lifetime person, and now she is gone.
Grief is love turned inside out.
After something like this her friends and family go back to their lives and things get back to normal for them.  I now come home to an empty house.  Our future together is gone.   Mila IS the love of my life.  We used to talk on the phone 15 times a day.  We were everything to each other. We were best friends and we loved each other.   We were a team. I now wake up without her.  I go to bed without her.  I go to NYC next month without her.  I can't tell you what this is like. There are no words.
 
I can understand her friends forgetting about me, but I am sad that her family has.  Even her son, who has lived in my house during college breaks. I did everything I could for them to make them feel welcome and comfortable when they were here.   They saw how much I love Mila and how much I did to try to keep her with us.  I did everything I could.
 
Now my days are empty, and I have a lot of problems with the city regarding my new rear deck, fence height.  They just called me and I couldn't even talk.  I was too upset.   My life is a nightmare.
 
If I didn't have my friend Cindy up the street and two sisters who care about me, I really wish I would get hit by lightening."

 

 

 

 

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no Jeff...it's no you.  It's the horrible grieving that is left behind for us to deal with.  It is still so raw for you right now.  I'm 2 1/2 years out and just last night I kept going over and over all the hospital stuff!!  ugh...it truly sucks.  

As far as her family distancing themselves from you...I'm not sure. Perhaps it's painful to remember how much she loved you?  Just a thought.  I know I stepped away from all family on both sides.  As crazy as I know that is, I wanted nothing to do with anything that was "our" life together.  It was unbearable for me to be around everything that we did as a couple, for him not to be by my side.

It is all a learning process as to how to continue life without our beloveds by our side.  Hang in there Jeff and be gentle with yourself.

Peace,

Marty

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claribassist13

I completely agree with your view. 

We cannot go back to being the people we were before we met our loved ones and we certainly cannot go back to being the people we were while we had them with us.
Their deaths have fundamentally changed us. This is the point of no return.

I am sorry to hear about her family. I don't have any recommendations/advice to give because my experience has been so different.
I was already a member of my fiance's family long before his death, and his death only brought us closer together. I lived with them the week of his death as I helped them plan his memorial service, and stayed over on weekends for months on end after that. I still see and talk to all of them every single week.

I guess I would just keep trying to reach out. They may choose not to respond, and that is their loss. All you can do is show them that you care. 

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velvettuberose
7 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Is it me???  Am I taking my feelings too far?  I strongly disagree with that saying!  (In the title).

My girlfriend, Mila, was from Peru.  She had a lot of friends here from South American countries.  At her service, one of the ladies spoke and said that Mila was the best thing that ever happened to Jeff."  (I had told her that).They all knew how much we love each other (present tense).  They all knew how gracious and welcoming I was to her friends when they visited, and when her mother and aunt stayed in our house for months.  They saw me do everything I could to help her, and they saw my anguish when she kept getting worse.

Of course they all forgot about me.  

Mila's son graduates from college in December.  I sent a nice e-mail to the uncle in Peru (in Spanish), offering my house, transportation, and I offered to put others up in a motel at my expense.   That was on Monday.  No response.  The uncle used to e-mail and call me once in a while.  He's a good guy.

I try to get word to see how the aunt and mother are doing.  I get little info.  But they don't care about me.  No concern for how I am feeling.  Nothing.  I sent them a photo of the building that I named after Mila.  I received an e-mail from someone who said that the aunt and mother liked it.  That's it.

I then sent an e-mail to one of her friends, who used to contact me.  I told her about the candle-lighting ceremony.  I included:

"...It's my problem, but I am a complete mess over this.  I am absolutely devastated.  I see a psychologist several times a month, I take anti-anxiety medication, and I am a wreck.  
I am studying about afterlife and think that Mila still loves me and hears me. That's the only thing that keeps me going.
Jeff"

Her partial response:

"Jeff I thought you were accepting and getting better with time, I am sorry to hear that, you have to let her go; we all think about her, but she is in better place, no pain, no suffering, not worry, not feeling a burden."

It floored me. I wrote back.

"I think a better place would be having her here with me, in good health.  Her life was stolen from her by a nasty disease, and I am left with a shattered life without her.  I feel for her mother and her aunt.  I can't imagine what her mother is going through.
 
I told everyone that she was the love of my life, and I meant it.  At the service I said that she was the best thing that ever happened to me.  If I didn't mean that, I wouldn't feel like this.  She was a once-in-a-lifetime person, and now she is gone.
Grief is love turned inside out.
After something like this her friends and family go back to their lives and things get back to normal for them.  I now come home to an empty house.  Our future together is gone.   Mila IS the love of my life.  We used to talk on the phone 15 times a day.  We were everything to each other. We were best friends and we loved each other.   We were a team. I now wake up without her.  I go to bed without her.  I go to NYC next month without her.  I can't tell you what this is like. There are no words.
 
I can understand her friends forgetting about me, but I am sad that her family has.  Even her son, who has lived in my house during college breaks. I did everything I could for them to make them feel welcome and comfortable when they were here.   They saw how much I love Mila and how much I did to try to keep her with us.  I did everything I could.
 
Now my days are empty, and I have a lot of problems with the city regarding my new rear deck, fence height.  They just called me and I couldn't even talk.  I was too upset.   My life is a nightmare.
 
If I didn't have my friend Cindy up the street and two sisters who care about me, I really wish I would get hit by lightening."

 

 

 

 

Jeff, I understand perfectly what you are saying. Walter was not in good relations with his parents, especially his mother. They had an argument a week before he passed. When he was taken to the hospital, I called my in-laws to tell them that Walter was having a heart attack and all they could say was "okay". They live 45 minutes away from us. When he was pronounced dead, they were notified again and showed up at the hospital almost 3 hours after his demise. The time of death was 6:20pm; they came at 9:00pm. I did not want to see them not talk to them. At the church when I was talking to the pastor and the Army chaplain, my mother-in-law was worried about what her family coming out of town was going to eat after the church ceremony. She did not care that her son was dead. When I had the committal ceremony for his cremains, they were on vacation; they did not attend the service. Very sad, right?!!!

I haven't seen them since January and don't wish to. They are toxic people who did not have any respect and love for their son. And I don't want to hear about how much they suffer. They don't. Their actions prove it.

Unfortunately, neither our loved ones nor us chose this path. The pain is there and will not entirely disappear. When we love and lose, we suffer. 

So, don't have any expectations from them. Just take care of yourself...I know it sucks. It does....a lot. Yes, you did everything you could. Nature had another plan. 

I am going through a bout of depression because I am still having a hard time accepting that Walter is gone for good. Even after almost 9 months...But I fight every day. Work, school...Evenings are extremely difficult for me.

Just wait and see what her family is doing. Take care of you...

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5 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Thanks, Marty.  I never thought of that.  They could be associating me with the pain of her.

This is interesting:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carole-brody-fleet/spouses-death-why-there-is-no-such-thing_b_3243169.html

 

 

Sometimes we don't understand why people do what they do, or say what they say, but try not to use the little energy you can muster to worry about that.  All you need to remember is that Mila adored you and that's all that really matters.

Regarding the link.....EXACTLY!!!  I hate it when people tell me that i need to move on....I will move forward, but never get over it.  I just got home from having dinner with my friend who's father is close to passing and I wanted to offer her some funeral advice as she has never had anyone close to her pass away.  It brought back so many awful memories which is why she was reluctant to talk about it with me, but....I had to make an effort to be there for her as she was with me during my husband's passing.  Life is so hard, but we are stronger than we think and we can honor our loved ones by continuing life's journey.  I know for a fact that if my husband knew how terribly destroyed I have felt (and still do some days after 2 1/2 years) it would devastate him.  

We will be ok Jeff...it just takes a lot of time, but everyday you will make progress.  

Peace,

Marty

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What you have to let go of is not her...it's the people that just don't get it.  There is no way to make them get it, they haven't been down this road.  Even for those who have had losses, not all losses are the same and they may not get it because their love and loss does not equate with ours.  People say the most ridiculous and inappropriate things!

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velvettuberose
10 hours ago, KayC said:

What you have to let go of is not her...it's the people that just don't get it.  There is no way to make them get it, they haven't been down this road.  Even for those who have had losses, not all losses are the same and they may not get it because their love and loss does not equate with ours.  People say the most ridiculous and inappropriate things!

That is very true, Kay.

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My opinion is that you need to let them go, not her. My wife's sister committed suicide and then my wife passed all in about a year. 4 years earlier their father died. Before we were all one big happy family, we did a big father's day every year at our pool, we had barbeques, family dinners and I still take care of the abandon house my wife grew up in (my mother in law temporarily moved to her daughters while she grieves). I've called them many times since my wife passed, no answer, I leave messages, no calls back. My brother in law called just to see how they are doing, no call back. They came to our house once to collect the expensive jewelry they gave my wife over the years and that's the last that I heard or saw of them. I stopped calling them. We were all very close so I'm not sure what the issues are nor do I care I have more important things to consider like how will I go on without the love of my life, my best friend. My family has been their and so has my wife's friends from throughout her life, they call they send cards we talk on the phone and cry together. She was loved greatly and we loved each other madly. So to some extent I've let her family go. I'm sure we'll talk again but I've begun to move on from that but just that right now. I miss my wife more than words can describe and her not being here anymore consumes my thoughts everyday. 

Going to my sister's house tonight for dinner, my neice and nephew will be there and my mother to. I'm greatful I have them.

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Jeff In Denver

StevenKelly and KayC, velvettuberose, you nailed it.  I am letting them go.  I understand that they don't get it, but it still bothers me.  What they really mean is that THEY want to get over it because it's easier for them.

Steven,  I feel for you.  I don't know how you feel about the concepts of life after life, love never dies, they can hear us, love us, see our pain, etc., but it's all that's keeping me going.  I have tapped into some good resources. 

 

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There will be a time you can reconnect with them when you are better able to handle it, and maybe then you can tell them like it is, in a gentle but firm way.  They really don't know and they're not likely to understand unless/until they experience it for themselves.  Right now is a good time to protect yourself though, you have your hands full just getting through the day, you don't need any more cr*p!

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Interestingly, many years ago I began researching this very subject and learning techniques to communicate with the after life. Right now I only have the heart to work and sleep. I've told her I will be talking to her one day.

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claribassist13

Jeff,

Death is something that either pulls families together or causes them to fall apart. 

There is statistical research that, specifically after the death of a child, the majority of couples do not last. I think a lot of that has to do with the way people grieve. It's difficult to be with people who are grieving, let alone try to stay in contact with someone who is grieving in a completely different way. Sometimes it can work, given enough time. Sometimes, the divide is just too great. 
It important to keep in mind that you are all grieving the loss of someone special to you, but that the grieving process is doing to differ from person to person due to a host of factors. People who grew up in families/cultures where emotion is not expressed very often will likely do what they can to avoid emotion. My fiance's parents grieve in completely different ways, and it was a source of tension between them for a long time. 

Sometimes, we just have to temporarily let people go as we try to help ourselves. 
I was the confidant for my fiance's mother for months (I still am). She talked to me about all of her grief, about every single thing. I was, and still am, willing to let me tell me about all of her grief, but I got to the point where I had to distance myself from her emotions for a while. She is a grieving mother and was therefore so consumed in her grief that she couldn't see mine. I know that she recognized that I was also suffering greatly, but her pain was so great that she couldn't ask how I was doing. Nothing was worse than her grief.
That is not a bad attitude to have, and it pretty natural actually. I know that there have been times where I thought my grief was the most important, or I failed to recognize another person's grief. However, the toll of being the only person she really talked to, without reciprocation, was extremely damaging to my grief process. I put off grieving for months while I tried to care for her. Eventually, I had to pull away before I did any significant damage to myself.  

I guess the point I am trying to make is that we aren't of use to anyone else if we aren't well ourselves. I cannot speak for Mila's family, but maybe give them the benefit of the doubt. They love Mila, and in turn, there is some part of them that recognizes how important you were to her.
I'm not sure how my fiance's family can stand to be around me sometimes. I know that, for his mother, I am a constant reminder of the future her son could have had. Maybe Mila's family is reacting in this manner?

Honestly, no one really knows. I doubt that Mila's family knows why they don't want to talk to you. Grief brings up all sorts of conflicting emotions. Maybe they are just trying to protect what sanity they have left. I am sure we can all relate to that.

I hope that Mila's family will reach out to you again. Even if it's just the yearly Christmas card type of contact.
However, you do have to do what is best for you. I would just carefully consider all the angles before you decide to completely cut them out of your life.

 

I apologize if this post is not as clear and concise as some of my others.    

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Steven,

I have found that meting out what we can handle has been helpful to me too, there'll be a day you can do more than you can right now, but for now, just trying to make it through the day without losing your job or starving to death is quite a feat.

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