Lost my wife of 22 years

[4Hdad]

On the morning of August 29th, my wife passed away from a ruptured cerebral aneurysm. She was only 40 years old.

In the time since I found her that morning, I have been all but numb. We've two beautiful girls, 21 and 14. Also with us is her mother, who's lived with us for the past year or more. I've made all of the arrangements, we have held a wonderful service, and we've got support coming from all over the western US. She was a horse woman; it was her passion, and that community is very caring and takes care of its own. It is truly amazing.

It's been three weeks. I've gone through her wardrobe and invited close friends and relatives to take what they'd like, to wear or just to remember, and the rest is ready for donation. I've rearranged the bedroom so it's better suited to having only one person there, and so it is not a constant reminder of the last morning she was there with me.

My oldest daughter is in college and seeing a counselor, and that is exactly what she needs. I know him, he was our family therapist a while back, and he is great. He helped us out a lot when we needed it. My youngest has no desire to see him and I'm not making her go. She has the horses for therapy and it's exactly what she needs. The horses were her and her mom's thing, so I am stepping up in that role, but I also see the need to not step over her and try to take the reins. She knows what she's doing - my only role at this time is to ensure she's doing it safely. Gotta be a dad when those moments come, even if she doesn't like it or appreciate it at the time, and in the last three weeks we've had a couple of them. They are minor in the scope of things.

We had our own accounts, and I am having to do some forensic analysis of how she got to where she was financially. More important than that, though, is finding a path our of the hole we were living in that I knew nothing about. I have always paid all of the bills and half of the mortgage, which has been in her name for only for the past few years since we refinanced. What I've found is shocking. She had bank accounts and credit cards that I was not aware of, and all of them are behind. We were two months behind on the mortgage and getting pre-foreclosure letters. Letters from debt collectors that she'd never opened. This is what I am finding. All told, the money that goes to me from her life insurance and retirement accounts will almost cover her debt that I've discovered so far, while everything that was to go to our girls will go the them, to be used for college. If she were alive and I learned all of this, I'd probably have been pretty angry at being left in the dark about so much. Today it's all inconsequential and the only thing that matters is making sure our kids have everything they need to succeed in life. All I've ever wanted for them was to be happy, well-adjusted people, and in that respect they are simply amazing. They're my favorite people.

So now I'm trying to figure out where we go from here, what the new normal is going to look like. If I can get rid of some debt, we can make our two-income household work on my own income. I've told the girls to not worry, we will make it happen - and I'm not lying, we can. It's just going to take a little creativity and me giving up some of the things I used to take for granted.

Throughout all of this - the surprise financials, the arrangements to make, the many, many phone calls, I have not had a moment to grieve. I don't know what that looks like because I don't have the time or the energy to just break down and lose my **** for a while. It hasn't come. I have guilt over that, because shouldn't I be a train wreck right about now? I've just lost the love of my life. Don't I feel anything at all?

The truth is I do, but my falling apart isn't going to make anyone else's life easier, which is what we all need. I mean, I find myself consoling the people that come over to console me. It doesn't even seem weird to me that this is the case - it just is what it is. Life is unpredictable.

I realized today that it's been three weeks since she's been gone, but to me it feels like it happened just this morning. I go through every day just putting one foot in front of the other just to get by, just getting **** done because it needs to get done and nobody else is going to do it. I am truly numb. I woke up the other night from a dream that she had died, and for a moment right as I was waking up I thought wow, that was a fucked up dream. Then I realized that it isn't a dream, this is my life from here on out, and every moment of every day will feel the same as that moment. She's gone.

[Jeff In Denver]

I am sorry to hear this, and am sorry for all that you have lost.   It sounds to me as though it really hasn't hit you yet.  We all grieve in our own way.  You have a lot to deal with.  I wish you the best.  Feel free to post your thoughts here.

[4Hdad]

Thanks Jeff. I know it hasn't hit home yet. Everyone tells me that it will once the dust has settled.

[claribassist13]

4Hdad, 

The first few weeks are typically spent in this fashion. You are busy preparing arrangements and dealing with all the other logistics of death (what an awful phrase). 
Psychologically, you are probably still a state of shock or denial over what has happened. You'll probably feel this way until about the sixth week. That seems to be a common spot for people to really begin to grasp the reality of the situation. 

Don't feel guilty for not feeling now. Your feelings will come, and that is an unfortunate promise. Just remember to allow yourself to feel whatever emotions will come your way. 

Your wife looks at peace in the photo you shared. It's easy to tell that she loved working with horses. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife, it must have been a real shock.

Don't hurry to pay off the bills. I did that and later found out I wasn't responsible to (I remortgaged the house to pay off the hospital and doctors and ambulance).  Laws vary state to state, so get some legal help finding out where to go from here.  You might want to talk to the bank, esp. since the mortgage isn't in your name, but again, start with legal advice before you do anything.
I'm sure it seems very surreal to you.  You will have time to grieve, this is a very busy time right now.  However you are feeling is right for you at this time, there are no right or wrongness to our feelings and believe me, with grief, we can get the whole gamut, sometimes conflicting ones at the same time.  They're all understandable and just to be lived through.

I've heard it said, Fake it until you make it.  That pretty much covers it...we put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  And when we can't, we curl up in a ball and cry.  Either is understandable!

[4Hdad]

Thanks all, I am hanging in here as best I can.

[StevenKelly]

So sorry for your loss. I lost my wife August 12th.

[maryshelley]

So sorry for your loss, and glad you felt you could share your thoughts here. I know what you mean about all of the things that have to be done, and the kind of numbness (denial, shock) that you feel at first. I lost my husband of 20 years on August 18th. It was violent and unexpected. I ping back and forth from a kind of zombie-like denial that this is reality, and a crippling sadness that often leaves me screaming and crying in a corner when my son isn't home. I think that what you feel is just what you feel. People keep telling me it will get less intense. I so do hope that is true. Your daughters are very fortunate to have a father who understands that they have different needs in dealing with the grief, and who supports them in the process.

[KayC]

Maryshelley,

I love your picture, you're a nice looking couple!

[Jade954]

On 9/20/2016 at 3:15 PM, 4Hdad said:

On the morning of August 29th, my wife passed away from a ruptured cerebral aneurysm. She was only 40 years old.

In the time since I found her that morning, I have been all but numb. We've two beautiful girls, 21 and 14. Also with us is her mother, who's lived with us for the past year or more. I've made all of the arrangements, we have held a wonderful service, and we've got support coming from all over the western US. She was a horse woman; it was her passion, and that community is very caring and takes care of its own. It is truly amazing.

It's been three weeks. I've gone through her wardrobe and invited close friends and relatives to take what they'd like, to wear or just to remember, and the rest is ready for donation. I've rearranged the bedroom so it's better suited to having only one person there, and so it is not a constant reminder of the last morning she was there with me.

My oldest daughter is in college and seeing a counselor, and that is exactly what she needs. I know him, he was our family therapist a while back, and he is great. He helped us out a lot when we needed it. My youngest has no desire to see him and I'm not making her go. She has the horses for therapy and it's exactly what she needs. The horses were her and her mom's thing, so I am stepping up in that role, but I also see the need to not step over her and try to take the reins. She knows what she's doing - my only role at this time is to ensure she's doing it safely. Gotta be a dad when those moments come, even if she doesn't like it or appreciate it at the time, and in the last three weeks we've had a couple of them. They are minor in the scope of things.

We had our own accounts, and I am having to do some forensic analysis of how she got to where she was financially. More important than that, though, is finding a path our of the hole we were living in that I knew nothing about. I have always paid all of the bills and half of the mortgage, which has been in her name for only for the past few years since we refinanced. What I've found is shocking. She had bank accounts and credit cards that I was not aware of, and all of them are behind. We were two months behind on the mortgage and getting pre-foreclosure letters. Letters from debt collectors that she'd never opened. This is what I am finding. All told, the money that goes to me from her life insurance and retirement accounts will almost cover her debt that I've discovered so far, while everything that was to go to our girls will go the them, to be used for college. If she were alive and I learned all of this, I'd probably have been pretty angry at being left in the dark about so much. Today it's all inconsequential and the only thing that matters is making sure our kids have everything they need to succeed in life. All I've ever wanted for them was to be happy, well-adjusted people, and in that respect they are simply amazing. They're my favorite people.

So now I'm trying to figure out where we go from here, what the new normal is going to look like. If I can get rid of some debt, we can make our two-income household work on my own income. I've told the girls to not worry, we will make it happen - and I'm not lying, we can. It's just going to take a little creativity and me giving up some of the things I used to take for granted.

Throughout all of this - the surprise financials, the arrangements to make, the many, many phone calls, I have not had a moment to grieve. I don't know what that looks like because I don't have the time or the energy to just break down and lose my **** for a while. It hasn't come. I have guilt over that, because shouldn't I be a train wreck right about now? I've just lost the love of my life. Don't I feel anything at all?

The truth is I do, but my falling apart isn't going to make anyone else's life easier, which is what we all need. I mean, I find myself consoling the people that come over to console me. It doesn't even seem weird to me that this is the case - it just is what it is. Life is unpredictable.

I realized today that it's been three weeks since she's been gone, but to me it feels like it happened just this morning. I go through every day just putting one foot in front of the other just to get by, just getting **** done because it needs to get done and nobody else is going to do it. I am truly numb. I woke up the other night from a dream that she had died, and for a moment right as I was waking up I thought wow, that was a fucked up dream. Then I realized that it isn't a dream, this is my life from here on out, and every moment of every day will feel the same as that moment. She's gone.

I am with you.  My husband passed unexpectedly September 2. I knew nothing about the finances. I knew no passwords. I know the feeling of going through all of the paperwork and wanted to vomit and cry at the same time. He owned a company with his brother too and that is a big old mess. Stay strong. I know everyone says that but I think we are all stronger than we think we are.  one thing I have learned from grief therapy and this website is that we are not alone.  It kind of gave me a bit of hope that I was not the only one on the planet that is dealing with this. Because that is how I felt, like I was the only one on the planet suffering.  You are not alone.  By the way the horses are awesome therapy. I am planning my visit to see my friends horses. Just being around them is centering. 

[bbschef]

Everyone has their own timeline for grief. I was shell shocked and it took me a month to go back to work. When I returned I couldn't cope..I needed to be home. My denial showed when I kept seeing him out of the corner of my eye. I expected him to walk in constantly. My anger grew. I was angry at Him for leaving me, at god (if there really was one), at all the people that said you'll get over it and myself for not getting on with my life. Six mths after his death I cracked..I screamed at him, swore at him, asked him to come back, asked why me, all as I was punching holes in walls and trashing the house. It is 10 years later and I still see him die in front of me so I decided to join a support group. It is clear that we all learn to cope with our loss in different ways and in different timelines.

  

[KayC]

Jade, 

That must have been hard, trying to figure out finances, passwords, business, esp. at a time when you can hardly think!  I hope it all gets sorted out soon so at least you won't have that part on your mind.

bbschef,

It's been over eleven years for me.  You are so right, everyone's timeline is different.  Those final moments do tend to haunt us...

[4Hdad]

My worry is mostly for the kids. As for the the financials, things are going to be tight for a while as I'm finding difficult things hidden under the rocks I'm uncovering in that respect (accounts and expenditures that I did not know about, mostly frivolous), but really, money is not the issue so much as the fact that she had these things so well hidden from me. 

Our older daughter had her first break-up with a boy she really cared about only weeks before her mom passed. She's taking it so hard, but she shows it by going back to that break-up constantly, every night, working herself into tears where she was well on her way towards moving past it. She is seeing an counselor, someone I know and trust, but I'm thinking she may want to move that up to twice a week for a while until some things come into perspective for her.

Long story short, the kid was a real Eddie Haskell type - very nice to all outward appearance and respectful in his interactions around us, but underneath it there was serious disrespect for my daughter that I only learned of after the fact. She wants to continue befriending his parents, who are nice folks but, honestly, I think she needs to just part with them on good terms. They may be nice people and have genuine concern for my kid, but sometimes you have to cut people out of your life completely, and that means cutting the ties that bind them to your life. This is such a case. Of course, she won't listen to me. My hope is that her counselor will help her to work through the underlying issues in a healthy way, as what I see is her avoiding the more serious, infinitely more painful issue of the loss of her mom by focusing on what is truly a lesser issue, but one where the pain can be channeled into anger and focused on a particular antagonist. I see that as destructive and only keeping that pain in her present, but I can only offer my love and support - I can't tell her how to feel.

Thank you for all of your warm wishes. And, KayC, in that photo above, I'm the one with the long face!

 

[KayC]

It could be your daughter's way of holding on to a part of him, and I agree with you that it is best she part with them all.  She is going to make her own choices though.

My response wasn't to that picture but to an avitar of a couple, I don't see it here so it could be my response posted in a different place than I thought I was putting it, I don't know.  Weird things happen when you're not fully awake!

 

[4Hdad]

Hi KayC, my mistake, I thought you were just trying to interject a little humor, which is a really good and needed thing as far as I can tell. If I didn't have that, I don't know where I'd be. 

 

[claribassist13]

I love seeing the pictures people post of their loved ones on here. They are (typically) beautifully happy pictures. It brings just the ghost of a smile to my face. 

[KayC]

I too love seeing the couples pictures, or pictures of the person they lost.  You see the love between them and realize all the more why they're here.

Although the horse is good looking too!  

[4Hdad]

9 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

I love seeing the pictures people post of their loved ones on here. They are (typically) beautifully happy pictures. It brings just the ghost of a smile to my face. 

Smiling and happy is how I want to remember my wife. In her portrait in our bedroom, she is smiling at me, and I can see still hear her loving and encouraging yet somehow smart-assed comments. After 22 years we knew each other pretty good, and I've no doubt that if our roles had been reversed, she'd be hearing my smart-assed comments as well!

[claribassist13]

6 hours ago, 4Hdad said:

Smiling and happy is how I want to remember my wife. In her portrait in our bedroom, she is smiling at me, and I can see still hear her loving and encouraging yet somehow smart-assed comments. After 22 years we knew each other pretty good, and I've no doubt that if our roles had been reversed, she'd be hearing my smart-assed comments as well!

 

I think it's great to know a person so well that you already know what they would say. 
I can do the same thing with my fiance. I see his expression and hear the tone in his voice. It makes me laugh sometimes. 

[cgmiller63]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband unexpectedly on September 9th and I'm still in shock and disbelief.  I've been told things will get easier, hang in there. 

[4Hdad]

Anybody mind if I vent a little?

I was just told by my daughter in no uncertain terms that I am not welcome to train my wife's foal, which is now technically my foal. She's 2.5 years old with little of the essential ground work done.

The horses were their thing. I was only involved when it came to money and labor. My daughter owns the 11 year old mare, our foal's dam. I had to leave the arena just now so I would say something I'd regret. 

I get that this was their thing. I was really looking forward to training this foal as a way to stay close to the things my wide loved, as a way to see her dreams through to life. I know I've got the ability to train this little foal. l certainly have the desire. That's why it hurts so much to have my daughter shut me down and shut me out like she just did.

Honestly, I see the way she handles the mare and she's far too harsh. She punishes her, yells and jerks the halter, for the slightest things when the goddamn horse doesn't even know what she did wrong, doesn't understand at all what the kid is asking her for. No wonder her mare, her 4h horse for the past three years, disqualifies her from every event. Now, her intention is to do the same thing to this foal that isn't working for the mare.

And I am stuck. She's grieving and this is her relief, her connection to her mom. Her trainer him she and her mom loved, quite frankly, sucks. She spends more time gossiping about the barn mom's than anything else, and over the years our mare hasn't improved. My daughter's knowledge has to some degree but she has a bunch of holes in her training that explain why every 4h event turns into a goddamn failure. Now, I am not welcome to point these things out in any way. I'm an outsider, and it doesn't matter that I can see things from the outside that they either ignore or are completely blind to. I'm just a wallet and a day laborer, and anything beyond that is met with harsh words, a 14 year old's know-it-all attitude, and resentment.

Part of me knows I owe it to those horses to step in. Part of me thinks I need to step back and let her have her outlet. Part of me is just angry at the goddamn fucking world and the complete and total **** hand we've been dealt.

I'll figure it out. In the meantime, I just needed a place to vent. I apologize if this isn't the place for that.

[Janice 252]

Hi 4HDad. So sorry for your loss. My husband passed away very suddenly 22 days ago and I am presently trying to deal the endless paperwork. I have 2 daughters too and although a lot older than yours are both dealing with their grief differently as we all do. Don't worry about  venting on here. This is exactly the place to do it. You're dealing with so much . We all understand. Hang in there .

[KayC]

I'm sorry for what you're going through.  It sounds like family grief counseling is in order, a counselor could give input to the situation and perhaps not have it be received as hostilely as you would.  You are the parent and the horse is yours, and I would not tolerate any abusiveness of the animals, but beyond that, I'd give consideration to her handling her grief her way...just not at the animal's brunt.

[4Hdad]

It's starting to hit home. Through all of the home economics, the stepping back and letting my daughters grieve in the way that they need to, through all of my denying offers of support and instead offering my own support to others, I feel I've really held my own feelings in check this whole time. It's a coping mechanism, it's what I do. Finally, though, I am finding there are moments throughout each day where I can feel the weight of it all. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm just so god damned sad in those moments. I miss her.

I look to her for advice daily on how to deal with the kids. I look to her for approval of the things I've done in the time since she left. I listen for her voice in my head. I know it's just me trying to justify my actions and keep myself in check, and I believe I knew her well enough that I'm not bullshitting myself with this little technique. Whenever I begin to question myself, I can tune to her to check me, to see if I am on the right track. I don't look to anyone else, for anything. I don't seek out people to dump my **** on. I'm not the type of guy to unburden myself of this sense of loss by putting it onto someone else. Even family. I just don't want that kind of selfish crutch. I'd rather limp my way through the rest of this life than be a burden to others. I actually resent it when people push me to unload. I'll talk about it if and when I want to and, to date, I don't.

I often wish that it had happened to me instead of her. Our daughters would be better off were it to have happened that way; she loved this life far more than I ever have or will. We were happy together, don't get me wrong, but I am just not as attached to life as she was. She had things to live for, goals to achieve. I've been putting one foot in front of the other, plodding and dancing my way to a grave, for as long as I can remember. If it weren't for her and our kids, I'd truly have no reason to be here at all.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not suicidal. I'm not looking for an easy out that only devastates the people we leave in our selfish wake. I've spent a lot of time on the question, why am I here? The only answer that ever rang true to me is that there is no why, there is no goal, there is no reason other than that which we choose for ourselves. We're cosmic anomalies, nothing more, bearing the burden of knowledge of our mortality. A lot of people go down that road and decide that it's not fair, life isn't fair. On the one hand, they're right - life isn't fair. That's a childish conclusion, though, in my opinion, because it implies that we've been given some kind of raw deal, that we are intrinsically worth more. On the other hand is the harsh reality that outside of our own egotistical nature there is no such thing as fair. Fair only means that you believe the world owes you something, some kind of outcome that is acceptable to our selfish ego, when the truth is none of us are owed a god damn thing. The world doesn't give a **** about us. The idea of fairness is lie.

I'll be here for as long as it takes, and I'll wear a smile on my face as my kids hit their milestones of life, but I'll die sad and alone, full of anger and contempt for the world. Nothing has changed but the scenery. I will continue to plod, and occasionally dance, my way to a grave, where I'll be soon forgotten, as will we all.

My opinion of the world hasn't changed. All of this is for nothing and none of it matters.

[KMB]

I am so sorry you feel the way you do. Life is not fair, but I don't think it was meant to be either. I guess it depends on the individual perspective. I firmly believe that I was brought into my husband's life to give him the love, understanding and care that he wasn't receiving from his 1st wife. Or, from his own father, ( passed in 2005). My husband's mother passed about 9 years (1983) before I came into the scenario and I know she loved her son. We spent 25 wonderful, loving, giving years together.Granted, the last 10 years were filled with surgeries, other hospital stays, recoveries, constant clinic and lab appts and many meds. If it wasn't for me being in my husband's life, he wouldn't have had anyone to take care of him. We met each challenge over the last 10 years together. I stayed strong for him, always trying to keep things light and injecting humor whenever I could. It was not easy seeing what my husband was going through with his health. I was afraid, stressed, frustrated. I would keep it under cover for his sake but I know at times he could see it, sense it in my tone or sometimes my poor choice of words. He never complained, was a trooper with how miserable his body was making him feel. I try to keep in mind all the great years we had before his health conditions took hold. Even in between dealing with those health conditions, we did our best to have as normal a life as possible. I took on extra responsibilities and there were times when I needed help, then my husband might say something about how frustrated he felt that he had physical limitations and couldn't do much.I could see this past year how much further he was slipping away. It hurt so much and I felt so helpless. He was losing quality of life and would talk about dying because he couldn't do what he wanted to do.

So no, life is not fair.