Members Jeff In Denver Posted September 19, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 19, 2016 Well, it's been that long since I lost the love of my life to breast cancer. This whole year has sucked. Mila started going downhill in January, despite my best holistic efforts at helping her. I was in denial, and also had NO idea what a horror my life would become. This whole thing has brought out the best in me. I am more compassionate, kinder, less self-centered, and more spiritual. Keep in mind I am an agnostic and skeptic. In her last weeks she said that I was the love of her life, that we were meant to be together, and that her purpose was to make me a better person. I repeatedly, and tearfully, told her many times that I love her more than anyone else in my life, I was sorry for the bad things that I had done to her, and that she was everything to me. On her last night I said these things again, and she nodded her head when I asked if she heard me. It was heartbreaking to see her like that. I was no saint. Over the 10 years that we were together I broke up with her several times to go out with other women, breaking the heart of someone who loved and adored me. I treated her with indifference and annoyance sometimes, because of my selfishness. I didn't always appreciate the miracle that she was. Even in the final months I would get annoyed even when trying to help her. I know I was frustrated and lost. I deserved to be punished, but not like this. More importantly, my girlfriend was a remarkable person who didn't deserve what happened to her. Our last time together, over two and 1/2 years, went well - except for the cancer. We took trips together, which we hadn't done before. We went to her native Peru, NYC/Philadelphia in the last two Octobers, Santa Fe, etc. She had breast cancer 5 years ago. When we got back from Peru 2 years ago, she noticed a lump at the base of her neck. Stage 4. I did everything I could for her, but it only got worse. I wrote extensively about it on breastcancer.org and other websites I think about Mila morning, noon, and night. I'm sitting at work crying like a little girl as I write this. I desperately look for, and ask for, signs from her. I have the ashes and her picture above the fireplace. I talk to her there several times a day, and I usually cry there, also. I bought another apartment building last year. It needed a lot of work, and Mila took it over (and others) and turned it around. It helped keep her with us. Being there last year I had a feeling about how sad I would be when I lose her, as she was part of the "fabric" there. She always wanted an outside covered bike rack. My contractor suggested naming it after her. I decided to name the building after her. AND then the bike rack, which was just built. Last week I had a sign installed on the building with her name. It's 7 feet wide and 16" tall and looks better than the photo. Her son lives nearby, but we're rarely in touch. He doesn't seem affected by this whole thing. Her many South American friends, who used to party with us, never bother to see how I'm doing. Her mother (who only speaks Spanish) lost her husband 5 years ago, her daughter (Mila), and her sister a month or so ago. I don't know how she does it. I wish I could talk with her. I wish I could help. I would never hurt myself, but I kind of wish that I would get hit with with a bolt of lightening. This is no life. I don't want to move on, I don't have her, I am dreading the changing seasons, going east next month, and handling the holidays without her. I found a roommate a month ago. She is 24, from Mexico, is highly educated, and has a very strong spiritual, caring, and kind way about her. I have no interest in her physically, as I would have before. She listens when I talk about Mila. She suggested that I talk to Mila just before I go to sleep (I have heard that from other people). She seems wise beyond her years. Then, a few weeks ago, she had a very powerful dream in which we were at a large party at my house (Mila loved doing that), Mila was very happy, and she told my roommate to not make any noise as that would change the future. She DID make a noise, and the dream was over. When she woke up, she felt dizzy, and said that the dream felt VERY real. Wow... I am worried about the "changing the future" part. I hope it doesn't mean anything bad. Mila hated me hanging around other women, but I wonder if Mila sent my roommate to me as kind of an angel, to help me and maybe communicate with me. Someone here (I forget who) recommended the great book "The Light Between Us." That led me to the Forever Family Foundation and then the "Love Knows No Death" course, which has really helped. I am obsessed with learning more about life after life. Except in my worse moments, I believe that she is with me, loves me, cares about me, hears me, and will always be there for me. I will find a certified medium to try and connect with her. I am sorry about the length here. I feel an insatiable need to write and talk about what I am dealing with. I really appreciate your "listening." I am reading many of your posts, as well. If there is any way that I can help you, please let me know. If you want me to buy you "Love Knows No Death," just say the words and I will make it happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members velvettuberose Posted September 20, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 20, 2016 It is beautiful and a tribute to Milagros, your miracle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff In Denver Posted September 20, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted September 20, 2016 25 minutes ago, velvettuberose said: It is beautiful and a tribute to Milagros, your miracle. What a short and to-the-point comment. Thank you so much... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted September 20, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 20, 2016 I have to agree with Alina. It's an amazing tribute to what was an even more incredible woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 20, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted September 20, 2016 Very beautifully put. I like how you so aptly conveyed just how real your relationship is. None of us are perfect, but they were perfect for US. That you named the building and covered bike rack after her is very fitting and honoring to her. No, there is no moving on from this, but we do learn to build our lives, incorporating the love and loss into it. As you said, we are deeper, more compassionate people through having had this experience, oh how I wish it could have been any other way though! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted September 20, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 20, 2016 10 hours ago, KayC said: None of us are perfect, but they were perfect for US. 1 That's the best way to describe it. Love is, after all, loving an imperfect person. But that somehow makes it all perfect in the end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members velvettuberose Posted September 20, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 20, 2016 20 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said: What a short and to-the-point comment. Thank you so much... You are welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members velvettuberose Posted September 20, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 20, 2016 15 minutes ago, claribassist13 said: That's the best way to describe it. Love is, after all, loving an imperfect person. But that somehow makes it all perfect in the end. 15 minutes ago, claribassist13 said: That's the best way to describe it. Love is, after all, loving an imperfect person. But that somehow makes it all perfect in the end. You are right, Jo, but I want my imperfect husband right here with me, ALIVE. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted September 20, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 20, 2016 17 minutes ago, velvettuberose said: You are right, Jo, but I want my imperfect husband right here with me, ALIVE. We all feel that way, Alina. We all wish for our imperfectly perfect loved ones to be with us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff In Denver Posted September 21, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted September 21, 2016 I went to a candle-lighting ceremony last night, presented by the hospice. I was the only one there who knew her. I was the only one who didn't say anything - too shy. Mornings seem to be the worst. No hope. Wow, does this suck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted September 21, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 21, 2016 Jeff, Don't feel like you should have said something. Physical words can never express what we hold in our hearts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 22, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted September 22, 2016 We're all different and that's okay. Some of us carry our grief privately, some are more able to speak openly about it, neither is wrong. She knows what you feel for her and that's what counts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff In Denver Posted September 22, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted September 22, 2016 Thank you, KayC! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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