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Day by day


Jade954

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Today is the sixteenth day without you. Yesterday was my first day alone. Everything I do is another accomplishment because everything is so hard. Waking up in the morning is hard, drinking coffee alone is hard. I wish you were back but I can't change the past. I can only move forward. I know that is what you would want me to do. I miss you terribly.   When I think of everything we experienced in the last 19 years together, I wonder what the next 19 years will bring.  I pray that in time I will be happy again. 

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3 hours ago, Jade954 said:

Today is the sixteenth day without you. Yesterday was my first day alone. Everything I do is another accomplishment because everything is so hard. Waking up in the morning is hard, drinking coffee alone is hard. I wish you were back but I can't change the past. I can only move forward. I know that is what you would want me to do. I miss you terribly.   When I think of everything we experienced in the last 19 years together, I wonder what the next 19 years will bring.  I pray that in time I will be happy again. 

It's been 35 days without her and I tell her the same thing you wrote, everyday. I've been alone for the last 2 weeks. Waking up without her everyday is the hardest thing I do. Moving forward is the hardest task I've ever encountered. 

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This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It's unbelievable. Thank you for your posts. 

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Thank you.  You all have dealt with the sorrow much longer than I have. This Is so new to me and the emotions that I feel are so weird and uncontrollable. My soul mate is gone and i am confused and lonely.  I am going to go back to work tomorrow. Which I am actually looking forward to. I have a good work family.  Tomorrow will be day 17. 

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Yes, it's been a very long time for me, but I remember it like it was yesterday, I guess it's something you never forget.  It's just that now my memories carry with them a perspective I couldn't have had at the time I was in it.  I remember feeling a lot of anxiety, panic, I just didn't know how I was going to live without him.  I felt the same as you about my work family, but my head was in a fog and I caught myself making mistakes I normally wouldn't have.  I don't think my brain was ever the same again, although it improved somewhat.  Good luck as you go back to work today.  The bathroom is a great place to cry when you need to.

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I still count the days. More so now, it's the "firsts" and the "lasts." This is the first time I will pay the cellphone bill with his line removed, the first birthday I will have without him. It's almost an OCD action. For me, it's both healing and debilitating. I still don't understand why he chose to leave us. Drinking coffee alone IS hard. We had "coffee time" in bed that was almost sacred (20 years of marriage). I have coffee on the couch now and stare at the television.

So sorry...It's so new for me, I wish I could tell you it will get better, but I'm still a mess. Coping mechanisms, little things. I try to find at least one thing for me and my son to laugh at every day. Be good to yourself. Just breathe, take your time, one foot in front of the other....affirming the bathroom is a great safety zone as KayC pointed out.

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Welcome, MaryShelley, although I'm sorry for your reason to be here, that you also have lost your husband.  It helps to come here and share and I'm glad you've made your way here.  (((hugs)))

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Hopefully it helps to make you feel less alone. I have never  felt so lonely in my life but I can come here and know that people will hear me and understand. I feel less alone here. I'm truly sorry we all have this thing in common, but maybe we can help each other to survive and who knows, maybe smile once in a while. 

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Today is day 23. I count the days every day.  Going backed to work did help although I am not quite sure what I did all of last week there. I broke down with a client on Friday. She was an older woman and she could not find a credit card. She said that her husband used to keep track of things for her. I said that I know how she feels and just broke down. I work in the interior design industry so it is pretty relaxed when it comes to hanging out with clients.  She walked around with me for about an hour looking at fabric wings and asking me about my husband.  My next hurdle is that I am going to LA for work in a week.  My parents will watch my house and pets but I have this sickening feeling in my gut.  Everyone says it will be good for me, but I'm not sure  

Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. Then I feel ok.  Then I am depressed. I can't imagine ever feeling "normal" again. It's not that I want to stop thinking about him, but I do want to have a moment of pure happiness. 

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I felt a lot of guilt simply because I had a good moment or two. I felt like I was betraying her by not feeling bad all the time. I tried to look at things from her perspective, what if I were the one that had suddenly passed ? More often than not I wish that I was, then I think about what SHE would be going through. I would not wish this on anyone and would sacrifice anything to protect her from it. I'll continue to try and survive and maybe even have a good moment or two, I think she'd be okay with that. Don't beat yourself up, I know it's hard. Keep coming around.........

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Bigkev you are so right. It's like a weird roller coaster.  I think about him and I am sad then when I am trying not to think about him I feel sad that I am no thinking about him.  

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Yep, it's definitely not just you. I was and sometimes continue to be in that same spot you are in. I'm only 3 months into this and what you've been saying rings so true for me too. Work has limited my ability to come to this site as often as I feel I need to but It certainly helps when I'm able to. Keep coming around, it helps to talk to others that can relate...............

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It's important to give ourselves permission to smile.  Sometimes people feel if they have a happy moment, they've taken themselves away from their loved one, they try to stay close through sorrow.  The truth is, though, that nothing will take us away from them, we are bound by love, not sorrow or guilt.  It does help to do a role reversal...what would you want for them if things were reversed?

I feel the same as you, BigKev, in that I would not want my husband going through any of this...that helps me bear this a little better...just a bit.

http://www.aliveinmemory.org/2013/05/30/learning-how-to-smile-again/

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Jeff In Denver
12 hours ago, BigKev said:

I felt a lot of guilt simply because I had a good moment or two. I felt like I was betraying her by not feeling bad all the time. I tried to look at things from her perspective, what if I were the one that had suddenly passed ? More often than not I wish that I was, then I think about what SHE would be going through. I would not wish this on anyone and would sacrifice anything to protect her from it. I'll continue to try and survive and maybe even have a good moment or two, I think she'd be okay with that. Don't beat yourself up, I know it's hard. Keep coming around.........

I think you're right.  She would be going through what you're dealing with now.   As someone said here said so well, you're carrying the pain for her, as horrible as that is.

I lost my girlfriend to breast cancer in June.  I had spent the last two years trying to do everything I could to save her.  I will spare you the details, but it was extensive and profoundly heartbreaking.  Over a year ago I unexpectedly (I keep in shape) wound up with a kidney stone. It turned into a calf DVT that became a pulmonary embolism.  

I went to a doctor to get some anti-anxiety medication a few months ago, and the doctor told me that I was lucky to be here.  I immediately thought that I wished it had taken me out of the game.  But then I thought about it.  She probably would have been grieving as I am now for her, AND she still would have had the breast cancer with no support from me.    As we were living in my place with her mother and aunt from Peru, she would have been back in her house with a lot less room.   That would have been a problem.

As excruciating as this is, if one of us had to deal with this I would much rather it be me.   And, if I have the right information, she's not hurting, she has been healed, and she's not suffering.   I believe that my life has been ruined.  Earlier in our relationship I was a womanizing, unappreciative, immature jerk.  This is a small way that I was able to let her know that I love her more than I have ever loved anybody.

A terrible outcome for you and her, but you have made it easier for her.

 

 

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On ‎9‎/‎26‎/‎2016 at 8:26 AM, Jeff In Denver said:

I think you're right.  She would be going through what you're dealing with now.   As someone said here said so well, you're carrying the pain for her, as horrible as that is.

I lost my girlfriend to breast cancer in June.  I had spent the last two years trying to do everything I could to save her.  I will spare you the details, but it was extensive and profoundly heartbreaking.  Over a year ago I unexpectedly (I keep in shape) wound up with a kidney stone. It turned into a calf DVT that became a pulmonary embolism.  

I went to a doctor to get some anti-anxiety medication a few months ago, and the doctor told me that I was lucky to be here.  I immediately thought that I wished it had taken me out of the game.  But then I thought about it.  She probably would have been grieving as I am now for her, AND she still would have had the breast cancer with no support from me.    As we were living in my place with her mother and aunt from Peru, she would have been back in her house with a lot less room.   That would have been a problem.

As excruciating as this is, if one of us had to deal with this I would much rather it be me.   And, if I have the right information, she's not hurting, she has been healed, and she's not suffering.   I believe that my life has been ruined.  Earlier in our relationship I was a womanizing, unappreciative, immature jerk.  This is a small way that I was able to let her know that I love her more than I have ever loved anybody.

A terrible outcome for you and her, but you have made it easier for her.

 

 

You are indeed lucky to be alive.  My husband passed away three weeks ago of a pulmonary embolism.  He was 43.  My family tells me that it's good that he went before me because he would not have been able to handle me going first.  While that may be true, I don't want to be the strong one, I don't want to feel this pain. 

You have my prayers {{HUGS}} 

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Jeff In Denver

Three weeks ago...  I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear that.  Please don't think about being strong.  Just be yourself.  Being strong won't help.  Thank you for the hugs...  I am reciprocating.

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Today is day 29. While things have calmed down a bit I still miss you dearly. I can't even hang out in the garage, that was your place. I promised everyone in the neighborhood that I would still open the garage up for everyone to hang out in, but I can't. Not yet. I went to a store today and I wanted you to be there. I heard someone whistle and thought it was you trying to find me. I broke down in the car. I wish I could speak to you now and tell you what is happening, and laugh, and joke around but your not there. I know you would want me to move on and be happy but it feels impossible. 

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Sometimes what we know they'd want IS impossible.  We can't "not grieve".  We can't "move on".  But we DO learn how to do create a life for ourselves, although it is painstakingly a slow process.  Grief is the hardest journey I've ever been on, but if I can make it, anyone can.

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