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Went to my first support group last night 09/14/16


StevenKelly

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Went to my first support group last night.

Because there was an introduction and orientation we all had just enough time to briefly tell our story.

It was at a mega church in the town I live in (I'm not a member) but thankfully they did not dwell on religion, I just don't want to hear it right now (sorry that's just how I feel presently). There were 300 people there and we were broken up into tables of 10 with people our age who lost spouses. I was one of about 5 men in the whole room which is fine I was just wondering why and I thought women must lose more men than the other way around. I know this sounds strange but I began talking to my wife (she didn't want to hear it though) about our inevitable end over the last few years and I told her what a cute widow she would make after I was gone because she had evolved into such a beautiful woman. And how she would have her cute little home and quiet life.

There was one other man at my table, he was married for 38 years and his wife died of cancer last October and as I suspected (which I'm very afraid of) he began to cry and said that nothing has gotten better, only worse, and that's how I feel right now.............everyday without her is worse than the last.

I gained nothing from last nights meeting but I have hope that I will in the future, I have to, the only thing I have right now is the downward spiral and unless I want to go down the drain I have to do something.........................I guess....................I don't know because currently I don't know up from down.

I think I'll keep posting about this especially if it starts to help me.

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claribassist13

Steven, 

It's important to keep in mind that we are our own worst critics. We always feel that we should be further along than we are. We expect ourselves to function like we use to, like our worlds weren't just shattered into a million pieces.
You lost your wife just over a month ago. Things are not going to get better in a month. Things won't be better in six months. Things won't be better in a year.  You still have so many firsts to experience, and until you do you cannot truly begin to heal. 
It's important to give ourselves permission to be exactly who we are right now. We are completely different from the people we were before we lost our loved ones. Losing them affects us in every single aspect, and we may not realize that for months. 

Also, take into account that the man you spoke of is also approaching his year mark very soon. The year mark will be difficult. You also have to take into consideration that each person grieves differently. Who knows how he has been grieving or what he has done to try and care for himself. It's best to not compare our grief cycles to others. 

Lastly, give yourself permission to allow for time to help you progress. As I said before, this grief thing never goes away. It will evolve over time, but we will live with it for the rest of our lives. Learning to live with it will take time, and you have to allow yourself to recognize that. As Ellie said in a different posting, try not to think too far into the future. Focus on getting through tomorrow, or the next hour, or the next minute. You will be able to progress and improve, but you have to put in the time first. 

I hope that you will gain something from meeting with our support group. I am just very happy that you are taking an active role in your own self-care. 

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6 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

Steven, 

It's important to keep in mind that we are our own worst critics. We always feel that we should be further along than we are. We expect ourselves to function like we use to, like our worlds weren't just shattered into a million pieces.
You lost your wife just over a month ago. Things are not going to get better in a month. Things won't be better in six months. Things won't be better in a year.  You still have so many firsts to experience, and until you do you cannot truly begin to heal. 
It's important to give ourselves permission to be exactly who we are right now. We are completely different from the people we were before we lost our loved ones. Losing them affects us in every single aspect, and we may not realize that for months. 

Also, take into account that the man you spoke of is also approaching his year mark very soon. The year mark will be difficult. You also have to take into consideration that each person grieves differently. Who knows how he has been grieving or what he has done to try and care for himself. It's best to not compare our grief cycles to others. 

Lastly, give yourself permission to allow for time to help you progress. As I said before, this grief thing never goes away. It will evolve over time, but we will live with it for the rest of our lives. Learning to live with it will take time, and you have to allow yourself to recognize that. As Ellie said in a different posting, try not to think too far into the future. Focus on getting through tomorrow, or the next hour, or the next minute. You will be able to progress and improve, but you have to put in the time first. 

I hope that you will gain something from meeting with our support group. I am just very happy that you are taking an active role in your own self-care. 

Thanks

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Orientation meeting is not likely the time you'll see the most benefits so I'm glad you'll continue to give it more chance.  

You say you don't want to hear about God/religion, that's understandable and normal in grief.  When we suffer a loss it's common to blame God for not having prevented it and also we want to avoid the cliches so many thrust on us.  Anyone leading a grief group should not push religion on us at a time when our faith has taken a hit and it takes time to restore or figure out.  Plus we're all from different backgrounds, beliefs, etc. it's important to respect those differences.

I hope with time you will feel comfortable with this group and get something out of being there.

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Week three and I'm not sure this is for me, There is a speaker at the beginning of every meeting that go's in depth about the technical and religious aspects of grieving and spends a lot of time doing it, I still barely know the people at my table I'm so not at the stage of trying to figure out the finer points and solve the puzzle, they've also warned that this will become much more of a religious thing sometime in the near future. Maybe I'm wrong but it's starting to feel like recruiting for their church. I just want to talk about my my wife and how wonderful she was and how much I miss her, I've noticed other people want to do the same but when me and another member showed pictures of our wives we were told that picture's would have to wait until the last meeting.............7 weeks away.

What's left of my wife's family have gone into seclusion, I don't blame them, two young daughters/sisters lost in one 15 month period. I was told my mother in law drank to the point of having to be hospitalized, she's 79 years old. My wife's best friend calls once a week but it's me consoling her which I'm fine with. I've been all alone with my thoughts for the most part and I'm starting to get used to it. I start a new very demanding job tomorrow I'm guessing that it will help me stay busy and not in my thoughts as much. This just isn't going the way I would have liked but I guess that it's a product of my relationship with my wife, we were each others best friend and almost all of our time was spent with just each other. Don't get me wrong, we each had a life outside of our marriage, her, her niece and occasional get togethers with her two good friends, me my one good friend that I grew up with, our occasional family functions but it was me and her, her and me, together...............best friends forever. It didn't matter where we were, at the end we couldn't wait to get home to each other, our dog and our home, it was such a great feeling when we would return home to each other that it was the place we wanted to be the most.

I'm bringing my dog to a new home today. A 12 year old Weimaraner, my sister is taking her in. With my new job I'll be gone for many long hours everyday and won't be able to care for her properly and give her the attention that she needs. That dog was my wife's baby and my angel after my wife passed, had she not been here things would have been much more difficult. She's going to a big loving family but now there will be more loneliness here. Still wondering when the ache will stop.

I miss her so much.................................................

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StevenKelly---I'm so sorry you are going through this pain and heartache. I am too, 6 weeks into my pain. It gets unbelievably unbearable. I can't handle getting up in the mornings. This morning I had an uncontrollable urge to cry again. Even though it was cold here, I went out in my robe to the shed and sat in my husbands chair in front of his wood stove and let it all out. I stayed out there for awhile and talked to my husband. The crying relieved some of the pressure but I'm still sad.

On Friday I made some calls for a grief support group. The local hospice has meetings once a month. Is once a month adequate for people? It's a start I guess. I have a small support of family and friends. I can't expect them to be there 24/7. What bothers me is that all the people who were there for me in the beginning, most have gone on with their lives with no concern for my well being. Be strong, get a new life, your husband was gone a lot while he was working, stay busy-------all words with no meaning. They don't understand because they haven't lost their spouses.

My husband was my center, my security. I miss his presence desperately.

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14 hours ago, KMB said:

StevenKelly---I'm so sorry you are going through this pain and heartache. I am too, 6 weeks into my pain. It gets unbelievably unbearable. I can't handle getting up in the mornings. This morning I had an uncontrollable urge to cry again. Even though it was cold here, I went out in my robe to the shed and sat in my husbands chair in front of his wood stove and let it all out. I stayed out there for awhile and talked to my husband. The crying relieved some of the pressure but I'm still sad.

On Friday I made some calls for a grief support group. The local hospice has meetings once a month. Is once a month adequate for people? It's a start I guess. I have a small support of family and friends. I can't expect them to be there 24/7. What bothers me is that all the people who were there for me in the beginning, most have gone on with their lives with no concern for my well being. Be strong, get a new life, your husband was gone a lot while he was working, stay busy-------all words with no meaning. They don't understand because they haven't lost their spouses.

My husband was my center, my security. I miss his presence desperately.

I feel your pain. I cry a lot, I've been going through our pictures trying to make sure that there is proof that she was here, that we were together and that we loved each other. Everyone else has moved on, I can't, I never will. I think about her everyday. She was so young and had so much more life to live and she's gone. I don't know how to process that.

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Thank you---we're all sharing pain and heartache. I do the same as you, look thru pictures, needing proof of my husbands existence here. His personal things are still where he left them. His jacket on the back of a kitchen chair, his hat on the table. His keys, his cigars, lighter and cellphone. His pile of magazines and local weekly paper. I've been adding to the pile. I haven't been able to bring myself to read the weekly paper. My husband read it first while eating. I would read it later after the dishes and everything were done for the evening. Every time I get something in the mail with his name on it, I want to be sick. He's not here. I had to cancel his cellphone service, I was in tears while being on the phone to do that. I had to change over some accounts, I hate doing these things, but is necessary. I feel that this world we live in has no business wiping out my husbands name, that to everyone else, he doesn't/didn't exist. There are no words to describe how I feel. Memories help. Memories are supposed to make us happy. Right now, memories are both happy and sad. He's not here to make more. if it wasn't for his medical conditions, his physical body letting him down, he would still be here. He had always been an active, vital person.

Somehow I have to pick up the pieces of what's left of me and try to move forward. My husband would want me to enjoy life again, make a new start. I know he'll be waiting for me when it's my turn to leave this earth. I have to keep the faith that we are reunited with our loved ones in the end. For me, that's going to seem like a very long time to wait.I haven't been on my own for 25 years.

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Steven,

I am so sorry you have to give up your dog.  Yes, the place will feel too lonely and quiet, but I'm very glad you placed her with someone close to you so you can see her again and know how she is.  You are thinking of her best interests.  :wub:

I'm also sorry that the group is not a good fit for you.  It sounds like it's just the way it's being run, not necessarily the people attending.  I hope you can find a better fit for you sometime.  I think it's wrong for a church to try and capitalize on someone's grief that way.  And to not even allow you to show a picture of your wife!  That just doesn't make sense!  Your wife is the reason you're there!

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KMB,

Yes, it does seem like a very long wait.  It's been eleven years for me and in my family we live into our 90s...I hope I can go when I'm in my 80s, growing old alone does not sound good and retiring without my husband was not in the plan, but it is what it is and I try to make the best of it.  

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StevenKelly.  I wish I had the right words to make this better, but nothing anyone says will make your pain go away.  I've been "faking it until I feel it". In other words,  I force myself to get up each morning and go into work.  It's good that you are starting an new job,  a change in routine will be good.  I'm sorry about your dog.  Is there anyway you can keep her? Perhaps you can pick her up after work and drop her off in the morning before work? 

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On 10/4/2016 at 11:34 AM, cgmiller63 said:

  I'm sorry about your dog.  Is there anyway you can keep her? Perhaps you can pick her up after work and drop her off in the morning before work? 

She is at my sisters and doing quite well, I'm actually happy for her.

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How are you doing, StevenKelly?  I went to my 1st support group meeting last night. A 1st for me being gone in the evening by myself also, outside of my daughter taking me out to eat a couple times over the last several weeks when she could come up here. Took a lot of courage to get out of my comfort zone. My husband and I liked our quiet time in the evening. He liked the supper time news and us watching tv until bed.

The support group meet was ok. A small group of 5 total. A woman who has had multiple family losses over the past 10 years, including a young son. She just recently lost an aunt.  3 men---an elderly man who was sitting next to me who had recently lost his wife. He's alone basically, a daughter who can only visit every couple of weeks because of her job and a son who lives in another state. He started crying and I put my hand on his shoulder for a bit. I know what he's going through with the being alone. Another man about 50ish who lost his wife recently and lives alone. Another man that my husband and I both know. He lost his wife a couple years ago to cancer and finds getting out to the once a month meet helpful.

I don't know if this is right for me, but it did help being with others who are going through all the same pain of loss. It still sucks though trying to get through the day. Sometimes I think I'm in a nightmare, just waiting to wake up and my husband and our life together will be there. Everything is still surreal yet.

I hope you find each day getting better for you in some small way.

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