Im heartbroken and in a dark place

[Broken-Hearted]

My mother died on Sunday after being in a coma for just over 5 weeks. Im broken. She was my best friend.  I had seen her almost everyday of my 34 years of life.  I have had quite intense grief and have been to the doctor who prescribed strong sleeping tablets and also wanted to hospitilise me for some "morbid" thoughts. The thought of not seeing her for another 40-50 years if I live a long life is heartbreaking. I dont have kids and I am not married and the thought of her not being their when I have a baby is devastating. She's my mother - how do I go on.

I also feel tremendous guilt. Maybe I could have done something to help her. She died of chemo, I begged her her to opt for surgery instead of chemo as I had a bad feeling about chemo. I wish I had tried harder. She dies from the oncologist giving her chemo when she had a fever the same day. I should have been there and not at work and stopped it happening.

The only reason keeping me hanging on is not wanting to hurt my family but I honestly dont know how to go on without my heart. Im broken. Everyone keeps telling me to be strong and I hate that. People who have never lost their parents can say that and they are empty words.  Everyone keeps telling me to be strong for my dad and that just makes me feel guilt for burdening everyone with my grief. I dont mean to make it harder for my family but I cant turn off my sorrow.

Not sure why I am writing this. I feel like I just needed space to vent.

Thank-you

[seachelle]

Hi there, this is so hard.  I totally understand your frustration with people's comments.  People who haven't been through it want to help but don't know what to say so they try to distract you by telling you that 'you can do it' if you just focus.  Grief isn't like that though, not when it involves immediate or close loved ones.  Grief is like a mental illness, except that it's completely brought on by the environment (our loss of someone important).  No one treats it like that though. Some people who want to help are also scared.  On some level they know that it's overwhelming but they want to believe that it can be overcome with focus and will power.  They want to think this because they know that one day they too will be knocked over by grief.  We all will.  The only way to avoid it is to care about no one.  That is a sad life.

With regard to your guilt...please know that guilt is a facet of grief.  It's extremely common, if not the norm, for grieving people to feel some type of guilt.  We are used to being able to  make things better for our loved ones and when we can't we tend to turn inward.  There's likely nothing you could have done to prevent your mom from doing chemo if that's what she had her mind set on.  And as far as being at work, it's not your fault, it's our culture that makes us choose between our own survival and our families when they need us.

I too an 34 and I've already lost one parent.  The other is elderly with dementia. There are quite a few young adults and a surprising number of teenagers on this site.  it seems that youth is no guarantee against loss.  

We are here for you when you need to vent though.

[Maya77]

I am so sorry about your loss  I lost my mom a few weeks ago, and I also cant bear the feeling of her not being there for me when I marry or have my first child. I feel liek none of that had any meaning if I cant enjoy it with my mom by my side. Maybe this feeling will change as time goes on but so far, it is a very unrealistic thought. 

As for the guilt...we all feel that I guess. My father felt a tremendous amount of guilt when my mom died as he was wuestion if we did everything we could and he kept saying "what if this" or "what if that"...the way I look at it is that you never might know what the other outcome would be, so I try not to ponder about it too much. Imagine, if you opted for the surgery and it went bad, you would be feeling guilty that you havent listened to your mom...and the possibility of a positive outcome (surgery went well), well, you will never know for sure. The situation is as it is, and no matter what the other choice would be, it wont change anything because we unfortunately cant reverse time and change the past. That is at least how Ive been trying to deal with guilty feelings. 

Be strong and hang in there. 

[Jill's Sister]

You did everything right -. You respected her decisions .   There was nothing you could have done .  I was recently told that I could tear myself up with what if -.  But at the end of the day I am not in control of Gods will 

[Lisazblues]

I lost my father on 9/18. He had liver cancer. We had no idea he was sick. He passed a physical with a perfect blood test in July. By August he was losing weight and tired, end of August legs swelled, back to dr and MRI on 9/8, in hospital on 9/12 and gone a week later. He had liver cancer and had kidney failure. They don't even know if it started there or not since he was too weak to do anything invasive. This is the worst pain I have ever known. I understand how you feel and am devastated. He did know my children and they adored him. He was my sons best friend but I have to tell you, even their hugs don't help. Nothing is joyful anymore, even them.... Because I can't share it with him. My son is special needs and my dad was his best friend. Nothing that made me happy feels good anymore. I don't know how to go on. I feel so guilty because maybe had I pushed him harder he would have gone to the dr sooner. I feel so guilty since my children lost ther grandpa on top of this. The Drs say there was nothing we could do since weight loss is the first sign of liver cancer and once it hits the liver it is over, but I still feel awful. It happened so fast. It was such a shock. Just sharing and praying we all find some peace.

 

[samantha0412]

My mom passed away on the 14 of this month. I can not cope. I cry about everything. I feel like her death is my fault and i could have prevented it. She died of septic shock but she had all the signs days earlier. Instead of taking her to the hospital i listened to her and did not. Wed morning i went to her home and found her in a state of confusion so much pain. Could not walk or comprehend anything. She was lying on the bathroom floor begging me to help her and i could not lift her up alone. I called 911 and they rushed her to the hospital. She was in so much pain and had i known this was going to be the last time i would ever talk to her or see her conscious i would have never left the hospital. My dad was with her. She died the next morn after being on life support. I feel so alone and feel like she would still be here if i would have got her help sooner. I have a four yo son who was very close to her and it breaks me by him seeing me in so much pain. 

[Lisazblues]

Hello, Samantha.... I am truly sorry for your loss.....

I won't retype my whole story since it's in this thread but I lost my dad to liver cancer on 9/18. It's was sudden, and while we knew he was sick, we had no idea it was cancer or that he would die until right before. I too feel that I could have helped him if I hadn't been so busy with my kids this summer since we all spent the summer together at our pool club. I mentioned it to my mom in passing how dad didn't look good or had lost weight was slowing down, etc and she told me she keeps telling him to go to the dr and he doesn't want to. Perhaps had I sat down with him, begged, etc, he would still be here. The Drs said there was nothing we could do since by the time we noticed the symptoms, even in June, when its liver cancer, its too late. I know in my head they are correct but my heart says something different. I am devastated for everyone. Especially my children.  My son is special needs ad my father was his best friend and greatest teacher. It's a huge loss and it saddens me every minute of everyday. Every thing reminds me of him even if it's not directly related to him.  I know hearing my story doesn't ease your pain, but perhaps it shows you that all of us, wish we had done things differently in some way.  The guilt is excruciating. Had I know the last time I would be able to hug my dad, take pics with him, etc would have been the week before Labor Day, I never would have gone on vacation. I would have made sure we all spent every minute together. After that, dad was so sick, in the hospital and gone two weeks later. Praying we all fine peace......

[samantha0412]

Thank you lisazblues. I am so sorry for your loss as well. Idk what to do. I feel like im in this dark shadow and there is no light in sight. Everything reminds me of her. I live right next door to her house. I now drive her new truck she only got a yr ago. I cry about everything. My som sees me and i hate him seeing me crying so much. At the same time i have to be there for his grief bc he too was close to my mom. I can't smile barely sleep or eat. I feel empty inside. Nothing helps. The last memories i have of her are heartbreaking. My family seem to be doing fine and going on with their life but i feel stuck. Good memories or bad memories make me so depressed.