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How do you compinsate now that they're gone ?


StevenKelly

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When I'm out I try and convince myself that this is a dream and that when I get home she will be there waiting for me.

This is just one of the acts of desperation I toture myself with.

Another is that I think that maybe I died and that I'm stuck in between world's and she is in the real world doing just fine.

I'm just so desperate, I miss her with every inch of my being and every ounce of energy. I ask the powers that be everyday to take me to so that I can be with her. In the mean time my own mind has a life of it's own and I invent new scenerio's with regularity.

Please ! Has anyone done this ? I feel like I'm going mad.

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Steven, I'm not sure I'm the right person to respond since I am not coping very well myself. It's been about 10 weeks since I lost my husband. I replayed that horrible day over and over in my head and imagined that I found him sooner and was able to save him. Or that I should have seen some kind of sign in the days prior. I got to the point where I couldn't do that anymore because then the reality would hit me like a ton of bricks. My only way to cope now is to physically exhaust myself with household projects. Painting, building fences ... anything that can occupy just enough of my mind so that I wasn't able to keep tormenting myself with the guilt. I too beg the powers that be to take me so that I can be with my husband again or at least not be here alone and heartbroken. I hope it helps to know that I've done the same things as you and I know how you feel. 

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Dear Steven Kelly,

It is tough, as it's one of the processes the Human mind goes through to try and compensate and cope.
You are a smart guy, and recognise these processes, even if you don't know why.

Just live each second by second, other-wise you will live in turmoil, and torture yourself.
You must must must hang in there, and reach out, which you are doing.

I do get it, I really do.

My heart breaks for you.

 

Ritchie

 

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47 minutes ago, Nobody1 said:

Steven, I'm not sure I'm the right person to respond since I am not coping very well myself. It's been about 10 weeks since I lost my husband. I replayed that horrible day over and over in my head and imagined that I found him sooner and was able to save him. Or that I should have seen some kind of sign in the days prior. I got to the point where I couldn't do that anymore because then the reality would hit me like a ton of bricks. My only way to cope now is to physically exhaust myself with household projects. Painting, building fences ... anything that can occupy just enough of my mind so that I wasn't able to keep tormenting myself with the guilt. I too beg the powers that be to take me so that I can be with my husband again or at least not be here alone and heartbroken. I hope it helps to know that I've done the same things as you and I know how you feel. 

I can feel your pain in your word's. I'm so sorry I wish there was something I could do. I'm just as broken. Please keep coming here to write it seems to help. I'm listening.

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velvettuberose
6 hours ago, StevenKelly said:

When I'm out I try and convince myself that this is a dream and that when I get home she will be there waiting for me.

This is just one of the acts of desperation I toture myself with.

Another is that I think that maybe I died and that I'm stuck in between world's and she is in the real world doing just fine.

I'm just so desperate, I miss her with every inch of my being and every ounce of energy. I ask the powers that be everyday to take me to so that I can be with her. In the mean time my own mind has a life of it's own and I invent new scenerio's with regularity.

Please ! Has anyone done this ? I feel like I'm going mad.

Have you mentioned this to your counselor, Steven? 

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I was going to ask the same thing.  I think our mind tries and tries to make sense of it when there is no making sense of it.  Plus we're in a state of disbelief, like it can't be happening so we try to come up with something more plausible (alternate world, whatever we can think of).  Basically our minds are trying their best to cope any way they can.

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2 hours ago, velvettuberose said:

Have you mentioned this to your counselor, Steven? 

I'm going for the first time tomorrow night. I'm going to tell him or her everything.

 

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claribassist13

Ever since my fiance's death I would constantly dream about him. 
My dreams would be memories of our past, but the setting would be slightly different. My brain would be convinced that this was something that had happened just a couple of days prior. I would wake up and have to realize all over again that he was gone, had been gone for months 

It's difficult to try to recognize that our loved one is completely gone. Just gone, without a trace. It takes a while for our brain to really grasp that. 

Be sure to mention it to your counselor. They'll be able to give you some ways to better deal with that. It doesn't make you crazy, but it sure makes you feel like you are going mad. 

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Steven, keeping busy does seem to pass the time and keep the mind occupied, which gives us less time to dwell on the sadness.  But, I'm learning grief needs to be worked through, not pushed back or side-stepped.  It will just find a way of popping up when you least expect it or can afford to be distracted.  So, I allow myself time during the day to sit outside, talk to Drew, cry, re-visit the accident scene, process what happened so my brain has a chance to accept it.  Giving up, or willing myself to be "taken" to be with him, is the furthest thing from my mind.  Drew wouldn't want that.  He would want me to take care of myself, take care of the property, the animals, his other loved ones, and to make him proud of me.  Giving up is not an option.  The only option we have is to miss them, remember them, honor them, work through the grief, and take care of ourselves.

I have just found a grief support group in my area that starts meeting in early October.  Is that an option where you live, in addition to the one-on-one sessions with your counselor?  The shared empathy of others who've been through similar situations seems to help me, and perhaps it would help ease your pain somewhat also.

We're all thinking about you.  Stay strong.

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10 hours ago, claribassist13 said:
10 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

Ever since my fiance's death I would constantly dream about him. 

 

 I would wake up and have to realize all over again that he was gone

 

 

I haven't dreamt of her yet surprisingly except for two quick flashes of her one of her face of her alive and smiling a couple of weeks ago and one of her gone and laying down that I can't describe here because it was bad. Everyrday is me waking up and being thrust back into the nightmare.

Thanks for sharing, so sorry for your loss.

 

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I'm glad you got a counselor, let us know how it goes when you've had a session.

I will.

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velvettuberose
15 hours ago, StevenKelly said:

I'm going for the first time tomorrow night. I'm going to tell him or her everything.

 

Yes, that is a good plan. Voice your pain, don't keep it inside.

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