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Loss of dad


Rao

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Hi I lost my father 2 months back and going thru grief since then. This is going to be very long. I love my father and he was a genius, good sense of humor, soft spoken and many good things. However there is a catch. I feel he never knew me that much or wasn't even in interested in me that much. He had a strange fixation with hospitals ailments diseases etc as he was also hypochondriac. My parents had bad marriage and always hated and despised each other. Due to the social and cultural society we belong, divorce was never an option to them. In the process I lost an opportunity to know them better and have a good childhood. I grew up too fast and played the role of an adult trying to bring peace in the family at all costs. I would never leave my house or be very afraid to go out as it felt like constant walking on egg shells. I am the middle child and somehow my role was always to take care of my family's needs, taking cAre of emotional needs of my 2 siblings. However I never got the same support  from my siblings but that's a different thing. Coming to my parents, they despised each other so much they constantly bickered and bitched about each other to their set of friends and relatives. sometimes if they didn't find any reason they would be united and bicker and bitch about us all the time which has really scarred me badly. I have problem with trusting people and expressing emotions. I took care of my father the last weeks of his life with the same dedication and devotion that I had all through my life. What pains me most is even during that time my parents were getting at each other and I was left to myself lonely and like I never existed for them like always. Due to sadness on the impending death I used to cry myself to sleep as I knew very well there isn't enough time to get any hope of having meaningful relationship with my father. I feel at a greater degree my father was selfish and one sided only about his problems and not my life or anything. Even though I died to tell him my inner feelings always I was afraid my privacy will not be respected and it wasn't too in many cases making me feel vulnerable to outsiders. I never experienced the true love, trust or affections or support from him. I used to be there hanging around him as much as I could pre and post marriage but it was only one sided. He never saw me and I was right there.Also he had obsession with dosing himself with prescription medications over and over repeatedly all his life. My mother is equally distant and detached. He passed away not knowing the real me and having good memories with him. The abuse of medicines was so terrible that he didn't have anything else to talk about. Every day I cry and feel sad and confused of all if am grieving the death of having hope of a meaningful relationship or his non existence of him physically. I am trying to dig so hard in memory to find some good memories to feel comforted but there is none worth while. I am also very angry with him for taking away this precious experience from me. If anyone can help me with similar situation like mine and how you coped that would be great. I am dealing with anger issues and meditation or distractions are not the ones I need right now. I feel I need answers for me to move on. My rest of the family of mother and siblings are of no support to me because somehow they are used to having me around only to serve their purpose and needs. I feel depressed angry and isolated all the time. There is not enough resources to cope on losing a loved one to their hypochondriac behavior and self medicating acts. My father was never an alcoholic ever. I feel very depressed that he and I never knew each other all this time. I still love him very much and want to grieve for him in a healthy way and honor him for giving me good education, food and roof etc. but my anger is so overwhelming that I am unable to focus on his good side. Fyi due to his prolonged 30 plus years of unreasonable fears of health and death I feel I have been in mourning for years as I used to treat every fear or so-called emergency as the last opportunity I might have. Pls help.

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I guess this is a long post for anyone to take a peek at this one. My family refuses to talk to me as I am angry with everything and everyone. I have become non Existent , no wonder my dad never really saw me even when I was right there , just feel lonely isolated. This hurts so much. 

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Hello, it sounds like you had a difficult relationship with your father to say the least.  Complicated relationships can make grief harder by concentrating emotions like guilt and anger, particularly if the lost one was abusive.  It certainly sounds like your father engaged in some neglectful behavior toward you.  It's not wonder you are having trouble coping.  Have you considered seeking in person support groups or 1:1 counseling?

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claribassist13

Rao, 

I am terribly sorry for my horrendous loss. While those of us on this particular forum can't expressly identify with your exact brand of pain (as this is the forum for lost spouses/significant others), we can all relate and understand the some degree the loss, hurt, and anger that you are currently feeling. 

It sounds like you had a complicated relationship with your father. Is this relationship something you have gone to counseling for before? If not, seeing a grief counselor now might be a really good option for you. A grief counselor is specially trained to help people grieve and honor their loved ones in a healthy fashion. It might also help you to have someone you can actually sit face to face with and talk. Talking seems to do a lot for those of us burdened with grief. 

As far as what you are grieving, I think we are grieve for the physical absence of the person as well as the promise of any sort of a future relationship. There are so many sides to grief and so many things to grieve when someone we love passes away. Your grief is likely a bit of both. 

Also, try not to be too upset when you don't receive answers right away. Many of us find it hard to be on here all the time. Or. we may be taking time to formulate our responses. I've read your post about 3 times, and have only now really solidified what I want to say, or what I feel would be most beneficial for you to hear. 
We are here for you. 

You are always welcome to this forum, but there is a forum on this website specifically for the loss of parents (http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/forum/13-loss-of-a-parent-mother-or-father/). You might check this out as well in order to access some other resources and people. 

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13 hours ago, Rao said:

I have become non Existent , no wonder my dad never really saw me even when I was right there , just feel lonely isolated. This hurts so much. 

You are grieving not only your dad, but the possibility of anything changing between the two of you.  I understand how painful that is.  It will be so important to deal with this so that it doesn't continue to paralyze you and affect your relationships, self-esteem, and choices.  I highly recommend counseling as a place to start.

And I apologize for not responding yesterday, my electricity (and thus internet) were out).

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I apologize for being impatient and also grateful for your time. I am not in right state of mind as my anger is taking more control of me and my senses. I was desperate to hear from strangers like you. I am not on talking terms with my family and they dont seem to understand my pain. I have been having fights with my folks and trying to blame something or someone for my loss. It's just me and not anyone's fault.I was heart broken to see my father go down by the minute until last and inside my head I was screaming for a million of lost opportunities with him and it was too late for anything. I am sorry if I posted in a wrong place and this is not the right one. Thanks for the kind words. I will look for some type of counseling to help me thru this. It hurts so much and am tired of being a non entity for my family. there is nothing much that can be done or expected from a dysfunctional family. Thanks again for your time.

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You could ask a moderator to move your post to loss of parent section, where others are going through the same loss.  No need to apologize, grief is hard and I'm just glad you reached out.  And you didn't seem impatient to me, when we're going through this particularly in the early stages, we feel like we're on a sinking ship and we need a lifeline!

I'm glad you'll look for a grief counselor.  This link has some tips on how to find one:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html

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claribassist13
5 hours ago, Rao said:

I apologize for being impatient and also grateful for your time. I am not in right state of mind as my anger is taking more control of me and my senses. 

You don't need to apologize for being angry. Anger is much easier to deal with than the oppressive grief and pain we find ourselves facing now. 

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