Alone

[Nobody1]

I just found this site and read a lot of the posts. I felt the need to find people with a similar experience or maybe I just needed to know that there were people out there as miserable as me. I found my husband laying on the front patio about 20 minutes after he'd gotten home from work. His eyes were open and I yelled his name and shook him but I knew he was gone. I did CPR until the ambulance came but it didn't matter. He was gone. I was in the house the whole time he was laying out there alone. Why didn't I go out sooner? Why didn't I sense something? I will NEVER forgive myself! I am not writing this for words of encouragement. I don't want anyone to tell me it'll get better in time or that everything I'm feeling is normal. I have no desire to live. I live out of sheer obligation to my mother and my dogs. I avoid my friends and neighbors because I know how uncomfortable it is for them to be around me. When I see my mother I pretend everything is ok. She's 80 yrs old and it would kill her to know how hopeless I feel. I can not wait until this life is over. No need to respond but thanks for listening 

[Ritchie_uk]

Hi Nobody1,
I'm really sorry for you're shocking loss.
Personally I find it difficult not to respond, but all I can say is that the group is here for you, to listen.
 

Take care

[claribassist13]

These are words you will not want to hear, but it's not your fault. 
And I know that these words will never diminish the pain or the guilt that you feel, but they are more true than I can express. His death is not your fault. This was a horrible, horrible accident, and sometimes that is all we have. Sometimes there are just horrible accidents in the world, and they occur without rhyme or reason. We can do nothing to stop them, but we are left forever changed when they happen.

I encourage you to keep reaching out to people, even if it's only us. You need someone who is willing to listen. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for the horrific experience that you can't get out of your head.  Guilt is a part of grief...it does NOT mean you earned it, it means we feel it.  It's important to go easy on yourself and provide yourself with the same compassion and understanding you would to him or anyone else.  
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
 

[Nobody1]

I just wanted to thank you all for replying. I wasn't sure writing about my situation would help and I can't really say that it did. But the fact that you all took the time to respond DID help. So, thank you again and KayC thank you for the link. 

[Ritchie_uk]

Thanks for you're Honesty Nobody1

[velvettuberose]

On 9/13/2016 at 6:33 PM, Nobody1 said:

I just wanted to thank you all for replying. I wasn't sure writing about my situation would help and I can't really say that it did. But the fact that you all took the time to respond DID help. So, thank you again and KayC thank you for the link. 

It does help because you are not alone in your pain. If you don't want to talk to your neighbors, talk to us. But don't give up. 

My husband died suddenly and I thought I was not going to survive on my own, but I am fighting through the pain and depression. every day. We owe it to our loved ones...For their memory that is precious beyond anything else and for the love that we  all shared with them.That is something that not many people have even if they stay together for a lifetime. Think about that. And, no, it is not your fault at all. 

[velvettuberose]

2 hours ago, Nobody1 said:

I just wanted to thank you all for replying. I wasn't sure writing about my situation would help and I can't really say that it did. But the fact that you all took the time to respond DID help. So, thank you again and KayC thank you for the link. 

And you are SOMEBODY.

[KayC]

I agree, just because we lose the person we love doesn't make us a nobody, although I remember feeling like that because there was no longer someone who validated and cared about me like my George did.

We can't help your situation but like others have said, it helps to know you are not alone and that there are others who've been through it that understand.  It also helped me to know I wasn't crazy and that the grief feelings I had were normal given the situation.  I'm just sorry you're going through this.

[Jade954]

I lost my husband 15 days ago and the situation was very similar to yours. You wrote everything that I am thinking and feeling. Thank you!  

Today is my first day alone in my house and I am not sure what to do. I do have two dogs and a cat, thank goodness for them  I have to figure out how to be alone with out feeling scared.  I feel like I should be doing something for probate but I don't feel like doing anything.  Everything sounds so hard to do.    I started grief share on September 6, the day after the funeral.  It has helped, but I wish it more than once a week.  I found this website today and after reading everyone's stories. I know this is the process I have to go through and I will make it through.  I hope. 

[KayC]

Jade,

I'm sorry you also lost your husband.  I could hardly even think at 15 days out, I think I was kind of shell shocked!  I'm glad you have a group resource, there isn't anything like that where I live, but I saw a grief counselor and started with a grief forum, it literally saved my sanity.

It's a long process, but you will get through it.  One day at a time!  I'm glad you have your dogs and cat, that was my incentive to keep going.

[StevenKelly]

My wife passed away the one night I'm not home every six months. I keep thinking that if I were there I may have been able to save her. It's the one thing about this that really sends me over the deep end if I think about it to long. The police kept telling me that I would have had to be right next to her at the exact moment that she stopped breathing because she passed away in her sleep maybe they're right. Don't blame yourself.

[Nobody1]

6 hours ago, Jade954 said:

I lost my husband 15 days ago and the situation was very similar to yours. You wrote everything that I am thinking and feeling. Thank you!  

Today is my first day alone in my house and I am not sure what to do. I do have two dogs and a cat, thank goodness for them  I have to figure out how to be alone with out feeling scared.  I feel like I should be doing something for probate but I don't feel like doing anything.  Everything sounds so hard to do.    I started grief share on September 6, the day after the funeral.  It has helped, but I wish it more than once a week.  I found this website today and after reading everyone's stories. I know this is the process I have to go through and I will make it through.  I hope. 

Hi Jade, my name is Sandy (aka Nobody1). Being alone in the house that my husband and I fixed up together is unbearable.  Everywhere I look is some reminder of him and a time when life was normal. My dogs are my children and I don't know what I would do without them. I get through each day giving myself chores and ouside projects. I deliberately physically exhaust myself so that when the day is done I can fall asleep quickly . . . the only time I am at peace. I don't want to be negative but the only thing that comforts me is knowing that everyday I get through is one day closer to my death. I know thats horrible to say but I just have no desire to live like this. It is just my obligation to do so for my mother and dogs. I come to this site everyday and read everyone's updates and I'm glad for those who find help and comfort. I'm truly sorry for your loss and I hope that one day you find peace.

[StevenKelly]

3 hours ago, Nobody1 said:

My dogs are my children.

My wife and I bought our Weimaraner (dog) together 12 years ago, we always called her our child, my wife loved her so much. So thankful that I have her.

[claribassist13]

5 hours ago, Nobody1 said:

I don't want to be negative but the only thing that comforts me is knowing that every day I get through is one day closer to my death. I know that's horrible to say but I just have no desire to live like this. It is just my obligation to do so for my mother and dogs.

 

Living is going to take a lot of effort for a long time. You'll eventually get to a point where you think you might live through this...

While you haven't specifically stated when your husband passed, the tone of your posts would suggest that it wasn't that long ago. It's important to keep in mind that the majority of our healing does not begin until after the year mark. 

Keep reaching out, and keep talking!

[Nobody1]

15 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

While you haven't specifically stated when your husband passed, the tone of your posts would suggest that it wasn't that long ago. 

It has been nearly 11 weeks since my husband passed. It seems like forever. For the first month, I was so consumed with taking care of the arrangements and figuring out the finances. My husband did all of the bills online and I had none of the passwords and no clue what I was doing. After I got everything under control is when it all hit me. The finality of it all. I would never see him again, never hear him again, never touch him again. Never! He has been my best friend for over 25 years. More than half my life. I wish I had that last day back. I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I'd told him how much I loved him, how much I needed him. I wish I'd said I was sorry for all the things I'd done, or didn't do or things I had said or didn't say. I'd tell him I'm sorry for not being a better wife and a better person. I wish I had just one more day.

[KayC]

Steve,

I was gone the one time a year I go away with my sisters, and it blew me away that he'd have a heart attack then?!  I made it back to the hospital before he died, but they made me leave the ward while they worked on him...he died without ever  being able to have that "last conversation".  It's common to think if only I'd been there I might have made a difference, but the truth is, it probably wouldn't have.  In fact, people often choose to go when they're alone, maybe because they don't have to worry about how we're feeling?  IDK.

[claribassist13]

6 hours ago, Nobody1 said:

It has been nearly 11 weeks since my husband passed. It seems like forever. For the first month, I was so consumed with taking care of the arrangements and figuring out the finances. My husband did all of the bills online and I had none of the passwords and no clue what I was doing. After I got everything under control is when it all hit me. The finality of it all. I would never see him again, never hear him again, never touch him again. Never! He has been my best friend for over 25 years. More than half my life. I wish I had that last day back. I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I'd told him how much I loved him, how much I needed him. I wish I'd said I was sorry for all the things I'd done, or didn't do or things I had said or didn't say. I'd tell him I'm sorry for not being a better wife and a better person. I wish I had just one more day.

 

I can relate to your frustration in this aspect. 
My fiance died 3 days after Christmas, and Christmas was the last day I saw him. I would give anything to have one more day as well. 

[Jeff In Denver]

I am so sorry to hear what happened.  You're not a nobody.

Please don't blame yourself for not knowing something when you didn't know it.

This was NOT your fault!  There is nothing that you could have done differently.

[KayC]

Feeling guilt is often a part of grief.  In reality it has no basis, but it's hard telling our feelings that!  We all think the what if's...

I found this to be helpful...

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

[BigKev]

On September 18, 2016 at 7:14 PM, KayC said:

Steve,

I was gone the one time a year I go away with my sisters, and it blew me away that he'd have a heart attack then?!  I made it back to the hospital before he died, but they made me leave the ward while they worked on him...he died without ever  being able to have that "last conversation".  It's common to think if only I'd been there I might have made a difference, but the truth is, it probably wouldn't have.  In fact, people often choose to go when they're alone, maybe because they don't have to worry about how we're feeling?  IDK.

There are moments when I feel almost somewhat "thankful ?" that my wife didn't have to see me try and save her. Didn't have to see me melting down. Didn't have to see me lose her. i relive that event daily. When I try to remember her face, that moment is all I can see. 

Her opinion of me, her opinion of my actions and my acceptance of the reality of all of this is foremost in my mind. What she thinks of me still matters, completely. 

I will survive this or die trying, either result will be happily accepted.

[Jeff In Denver]

Nobody1, you said that there are many things you wish you had told him.  Maybe it's not too late!  The Blair Robertson video might give you hope:

 

[KayC]

BigKev,

I think we want to join them when they die, but when that doesn't happen we try and figure out how we can do this.  Yep, we survive this or die trying!

[Felpel91]

Hi Sandy, I know how you feel wishing you could just be dead to not have to deal with the pain.  One way I have looked at it also is that I want to die because if there is an afterlife, I want to hurry up and be with him already.

But one way I've changed my thinking around is by telling myself, I'm going to die anyway. Eventually.  And the thing is, if I do get to see him, I would rather have the opportunity to explain all the awesome things I did after he passed, and share with him all the memories and new friendships and new life I created for myself. I wouldn't want to have to explain how sad I was when he passed that I ended my life.

Thinking in those terms has helped me to sort of 'live for him' in a way. Sometimes when I'm experiencing something really neat that I know he'd enjoy, I even pretend he's experiencing it with me. 

Live for your husband. Imagine he is watching and there with you as you do things.  It's the only thing that has helped me. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Felpel91 said:

And the thing is, if I do get to see him, I would rather have the opportunity to explain all the awesome things I did after he passed, and share with him all the memories and new friendships and new life I created for myself. I wouldn't want to have to explain how sad I was when he passed that I ended my life.

I like that way of looking at it!

20 hours ago, Felpel91 said:

Thinking in those terms has helped me to sort of 'live for him' in a way.

[HPB]

On 9/17/2016 at 11:48 PM, Nobody1 said:

I deliberately physically exhaust myself so that when the day is done I can fall asleep quickly . . . the only time I am at peace.

Thank you for your post on the other thread. Of course it saddens me that you are still so miserable after more than 2 years, but on the other hand it really helps me seeing that I'm not the only one in the "hopelessly miserable group".

Sleep is really the only relief, unfortunately always followed by the worst moment of the day, when waking up again to this hellish conscious state.

I was walking regularly for many months to become exhausted a bit, but now got tired of this repetitive "prisoners walk" thing.

On 9/17/2016 at 11:48 PM, Nobody1 said:

the only thing that comforts me is knowing that everyday I get through is one day closer to my death. I know thats horrible to say but I just have no desire to live like this. It is just my obligation to do so for my mother and dogs.

Yep, same here, beside the fact, that I lost my mother already and have no dog  ...which doesn't really help for finding some reason to go through all this.

I hope the Lord has us on the priority list of folks to take home.

[Nobody1]

Unfortunately, at this point I don't view my mother and dogs as a reason to live. I hate to say this but I see them more as an obligation even an anchor keeping me in this neverending hell on Earth.

[HPB]

43 minutes ago, Nobody1 said:

I see them more as an obligation even an anchor keeping me in this neverending hell on Earth.

... this is actually what I meant.

It's obligations and anchors, that keep people to struggle on, because they have to.

[KayC]

And it can be like a placeholder until we get through this very hard part and beyond it, it can take years, but this is a journey that is ever evolving, it doesn't stay the same.  It's hard to see your way through it as it takes so long to process our grief and find good in life.