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My stepfather's health has taken a turn for the worse


Rick1963

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My stepfather, who has served as my father for forty years, since I was thirteen, is now at the age 87, facing mortality. He has been an extraordinarily self-disciplined and productive individual his entire life, a scholar who has produced a book a year since his retirement at the age of 60, and an activist for many causes. Even until a few weeks ago he was flying off to conferences to give lectures, and was diving into our gym's swimming pool head first. But then two weeks ago TIA mini-strokes set in and he's been severely incapacitated. He is lucid and can function at a severely reduced pace now if he doesn't leave his apartment and barely engages in any physical activity, but we all know the inevitable is on its way soon. This is hard for me, for him, for my mother, and for everybody else.

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Hello Rick, it is so hard to see a parent's health decline.  It's scary when it happens slowly and I can only imagine it's even harder to deal when sudden, as no one has time to adjust.  I know there are treatments for this condition that can greatly improve functioning, but if that's not an option and your father is declining quickly it is devstating to accept.  Have you considered grief counseling to assist you with coming to terms with the decline in his health?  He is obviously facing his own adjustment as he is now not able to do the things he once could and that is probably very hard for him.  My mom had dementia so I can relate to this.  I try not to show alarm or react emotionally when she fails a task or activity she used to be able to do.  I help her brush it off and we do something else that she can do.  I'd recommend taking this route with your father.  He may be facing mortality, but I'd bed he'd like to get as much quality time in doing enjoyable things as he can.  Think about what things he can do that he may enjoy, just watching a ball game with him, or walking around the block. It's a delicate balance, you have to allow them to be frustrated, but not overload them with your grief.  It's hard but we are here for you and if additional help is needed I'd highly recomend 1:1 grief counseling.  Best wishes.

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Hugs Rick

Your dad sounds like a wonderful man with many purposes in life and it sounds like he's pursued and accomplished those purposes.  Most importantly he sounds like a man of great love for family and life.  Ditto on everything that seachelle says.  One thing in this life is certain:  10 out of 10 of us aren't going to make it out of here alive so it boils down to how are we going to live our lives and your dad has been blessed with many gifts throughout his life, and it sounds like he appreciated them and used them to the fullest.  Now that is a life well lived.  That being said, I truly believe that no-one ... no doctor, no nurse, no priest, pastor, no-one can say when a person is going to leave us.  I always tell people not to give up hope.  I base this on a dear friend of mine ... a police officer of 43 years of age.  2 years ago he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer.  He was given 6 months to live.  Like I said that was 2 years ago and today that man is cancer free.  I realise that this doesn't happen to everyone but he is the reason I tell people not to give up hope.  Your dear dad may bounce back from this ... he may not but in the interim, just keep on loving him and honour him in being the best person that you can be.  Take care and God bless.

Cindy Jane

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