Recently feeling alot of guilt from loss of mother.

[Anonymouss]

My mom died on the night of March 30th of 2011 from suicide. I was 11 at that time. I feel so much guilt because I could have saved her life if I was more attentive about her. It was a normal school day, my dad left home to work at 6pm and It was just me and my mom at home. I had dinner then noticed my mom acting strangely. I had finished my homework and then my mom talks to me and says "Here I want you to have this." as she gives me about $300. I tell her "Why are you giving me this much money?" She told me not to worry about it and not to spend it too quickly. It was about 10pm I was getting ready for bed and my mom walks in my room tells me "I want to talk to you about some things." She sits on the side of my bed and tells me "No matter what happens I want you to be strong in life and I love you very much." I hugged her and she gave me a kiss. I went to bed after that and that was the last time I saw her. 5am in the morning I hear my dad yelling my name over and over in despair. I was so confused what had happend, my dad had broke down the door to the room where my mom was since it was locked. My dad had found her on the bed with no response and was crying saying she was gone. At first I didn't believe what he said and he called 911, they arrived about 10 minutes later and some fire men went in to check her. They had told us the terrible news that still shocks me to this day, they said we are sorry we couldn't do anything to help her. I didn't know what to do I felt so confused and angry. My whole family came a few hours later and one of my aunts and her boyfriend came to pick me up along with my cousins and we went out to do some things to get my mind off of that. Throughout the day I was emotionless didn't care about anything. Short story after that I lived with my grandparents for 3 years and moved back with my dad since 2014. I just can't get it off of my mind that I could have saved her if I was more attentive with her. I've been failing school ever since and been having flashbacks of alot of stuff in the past I cant forget.

[seachelle]

Anonymouss, there is nothing you could have done!  You were a child, how could you have known what she was intending to do?!  She was the adult, and she chose to end her in the home she shared with you.  I think if I was in your shoes I'd have a lot of anger, not guilt.  Obviously, in some way, you mom was vulnerable, but as a child there's not way you could have comprehended what she would do or even known what to do about it.  I encourage you to seek counseling for this devastating loss.  Guilt is very common in grief, but as a young person, you may need additional help to deal with it.  

[Rao]

I feel sorry for you but it isn't something you should blame yourself. Your moms last wish is for you to stay strong and live your life. Recently I lost my father. While I was there every second of his last days, I stepped away on the day he breathed his last. I blamed myself and was disappointed in me for letting him down. While I try not to think of it much , just remember it's not you. You were just a child living and doing what a child supposed to do. Please don't be so harsh on yourself. Imagine this was your last day on this earth, would you want it to be ended you having the guilt vs living life to the fullest and experiencing life that your mom may want you to have. 

[Broken-Hearted]

You were 11 - how is a child supposed to prevent or even comprehend that a parent might do that. You are 100% not at fault