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Severe anxiety after loss of mother


steph987

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Hi all. My name is Stephanie. I lost my mother almost 8 months ago to ovarian cancer. I saw her suffer with it (silently b/c she would never complain) for about 2 1/2 years. She did chemo for 2 years and did responded well to it. Then the chemo stopped working and she slipped away right in front of my eyes. I managed as best as I could after she passed. I was enrolled in college at the time and stayed busy with that because I made her a promise that I would not drop out again. Because of school I stayed very busy and I guess my mind did not have much time to really process what I saw and what actually happened. I mourned her death but kept myself occupied.  I worked out almost every day. I would hardly ever rest. I was constently doing something. Anything. I would do anything to try and fill the emptiness I felt. I even tried crossfit.  Crossfit didn't work out well b/c I ended up in the hospital b/c of a very serious migraine, which was caused by heat exhaustion and dehydration, which in turn caused a very intense panic attack. I had an eye sguiggle b/c of the migraine which caused the anxiety to begin with. It made the left side of my body go numb and I thought I was having a stroke. I was driving my son home when the migraine started happening. I could not even remember how to get home. My 4 year old son had to tell me how to get there. I thought I was going to wreck. It was the most terrifying experience I've ever had.

Ever since the day I went to the ER, I've been having issues. I started having panic attacks daily after that. Every time a bright light or something would interfere with my vision, I would start to have a panic attack. In fear of having that awful experience again.  Eventually I couldn't sleep or eat.. I had a pounding heart with no relief for about 24 hours when I decided that enough was enough. Something is wrong. I need to call the doctor. I lost 10 pounds in 5 days and could not manage to get out of bed. It was the weekend at the time so by Monday I made an appointment to go see the doctor and he prescribed me klonopin to take at night to help me calm down so I could sleep.  I was prescribed this before with post-partum anxiety/depression/insomnia. I absolutely hated it but It helped tremendously. I hated taking it but it eventually worked and I didn't have to take it anymore. I have tried Ativan and am currently taking xanax b/c the other too just made me more anxious. He did not diagnose me with PTSD officially b/c he's not a pysch dr but a OBGYN, but he seemed to think that is what is going on with me. I am doing better but I get this overwhelming pang of fear every now and then that causes me so much distress. It comes out of nowhere. It's a feeling like I am afraid to be alive. Like this is, or I am not real. Like I am stuck or claustrophobic in my own body. Saying out loud makes me laugh because it sounds so ridiculous but it is causing me a great deal of anxiety. And I CANNOT make it go away. I cannot get my mother out of my mind either. I was doing pretty decent before that experience in the ER. So, I don't know if going to the ER was the cause of this, my mother, or maybe it triggered something b/c of the overwhelming loss of my mother but It's absolutely horrifying and I'm at a loss. Benzodiazepines (klonopin, ativan, xanax, valium) so I'm told, is given to people sometimes to help with PTSD and severe distress and anxiety. It can take a few weeks for it to be therapeutic. Basically I am writing this to see if anyone else has ever dealt with these feelings before? I am at a complete loss as how to handle this. I hate the meds but what if they help me in the long run?

 

I know this is a lot to read. I understand if no one wants to take the time. I feel better banging it out on the keyboard. Much love to you all who are suffering. (sorry for the typos)

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Hi there, many people experience not just depressive feelings but anxiety after a serious loss.  I think much of the anxiety stems from the reality that our culture is not supportive of grief, and people are often forced to work through grief and deal with other family stressors and so aren't able to take care of their  mental health properly.  It sounds like you  may have had some lingering tendency toward anxiety from your post partum depression.  I too have anxiety and depression and it started in my early 20's.  I take medication daily and it really helps. I think that it's possible that you do have PTSD after watching your mother become ill you probably have a lot of negative associations with hospitals and medical issues.  I'd take the medication for the time being.  You could try to wean yourself off later after you have had time to deal with some of the grief and develop some lifestyle coping strategies that work for you.  Also, if you don't like those Benzo's it might be beneficial to try an antidepressant so that you can take the benzo's for a shorter period.  Antidepressants are less addictive and easier to get off of in the long run.

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Hi Stephanie, I lost my father very recently and feel amputated in more than 1 ways. I saw him suffer and have flashes since then. I am working very hard to work thru my grief. I am not emotional types but when I can I do cry a lot to let it out. On those days I feel little lighter so I can sleep. I am sure there are some ways you can find to heal. This is what I tell myself when it all hits me with having to never see him again is, dying and death is natural process and no one can escape this pain and reality. It's universal and everyone has to go thru this. Some day it's our turn too. My grandparents lost their parents, my father lost his parents and I lost him, it's a cycle of life no one is exempted. Pls try to get outdoors  and see the beautiful sunrise, dew drops on the grass, take a deep breath,  etc. hope this helps you in some ways. Take care.

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