My husband died of a herion overdose.

[Edeltgi]

I met my husband when I was 19. He was 30....we met in a treatment center for drug addiction. I remember fantasizing about being his wife. After about six months of sneaking off to meet each other, passing love notes, ect., we ran away together and started a life. We were together every night since then...worked our way up into a house and really good jobs. We were so happy. It was my first (and very brief) run-in with drugs, and I never had any problems with relapse. He did, though. About a year in, he relapsed. He could never confide in me about it though, I always had to catch him. I told him that if he did it again without depending on me as his partner, that I would leave him. Couldn't life with all of the lying and the danger it put me in. He showed me how badly he wanted to be with me, and to be healthy, and we were fine for years. We got married, were talking about having a baby- I even had the appointment to have my IUD taken out so we could conceive. I think this was a distraction from the fact that we had been drifting apart and I didn't understand why. We were intimate less often, I felt like I couldn't trust him and would sneak and look in his phone and find texts that I knew were drug related, but I would always let him convince me it meant something else. I knew was using, but I didn't know. Then I met someone and was unfaithful, not sexually...but still. He found out and we got in a huge fight. He admitted to using again, but only after I told him I was leaving again. Almost like a last ditch effort to get me to stay. He said, "You knew I was an addict when you got into this." And he was right. Why was I surprised?! Why did I leave?? What happened to "in sickness and in health?" I'd never meant words more in my life than when I said that on our wedding day. How did that change? I think I just felt so betrayed, so I betrayed him. I don't know...I spoke out of anger so many times in the last year and a half. I can be so cruel, and now it's just suspended out there forever. He'll never know how sorry I am or how much I love him. 

He overdosed in a gas station bathroom two weeks ago. Two days after my birthday; I just turned 24. I have so much guilt, grief and regret. He was "dating" someone. They met a few months ago. His obituary said, "survived by his family and fiance." We're still legally married! It hurts so much more. I feel like he never loved me. Or what if he loved her more than me? Logically, I know that it isn't my fault he died, and I know that a relationship where both parties are actively using is very different than a healthy, loving 5 year relationship/marriage, but my heart doesn't know that. I feel like our relationship is totally invalidated.

At first I was so upset that I felt physically ill every day. Now, I've completely immersed myself in school work and I don't even stop to eat most of the time, much less process anything emotionally. I just want him to contact me somehow, even though I don't even think that's possible. I can't talk to anyone in my real life...they're all my age. They don't understand the weight of this, or the complication of losing a spouse to something like this. I haven't even told my professors. I have no idea what to do. I don't think I even have words to talk to another human about what I'm feeling. What do you do if your soulmate dies before you're in your mid-twenties? His mom told me once, "thank you for keeping him clean all these years." So, naturally they blame me for him using again. His family hates me and ignores any attempt to contact them about the memorial service. I'll never get closure. I just want to go back to when things were good. I miss him. I miss being like that with someone. I am so broken, and no one really knows.

[Ritchie_uk]

Dear emilydeltgen,

Thankyou for sharing the story of how you met you're husband.

I'm really sorry to hear about his tragic suicide, I can't imagine what you are going through now.
Please try not to punish yourself, for things that were said and done, we have all do it.

Thankyou for reaching out in this forum, as many are struggling similar situations.
If you can make this you're home and I hope you feel you can continue share as you have so bravely done
for as long as you need to.

Take care emilydeltgen

 

[KayC]

Emily,

Wow, that is a lot to deal with, and especially at such a young age.  On marriagebuilders.com Dr. Harley says you can't begin to fix a marriage unless/until alcohol/drug addictions are first dealt with.  That's because they cause someone to not be like themselves and can't get through to them in the way that you need to...the addictions first need dealt with.  
That does not mean he did not love you, and obviously you love him or you wouldn't be going through the turmoil you are and coming here.  I hope you will see a grief counselor.  Have you talked to a counselor at your school?  Most colleges provide them.  Did he die at a hospital?  If so, they provide help as well.
You, as his legal wife, had legal jurisdiction to write his obituary and plan his memorial service, not his family, certainly not the "other person".  Who provided the information for the obituary?  That is just so wrong!  And for his family to pull the plug on you...I am just so sorry.  I guess they want someone to blame and it can't be them, so easier to blame you.  That doesn't make you responsible for his death though or his choices.  You tried to keep him off drugs.

Hang onto:

16 hours ago, Edeltgi said:

His mom told me once, "thank you for keeping him clean all these years."

Whatever they act like now, it doesn't take away from the fact that she attributed responsibility for that feat to YOU.  She knew you were a positive influence in her son's life.
So he got engaged to someone else while married to you...SHE did not keep him off of drugs!  It's a wonder they aren't blaming her!  The truth is, he was responsible for his own choices and actions.  That doesn't mean he didn't love you.
 

I hope you will tell him how you feel, maybe write him a letter.  He's part of the spirit world now, who knows, it's possible he can read it or hear you.  He's there, just not physically so you can see him.  Now his life makes sense to him, now he is no longer encumbered by the physical limitations he once was.  I truly believe we don't just cease to exist, but evolve to something else, as energy we merely change form.
 

I hope this brings you some peace.  Please try not to torment yourself, you are responsible for only you.  You seem self-aware, and are trying to learn and I believe you will do well, please give yourself much patience and understanding and the time to heal.  It's good to get help though, not try to carry this by yourself.  I'm glad you found this forum and posted, that's a start.

My heart goes out to you...

[Edeltgi]

God, I really can't thank you guys enough for saying these things...it's such a relief to hear from someone who seems to understand. I have an appointment with a counselor on campus next week. I feel like I'm just going to go in there and sob for an hour and make it really awkward, but at least I have a safe space to dump all of these weird emotions.

I'm so glad I found this forum.

[Ritchie_uk]

Hi Edeltgi,

I hope you're day has been Ok today?

It's a positive step forward that you are going for counselling next week.
Any step forward however small is positive.
From experience don't be too hard on yourself, as the human mind often takes 2 steps forward and 3 back, but that's not a negative thing, it's part of the healing process.
My Mum said to me ages ago that Sobbing is the bodies way of releasing poisons, and Tears of sadness when analysed by scientists were different than tears of Joy for example.
I have cried buckets in my life.

As I mentioned before, just be here, and tell us all as much as you feel comfortable sharing.
I hope the counselling goes well and does at least help in some way.

Dear KayC, thank you for you're kind word, here and always on this Forum.

Ritchie

 

[claribassist13]

12 hours ago, Edeltgi said:

 I have an appointment with a counselor on campus next week. I feel like I'm just going to go in there and sob for an hour and make it really awkward, but at least I have a safe space to dump all of these weird emotions.

I am currently seeing a grief counselor through my university as well, and she has been one of the best things for me since my fiance's accident. 
If you feel the need to sob for a hour, do it. The spaces they create a safe spaces meant to be employed by all. 

There are a couple of tips that I'll give you. Feel free to take them or not. 
1. Ensure that the counselor is a grief counselor, not just a regular one. Grief counselors are specifically trained and knowledgeable in grief and the psychological and physiological symptoms of that grief. 

2. A grief counselor will not make your pain go away. If you go into a counseling session with that attitude, you are going to be sorely disappointed. 

3. A grief counselor will say things you don't want to hear. It can be difficult going to see a grief counselor so early. I am glad that you are, but keep in mind that you may not be ready to hear all that they have to say. Let them know if something they say bothers you. Your relationship with them cannot go forward and be successful if you aren't willing to engage in clear communication.

4. Progress will be slow. Don't expect to be better in a week or for you pain to magically go away. Grief counselors help facilitate your grief process and offer other resources/coping techniques for you to try. They want for you to grieve, but they want you to do so in a healthy manner. This is a relationship that will take time to build, so give it a chance before deciding it doesn't work for you. 

I am a strong advocate for grief counseling. Perhaps I just got lucky with an amazing counselor, but I can honestly say that I would have gone absolutely off the wall crazy had I not had an unbiased third party that I could talk about anything with. 

I hope that you appointment goes well!

[KayC]

I am glad you have an appt. scheduled.  I have an article on finding a grief counselor, I'll look for it and post it later if I find it.

Here you go:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html