Hello

[kkirk78]

Hi Bryan,

I too lost my twin boys to twin to twin transfusion. I went into labor when I was only 22 weeks along. They tried to stop it but they were born several hours later. They lived for about an hour. Thankfully, We got to be with them the whole time they were with us. They were born on March 12, 2007. We named them Waylon Thomas and Jesse Redden. My husband and I have gotten tattoos to remember them by. We felt this would help us and help us remember them. All we had was the baby blanket from the hospital and a few other items. We didn't want to place the keepsakes in a box and put it on a shelf and feel like we had forgotten them. It has been very difficult for my husband and I, these were our first children. We are scared thinking about trying again but I know someday we will when we are ready. I would be interested in hearing your whole story.

Kendra

[Guest Guest]

Young E-Published writer who has lost her mother, father, pets, friends, babies and many significant others is putting the finishing touches on a table book which captures the humorous and sometimes inappropriate remarks that children and adults make when choosing what to say to someone who has suffered the loss of a Parent, Spouse, Lover, Friendship, Pet, Child or Business Partnership is seeking your contribution today.

These stories are not exclusive to death as loss can include those who have moved away from us either physically or emotionally. We are NOT seeking stories relating to the loss of jobs, homes or other personal property.

Painful memories when shared in a safe environment can often be soul healers so we hope you'll take the time to share with our understanding group.

When replying, please include your first name, age and the subject of the loss on the subject line:

i.e. LOSS OF PARENT or LOSS OF CHILD, etc.

Please fill out a survey here:

http://www.zoomerang.com/survey.zgi?p=WEB226E49J9JZG

-OR-

Send your responses to:

tablebook2007@yahoo.com

-OR-

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tablebook2007/

Many thanks,

[Guest Guest]

Born Tuesday, October 25, 2005 at 2:49 P.M.

He was born into the arm of Jesus.

He Weighted 6lbs. 14oz. and was 19 1/2 inch long

Born to the parents of Dawn & David Sr.

David Had Dark brown curly hair and long dark eyelashes and a full face and handsome little boy too Me!!!!

Let me start from the begin I found I was pregnant with you on March 8th of 2005 and I came home and told your Dad and your Grandma ( Dad's Mom)and then your older sister Anita and Jenny and Then we told the rest of the Family and then at church but the pregnancy would somewhat high-risk because of the high-blood pressure and the diabetes ( Before the Pregnancy)

They did different test and echo on my heart to see how thing where doing e.t.c. and On May 11, 2005 we had our first u/s done and got to see you.

I had some what of easy pregnancy with this fourth pregnancy I had morning sickness especially when I smelled bread and tuna and got heartburn from spice food and I had to take easy and some bed rest.

Then The month October came Ans I was in my nine month and I tried to get some rest but was not easy have to get up at different time day night going to the bathroom all the time then One morning I woke with mild cramps those mild cramps got worst by the mins. and then I knew Was in labor with you We when pick up your sister at school and drove you to your Grandma house and Dad took you and your sister up to Grandma place to watch you and then we when to the hospital they try find the heart beat but nothing at all thy did U/s Nothing at and Sorry

But you're Baby is died and I wanted to push but not in the right room they took me back to labor & Delivery and It was just me & my Husband for few mins and I had to push and I felt some thing come out in it was the baby foot I gave birth to my baby breech and that when we found out you where a boy they ask if I want to hold you right way and I said no they place you in the warmer the in bassinet took you for pictures and the they weight you measure you and after picture We got to see I did want to hold yet I was still shock yet. Our Pastor from the church came to see us and Sister-in law and husband came up also I was in the hospital for few days and Then I was Discharged from the hospital on Oct 27

I got to hold then and talk to you and touch you

and gave you kiss then we gave back to the nurse

who took you back and we when home the next couple day where a blurrrr

We set up your funeral arrangements for Nov 1,2005 at 11:00 A.M

But we got see you first to see how you looked and to have some time alone but any came to see .

You were dress in your onines t-shirt with pocket that was red and diaper and wrap -up in Winnie the pooh blanket and fleece yellow blanket and teddy bears and Binky that blue with air plane on the clip to your blanket that from Daddy and sun glass from Cousin Lillian and Aunt

Lora

Then We laid you rest in the Cemetery in area that is call Kiddie land plot 6 5 edit 14

that the number of where you are at in kiddie land

And go there almost everyday except when it too cold or it rain really hard

[spammo]

Well here I go again wrote a long one but somehow it got erased well to make it simple and short I am the grandma of samuel christopher smith born silently into this world at 22 weeks on 9/29/2006 @ 3:04 am weighed 8 oz and was 9 and a half inches long had 10 fingers and 10 toes and was loved and wanted more than anything in this world I watched as my daughter lay in agony of induced labor while knowing all along he would not cry breathe or live he would be born dead. We grieved while she was in labor and I still grieve although I feel mine is not justified as I am not the parent but only the grandparent I feel like I shouldn't be the one feeling so hurt upset mad I feel like I am taking this to much to heart and it should be my daughters pain I don't know why I feel like this please help and like some others have statedthey have had panic and anxiety attacks I to have noticed that since this i to have had them

[spammo]

Well here I go again wrote a long one but somehow it got erased well to make it simple and short I am the grandma of samuel christopher smith born silently into this world at 22 weeks on 9/29/2006 @ 3:04 am weighed 8 oz and was 9 and a half inches long had 10 fingers and 10 toes and was loved and wanted more than anything in this world I watched as my daughter lay in agony of induced labor while knowing all along he would not cry breathe or live he would be born dead. We grieved while she was in labor and I still grieve although I feel mine is not justified as I am not the parent but only the grandparent I feel like I shouldn't be the one feeling so hurt upset mad I feel like I am taking this to much to heart and it should be my daughters pain I don't know why I feel like this please help and like some others have statedthey have had panic and anxiety attacks I to have noticed that since this i to have had them

I am so sorry for the loss of your grandson Samuel what a beautiful name.I also lost a very precious grandson named Garrett in Feb o7.My daughter found out in her pregancy that he would be born with a heart condition ,facing surgery .Four days after his birth we buried our baby grandson.I am very close to my daughters and have been present at the births of my grandchildren. I never got to hold him , hear him cry or smell the new smell of him.I watched as he was put on the Ecmo amchine ,tubes and such ,but the most horrifying was the cry for my daughter to hold her child .All I could do was hold her, and tell her how much I loved her .I felt I had to be strong and not break .I feel all you have wrote about the anger. the loss ,pain and yet i feel i have not fully grieved because he was not my child .I do nto want to take anything away from her she jas had enough taken. I guess I am just trying to find some one who can talk and share the same with me also.

[lucylover]

You are grieving double dose.You grieve for yourself and also for your Daughters pain.I lost my son 6 weeks ago and I didnt want to leave out my parents pain.I saw my parents hurt for me as well there loss for there grandson.Thanks Robyn

[cameronsmom1]

Dear all, I have created a page on myspace for those who have lost a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or any type of death. It has some great songs on it, great quotes, and poems (some that I wrote and some that I found). It is a place where you can go and write anything you need to talk about or get out kind of like this. It is really nice to talk to others that have been through what you have. Please take a look at it and if you have a myspace add it if not just feel free to browse. Thanks Amanda

http://www.myspace.com/dedicatedtoourangelbabies

[cameronsmom1]

Hi my name is Amanda Wittner and this is my story. April 5th, my son Brayden Jeremiah Wittner was stillborn. Through my whole pregnancy everything was normal, all the tests, ultrasound, and everything. I started having a lot of swelling when I was 36 weeks so I was sent to get tested for preeclampsia and when I took my 24 hour urinalysis back to the hospital I was feeling a lot of pressure so I decided to go get checked in the er. I was fully thinned out and dilated to a 3 having contractions every 2 minutes. They tried giving me the shot to stop it since I was only 36 weeks but it didn't stop. My Dr. came to break my water and the fluid was tea colored. Once the water was broke they couldn't pick up a heart rate so they did an ultrasound. Come to find out my babies heart had stopped beating at least a week before and he had fluid around his heart. So I had to call everyone that was on there way to the hospital and tell them that my baby was gone. I still had to deliver which was so hard. Knowing I was going through all that work and I don't even get to hear my baby cry or take my baby home. It is the hardest thing i've ever been through. Here is a poem that I wrote for his funeral.

[cameronsmom1]

[align=center]Our Goodbye

[/align]

[align=center]We never thought we’d say goodbye before we got to say hello[/align]

[align=center]We have so many questions but there’s things we’ll never know[/align]

[align=center]Everything happens for a reason and although it isn’t fair[/align]

[align=center]We all wish that we were with you there[/align]

[align=center]It hurt so much to know that there was nothing we could do[/align]

[align=center]And we never got the chance to spend our time with you[/align]

[align=center]There will always be a spot for you in everybody’s heart[/align]

[align=center]And that’s our way of knowing we’ll never be apart[/align]

[align=center]So many people loved you although you never met[/align]

[align=center]But there’s little things about you we never will forget[/align]

[align=center]Your brother may not understand but he did love you so [/align]

[align=center]And when it comes the time we’ll help him to let go[/align]

[align=center]It’s so hard for me and daddy to have to say goodbye[/align]

[align=center]And hard to think about you and try not to cry[/align]

[align=center]You’re a beautiful baby boy and we wish you could have stayed[/align]

[align=center]But we will try to be strong and we’ll take it day by day[/align]

[align=center]This is our goodbye although it’s the last thing we want to do[/align]

[align=center]So rest in peace our baby boy we will always love you[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[cameronsmom1]

Of course you are justified. When I lost my son Brayden to stillbirth in April, it didn't just affect me, my whole family was there and hurting and still do. Brayden would have been my mother and father in laws first grandbaby and I saw them go through grieving just like me. I lost a son and they lost a grandson so i'm not the only one that is grieving. He will always be missed. You should not feel like you shouldn't be having these emotions because that baby was a big part of your life too.

[cameronsmom1]

Just reading through a lot of this I have noticed that many have had to deal with people avoiding them after their loss because they don't know what to say or how to comfort them or people just saying all the wrong things. I found this and thought that it described me perfectly and thought some of you could relate to it too.

I WISH

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't

think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The

truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my

baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby died and that

you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The

truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or

if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I

should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to

act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my

baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasnt't really a baby

and he was just blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby had a life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and

a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was real

person - and he was alive.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby was born and the day I lost him are all important and

sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or

by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him.

Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone

thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me

something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was

perfect no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

[cameronsmom1]

I'm still trying to design my sons headstone and can't decide on what I want it to say at the bottom. He was stillborn. Any ideas?

[cameronsmom1]

[cameronsmom1]

Here's a few ideas I have, please give me input on them to help me decide.

"Stillborn, Still Loved, Forever missed"

"So small, So sweet, So soon"

Our only memory is "We Loved Him"

"We opened our arms but you were placed in our hearts"

[cameronsmom1]

I just wanted to write and check on everyone. I was wondering if you could write me and tell me one of the main things that have helped you cope with your loss. Maybe something you do, or something you've read, or maybe even a family member or friend that has done something for you. I was wanting to post a blog on my myspace with helpful advice on coping especially for those who are just experiencing a loss. So if you could please give me some ideas I would greatly appreciate it.

Amanda (Mother of an Angel Baby)

www. myspace. com/dedicatedtoourangelbabies

[shorty16]

Amanda

I personnaly found reading to be a help.  To know that I was not going crazy when a full 3 months after the accident I still cannot believe it. 

Also, If I get another word of advice from people who have never been through it I am going to scream.  People think I want to hear advice from them when they do not know the depth of my pain.  Before Brian's death, I had no idea grief could be so physical.  I started having panic attaches and had to go to the dr to tell me that I was not having a heart attack.

Another is the physical pain you will feel.  You are no going mad, but your body responds to things before your mind can figure out what your body is responding to.  Probably does not make sense, but grief is physical.

Thats my 2 cents.

Colleen

[cameronsmom1]

Colleen, Thanks for your 2 cents! So when you say reading, do you mean just anything or is there specific topics you would read about?

I know what you mean by the advice from those who haven't been through this. I know they are just trying to help but that make it seem so easy like they are pretty much saying just get over it you can have another one. I think a lot of people don't acknowledge stillbirth as being difficult compared to losing an older child. Being that I have never lost an older child I can in no way compare it but stillbirths are their own kind of loss. Those who have never been through a loss act as if it shouldn't bother me as bad because I never got attached to this baby and I didn't really know him. But the truth is I was attached the day my pregnancy test was positive. I talked to him and felt him inside me, I knew him enough to know that was my son. It isn't as bad when it is someone that has kids because they can kinda imagine what it would be like to lose one. So they are a little more sympathetic.

So what is your story if you don't mind me asking? And how long ago was it? I have my detailed story written in Loss due to stillbirth and I warn you it is long but if you want to take a look its there. But thanks again for the advice. I'm trying to get all the ideas I can to try to help others that are on my myspace page. I have had a lot add it lately and most of them have just recently lost a child and I want to help them through the long road ahead. It has only been 6 months for me but helping others in my position is what has helped me most. We can all get through it together.

Amanda(Mother of an Angel)

[sammyl]

Hello,

My name is Marion. I lost my son almost five years ago. He died after 12 days. I understand the part about bonding when they were inside the womb. It does not matter how old they were just that they were yours. I did not really allow myself to greif because of what others said. And now I find myself hurting really bad. I am not sure what to expect from sending this post I guess just to share with someone who has lost a child. Not to be so all alone.

[cameronsmom1]

Marion,

I'm so sorry that you were not allowed the time to grieve. It's hard when the people around you don't understand what it's like. It's like they compare it to buying something and having to return it because its broken. You just take it up there a exchange it for a new one. If only it were that easy but it's nothing at all like that. This was your baby and always will be your baby regardless of how long he/she was here. I'm glad that you have found your way here. The people here are great and they understand what you're going through. They will never expect anything of you, never judge you, and most importantly they will listen. They want to hear your story and they never want you to stop talking about it. That's what I love because I don't want to stop, I don't want to forget about my son and I don't want anyone else to either. It was hard to talk about at first but now I love to and it helps so much. Please write whenever you like and I will try my best to help you through this journey. I would love to hear your story if you are ready to share it.

Amanda (Mother of an Angel Baby)

Here is my myspace that I have made dedicated to angel babies. It is a great page with inspiring quotes and poems. I try to keep it updated with all the things that have helped me through this. Please take a look and if you have a myspace please add it.

www.myspace.com/dedicatedtoourangelbabies

 

 

[sammyl]

Thank you!

[DawnFisher]

Hello -

I am posting Kelly's original post from the home page of www.beyondindigo.com/forums under the "Please Tell Us" thread "Beyond Indigo Reunion."  I thought that many of you might not have seen it there.  If you are interested in atteding a Beyond Indigo Reunion - or would like to help us in the planning stages...please post on that thread.

Thanks!

Dawn

Beyond Indigo

 

 

Hello all,

We are thinking about hosting a Beyond Indigo Reunion in Peoria, ILL next spring. It would allow people to meet other Beyond Indigo members in person. Could you please let us know if this would be something that would interest you? We would have social events by type of loss (child, parent, spouse etc). If this is of interest for people we would also be looking for "hosts" for each type of loss to plan events for that loss group. Please chime in!

Thanks

Kelly

Kelly Baltzell

President

Beyond Indigo

[cameronsmom1]

My baby, Brayden, would have been 7 months tomorrow. Please keep me in your thoughts.

Amanda

[calebsmommy]

Hi! My name is Shandi and thankfully I found this site. I just felt I should share my story. We just lost our little Caleb November 10, 2008. He was born November 08, 2008. I had recently gone to my doctor's appt when they sent me to the hospital to be checked for preeclampsia. I was then diagnosed with it and transferred to another hospital; that was Wednesday. On Friday the ultrasound showed he had a hole in his diaphram and his stomach and liver was coming through it. Also his little hands were deformed. But the hole could be repaired. They were going to keep me in the hospital for 5-6 weeks and try to get his lungs developed. By Saturday my blood pressure was stroke level and they couldn't get it to go down. So they made the decision to induce. Once they broke my water and started giving me Petocin; chaos soon followed. Caleb's heartrate decreased by half so off I go for an emergency c-section. I was so terrified and my husband couldn't be with me because they had to put me under. After I woke up my husband and the doctor was sitting beside me. They told me Caleb was very sick, that his lungs were so underdeveloped, he might not make it. I finally got to see my little Caleb and although I was 31 weeks , he was so big. 3.2 lbs and 17 inches long, he was absolutley perfect. We were so worried about his little hands, but I immediatley fell in love with them. We were calling him our little superman cause he was fighting so hard. He opened both eyes, just once, when me and his daddy were talking to him. On Monday the doctors said he took a turn for the worse, that his O2 stats were too low and they couldn't get them up. So they said it was better to let him go. I am very thankful that I got to hold my angel while he passed away. It was the most painful thing I've ever been through. I'm thankful he is not suffering any more. And I try to find comfort in knowing that one day I'll see him again. He has touched so many people's lives in just the two days he was here. People that hadn't prayed in years were on their knees praying. We had so many family and friends that has helped us get through this. And the doctors and staff at the hospital were so nice. I had doctors with tears in their eyes giving me hugs. But most of all my husband has been the one to help me most of all. If anything our love has grown stronger. We are going to talk to the genetics doctor and make sure this won't happen again, but I think we are going to try again. Of course no one will ever take Caleb's place, but we got a taste of what it's like to be parents and we both want it so bad. Thank you for letting me share my story. And Caleb will always be our little hero.

[calebsmomma]

Shandi, I want to throw my arms around you and give you a giant hug.  I have lost a Caleb too, tho I was blessed to keep mine til he was nearly 20.  hold all your memories close to you, turn to your heavenly father, and when you can write down all your feelings and memories.  You will appreciate them later.

Carmen

[calebsmommy]

Carmen, I'm so sorry for your loss, for everyone here. You try to imagine the pain and heartache someone must be going through when they lose a child. But, the truth is; you can never truly know until it happens to you. I was blessed that the hospital made us a memory box with pictures, handprints, footprints, a lock of hair and many other things we can cherish. I already have pictures of Caleb throughout the house. He's our little angel.

[cameronsmom1]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I too received a memory box from the hospital and have made a wall out of the things as a memorial for my baby, Brayden. It is so hard to understand why my baby, why so young. We will get through this together.

www.myspace.com/dedicatedtoourangelbabies

Amanda

[cassies]

Shandi-

I am so sorry for your loss. I know what it feels like to loose a baby. Even though my Tanner wasn't a newborn he was still a baby at 21 months old. We share the same thing. Loosing something that we love so much. I lost my Tanner a month ago and it's still all new to me. This site has helped me with alot and I pray for you. If you ever need to talk we are here.   Cassie

[heartbeataway]

Hi guys,

I was "trolling" on the internet today and I ran across a couple of sites I would like to share:

firstcandle.org

nowilaymedowntosleep.org

First Candle is basically for Sids and Stillborn deaths. 

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is Memorial Photography

Amanda,

If you will privately send me your address.  I found something I would like to send you.

When I saw it in the store, I thought of you.

Blessings to all.....

[DawnFisher]

I'd like to ask a favor - this link will take you to a guestbook for a 7-month old angel named Kaylee who lost her battle with a rare lung disorder on Saturday.  Her parents are just teenagers and do not have internet access...but if you could sign her guest book and light a candle...I will print them out to let them know they are not alone in their journey.

http://fisherfuneralchapel.com/memorials/memorials.php/dID/965841

My husband and I remember our little angel Danny who was born/died 20 years ago on Nov. 22nd so are hearts are particularly touched by Kaylee and the all the Beyond Indigo angels. 

Thanks for your help,

Dawn Fisher

Beyond Indigo

[cameronsmom1]

Thank you so much, I will be sure to take a look at the website. You are such a thoughtful person and i'm really glad I found this page!

[reniena]

Still so sad. Three babies and three years. My baby boy, Gary, died when he was 14 weeks old. It still hurts like hell. Can't find anyone to talk to. I've had 3 babies since he died. All wonderful happy babies, I still miss HIM. I can't stand it anymore, but there's no getting away from it. How do I get it out? I'm going to explode!

[cameronsmom1]

The best advice I can give you is to talk about it and you are in the perfect place. You don't have to worry about people judging you and wondering why your not over it. We understand here and we know that there is no getting over it. It will always be here. I'm so sorry you are having a hard time and hope that you are able to write and tell your story over and over again.

Amanda

[melcal69]

Hello Reniena

I understand how you are feeling, losing a baby is 1 of the worst things a mum and dad has to deal with. It seems like there is no tomorrow when it happens and for me well it's only been the last 4 years that I have started living again, I think Mathew would have wanted that. I had a miscarage 2 more kids after losing Mathew in 2001 but I also had 3 others before  Mathew. Sids & Kids was and is still a great help at times, like here. I have found the hurt is still there but over the years it dose seem to dull untill there is birthdays, easter, christmas, talking of christmas it is only a few weeks away so yeah not a good time coming up.Talk about it if it helps you people will understand in time.

Mell

[reniena]

Today I seem to be doing better. Some days are so hard. I still have flashbacks about that. He was such a loved baby. His birth made the front cover of the newspaper because he was the New Year's baby. He was my first son and my husband's first child. When he died it broke something inside of me. We lived in a wonderful community that really pulled together for me. Gary's coffin was handmade out of cherrywood. It had a picture of his hand holding his daddy's hand carved into it along with a poem my mother wrote and the scripture Matthew 19 14. Two months after he died we visited him only to find a newborn fawn on his grave. That made the newspaper too. Our community raised over 2000 dollars for the funeral. Our bill ended up being 7.14! He was the town's baby and everyone loved him. No one could have loved him as much as I did though and the loss seems to eat me alive at times. I'm so glad I found this place. And I'm so sorry that I'm not the only one here.

[cameronsmom1]

It's good to hear you are doing better. It is definitely a long hard road. Wow the new years baby! I hope it gives you comfort to know how much your child was loved and how many people cared for him. I'm sure he got to experience a wonderful life while he was here. Cherish all the memories. It seems like you have a great support system there in your town. The whole town experienced that loss with you. The pain is so much different for a mother though so my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for the reason you have been lead to this site but and glad you found it. You will be in my thoughts.

Amanda

www.myspace.com/dedicatedtoourangelbabies

[reniena]

Thank god for the kids I have left.

[calebsmommy]

Hey everyone, this is Shandi again. Today has been one of my worst days so far. It's been a month since my little Caleb passed away. For those who doesn't know. Caleb was born with CDH (Congential Diaphragmatic Hernia)

WHAT IS CONGENITAL DIAPHRAGMATIC HERIA?

A CONGENITAL DIAPHRAGMATIC HERNIA (COMMONLY KNOWN AS CDH) IS AN OPENING IN DIAPHRAGM (THE DOME-SHAPED MUSCLE THAT SEPARATES THE CHEST CAVITY FROM THE ABDOMEN.) THE HOLE ALLOWS THE ABDOMINAL ORGANS TO PUSH INTO THE CHEST CAVITY. CDH IS A LIFE-THREATENING BIRTH DEFECT BECAUSE IT LIMITS THE GROWTH OF THE HEART AND LUNGS.

 

FACTS ABOUT CONGENITAL DIAPHRAGMATIC HERNIA:

1)CDH OCCURS IN EVERY 1-2000 LIVE BIRTHS IN THE U.S.

2)CDH ACCOUNTS FOR 8% OF ALL MAJOR CONGENITAL ANOMALIES.

3)APPROXIMATELY 1800 BABIES ARE BORN EACH YEAR WITH CDH.

4)APPROXIMATELY 50% OF ALL BABIES BORN WITH CDH DIE.

5)CDH HAPPENS JUST AS OFTEN AS SPINA BIFIDA AND CYSTIC  FIBROSIS YET MANY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF CDH.

6)AFTER HAVING A BABY WITH CDH THE CHANCES OF THEIR SIBLING BEING DIAGNOSED WITH CDH IS 2%. MARCH 31ST IS CONGENITAL DIAPHRAGMATIC HERNIA AWARENESS DAY.

According to statistics, there is a baby born with CDH every ten minutes worldwide.

I miss my Caleb so much. There are days I feel like I can't go on. This is the worst pain I've ever been through. My heart has been broken into a million pieces. I want so bad to just hold him one more time. I feel so empty without him. I went to the cemetery today and talked to him and cried for a good hour in the rain. I'm suppose to go back to work Monday. But how do I go back to work, just go and pretend everything is okay, that I didn't just lose my baby? I guess I should get back to some kind of normalcy, but what is normal. Nothing is normal anymore, I have been changed forever. I'll never be the person I once was. And I feel guilty for so many things. We are wanting to try to get pregnant once I'm able. But, I feel so guilty for that too. I feel like I would be dishonoring Caleb's memory. My sister-in-law sent a picture to babyangelpics.com they restore photos. They take off all of the tapes and tubes. They did an amazing job. He looks so perfect. Well I guess I'm going to go pray, cry and then go to bed. Mommy and Daddy love you Caleb.

 

[reniena]

I am so very sorry about your loss. The guilt is normal. 3 years after my son passed away, I still feel guilty. I've had 3 kids since then. They don't replace the one you've lost. They add to your heart. Take it one day at a time and remember that people care very much. You have my thoughts and prayers as I remember how the first year went for me.

[shorty16]

Calebs Mom

Going back to work is a blessing in disquise.  Do not pretend nothing happened, because it did.  I went back to work one month after Brian was killed and I starred at my computer screen and got only about 1 hour of work done all day.  But as the time goes on that 1 hour turned to 2, then 3. 

Your brain is re-wiring itself.  I honestly believe that. Working and trying to concentrate will only help.  My experience was after about the 4.5 month mark, I had a somewhat clear thought process and could actually complete a task.  I am still on medical leave, working only 4 days a week.  My case is a bit different in that the court system is involved and we relive the accident and see the accussed face and it brings us back to square one.

Your son is a part of you forever.  If your co-workers cannot handle you crying at your desk, that is their problem, not yours.  I still cry almost on a daily basis and my co-workers are very understanding about that.  I have to cry, I cry for what could-have been.

Be kind to yourself. - Take one minute at a time.  If you cry, that is ok. 

Thinking of you

Colleen  Brian's Mother Forever

 

[cameronsmom1]

I saw this and found it very inspiring and hope you do too.

Since heaven has become your home

I sometimes feel I'm so alone;

And though we now are far apart

You hold a big piece of my heart

I never knew how much I'd grieve

When it was time for you to leave

Or just how much my heart would ache

From that one fragment you would take

God lets this tender hole remain,

reminding me we'll meet again,

and one day all the pain will cease

When He restores this missing piece

He'll turn to joy my every tear

with thoughts of you I hold so dear,

and they'll become my special way

to treasure our Reunion Day.

[Kelly]

Guess who is traveling the farthest to our reunion?

It's Trudi.

Trudi is traveling all the way from Australia to Minneapolis, MN for our Beyond Indigo reunion in August!

If Trudi can make it, so can you! 

Come check our reunion page: http://www.beyondindigo.com/reunion/

Hope to see you there!

[Kelly]

The family and friends of Beyond Indigo would like let everyone know that Dawn Fisher (moderator of the Beyond Indigo message boards) lost her husband on Wednesday morning.  JD's death was an unexpected complication of surgery to remove a tumor.  Our most heartfelt condolences go out to Dawn and her children.  We know that there is no better place for Dawn to receive support than through these boards.

The online obituary for JD is here: http://fisherfamilyfuneralhomes.com/obits/obituaries.php/obitID/307941

If you'd like to send her condolences, you could send her a private message on the boards, visit the above obituary and sign the guest book (starting on Friday) or send materials to

Fisher Funeral Chapel & Cremation Services

1801 Chase Road

Logansport, IN 46947

[nannon]

Hello my name is Shannon & I am relatively new. I lost my two and half month old son, Gabriel, just one month ago. Betsy saw me on another board & recommended I come here. I've been reading the boards, there are many parents, many stories, and many children. As I've read I've noticed many parents comment on the pain not stopping and it creeping back on them. This seems unimaginable to me. I know how much I hurt right now & can't bear the thought that 5, 10, or more years down the road I will still be in this hell. I am getting "flashes" where I swear I can still feel him in my arms or feel the way he snuggled into my chest. Please help me understand, does the intense pain last forever???

[mikesmomrs]

Shannon:  I am so very sorry over the loss of your sweet baby, Gabriel; my heart aches for you.  Thank you for sharing his picture with us--he is truly beautiful.  I can't tell you Shannon that this pain will leave you, that you will never feel it again, piercing your heart, darkening your days, but I can say that over time the intense sharpness of it, that feeling that sucks your breath out of you, will soften...you have taken the first step toward that time...the memories of your sweet baby will live in your heart forever, and you will emerge from your intense sorrow a different person, but you will emerge, Shannon, and you will live your days in honor of your child...you will experience setbacks, but you will be stronger with each day, over time you will find yourself using that strength to pull you back out of that pit of pain...we all here have been there, are there still at times, and we reach out for help, and also we send out help when we are stronger. 

I can certainly understand how you can have these "flashes" of feeling Gabriel in your arms again...he was part of you, part of your heart, part of your life...I am so sorry that you are going through this...you have come to the right place...we here at BI offer comfort and strength to each other...when one is up, they provide hope to another, when that person is down again, another steps in with words of comfort and true understanding of your pain.  The understanding and comfort offered here is what we all come here for, and we get it from each other. 

I lost my only son, Mike, on October 14, 2006, from brain cancer.  He was 31 at the time, leaving behind his wife and 3 boys, at the time 10, 9 and almost 2.  Coming to this site, accepting the support and understanding that is offered here, has helped me to keep my sanity, helped me to reach those days of "softening" of my pain, and help me when those days seem far away again...

Even though your baby was so young, you are welcome to join us on the "Adult child" board...we have some whose children were not "adults" when they passed from us...and yet they are welcomed and are able to find the comfort that they need...sharing their sorrow and sharing their journey with each other, and when the time comes, sharing those moments of joy when they begin to feel again, and those sweet memories help them to reach out and share those moments of joy.  We all truly understand what you are going through...this is a journey none of us wished to take, but we are all glad that we are taking it together. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

Hey Shannon - Like you when I first came here I read others who were 5+yrs into this journey who still spoke of being hit without warning by the 'pain' of not having their child with them.  The pain was so intense in the first months that to think of it continuing was unbearable.

I also read that it softened, found its place.  My Mike like Carols was 31 and left behind a daughter.  For me he was my baby boy and yes, I still wake some days wondering if he called or what he's doing....then the reality hits.  Thats when, depending on the day I am okay or hit the wall.

Being here has helped me through those days.  I was told here that the depth of pain we feel on losing our babies is a measure of the love we have for them...I believe that with all my heart.

I understand your feeling like you are still holding Gabriel....in ways you won't ever let him go.....none of us will.....

I hope you find some comfort here, pls if you are able and willing share your babies story with us here.....we are all parents who have lost a child, be it infant to adult...

Take Care - Trudi

[shorty16]

Shannon

We should probably clarify.  The pain you feel now is intense, peircing.  For months, I could not even breath normally.  For the first month after Brian's death, I could not leave the house.  Panic attacks.  Terrible forgetfulness, uncontrollable crying - that will lessen over time.  Please, in order to heal, you must walk through this pain of grief, let the fire burn you and you will heal.  You will be a different person, but you will heal.

The missing is always there.  My son was 16.  I had 16 wonderful years with him - No more and that hurts.

I miss Brian all the time, but I have come to accept the fact that he is not coming home and that is what finally allowed the horrible pain to go away.  Also knowing that the physical and mental aspects of grief are normal - I am not going crazy.

We are here for you - no matter the age of your child, no matter the cause of death - we are hear.