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Why did he have to go


Transcendinglights

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Transcendinglights

I'll never forget the call I received on June 24th 2016, about my half brother's unexpected death. His mother called me with the dreaded news and it ran me over like a train, making my knees weak. The police had found him in his van, stiff. The cause of death was a heroin overdose. He was only 26. His mother thinks the OD was intentional, but I'll never know the answer. The depths of turmoil are unmeasurable, and vast. I feel as though I'm free falling and that there is no end in my emotional grief. So much confusion, chaos and uncesing despair. I had heard he was doing well, he had supposably cleaned up and was doing well. Everyone thought that. But for some reason I can't explain why, but I was pretty concerned for months. My sister and my mom thought I was being crazy  by how often I brought up how worried I was about him. The last time I had talked on the phone with him was in April, a month before his passing. I had not spoken to him on the phone or have seen him in years. (We had stayed in subtle contact by commenting occasionally on each other's social media posts.) He called saying he wanted to come down and visit, saying he'd meet up with me around noon the next day. I was extremely thrilled. When the next day arrived, I had not heard from him. I called a couple times, texted, even Facebook messaged him, he never replied.  He flaked on me with no explanation. So I was hurt and irritated. I didn't make any efforts to contact him again and he didn't make any either. 

And just like that he's gone. I have many many regrets. I am eaten alive with so much guilt and remorse, I wish I had reached out more to him, and had a bigger connection to him. His disease isolated him from his loved ones. It has plagued him for years, and he fought it daily. The idea of him dying alone thinking no one cared about him sends me into a weeping spiral. I can't sleep without sobbing, I'm overwhelmed with daily tasks, one moment I'm fine but all of a sudden my emotions rapidly change and I don't know where they're going to land: either I'm weeping or going into a colossal rage.  I feel like I'm going insane, and all I want is my big brother to be here. My birthday was 2 days ago, first birthday with him absent. So strange and painful it was. I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm so emotional drained by life in general 

 

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remembergoodtimes

I'm sorry you lost your brother buddy. I lost mine july 29 2016 from a heroine overdose. Me and my mom found him and it was the most horrifying and most difficult experience i have ever been through. I also find myself wishing that I had reached out to my brother more before this happened and maybe things could have been different. But in reality there is little that me or you could have to save our brothers. My brother was living in the same house as me at the time it happened right across the hall and the first few weeks i kept beating myself up for not checking on him more often. Once people get on heroine it turns them into a completely different person. Try and remember the times you had with your brother that you enjoyed and cherish those. I know its hard but try not to beat yourself with hypothetical situations of how you could have saved him. Your brother was battling an addiction that is nearly impossible to overcome. I can tell you two things that hopefully make you feel better. 1. Your brother isn't having to go through hell anymore battling his addiction he can finally be in peace. 2. I know my brother would want me to be strong and continue on to do great things and live a happy life after he passed. I'm sure your brother would want you to be happy as well. It is a lot easier said than done I know. I hope this makes you feel a little bit better and lmk if you ever need someone to talk to if your going through a rough time. 

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So sorry for both of your losses.  My brother passed 5 months ago from a fentanyl overdose and time really hasn't helped at all. If either of you need someone to talk to privately let me know because i know i do.

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Transcendinglights

I'm so sorry for both of you guys' losses. Nothing hurts more than loosing a loved one to addiction. I've battled my own substance disorder and today I'm successfully sober. Getting sober isn't easy for anyone. Yes, at least they aren't in pain anymore. But still, it's so terrible that they're no longer in our lives physically. But they'll always live in our hearts. In our brothers memory, let's try to live our lives to the fullest. If you guys need to speak with me you're welcome to message me anytime

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remembergoodtimes

I have not seen the toxicology report yet for my brother but I am pretty sure it was fentanyl. That stuff is truly becoming an epidemic in our society. Last week i heard about a town up north that had 218 overdoses within a few days. Something that is 100 times stronger than heroine should not be available to the public, Unfortunately it makes its way out there somehow.. Its been a little over a month now and I am back at work and doing a lot better but there are just so many reminders. My mom called me today at work and said that my brother had listed me as his beneficiary for his 401k and I just lost it for about 30 minutes after that.. I dont care about the money at all its just the fact that my brother cared so much about me. It wasn't the most social person in the world but he had friends. But i dont think anyone else really knew my brother like i do. i spent a lot of time with him growing up and then i practically lived at his house before everything started to go downhill. a couple of years ago. No one else could make me laugh like he did our sense of humors were borderline identical. It kind of feels like a little part of me is gone which i guess it is he had such a large influence on everything I did growing up. However I am not gonna let that keep me from being a happy person because i know all my brother wanted for me was to be happy and live up to my potential. lostinadream if you wanna talk sometime i would like that because I would like to talk to someone about but I think reaching out to other people who have experienced this same kind of tradgedy is really helpful.

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