Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

42 Years together, now he's gone


hdpartsman0032

Recommended Posts

  • Members
hdpartsman0032

After a 7 year battle with Non-Hodgkins Follicular Lymphoma, my husband of 42 years was taken.  He didn't want to go ... he had too much yet to do; we had dreams of retirement.  We were so close to retiring, just didn't quite make it.  We got married as soon as we graduated high school, so we grew up together.  We were a team ... peanut butter and jelly ... each other's best friend.  My life revolved around his.  He was an amazing man and always took care of me .... spoiled me actually.  Not with gifts of jewelry or nights out, but by a tiny purple field flower sitting on the counter in the morning, washing my car and taking care of the house and property.  I was/am so proud of the way he took care of all the things we both worked so hard for during our lives.  And now, my man, my rock, my keeper was taken.  I still can't grasp that he won't EVER come back.  Half of me knows full well that he died.  The other half expects to see his truck coming up the driveway after work.  It's too painful to actually concede that he won't be home one day when I get off of work and say ..."well .. it's been 3 months ... How'd ya do without me ??"  as if this is some sort of trial.  I don't know who I am, or who I'm supposed to be.  How do I recreate myself, and do I even want to .... I loved being his sidekick ... always under his arm or holding his 2 fingers while walking.  Only 2 fingers,  because his hand was so big I couldn't hold on to much more.  I look around at our property and the house and am immediately overwhelmed by the massive job that awaits me.  He was always washing, fixing, cleaning, pruning, mowing .... How can I even begin to assume that role.  How can I do that and the chores that I normally did inside the house.  "Sell the House" people have told me.  He built the house.  As long as I have the house I have a part of him.  It's all too much to even begin to sort out.  I'm so completely damaged and broken that I don't know where to start putting my life together again.  And what kind of life will it be without him???  Are my next 30 years going to be like this??  This totally sucks .... and I hate this more than I have ever ... EVER hated anything in my life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am so sorry HD. I understand your pain. I lost my husband of 39 years in 2009 after a battle of 20 years with kidney cancer and then lung cancer. And he did not want to go either, he fought it to the bitter end. I do understand your pain, your sense that there is nothing left.  I too kept our house because it was an important part of our lives and he loved it.  I understand your despair of the future without him, I too have felt the same way. He cannot be replaced, and perhaps that is rightfully so. But please be assured that you will endure and survive the devastation that I am sure you feel right now. It took me five long years (and I know for others it has taken less and for some of us  longer) but I do know your husband would want you not only to survive, but also to thrive. It may seem almost an impossible task now, but slowly you will be able to get your own life back. It will certainly be different, but it can be a good life, a worthwhile life, and eventually a happy life. Your best memories will remain, but the pain will lessen and your joy in the times you have had with him will become precious memories. Please do not despair, you will get though this, unlikely as it may seem. Grit your teeth, set your priorities, ensure your financial well-being as best you can. (Remember, less people in the house means less  housework!)

You don't need to re-create yourself, you just need to remember that you were always a wonderful worthwhile person,and that you remain so. You are, and always have been your own keeper and although it may be difficult, after having a helpmeet for so long, you are still the capable woman you always were, and you will not only survive but also thrive. There are many thins that you could start with but I cannot give you suggestions as I do not know you, but can only suggest that you look into yourself and decide who you are and what you would be happy doing/. Is it volunteering? Is it meeting new people? Is it spending more time with family? Is it travelling? Is it joining a support group for widows? Is it learning something new and taking courses? I of course do not know, but do think of what you can and could have done if you had been on your own before this time, or even during the time you were married but had other priorities at the time.

My heart goes out to you, and I can only hope that you will get through the totally tough times that follow your loss and that you will find a path that makes you truly happy again. I assure you, you will not forget the wonderful times you have had, but there are also good times in your future. My very best to you, I am thinking of you and hope that you will be strong and will get through this most difficult time and come out of it stronger.

My best to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I am so sorry!  Whether we see it coming or not, loss is so hard, nothing can prepare us for it.  Try not to think of the rest of your life, try to stay in today...one day at a time.  To take on any more can be overwhelming.  I'm glad I don't know the future.  The only one I do know is my belief that we'll be together again in some way shape or form.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.