Members Jeff In Denver Posted August 26, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 26, 2016 I am always hearing that from well-meaning friends and family members. "Just remember the good times you had with her." Maybe it's just me, but I don't find that helpful at all. It actually makes me feel worse if I actually try to do that. It makes me remember how much I miss her, what I have lost, and how much I want those times again - but can't have them. Maybe remembering the bad times would help when the pain is really bad. Again, this could be just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marty2121 Posted August 26, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 26, 2016 no, its not just you. I feel the exact same way. Sure i'll chuckle at something he had said, or done, only to come back to the realization that I will NEVER witness any of that again. So no Jeff....it's not just you. Peace, Marty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 26, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted August 26, 2016 I think it takes much time to come to the place where memories are comforting, that certainly was not the case for me in the early days/months, memories brought pain then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted August 27, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 27, 2016 Phrases like that are another manifestation of people's ignorance to our situation. Yes, we had some wonderful time with our loved ones, and eventually we will be able to look at that in a differently. One day it won't hurt so badly to remember. In the meantime, we have to deal with the fact that those are all the good memories we will ever have with that person. Everything we have is all that will ever be... It's a difficult realization to come to. Their words hurt, but I would encourage you to try and see the attempt they are making. They care enough to say something, but often don't know what to do about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff In Denver Posted August 27, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted August 27, 2016 Thanks, everyone. I understand that people's intentions ARE good when they say these kinds of things. They really aren't trying to be mean or nasty. Heck, I would have said the same thing before. This is just an observation from being on this side of the nightmare... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Millie681 Posted August 28, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2016 On August 26, 2016 at 11:29 AM, Jeff In Denver said: I am always hearing that from well-meaning friends and family members. "Just remember the good times you had with her." Maybe it's just me, but I don't find that helpful at all. It actually makes me feel worse if I actually try to do that. It makes me remember how much I miss her, what I have lost, and how much I want those times again - but can't have them. Maybe remembering the bad times would help when the pain is really bad. Again, this could be just me. No Jeff it's not just you. I think people mean well & they just don't know what else to say. I've also had the opposite where a friend of mine said remember that all times with Paul weren't great. I appreciated the fact that she didn't want me to make him into an angel & maybe she thought if I remembered the tough times it would hurt less but either way it hurts. People try & if they haven't been through this they don't get how their words affect us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members velvettuberose Posted August 30, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 30, 2016 On 8/26/2016 at 3:14 PM, KayC said: I think it takes much time to come to the place where memories are comforting, that certainly was not the case for me in the early days/months, memories brought pain then. I agree with you, Kay. When I remember the good times that Walter and I had, it makes it worse because I want Walter back. I am not trying to romanticize him. Our marriage was messy at times, but still it was a good one and I miss him so much. Some people don't know what to say. They really don't and come across as insensitive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sandy12 Posted September 4, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 4, 2016 I feel this way.. My boyfriend family did a "celebration of his life".. I did not go. I have nothinh to celebrate. I dont want to remember him .. It hurts. I am angry at him for taking his life. I feel like the good times in my memory fade and all i can remember is the moment I found him dead in my garage. I been doing self care stuff. I will start running today.. I just don't feel like I want to remember. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 5, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted September 5, 2016 There isn't a way to circumvent grief, painful as it is, there is only one way and that's straight through it. Sometimes it helps to compartmentalize a bit so that we only eke out what we can handle, little by little. I think under the circumstances it's going to be essential to see a grief counselor...death by suicide is pretty difficult to handle on your own, it's way too complicated and plain grief is hard enough to deal with. Self care is an important step so I'm glad you've started with that. I do understand not feeling there's anything to celebrate. We all handle our grief differently and I hope his family understands, this is just difficult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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