My Mom.

[Ghosylyy]

I found out in February that my mom had stage 4 lung cancer. She died April 16, 2016.

We didn't have the best relationship but not the worst either. It was much better as I got older, but we still had our issues.

I'm 28 and she was 49. 

I feel so much guilt and fear. I wasn't there much those two months she was ill. She went downhill so fast and I was so terrified, I couldn't bring myself to see her as much as I now wish I had. I didn't tell her the things I needed to and Now that she's gone, I am all alone.

I have a boyfriend, but he and I aren't close enough on that level for me to open up to him. I don't trust him enough and my dad is around, but busy with his new life and we don't have that kind of relationship where we talk like that... 

My mom was the only person in my life that truly loved me. I can see that now, because she forgave me even when I didn't deserve it. On Christmas, so soon before we found out she was sick, we got into a fight about a gift card and I screamed at her.... I screamed at her. Its all I can think about. 

She died when I was about to leave to go up to the hospital. I'd been there the day before, but by then she was already unconscious and we knew she would pass soon. I just told her that i loved her and i was sorry for being a shitty daughter and that she could let go.

So I didn't see her until the funeral after that. I can't forgive myself for being so terrible to her all my life. Even on Christmas, fighting and being so mean to her, not knowing she was dying at that time...

I have no support system. I feel miserable. Its been a few months, but I can't breathe I'm crying so hard through this post. I have no friends. I have no one. I feel so alone and to be honest, I've wondered if I'd be better off just going to be with my mom at this point. 

Sorry I wrote a book. Thanks for reading.

 

[Lisa k]

Ghosylyy,sorry for your loss. My mum also died from lung cancer a year ago. I took care of her for nine months and gave her her wish to die at home. It was the most heartbreaking thing to ever witness. She was 66yrs old, too young to leave us so soon.

Don't beat yourself up, we all have regrets, this grief is punishment enough. The day before my mum died I went ballistic at her and told her I couldn't cope anymore. This was like 4am in the morning and she said to me it's time to die. I screamed even more at her that I didn't want her to die. I feel guilt also but this grief is hell enough. I'm 42 and have no friends either ,jo partner, kid's, or a father. All I have is my schizophrenic brother who lives with me in our family home. I understand the feeling of being alone.Most days I wish I could join her, i miss her so much. 

Pleaee come back and post or join us on the daily thread at the top of the forum. We mostly post there and everyone is very supportive and non judging. 

Big hug

Lisa

 

[JuneR]

My mom died a few days ago unexpectedly but had a disability that was getting worse every year. I am also filled with regret because I had a hard time spending time with her because it made me sad to see her struggle and be unhappy. I saw her two weeks ago but didn't visit as long as I could have. I then did not answer the phone twice. I know she wouldn't want me to feel guilty though and that does help. I also know I was just trying to strike a balance between staying positive and independent and making her happy. I think regret is normal but it sure adds to the pain and it's hard not to go down the path of endless what ifs and should haves.