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Tears in Heaven

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Tears in Heaven

Hello, I'm not sure where to start. I just recently (almost 3 wks) ago lost my fiancé, the love of my life. I feel so alone, lost and consumed with grief, like a rain cloud that continuously follows me around. I'm not sure where to start but I stumbled on this page, any help would be greatly appreciated. 

 

Thanks, D 

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Hey there Tears in Heaven

Thankyou for posting in this Forum.
I wish, I knew what to say, but know that Folks in here will be here to respond.
There is a Chat function on this Website, if you feel desperate.

My inbox and many Folks inboxes are open.
I always try and switch on Notifications on this Forum.

 

Take Care

Ritchie

 

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claribassist13

Tears in Heaven, 

I am so sorry for you loss. I know that you are hearing a lot of it lately, but I have yet to find a better acknowledgement. 
I can relate to how you are currently feeling. I lost my fiance almost 8 months ago. 

Unfortunately, you are only in the beginning of this. You are going to feel a lot worse and a lot more as time passes. Right now you are likely still in shock/doubt over what happened. Once that begins to pass a bit, many other emotions will come rushing to the surface. 
The best thing you are do for yourself right now is to establish a strong support group. You are going to need someone to talk to. I recommend also starting a journal, for those moments when you don't feel like you can talk to someone. If you have not already, look into seeing a grief counselor. A grief counselor will be an unbiased person to talk to and can also provide you with coping methods in order to prevent yourself from falling too far into a depression. 

Allow yourself to feel what comes. 

Feel free to reach out to any of us here. We are all willing to listen if nothing else.  

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Tears in Heaven

Thank you both for replying, I'm not sure where to start. My fiancé was a recovering addict, and although reports haven't came back yet, I'm sure it was an overdose. There is a certain stigma that goes along with addiction, so it just makes it that much more difficult to deal with/talk about. There is so much more that goes along with addiction, it's a disease. I've already experienced every emotion imaginable. I have tremendous survivors guilt, guilt for not knowing/getting him the help he desperately needed, along with anger, and constantly consumed with sadness. He was a wonderful man with a tender heart, now I'm left with an unbearable emptiness. I've got my first appointment with a grief counselor tomorrow to try & help me put things into better perspective. 

Again thank you both for reaching out to me, as terrible as it seems, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this journey. 

 

Deanna

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Hi Tears in Heaven

It's really good news that you have Grief counselling tomorrow, and that is a Major step forward to be honest.
There is nothing you can say that will shock most of the Folks in here.
The world dosn't understand, or generally care, but you will find many that will care to a passion.

The thing is to take each second at a time, and seconds become minutes.
Touch base with Folks here, as often as you feel you need and talk about how you're day went.

I often work nights, but try and make a point of responding.

Be Safe

Ritchie

 

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I'm only 5 weeks into this myself but know that if you need to vent, rant or just talk simply throw a message out here and I'll respond. I often find myself just trying to get through the next 10 minutes. Don't beat yourself up with the guilt, I wasn't able to save my wife and its been tearing me apart but I'm starting to understand that there was nothing more I could do. Its not getting better, but it's becoming bearable. You're not alone, we all walk this road together. 

 

Kevin

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Tears in Heaven

BigKev, 

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your wife. Life is so unpredictable and often times unfair. I've learned to divide my day into 5 minute intervals, and sometimes that's too much. It seems like every ounce of strength I have has been ripped from me. Its exhausting when you can't turn the volume down on your thoughts. Baby steps, just taking baby steps. 

Deanna 

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Hi Tears in heaven, and all the rest of you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my boyfriend exactly a month ago today. It was sudden and I wasn't there when it happened, I found him later when I got home. I can relate to what you are feeling, the guilt, the emptiness, the constant sadness and the hopelessness. I'm sorry that I don't really have any comforting or encouraging words to give you, just want to let you know you are not alone.

 

Karin

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Tears in heaven,

I am so sorry you lost your fiance, it is the hardest thing any of us can go through, from my experience.  Keep posting here and reading, it all helps.  Have you seen a grief counselor?

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Tears in Heaven

Hello Karin & Kay, 

Just like the both of you, I'm so sorry about your losses as well. This is definitely a group that none of us really want to be a part of. 

I went to my first grief counseling appointment today, and I can honestly say I won't go back. I went into it optimistic but left empty handed. It was a complete waste of $160. She literally told me everything I already knew, "there are different stages of grief and everyone grieves differently". Then she asked me what I hoped to gain from counseling, I told her that I didn't know where to start but was trying to start somewhere. Anyways, I'm not trying to turn anyone against it, but it just isn't for me. I was wondering if there were any books that anyone might could recommend? 

Again, I thank you all for the support! 

 

Deanna 

 

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Here is a list of grief books recommended by readers over the years:

1. Surviving the Death of Your Spouse: A Step-by-Step Workbook, by Deborah S. Levinson

2. Caregiving, by Beth Witrogen McLeod

3. Grief's Courageous Journey: A Workbook, by Sandi Caplan and Gordon Lang

4. Life after Loss: A Practical Guide, by Bob Deits

5. Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul, by Jack Canfield and Mark Hanson

6. Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life, by Jon Kabat-Zinn

7. Unattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart, by Stephen Levine

8. Surviving Grief and Learning to Live Again, by Catherine M. Saunders

9. The Mourning Handbook, by Helen Fitzgerald

10. Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas, by Alan D. Wolfelt

11. Life Lessons, by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler

12. How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies , by Therese A. Rando (recommended by Cheryl)

13. A Year to Live: How to Live This Year As If It Were Your Last, by Stephen Levine

14. Letting Go With Love: The Grieving Process, by Nancy O'Connor

15. The Dying Time: Practical Wisdom for the Dying and Their Caregivers, by Joan Furman and David McNabb

16. Companion Through the Darkness: Inner Dialogues on Grief , by Stephanie Ericsson (recommended by Boo)

17. Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life: A Practical Guide, by Jill Brooke

18. A Time to Grieve: Meditations for Healing, by Carol Staudacher (recommended by Cheryl)

19. Too Soon Old Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now, by Gordon Livingston

20. The Art of Forgiveness, Loving Kindness, and Peace, by Jack Kornfield

21. Grieving Mindfully: A Compassionate and Spiritual Guide to Coping with Loss, by Sameet M. Kumar

22. When your Spouse Dies, by Cathleen L. Curry

23. Five Good Minutes: 100 Morning Practices to Help You Stay Calm and Focused All Day Long, by Jeffrey Brantley and Wendy Millstine

24. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working through Grief, by Martha W. Hickman

25. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, by Eckhart Tolle

26. Gay Widowers: Life After the Death of a Partner, by Michael Shernoff (Editor)

27. A Journey Through Grief: Gentle, Specific Help, by Alla Renee Bozarth

28. When Bad Things Happen to Good People, by Harold S. Kushner

29. The Grief Recovery Handbook, by John W. James and Russell Friedman

30. Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief, by Pauline Boss

31. The Precious Present, by Spencer Johnson

32. Life After Loss: Conquering Grief and Finding Hope, by Raymond A. Moody, Jr. and Dianne Arcangel

33. Writing to Heal the Soul: Transforming Grief and Loss Through Writing, by Susan Zimmerman

34. Stillness Speaks, by Eckhart Tolle

35. In Lieu of Flowers: A Conversation for the Living, by Nancy Cobb

36. The Other Side and Back: A Psychic's Guide to Our World and Beyond, by Sylvia Browne

37. Blessings from the Other Side: Wisdom and Comfort from the Afterlife for This Life, by Sylvia Browne

38. Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, by Karen Casey

39. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, by Sogyal Rinpoche

40. Seven Choices: Finding Hope after Loss Shatters Your World , by Elizabeth Harper Neeld (recommended by Paul S)

41. Grieving the Death of a Mother, by Harold Ivan Smith (recommended by Paul S and ashleybatt)

42. I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can, by Linda Sones Feinberg (recommended by dpodesta and Rochel)

43. Sibling Grief: Healing after the Death of a Sister or Brother, by P. Gill White (recommended by Kerry)

44. Hello from Heaven, by Bill & Judy Guggenheim (recommended by LoriKelly)

45. Good Grief: Healing Through the Shadow of Loss, by Deborah Morris Coryell (recommended by Chai)

46. Grace for Grief: Daily Comfort for Those Who Mourn, by Michael and Brenda Pink (recommended by Kath)

47. Angel Catcher,by Kathy Eldon and Amy Eldon Turteltaub, recommended by Carole

48. The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion, recommended by NotCoping

49. When Parents Die, by Rebecca Abrams (recommended by Rachael)

50. The Healing Power of Love: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to a New Love, by Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stoltzman (recommended by MartyT)

51. Loss and Found: How We Survived the Loss of a Young Spouse, by Gary and Kathy Young (recommended by MartyT)

52. Books by John Edward (recommended by Leeann)

53. Talking to Heaven: A Medium's Message of Life After Death, by James Van Praagh (recommended by Leeann)

54. Ghosts Among Us: Uncovering the Truth About the Other Side, by James Van Praagh (recommended by Leeann

55. Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, by Hope Edelman (recommended by Sherr, Cubby and BellaRosa)

56. Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children, by Doris Stickney (recommended by Boo Mayhew)

57. A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss, by Jerry Sittser (recommended by Boo Mayhew)

58. No Time For Goodbyes: Coping with Sorrow, Anger, and Injustice After a Tragic Death, by Janice Harris Lord (recommended by MartyT)

59. Life after Death: The Burden of Proof, by Deepak Chopra (recommended by Kavish)

60. Grace for Grief, by Michael and Brenda Pink (recommended by Kath)

61. Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Accepting Life's Adversities by Elizabeth Edwards (recommended by Sharon3)

62. Life After Death: The Burden of Proof by Deepak Chopra (recommended by Kavish)

63. Getting to The Other Side of Grief: Overcoming The Loss of A Spouse by Susan Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. DeVries (recommended by tjwbrown)

64. I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing after the Sudden Death of a Loved One by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, PhD (recommended by slinkybink)

65. Widow to Widow by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg (recommended by Sal and by Marg)

66. The Grief Club by Melody Beattie (recommended by Tracy)

67. Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year (recommended by Tracy and by Brad)

68. When GOD Winks: How the Power of Coincidence Guides Your Life by Squire Rushnell (recommended by Carol Ann)

69. Now: Overcoming Crushing Grief by Living in the Present by Jack Cain (recommended by MartyT)

70. Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Parent Dies, by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD (recommended by Anthony)

71. Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hahn (recommended by Carol Ann)

72. 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper (recommended by NancyL and by NATS)

73. Evidence of the Afterlife: The Science of Near Death Experiences by Jeffrey Long, MD (recommended by Melina)

74. My Glimpse of Eternity by Betty Malz (recommended by KayC)

75. Conversations with the Other Side by Sylvia Browne (recommended by grace10)

76. Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart by Alan D. Wolfelt (recommended by Anthony)

77. How to Survive Your Grief When Someone You Love Has Died by Susan Fuller (recommended by Niamh)

78. Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World by Elizabeth Harper Neeld (recommended by Boo)

79. Passages in Caregiving: Turning Chaos into Confidence by Gail Sheehy (recommended by Steve)

80. Sacred Grief by Leslee Tessmann (recommended by mfh)

81. The Shack by Wm. Paul Young (recommended by suzie816)

82. Facing the Ultimate Loss: Confronting the Death of a Child by Robert J. Marx and Susan Wengerhoff Davidson (recommended by Carol Ann)

83. The Ultimate Loss: Coping with the Death of a Child by Joan Bordow (recommended by Nicholas)

84. Two Kisses for Maddy: A Memoir of Loss & Love by Matthew Logelin (recommended by MartyT)

85. A Widow's Story: A Memoir by Joyce Carol Oates (recommended by Carol Ann)

86. Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamieson (recommended by Nicholas)

87. Love Never Ends by Connie Martin and Barry Dundas (recommended by Becky)

88. A Tearful Celebration by Dr. James Means (recommended by Pat)

89. Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear and Despair by Miriam Greenspan (recommended by MartyT)

90. The Color of Rain by Michael and Gina Spehn (recommended by Steve)

91. Ask George Anderson: What Souls in the Hereafter Can Teach Us About Life by George Anderson (recommended by Mary)

92. Waking Up: Climbing Through the Darkness by Terry Wise (recommended by MartyT)

93. Loving from the Outside In, Mourning from the Inside Out by Alan D. Wolfelt (recommended by Anne)

94. Levels of Life by Julian Barnes (recommended by Jan)

95. True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart by Tara Brach (recommended by Mary and Anne

96. Will You Dance? by Annette Childs-Oroz (recommended by Marty T)

97. Growing Wings: A View from Inside the Cocoon by Kristen Jongen (recommended by Marty T)

98. Both Sides Now: A True Story of Love, Loss and Bold Living by Nancy Sharp (recommended by Marty T)

99. Happily Even After: A Guide to Getting Through (and Beyond) The Grief of Widowhood by Carole Brody Fleet (recommended by Marty T)

100. The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller (recommended by Anne)

101. Leaning Into Love: A Spiritual Journey through Grief by Elaine Mansfield (recommended by Marty T)

102. Stunned by Grief: Remapping Your Life When Loss Changes Everything by Judy Brizendine (recommended by Marty T)

103. On My Own by Diane Rehm (recommended by mfh)

104. About Grief: Insights, Setbacks, Grace Notes, Taboos by Ron Morasco and Brian Shuff (recommended by scba)

105. The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman (recommended by kayc)

106. Permission to Mourn: A New Way to Do Grief by Tom Zuba (recommended by Marty T and Rochestergal)

107. On Loss and Living Onward: Collected Voices for the Grieving and Those Who Would Mourn With Them by Melissa Dalton-Bradford (recommended by Teresa Bruce)

108.  Gaining Traction - Starting Over After the Death of Your Life Partner by Peggy Panagotacos (recommended by iPraiseHim)

109. Colors of Loss and Healing: An Adult Coloring Book for Getting Through Tough Times by Deborah S. Derman (recommended by Marty T)

110. Grief Diaries: How to Help The Newly Bereaved by Linda Cheldelin Fell, et al (recommended by KATPILOT)

111. Grief Diaries: Loss of Health by Linda Cheldelin Fell (recommended by Anne)

112. Hope and Healing for Transcending Loss: Daily Meditations for Those Who Are Grieving by Ashley Davis Bush (recommended by Maryann)

113. The Tender Scar: Life After the Death of a Spouse by Richard L. Mabry (recommended by iPraiseHim)

114. A Gift of Love: A Widow’s Memoir by Linda Della Donna (recommended by Anne

115. Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive by Allison Gilbert (recommended by Marty T)

116. Tears to Triumph: The Spiritual Journey from Suffering to Enlightenment by Marianne Williamson (recommended by Anne)

117. Grief Is A Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss by Kenneth J. Doka (recommended by Marty T)


http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/3836-grief-bibliography/#comment-29429

 

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claribassist13
2 hours ago, Tears in Heaven said:

I went to my first grief counseling appointment today, and I can honestly say I won't go back. I went into it optimistic but left empty handed. It was a complete waste of $160. She literally told me everything I already knew, "there are different stages of grief and everyone grieves differently". Then she asked me what I hoped to gain from counseling, I told her that I didn't know where to start but was trying to start somewhere.

Deanna, 

The first couple of session are going to be like this. Just like with any other healthcare professional, your grief counselor has to get to know you and your goals first before you guys can really start getting to the meat and potatoes. Once a sort of relationship is established, then you can really begin to talk about stuff. 
If you are turned off by it now, that's fine. However, it is my personal recommendation to attend at least 3 sessions before deciding if a grief counselor is truly not helpful for you. At that point, depending on how often you are meeting, you will have moved past this initial shock of your fiance's death. Another option is to stop going for now, and maybe start up again later when you feel like you have more emotions and issues to address. 
I didn't start seeing my grief counselor until about 2 months after my fiance's death. By that time I was over the initial shock and was ready to spill to anybody. Maybe waiting until you are further along in your grief process might be beneficial as well. In the first few weeks there is nothing that anyone can tell us that would be helpful. We are still trying to process what happened and still trying to wrap our heads around the finality and permanency of our loved one's death. 

Please do not feel like I am pressuring you to go if you truly feel it will not be beneficial. I just feel that people often give up on it too early, before they can really begin to see if it is helping or not. Our grief is a forever process. It's only fitting that anything we do to help ourselves will take time to make an effect. 

Keep reaching out! If nothing else, we are all here to listen!

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velvettuberose
9 hours ago, Tears in Heaven said:

Hello Karin & Kay, 

Just like the both of you, I'm so sorry about your losses as well. This is definitely a group that none of us really want to be a part of. 

I went to my first grief counseling appointment today, and I can honestly say I won't go back. I went into it optimistic but left empty handed. It was a complete waste of $160. She literally told me everything I already knew, "there are different stages of grief and everyone grieves differently". Then she asked me what I hoped to gain from counseling, I told her that I didn't know where to start but was trying to start somewhere. Anyways, I'm not trying to turn anyone against it, but it just isn't for me. I was wondering if there were any books that anyone might could recommend? 

Again, I thank you all for the support! 

 

Deanna 

 

Hi, Deanna,

I feel your pain and am sorry that you have to experience it. Like everyone before me said, it is hard in the beginning. The guilt is understandable in all situations in which our loved ones die suddenly. There is nothing we can do. There is nothing you could have done.My Walter died 7 months ago, on a cold January night, from a massive heart attack. I was with him, but was not able to do anything. The guilt was immense. I don't even have words to describe the shock my mind and body felt.

The grief counselor was right...the way we grieve is unique  just like the relationship that we had with our loved ones. Don't give up on counseling. One time is not an indicator of how it is going to be from now on. I suggest you going one more time. If you still don't like it, find another counselor. It is not even a month. You are still in shock, but once the reality hits, you will need any support you can get. Losing your partner is a pain like nothing else. You need to let those emotions out. So, try again.

We are here and will listen to you any time you need to.

Alina 

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velvettuberose
7 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

Deanna, 

The first couple of session are going to be like this. Just like with any other healthcare professional, your grief counselor has to get to know you and your goals first before you guys can really start getting to the meat and potatoes. Once a sort of relationship is established, then you can really begin to talk about stuff. 
If you are turned off by it now, that's fine. However, it is my personal recommendation to attend at least 3 sessions before deciding if a grief counselor is truly not helpful for you. At that point, depending on how often you are meeting, you will have moved past this initial shock of your fiance's death. Another option is to stop going for now, and maybe start up again later when you feel like you have more emotions and issues to address. 
I didn't start seeing my grief counselor until about 2 months after my fiance's death. By that time I was over the initial shock and was ready to spill to anybody. Maybe waiting until you are further along in your grief process might be beneficial as well. In the first few weeks there is nothing that anyone can tell us that would be helpful. We are still trying to process what happened and still trying to wrap our heads around the finality and permanency of our loved one's death. 

Please do not feel like I am pressuring you to go if you truly feel it will not be beneficial. I just feel that people often give up on it too early, before they can really begin to see if it is helping or not. Our grief is a forever process. It's only fitting that anything we do to help ourselves will take time to make an effect. 

Keep reaching out! If nothing else, we are all here to listen!

You are right, Jo. I started seeing a counselor a month after Walter died. I was dealing with a lot of anger on top of the pain. It was consuming and draining. The first session all I did was crying like a baby. After the first session, the pain started to pour out of me. I feel sorry for my counselor because of how many times she heard, " I am angry at my in-laws; I am angry at God; I am angry at Walter for not taking his health seriously; I am angry at everybody else who continues to live their lives like nothing happened. WHY US?" 

You know what they say, " It takes a village to raise a child." In our situations, it takes a lot of support from the people who are willing to give it, so that we can heal.

So, Deanna, try again just like Jo suggested. 

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15 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

In the first few weeks there is nothing that anyone can tell us that would be helpful. We are still trying to process what happened and still trying to wrap our heads around the finality and permanency of our loved one's death. 

This makes sense.  When we are still in shock we are ultra sensitive and thin skinned and can feel angry at anyone no matter what they say.  Maybe we'd get more out of it if we waited a bit before seeing a grief counselor.

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Tears in Heaven

Thank you for the book recommendations. I'll pick out a couple and look for those. Maybe grief counseling is a good thing, I truly believe it helps some, but I don't think it's a good fit for me right now. Given some time I may go back, but I'll probably be looking into other more affordable options. 

Again, thank you all for the concern & support. 

Deanna 

 

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You can look a lot of them up on Amazon which has excerpts and might give you an idea which one you want to start with.  Not all are for everyone.

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