Thoughts

[velvettuberose]

We are going to survive this pain, aren't we?

[BigKev]

I don't know, it's wave after wave. I don't want to do this anymore but I don't want to let her down. I'm gonna keep trying.....................

[velvettuberose]

We have to continue trying, Kev. We owe it to our loved ones. It is painful,but we cannot give up.

[claribassist13]

Look at you and I! We've made it 7 months and counting. I think it's hardly fair to make it this far to not survive. 
If we were destined to not survive, I would have like to not gotten this far along. 

[KayC]

Speaking from one eleven years out, yes, you will survive it.  Even seven months is a drop in the bucket of this journey, but eventually when you look back you will see the progress you've made...it seem imperceptible when you're in it, but looking back you can see it.  You will not only survive it but will find good in life again...not like before, but hey, I'll take all I can get!

[velvettuberose]

14 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

Look at you and I! We've made it 7 months and counting. I think it's hardly fair to make it this far to not survive. 
If we were destined to not survive, I would have like to not gotten this far along. 

You are right,Jo, but it is so hard sometimes. I am tired and I miss Walter so much.

[velvettuberose]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Speaking from one eleven years out, yes, you will survive it.  Even seven months is a drop in the bucket of this journey, but eventually when you look back you will see the progress you've made...it seem imperceptible when you're in it, but looking back you can see it.  You will not only survive it but will find good in life again...not like before, but hey, I'll take all I can get!

11 years?!!! That is a very long time. 

What kind of good would I find? Not the same good I had with Walter.

[claribassist13]

11 hours ago, velvettuberose said:

You are right,Jo, but it is so hard sometimes. I am tired and I miss Walter so much.

I know you do. Grief is exhausting and we have to push through it. 
I wish I had something better to offer. 

[KayC]

No, not the same kind of good.  When I lost my George, the big joy in my life was gone in an instant.  I've learned to look for and appreciate the little joys in life...things like kindness from strangers, a phone call from a friend, getting to see deer and elk (I live in the country), anything that seems positive or pleasant or caring.  For me, those are the little joys in life.  No, they don't make up for my missing George, and my life is not at all the same as it was, but I try to focus on the good there is still in it.  Tomorrow I get to see my little granddaughter, that is a joy I look forward to, no matter how short it lasts.

[Millie681]

On August 11, 2016 at 5:36 PM, KayC said:

No, not the same kind of good.  When I lost my George, the big joy in my life was gone in an instant.  I've learned to look for and appreciate the little joys in life...things like kindness from strangers, a phone call from a friend, getting to see deer and elk (I live in the country), anything that seems positive or pleasant or caring.  For me, those are the little joys in life.  No, they don't make up for my missing George, and my life is not at all the same as it was, but I try to focus on the good there is still in it.  Tomorrow I get to see my little granddaughter, that is a joy I look forward to, no matter how short it lasts.

I agree with what your saying but what if the good & joys don't out way the grief ? This Monday was 5 months since Paul passed & I felt the pain & loss as if it was the first day. Everything in my life is going to hell & I am finding it hard to find the joy. Paul was who I leaned on when times were hard & now he's not here. Even just to make me smile or laugh or get a hug.  I'm trying I am but I'm finding it hard to even get through the day lately.  

[KayC]

Of COURSE it doesn't outweigh the grief, how can it?  It's not about comparisons, you usually come up wanting with comparison.  It's about LOOKING for something good so that when it occurs you RECOGNIZE and APPRECIATE it.  It can't all be doom and gloom.  Attitude is a choice.

I didn't say it was easy.

[claribassist13]

14 hours ago, Millie681 said:

I agree with what your saying but what if the good & joys don't out way the grief ? This Monday was 5 months since Paul passed & I felt the pain & loss as if it was the first day. Everything in my life is going to hell & I am finding it hard to find the joy. Paul was who I leaned on when times were hard & now he's not here. Even just to make me smile or laugh or get a hug.  I'm trying I am but I'm finding it hard to even get through the day lately.  

This new life we are living is not necessarily about replacing our grief. It's learning to live with our grief, but not allowing it to control our lives. If we allow our grief to run whatever is left of our lives, it will be worse than the life we are already forced to live. 
So now we are left to recognize some of the simple joys that we can still take some pleasure in. Our lives will never be the same, but I think this experience will allow us to not take anything for granted. 

[velvettuberose]

9 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

This new life we are living is not necessarily about replacing our grief. It's learning to live with our grief, but not allowing it to control our lives. If we allow our grief to run whatever is left of our lives, it will be worse than the life we are already forced to live. 
So now we are left to recognize some of the simple joys that we can still take some pleasure in. Our lives will never be the same, but I think this experience will allow us to not take anything for granted. 

You spoke the TRUTH ,my friend.

[obakesan]

On 11/08/2016 at 2:32 AM, KayC said:

On 10/08/2016 at 10:59 AM, velvettuberose said:

We are going to survive this pain, aren't we?

Speaking from one eleven years out, yes, you will survive it.  Even seven months is a drop in the bucket of this journey, but eventually when you look back you will see the progress you've made...it seem imperceptible when you're in it, but looking back you can see it.  You will not only survive it but will find good in life again...not like before, but hey, I'll take all I can get!

Dear Velvettuberose

yes, you will survive as KayC has said.

The most difficult thing is to grasp that "big changes" exactly means big changes. People espouse metaphors brainlessly from what they have heard. You (and I and KayC) are actually going through them ... not just voyeurs.

I have found that being able to talk though things, examine my emotions in a thoughtful way (not just feel as if I was simply a big walking emotion) that I have progressed from one very dark place to just a difficult place.

Its hard work and the only reward is the you are happier and still love them.

Best Wishes

[Millie681]

22 hours ago, KayC said:

Of COURSE it doesn't outweigh the grief, how can it?  It's not about comparisons, you usually come up wanting with comparison.  It's about LOOKING for something good so that when it occurs you RECOGNIZE and APPRECIATE it.  It can't all be doom and gloom.  Attitude is a choice.

I didn't say it was easy.

Hi KayC 

i know it's not easy. I'm just having a really hard time lately & all it has been is doom & gloom. I'm trying to find the good. It's just been hard that's all

[Millie681]

19 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

This new life we are living is not necessarily about replacing our grief. It's learning to live with our grief, but not allowing it to control our lives. If we allow our grief to run whatever is left of our lives, it will be worse than the life we are already forced to live. 
So now we are left to recognize some of the simple joys that we can still take some pleasure in. Our lives will never be the same, but I think this experience will allow us to not take anything for granted. 

You hit exactly what I've been going through. I feel the grief all the time. I know it won't ever be the same & that's why it hurts so much! This new life is so sad. There isn't much pleasure left in it for me. I'm trying but it's just so lonely 

[KayC]

Millie, It IS hard, it takes concerted effort.  Just as working through our grief takes effort.  None of it is easy.  But I've found that those of us willing to put forth the effort, reading and posting here, journaling, reading grief books, watching grief videos, seeing a grief counselor, even art therapy, giving ourselves the opportunity to feel our grief, yes even cry the tears when they come, all of this helps us process our grief and make our way through it intact...not unchanged, perhaps not even unscathed, but intact and having learned through this journey.  None of this was our choosing, but now that we're here, we are faced with choices and each of them makes a difference in how we survive and what our lives will look like, as well as who we are becoming.

[claribassist13]

1 hour ago, Millie681 said:

You hit exactly what I've been going through. I feel the grief all the time. I know it won't ever be the same & that's why it hurts so much! This new life is so sad. There isn't much pleasure left in it for me. I'm trying but it's just so lonely 

I can't really add more that KayC didn't cover already. Just know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. Reach out when you need the help!

[Millie681]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Millie, It IS hard, it takes concerted effort.  Just as working through our grief takes effort.  None of it is easy.  But I've found that those of us willing to put forth the effort, reading and posting here, journaling, reading grief books, watching grief videos, seeing a grief counselor, even art therapy, giving ourselves the opportunity to feel our grief, yes even cry the tears when they come, all of this helps us process our grief and make our way through it intact...not unchanged, perhaps not even unscathed, but intact and having learned through this journey.  None of this was our choosing, but now that we're here, we are faced with choices and each of them makes a difference in how we survive and what our lives will look like, as well as who we are becoming.

Thank you KayC I appreciate what you said. I've been putting in the effort & doing the work. Going to counseling, finding this forum, & reading.  I guess I've just been feeling lost & like you said the choices we make makes a difference in how we survive. I just need to remember that.  Thank you.  

[Millie681]

3 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

I can't really add more that KayC didn't cover already. Just know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. Reach out when you need the help!

Thank you. I'm truly glad to have found people like you who truly do understand & care. Thank you again.  

[KayC]

And remember you will have better days and worse days, but it's all part of the journey.  When you come to expect anything, it makes it easier to not be caught off guard.  This is a helluva struggle, but keep on keeping on!

[velvettuberose]

On 8/14/2016 at 5:22 PM, obakesan said:

Dear Velvettuberose

yes, you will survive as KayC has said.

The most difficult thing is to grasp that "big changes" exactly means big changes. People espouse metaphors brainlessly from what they have heard. You (and I and KayC) are actually going through them ... not just voyeurs.

I have found that being able to talk though things, examine my emotions in a thoughtful way (not just feel as if I was simply a big walking emotion) that I have progressed from one very dark place to just a difficult place.

Its hard work and the only reward is the you are happier and still love them.

Best Wishes

I think accepting that those changes will occur without my husband to witness them. is very hard. That is my pain right now...he will never see his plans come to fruition. I look at the flag displayed on the shelf and wished I did not have it. Instead I wish Walter was still here with me. The flag is in a case with all his insignias and medals and there is a picture of him in his dress uniforms. He has such a beautiful smile in that picture. 

I cannot say I am happier, but I surely love my husband. 

[Millie681]

On ‎8‎/‎15‎/‎2016 at 5:42 PM, KayC said:

And remember you will have better days and worse days, but it's all part of the journey.  When you come to expect anything, it makes it easier to not be caught off guard.  This is a helluva struggle, but keep on keeping on!

Thank you KayC. I just felt a little like I have been failing by "relapsing" in a way. I even made an emergency call to my therapist because it was getting too much to take. I promise I will keep trying but I have to thank this family on here for keeping me going & making me feel that I am not alone so Thank you again!

[BigKev]

You're not alone. For me, reading your posts and following the responses reminds me that I too am not alone. I feel alone in a crowded room but I know i'm not. I have no idea if I'm going to survive this but I have gotten this far because people here cared, cared enough to listen and cared enough to talk to me straight. There's nothing I can say to make you feel any better so just know that you're not alone, and that I care.

[KayC]

Millie,  the fact that you are keeping on trying says a lot.  You are not alone and you have us on your journey, we understand.

BigKev, it's true that we can't fix anyone's situation and we can't say anything to make anyone feel better but your caring DOES make a difference!

[Millie681]

On August 18, 2016 at 9:27 PM, BigKev said:

You're not alone. For me, reading your posts and following the responses reminds me that I too am not alone. I feel alone in a crowded room but I know i'm not. I have no idea if I'm going to survive this but I have gotten this far because people here cared, cared enough to listen and cared enough to talk to me straight. There's nothing I can say to make you feel any better so just know that you're not alone, and that I care.

Thank you Big Kev it means so much. We all are here for each other & it helps it truly does. 

[Millie681]

20 hours ago, KayC said:

Millie,  the fact that you are keeping on trying says a lot.  You are not alone and you have us on your journey, we understand.

BigKev, it's true that we can't fix anyone's situation and we can't say anything to make anyone feel better but your caring DOES make a difference!

Thank you Kay C. Having support & understanding really does help.