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lost without him


groovylegumes

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groovylegumes

In May of 2015 I lost the love of my life, my partner of 24 years. We'd spent our entire adult lives together and then one morning he sat on the edge of the bed, slumped forward, and was dead. Sudden cardiac death at 44. I know nothing can prepare you for the loss of a partner but damn I was totally shocked. In the days immediately after I entertained thoughts of suicide nut could only think how my death would hurt him.  I'm tired of hearing things will get better with time. The pain doesn't lessen, it's not as constant but the enormity of the loss doesn't go away--I never expected to be 42 and alone. It's been more than a year and still at some point everyday something reminds me of him and I break into tears.  The successes I have had in the past year just feel hollow, as I feel hollow. My therapist thinks it's time I move on and consider dating and it just infuriates me, like society allows a year for mourning and beyond that is socially unacceptable and uncomfortable for those around you. I am in no condition to consider the idea right now, yet I am lonely beyond words.  We also weren't married and I agree that somehow to others it lessens the depth of your loss, like those 24 years would have meant more, been more legitimate somehow.  Friends and family keep telling me they dream of him or they feel his presence and for me there is just a void, an emptiness that is no longer filled by him.  I really don't know where to turn anymore, i'm just so empty. 

I'm not sure what I am looking for here, I guess maybe a recognition of some kind, a way to climb out of this sorrow.

 

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6 hours ago, groovylegumes said:

Friends and family keep telling me they dream of him or they feel his presence and for me there is just a void, an emptiness that is no longer filled by him.  I really don't know where to turn anymore, i'm just so empty. 

 

Hi, I lost the love of my life 3 weeks and 4 days ago. I feel the same way you describe I just feel so empty, like there is a big part missing. He is missing. He was my everything. 

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Hi Groovy,

im sad to hear about your great loss. I'm glad you came here to share. There is no expiration date on your grief, the old adage of time heals all means nothing to us. When I had to choose a sign in name for this site, lostnalone pretty much says it all. I find some reprieve by reading posts here, responding from time to time. I find comfort in a bereavement group I found and it helps. It's like I'm swimming underwater and these are the ways I've found that allow me to come up for air from time to time. 

Part of a poem from Gwen Flowers

Come, walk with me,
Along the trail of tears.
We'll share our heartbreak, and our hopes and fears.
This trail is not designed
To walk alone.
But we will make discoveries of our own.
 

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You're a little more than a year out, that's not enough time for the pain to lessen.  According to grief specialist Marty Townsend, time alone does not heal wounds, it takes putting in the grief work as well...seeing a grief counselor, journaling, posting/reading threads, watching grief videos, reading grief books and articles, shedding tears, I even did art therapy.  It's exhausting, the hardest work I've ever done, but the healing that comes is worth the effort put in as I never want to feel that level pain again.  

The missing them never goes away, the grief never ends, but it does evolve and the intensity does lessen.  You've just begun the journey, really.

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gosh I feel your pain.  We don't want to find a boyfriend...we want our love back!  I too am very lonely, yet so afraid to "move on with my live".  I so tired of everyone telling me that im still young and will find love again.  ugh....I lost my EVERYTHING of 30 years...it's so hard to move one and it's over 2 year for me.  so so very heartbroken.  Everyone else seems to move forward with their lives and ours was taken from us.  I'm so done

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On August 10, 2016 at 10:42 PM, Marty2121 said:

gosh I feel your pain.  We don't want to find a boyfriend...we want our love back!  I too am very lonely, yet so afraid to "move on with my live".  I so tired of everyone telling me that im still young and will find love again.  ugh....I lost my EVERYTHING of 30 years...it's so hard to move one and it's over 2 year for me.  so so very heartbroken.  Everyone else seems to move forward with their lives and ours was taken from us.  I'm so done

Marty 

I couldn't agree with you more.  Everyone moves on & we are still here in our grief.  It's been 5 months for me & I know people mean well but I feel like everyone wants me to move on go out & have fun & enjoy life. No. No I don't feel like it.  My love is gone how is going out going to help me with that? I'm just tired of this life 

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On ‎8‎/‎13‎/‎2016 at 6:32 AM, Millie681 said:

Marty 

I couldn't agree with you more.  Everyone moves on & we are still here in our grief.  It's been 5 months for me & I know people mean well but I feel like everyone wants me to move on go out & have fun & enjoy life. No. No I don't feel like it.  My love is gone how is going out going to help me with that? I'm just tired of this life 

Millie, you just need to grieve in your own way.  yes, everyone means well because they feel so bad for us, but they really don't know how hard it is.  I went through (and sometimes still do) where guess what...I don't want to be happy...I don't want to laugh because I hurt so much.  Well you know what....that's what we need to do.  There will be a lot of "friends" that unfortunately will give up because they get frustrated that they can't fix you.  There will be that one or two persons that will listen to you grieve over and over again and just do that...LISTEN!!!  don't try to fix us as there is no so called fix.  We are now going into a different life and I honestly feel that someday we WILL be ok, but it will be on OUR time not anyone elses.  You do what YOU need to do for now.  We'll be ok, but do not let anyone tell you how to feel even if they've walked in your shoes, cuz guess what...we are all different and handle things differently.

Peace,

Marty

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3 hours ago, Marty2121 said:

Millie, you just need to grieve in your own way.  yes, everyone means well because they feel so bad for us, but they really don't know how hard it is.  I went through (and sometimes still do) where guess what...I don't want to be happy...I don't want to laugh because I hurt so much.  Well you know what....that's what we need to do.  There will be a lot of "friends" that unfortunately will give up because they get frustrated that they can't fix you.  There will be that one or two persons that will listen to you grieve over and over again and just do that...LISTEN!!!  don't try to fix us as there is no so called fix.  We are now going into a different life and I honestly feel that someday we WILL be ok, but it will be on OUR time not anyone elses.  You do what YOU need to do for now.  We'll be ok, but do not let anyone tell you how to feel even if they've walked in your shoes, cuz guess what...we are all different and handle things differently.

Peace,

Marty

Thank you so much Marty. You have no idea how I needed to hear this.  Thank you for letting me know it's ok to feel what I'm feeling.  Thank you 

Millie

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we will figure this out on our own Millie.  Be kind and gentle with yourself and give yourself ALL the time you need and never worry what anyone else thinks or says.

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15 hours ago, Marty2121 said:

we will figure this out on our own Millie.  Be kind and gentle with yourself and give yourself ALL the time you need and never worry what anyone else thinks or says.

Again thank you Marty honestly  it means a lot 

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My husband passed on a Father's Day and when 4th of July rolled around, I was invited to a party.  Seriously?  I wasn't up to gaiety and laughter!  We do need to give ourselves time to just FEEL what we're feeling. 

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On ‎8‎/‎15‎/‎2016 at 5:46 PM, KayC said:

My husband passed on a Father's Day and when 4th of July rolled around, I was invited to a party.  Seriously?  I wasn't up to gaiety and laughter!  We do need to give ourselves time to just FEEL what we're feeling. 

Hi Kay C. I agree with you 100% but when the majority of people around keep saying you need to "live" life what do I say?

I try not be rude but the same as you I am just not up to it. I feel like people treat me as if we broke up. This isn't a break up. He is gone & that still hurts no matter who's birthday it is or who is having a celebration. I have taken your advice & felt & embraced the feelings I am having. I had the hardest cry that I had since Paul's passing. I cry daily but this was the same cry / sobbing/ screaming that I had when the doctor told me he lost him. I cant say it felt good but I know that I needed to feel those emotions again for whatever the reason was.  

 

Thank you again for understanding & not making me feel as if my feelings aren't valid.

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You do what is best for YOU!  This is not about them, this is YOUR life!  I don't want to be rude to people either, but they just don't get it and sometimes it takes standing up for ourselves even if they don't like it.  Like saying something like, "I appreciate your including me in your plans but I am grieving at MY pace...when I'm more up to socializing, I'll let you know, thank you for your thoughts though!"  

Your feelings ARE valid!  And sometimes we have to cry the tears, I can't imagine bottling this up!

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20 hours ago, KayC said:

You do what is best for YOU!  This is not about them, this is YOUR life!  I don't want to be rude to people either, but they just don't get it and sometimes it takes standing up for ourselves even if they don't like it.  Like saying something like, "I appreciate your including me in your plans but I am grieving at MY pace...when I'm more up to socializing, I'll let you know, thank you for your thoughts though!"  

Your feelings ARE valid!  And sometimes we have to cry the tears, I can't imagine bottling this up!

Thank you & I will say that next time.

You are right. It is my life & I think I do need to remember that & I shouldn't feel guilt or shame because I'm not up to participating. 

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