Given Up ,

[Forever His x]

So next week it has been 3 months . i dont know how ive got through them and i dont get where the time has gone , im still looking for him and i cant find him . i think im going a little bit crazy . 

Not only have i got to get my self through the day i have to get our 15 month old through the day to not literally because he doesnt understand but i have to look after him all day after all thats whats being a mum is all about . His done so much in the last 3 months and his missed it all thats another load of emotions on its own . 

No one seems to be able to help no one knows what to say , the whole world is carrying on and im just stood here holding onto my little boys hand , somehow although his young i feel his dragging me through it all . Nothings changed since day one and ive seen peoples posts who have lost alot longer than me and they still feel pretty much the same , therapy hasnt helped i thought i was going to get something out of it coping methods maybe i dont know , not just be nodded at and told its normal i dont want this as my "normal" .
And if i hear that blooming word "time" said to me once more im going to explode , give it time to what learn to suppress it , for it to be longer since ive seen his beautiful face , yeah thanks for that " time " really is the answer ! i dont think so . i am a loner i dont have any friends i just have my family , because i had everything in my man i just wanted him and only him . 
Just what is there to do now just keep sitting in the fog all day listening to your head going round and around and around . i know its all part of " grieving " but i dont want to be grieving . 
There is just nothing now , im 24 years old and thats it now there is nothing out there for me . 
 

I give up . 

[claribassist13]

I'll start this response by apologizing ahead of time. I mean all of this in the most sincere of ways in the hopes that it will help. If I do offend you, then I am horrible sorry for the misunderstanding.  

This is probably the last thing you want to hear, but you don't really have a choice in giving up. 
It would be nice to sink into our depression, to just lie in bed until we die. It would be great to just stop and wait for enough time to pass. It would be great to pause time altogether. 

You don't get that. I know that you know it, and I know that it sucks, but you don't get that choice. 
Why? Your son. Your son is the reason you don't have a choice in giving up. 
Despite his young age, your son will notice you mood. It will become an integral part of his memories. And while you feel that your life is over, his life is not. He deserves a mother who won't give up on herself. He needs you. I know that you know that. You don't need me to tell you this. 

Sadly, this is our new normal. It's going to be our new normal for a while. If you give up now, this will forever be your normal. If you want to change your normal, then you can't give up. At this point in life, we all know that death is the only certainty in life. Everything else in life can be added to, improved upon, or changed altogether. Don't allow his death to be the death of yourself. That part of you is gone, but there is still so much more to you. 

You owe it to him. You owe it to your son. Most of all, you owe it to yourself. 
Please, please, please, don't give up. Don't ever give up. 

[Millie681]

I want to tell you that I completely understand wanting to give up.  I am there right now. I have no family to lean on. No one that knows what I'm going through except for all of the wonderful people on this forum. With that said claribassist13 is right.  You can't give up for your sons sake.  He deserves all of the love & all the good you have to offer him.  To guide him through this world.  He needs you.  He is the best parts of you & his father.  You said that your son is dragging you through this.  Maybe that's his fathers hand also.  Helping you.  I again understand exactly where you are but please fight on for you & your son. Please don't give up. 

[KayC]

I don't have anything to add as I already responded to your post on the other site, but I do want to say I've come to value claribassist's advice here and Millie's too, and I hope you'll give heed to the replies you've been given.  Most of the people here are young and understand, but have been walking this a little longer than you.

[claribassist13]

11 hours ago, Millie681 said:

 You said that your son is dragging you through this.  Maybe that's his fathers hand also.  Helping you.  I again understand exactly where you are but please fight on for you & your son. Please don't give up. 

That is a beautiful perspective! 

[Forever His x]

On 07/08/2016 at 3:49 AM, claribassist13 said:

I'll start this response by apologizing ahead of time. I mean all of this in the most sincere of ways in the hopes that it will help. If I do offend you, then I am horrible sorry for the misunderstanding.  

This is probably the last thing you want to hear, but you don't really have a choice in giving up. 
It would be nice to sink into our depression, to just lie in bed until we die. It would be great to just stop and wait for enough time to pass. It would be great to pause time altogether. 

You don't get that. I know that you know it, and I know that it sucks, but you don't get that choice. 
Why? Your son. Your son is the reason you don't have a choice in giving up. 
Despite his young age, your son will notice you mood. It will become an integral part of his memories. And while you feel that your life is over, his life is not. He deserves a mother who won't give up on herself. He needs you. I know that you know that. You don't need me to tell you this. 

Sadly, this is our new normal. It's going to be our new normal for a while. If you give up now, this will forever be your normal. If you want to change your normal, then you can't give up. At this point in life, we all know that death is the only certainty in life. Everything else in life can be added to, improved upon, or changed altogether. Don't allow his death to be the death of yourself. That part of you is gone, but there is still so much more to you. 

You owe it to him. You owe it to your son. Most of all, you owe it to yourself. 
Please, please, please, don't give up. Don't ever give up. 

Hi , 

You didnt offend me at all , everything you have wrote to me makes sense i just dont want it to because i dont want to be in the situation . 
You hit deep with your words was encouraging in a way , how do you cope with day to day , how do you get by ? 

[Forever His x]

On 07/08/2016 at 0:36 PM, Millie681 said:

I want to tell you that I completely understand wanting to give up.  I am there right now. I have no family to lean on. No one that knows what I'm going through except for all of the wonderful people on this forum. With that said claribassist13 is right.  You can't give up for your sons sake.  He deserves all of the love & all the good you have to offer him.  To guide him through this world.  He needs you.  He is the best parts of you & his father.  You said that your son is dragging you through this.  Maybe that's his fathers hand also.  Helping you.  I again understand exactly where you are but please fight on for you & your son. Please don't give up. 

Hello , 

i took a while to reply as your comment actually made me cry but not in a bad way , the bit about the hand and how that could be his hand too , was a beautiful way of looking at things with in a horrible situation .  Thankyou. 

[Forever His x]

On 07/08/2016 at 11:08 PM, KayC said:

I don't have anything to add as I already responded to your post on the other site, but I do want to say I've come to value claribassist's advice here and Millie's too, and I hope you'll give heed to the replies you've been given.  Most of the people here are young and understand, but have been walking this a little longer than you.

Thankyou . 

[claribassist13]

9 hours ago, Forever His x said:

You didnt offend me at all , everything you have wrote to me makes sense i just dont want it to because i dont want to be in the situation . 
You hit deep with your words was encouraging in a way , how do you cope with day to day , how do you get by ? 

None of us want to be in this situation. It's the club we never wanted to join, and now we can't ever leave it. 

How do I cope? I suppose it would depend on the day. 
I didn't take care of myself for a long time. Now I am dealing with the consequences of that. At some point we just have to tell ourselves to put one foot in front of the other. We have to focus on the here and now instead of worrying about tomorrow or a week from now. 

At our young age, we definitely do not have the life experience to deal with any of this well. We are doing the best we can with what we know. It's overwhelming right now, so I feel there is no point in trying to solve all of our problems right now. We have to deal with the emotions as they come and learn to how live and breathe again. 

My advice? Take it easy on yourself. Enjoy some time with your beautiful son. Teach yourself how to laugh again. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

My advice? Take it easy on yourself. Enjoy some time with your beautiful son. Teach yourself how to laugh again. 

Good advice again!  (I wish we had a "like" button here)

[Millie681]

On August 7, 2016 at 6:53 PM, claribassist13 said:

That is a beautiful perspective! 

Thank you. 

[Millie681]

On August 9, 2016 at 1:29 PM, Forever His x said:

Hello , 

i took a while to reply as your comment actually made me cry but not in a bad way , the bit about the hand and how that could be his hand too , was a beautiful way of looking at things with in a horrible situation .  Thankyou. 

Hi,

You are so welcome.  If it helped you even a little I'm glad.  I hope you are doing well today.  

[Forever His x]

So i have cancelled my current therapist as they cant offer me a grief counsellor just a therapist that generalises in all causes and to be honest im getting no where with it and its a waste for someone to sit and nod at me , it doesnt help , so i shall go and find a grief counsellor .
I had forgotten a few of my medication well the anti depressants i was subscribed felt no different not taking them to taking them , but my thinking it bad like really bad so tomorrow im going to start taking them . 

So lately what am i up to ready for this ... im on a mission im determined to find him , this hasnt happened it hasnt been three months since ive seen him or kissed him or all of the things we do together and as a family . surely its not just me and my son now ! ,i need to find him . i cant carry on with out him . i was standing at a crossing last week watching the cars go speeding past thinking how easy it would to just stick my foot out and get dragged along with one . simply really isnt it . i feel like im going insane . im going to be young and lonely let alone old and lonely . why im writing all this again i dont know , how do i get out of this i dont . i hate my self i hate my life . 
I love my little boy , yet i feel so sorry for him because i cant give him everything i want to he needs his daddy just like i do i worry how his going to grow up , i have yet to explain all this to him , who does that who tells their little boy what has happened why cant he just see his daddy , why cant i have my fiance . 
i feel sick i feel ill im making my self ill with my own bloody head. i am really really struggling and the only thing that will help me is him !! , this is it now this is me . 

How Lovely . 

[claribassist13]

8 hours ago, Forever His x said:

So i have cancelled my current therapist as they cant offer me a grief counsellor just a therapist that generalises in all causes and to be honest im getting no where with it and its a waste for someone to sit and nod at me , it doesnt help , so i shall go and find a grief counsellor .
I had forgotten a few of my medication well the anti depressants i was subscribed felt no different not taking them to taking them , but my thinking it bad like really bad so tomorrow im going to start taking them . 

So lately what am i up to ready for this ... im on a mission im determined to find him , this hasnt happened it hasnt been three months since ive seen him or kissed him or all of the things we do together and as a family . surely its not just me and my son now ! ,i need to find him . i cant carry on with out him . i was standing at a crossing last week watching the cars go speeding past thinking how easy it would to just stick my foot out and get dragged along with one . simply really isnt it . i feel like im going insane . im going to be young and lonely let alone old and lonely . why im writing all this again i dont know , how do i get out of this i dont . i hate my self i hate my life . 
I love my little boy , yet i feel so sorry for him because i cant give him everything i want to he needs his daddy just like i do i worry how his going to grow up , i have yet to explain all this to him , who does that who tells their little boy what has happened why cant he just see his daddy , why cant i have my fiance . 
i feel sick i feel ill im making my self ill with my own bloody head. i am really really struggling and the only thing that will help me is him !! , this is it now this is me . 

How Lovely . 

I'm a chemistry major, so forgive me for getting a bit technical for a moment. Also, please take into account that I have no idea how long you have been taking any of these medications, so forgive me for any assumptions I might make. 
As far as taking any sort of medication (especially where antidepressants are concerned), you are not going to feel the effects of these types of medications right away. These medications are responsible for changing chemical levels within the brain, which is a difficult process to do. As a result of trauma (or many other things) your brain releases chemicals in order to transmit messages to other parts of the brain and even other organ system. The levels of these chemicals in turn affect the kind of signals the brain sends and what these signals say. Your brain, which is now processing an incredibly large psychological trauma, has to find ways to allow your body to process the grief psychologically while still allowing to function well enough to survive. This is why many people experience loss of appetite, lack of sleep, and other symptoms commonly associated with depression. Your brain is using so much of its functions to process what has happened to you that it simple makes other daily functions feel less important.
It typically takes a month before medications like antidepressants will really begin to take affect within the brain. This is a process that takes a long time to achieve and can quickly backtrack if doses are skipped. It's really important that you do not miss doses of your medication. Not only are you completely undoing the progress you worked so hard for, but the backtracking can be swift and very severe. Yes, you will probably still feel symptoms of your depression while experiencing grief. Antidepressants were not designed to make your depression go away, they simply allow your chemical to stabilize somewhat, allowing you to feel more even and stable and live without severe mood swings (which can occur during a grief/depression combo). 

In other words, I am glad that you will be taking your medication regularly again. While you may not feel like it helps, I promise that your brain chemistry is greatly helped by it. 

Finding an actual grief counselor will be much more beneficial than just seeing a therapist. Grief is tricky and everyone reacts different. Grief counselors are specially trained to help you identify helpful mechanisms/techniques to help you process your grief in a healthy manner (which also helps our your brain!). It sounds like you could really use someone trained for this kind of stuff to talk to. 

As far as dealing with your son, you'll have to choose the best way to address this. Kids are pretty darn smart, so it's not like you are going to have to hide this from him forever. He'll ask questions someday, but in another year he won't know any different. He won't know that he is missing something. As long as he has you, he is in the best hands he could ask for. 
You are experiencing situational depression, and your recovery process is going to be harder because of your commitments to your son. However, you have the most to gain from working through it now. Your son will grow up, and he will know how his mother raised him, loved him, despite all of the challenges you are facing right now. He will have the ultimate role model to look up to. He'll have someone with all the experience he will ever need to lean on as he grows older. You may feel like you are going insane, but it is how you choose to live with this that will make you the best of mothers in his eyes.