Members natureandsolitude Posted August 6, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 It's been almost three years since my husband passed away and I'm still "stuck". I'm hoping to talk to some others in the same situation. Geesh. Don't know why I typed two years at first. Its been almost three. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 6, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Our grief is forever, but it evolves. I found that what I had to live with after three years is pretty much what I had to live with. I would say there's been adjustments even after that although they seemed imperceptible at the time I was in it. I would say you have plenty of company! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members natureandsolitude Posted August 6, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Did you start dating again, KayC or did you just give up on that? There is a part of me that hope I can meet someone and fall in love again but my husband was just so RIGHT for me. And everyone else I think of meeting just seems so wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 7, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted August 7, 2016 I remarried but he turned out to be a con that preyed on widows, he never lived with me but he used my credit to the tune of $50,000.00...which will be between two and three times that by the time I pay it off with interest. He strung me along, he was a good con, by the time I figured it out and divorced him, it was two years. I tried one more time...I got engaged to a really sweet guy. When his mom was dying (a whole other story), he broke up with me by Fed Ex. That's when I threw in the towel and gave up even trying to date. I had a really good husband, I should have called it good with that. I think at the time I thought I could live another forty years (my family has longevity) and I didn't want to do it alone. In the end, I had to learn to live alone and be good with it, and it's something I wish I'd done to start with, I would have saved myself a whole lot of heartache and trouble! I didn't circumvent my grief in the least, when all was said and done, my grief and I were left alone and I still had to deal with it. I've learned so much in the years since! I realize that not everyone has an ending like mine, I've known some who remarried and were happy and I'm really glad for them. I just figure if I don't know how to pick them better than that, I'm better off by myself, I've had enough for one life! I have great memories with a wonderful husband that adored me, and I him, that is enough for me. Oh, and I got a dog. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 8, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted August 8, 2016 On 8/6/2016 at 11:24 AM, natureandsolitude said: my husband was just so RIGHT for me. That's how I felt too and no one else has been. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members natureandsolitude Posted August 9, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted August 9, 2016 I'm not big on thinking there are "lessons" to be learned from everything. And I would never in a million years think that my husband died so that I COULD learn a lesson. But I think the greatest lesson that I should make myself learn from this is how to be happy living alone. I have always depended on others for my happiness and, even now, I keep looking for someone to "save me" from my sad moods. I know I need to learn how to be happy on my own. I just haven't fully figured that out yet. Thanks for sharing your story with me KayC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 9, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted August 9, 2016 I don't think he died so that I could learn lessons, but in my journey I DID learn much. And I so agree that it's important that we put in the effort to learn to be comfortable with ourselves so that we can build our lives that we now have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JLW Posted August 11, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 11, 2016 I lost my husband a little over 2 years ago. I know what you mean about being stuck. The pain is still so fresh, Some days are better than others but I don't feel like I am moved on at all some days. I'm convinced I will never get used to life without him. We were married for 37 years, together for over 40. I thought I would grow old with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 11, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted August 11, 2016 I'm sorry JLW, we thought we'd grow old together too, even bought a porch swing for the patio so we could grow old in together. My cat took it over and eventually even she is gone now. I don't want to be all doom and gloom though, life will never be the same, but eventually we do make a life for ourselves, it's kind of like a shadow of what was though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Heather Layton Posted September 6, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 6, 2016 I lost my husband 2 years ago and my self esteem is still in the toilet. I have good weeks, bad weeks, good days bad days but for the past 5 I have felt so inadequate and I am struggling to get it back up there. This is the part that I hate the most, if it wasn't enough to lose my life partner my self esteem had to go with it. Anyone else experiencing this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 6, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted September 6, 2016 I suppose it's that the person who believed in you most is now gone. I am very sorry for your loss. If you click on "Read on here" below, it will bring up an article on this. Taken from:http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/8338-articles-worth-reading/&page=16#comment-120835 Self Esteem Takes A Hit When Someone We Love Dies by Patti Fitzpatrick When a death occurs, the bereaved person’s level of confidence takes a plunge for many reasons. There is a feeling of insecurity because life has been drastically altered since the death of a loved one. There is a feeling of helplessness because the bereaved was not able to prevent the death. There is a feeling of not being “whole” after a death of a loved one. There is a feeling of failure when the bereaved can’t seem to “get over” or “move forward” in their grief. There is a feeling of fear about a future without our loved one. All of these reasons contribute to a diminished sense of worth and self-esteem. Fortunately, there are ways to rebuild one’s self-esteem after the death of a loved one. Read on here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members natureandsolitude Posted September 6, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted September 6, 2016 I don't know if I would have described it in exactly the same way but I guess "self-esteem" is a good way. My husband accepted me as I am, 100%. I don't feel like the rest of the world does. So I no longer feel comfortable being myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Heather Layton Posted September 6, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 6, 2016 Hmm, that makes sense. Nature and Solitude. Kay C thank you for the attachment, it is nice to read that plummeting self esteem is in fact common. Now it's just a matter of doing some solid work to bring it up to where I can find my zest for life back, as that is what bothers me most. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Heather Layton Posted September 6, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 6, 2016 I also have to add that I was fortunate to find a great new life partner, but it is definitely harder to blend our lives together, whereas my first husband and I had nothing to blend, just an opportunity to grow everything together. I feel like my first husband was so perfect for me as well and that even though in my heart I know my new partner is right it won't ever be what I had, I didn't want a new partner as I am sure all of you can relate to. I recognize that I am still in the getting to know my new partner phase like I was at one point with my first husband, it just feels so much harder this time, but then again I still miss my first husband and the life I had. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 7, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted September 7, 2016 Heather, you're welcome. I understand what you're saying...my husband I just clicked and although all relationships take work, it felt rather effortless as our love languages were the same and we had such faith in each other and truly showed love to one another all of the time. It was an amazing relationship, I guess I was lucky to have him for the time that I did, even though it was nearly as long as I wanted! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted September 7, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 7, 2016 On 9/6/2016 at 8:54 AM, KayC said: I suppose it's that the person who believed in you most is now gone. I am very sorry for your loss. If you click on "Read on here" below, it will bring up an article on this. Taken from:http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/8338-articles-worth-reading/&page=16#comment-120835 Self Esteem Takes A Hit When Someone We Love Dies by Patti Fitzpatrick When a death occurs, the bereaved person’s level of confidence takes a plunge for many reasons. There is a feeling of insecurity because life has been drastically altered since the death of a loved one. There is a feeling of helplessness because the bereaved was not able to prevent the death. There is a feeling of not being “whole” after a death of a loved one. There is a feeling of failure when the bereaved can’t seem to “get over” or “move forward” in their grief. There is a feeling of fear about a future without our loved one. All of these reasons contribute to a diminished sense of worth and self-esteem. Fortunately, there are ways to rebuild one’s self-esteem after the death of a loved one. Read on here First off, thanks for sharing this resource! I can definitely relate to these feelings. However, I feel that these sort of thoughts can also extend beyond self-esteem. I recently went back to school and have noticed an astonishing difference in who I am as a whole. The way I approach classes and stress is not the same, and it's been a real struggle to realize that I am not, and never will be again, the same person I was before my fiance's accident. It's been beyond frustrating at times. because I feel like I should be able to do more than I can. I should be able to do things the way the old me would have done them, and I've come to the hard realization that I just can't do things the way I use to do them anymore. I think this and the loss of self-esteem all ties together. When the people we love the most die, it is impossible to remain the people we once were. We have to learn how to love ourselves again. Until then, self-esteem is just gone, along with a whole host of other things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 8, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 17 hours ago, claribassist13 said: However, I feel that these sort of thoughts can also extend beyond self-esteem. Most definitely! It affects every avenue of our being! Self esteem was just addressed here because that's what the person mentioned. I guess that's why grief counselors are so often recommended, although many choose not to go to them...it can be a struggle to go through this on our own without a guide to help us even know where to start, let alone point our resources. The forum I belonged to as I went through my journey was a godsend for me, everyone helping each other...just like you have here. I think one of the essential things I learned on this journey was self-care. After all, there is no one else that's going to do it for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Heather Layton Posted September 8, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 claribassist13 -Thank you for your input. I am still putting pressure on myself for not being "where I was". You really do lose so much with a loss, from friends and family to savings and your own business. I felt so successful before my loss and know I have moments where I know I will come back stronger and be able to make a greater impact on people but then all that motivation falls as I let my self succumb to negative self talk. Would I expect anyone with a loss to be completely healed and back up to or beyond their definition of success now? (it has been 2 years, we were together for 15) no I guess I wouldn't. I lost the most important person in my life and no one but me knows exactly how that feels. The hardest part is knowing where I was before the loss, feeling so strong and on top of the world to this place of not knowing when I will feel like that again, it is hard to trust that it will happen but I see that is what I need to do, trust. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted September 9, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 9, 2016 2 hours ago, Heather Layton said: claribassist13 -Thank you for your input. I am still putting pressure on myself for not being "where I was". You really do lose so much with a loss, from friends and family to savings and your own business. I felt so successful before my loss and know I have moments where I know I will come back stronger and be able to make a greater impact on people but then all that motivation falls as I let my self succumb to negative self talk. Would I expect anyone with a loss to be completely healed and back up to or beyond their definition of success now? (it has been 2 years, we were together for 15) no I guess I wouldn't. I lost the most important person in my life and no one but me knows exactly how that feels. The hardest part is knowing where I was before the loss, feeling so strong and on top of the world to this place of not knowing when I will feel like that again, it is hard to trust that it will happen but I see that is what I need to do, trust. I'm glad that you are at the trusting stage. I am still struggling with the acceptance of this new person that I am. It's hard to feel successful and confident when it's still a fight to get out of bed in the morning. We'll tackle one thing at a time I suppose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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