Members Serch Posted August 6, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Hello everybody... Sorry for your losses... My name is Sergio... The love of my life (Josh) passed away three weeks ago. The pain is so much! I have been trying to escape from this... Distracting my mind in other things, but honestly there is no way for me to smile again. I had a relationship with my partner for only six months and I knew him as if we have been together for years. He wanted to marry me and was making plans for the future, but he was too sick and was pain killer´s dependent (He had two autoimmune diseases and had scar tissue damage on his legs). I did not care about all his health issues, we were fighting together against all that. Now, I understand all the pain and the hell he was going through and I have a little bit of peace because he is not hurting anymore. Although, everything I´ve said I feel alone and I´m hurting so bad every time I think about him. It feels as a part of you is dead, I don´t want to do anything. We talked a lot about him dying. He wanted me to be happy and move on, but I can´t. Just yesterday I got a message of one of his friends telling me that he told him I was the best he could asked for... That just broke my heart into pieces and is killing me every day... I´m tired of be crying but I cannot help it... I´m 29 years old and I´m counting the years that I need to be in pain in this earth without him. I really want to see him again and it is hard for me because I don´t believe in anything. I´m so desperate to believe in something and have hope that someday I´m gonna see him again an be reunited. It is so hard to think right now... It just hurts... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted August 6, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Sergio, At this point in your loss it is best to not to think too much about the future. Your loss is still horribly fresh, and you have a long, long road ahead of you. At this point the best thing that you can do for yourself is to allow yourself to feel your grief and to ensure that you have a support system in place. The next few months are going to be a swirl of emotions, memories, and realizations. It will do you good to remember to be easy on yourself, and to ask for help when you need it. 2 hours ago, Serch said: I´m 29 years old and I´m counting the years that I need to be in pain in this earth without him. I really want to see him again and it is hard for me because I don´t believe in anything. I´m so desperate to believe in something and have hope that someday I´m gonna see him again an be reunited. It is so hard to think right now... It just hurts... For the particular sentiment above, I can certainly relate to how you feel. I am 20 years old and am currently trying figure how I will be going on the rest of my life without my fiance. It's a question that many of us are currently facing. We don't have any answers, but we can provide a safe place to talk/vent. Please feel free to reach out to any of us, and just keep talking! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 6, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 Serch, They don't allow duplicate posts in most forums, three times is overkill. Those of us here usually read all of the threads in a section. Three weeks is a short span of time in the whole picture, right now it's enough just to take care of yourself and get through the day. Let yourself experience your grief as there's no way to circumvent it. Do you have a grief counselor? If not, it's a good idea to get one asap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Serch Posted August 6, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 KayC sorry for that... I did not know how the forum works... I´m trying to do my best to get through this... Next week I will try to get a grief counselor... Thanks for the advices... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Serch Posted August 6, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted August 6, 2016 claribassist13, Thank you for your answer and advice... I´m certainly trying to do my best, one day at a time, but it is too hard. Yeah, you are right, maybe I just need to live this and do not be overwhelmed about the future. I have a support system, but it is not working well. I understand they don´t want to see me crying but saying ¨you have to move on¨ or those thrilled phrases as ¨you are going to be ok¨ or ¨it was just six months of a relationship¨ all that simply does not work for me... They don´t understand how is to loose the love of your life because they simply did not experience this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted August 7, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 7, 2016 7 hours ago, Serch said: claribassist13, Thank you for your answer and advice... I´m certainly trying to do my best, one day at a time, but it is too hard. Yeah, you are right, maybe I just need to live this and do not be overwhelmed about the future. I have a support system, but it is not working well. I understand they don´t want to see me crying but saying ¨you have to move on¨ or those thrilled phrases as ¨you are going to be ok¨ or ¨it was just six months of a relationship¨ all that simply does not work for me... They don´t understand how is to loose the love of your life because they simply did not experience this... Serch, I can really feel for you. I was with my fiance for almost 3 years and yet I still get "it was only 3 years" or "there are other fish in the sea". It seems that if you are not married that your relationship (to outsiders) isn't valid. Our supports systems will not understand everything, so it's up to us to create the support system that we need. As far as your family goes, at some point you'll just have to say "screw it" and cry. If they don't understand/can't support you then that is unfortunate. Family should be there for you no matter what. Just because some people don't understand, doesn't mean that your relationship was not real, valid, or important. Just take your time to grieve, and do it your way. That is the only way you'll be able to start making progress towards your goals. I second KayC. You should go to see a grief counselor to learn some coping mechanisms. They will allow you to grieve in a healthy way with a decreased risk for falling into a clinical depression. Keep reaching out to us, and keep doing what you have to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Serch Posted August 7, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted August 7, 2016 Hi, claribassist13, I hope everything goes well... Yeah, I still dealing with a lot of things... I will go to a counselor this week. I know my family won´t understand everything and that´s ok as far as I know what I lived with my bf. And yes, I'm just trying to express all this that is inside of me... I know at some point I will be able to smile at the good moments we had together... Thanks for your answers, I really appreciate it... It gives me hope and make me feel I'm not alone in this process... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 7, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted August 7, 2016 19 hours ago, claribassist13 said: It seems that if you are not married that your relationship (to outsiders) isn't valid. You may feel that way because of something others have said, but that is NOT the case!! Marriage is a piece of paper, it was an important one to us as it signified our commitment to each other and the government's validation of it, but it was our love that defined what we had with each other, not the certificate. The certificate only reaffirmed what we already felt in our hearts. It is the quality of relationship that defines the level of grief we feel...that and our own personalities, coping skills, etc. You can have a three year love and it can be deeper than another couple's 50 year marriage! It's really not about length of time, but more like how we clicked, went together, affected each other, complemented one another, and loved each other! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 7, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted August 7, 2016 2 hours ago, Serch said: I will go to a counselor this week. Good for you! Make sure it's one that specializes in grief, all counselors are not equal! I really hope it helps you...if you don't get anything from one, try another.http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/04/finding-grief-support-that-is-right-for.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted August 7, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 7, 2016 29 minutes ago, KayC said: You may feel that way because of something others have said, but that is NOT the case!! Marriage is a piece of paper, it was an important one to us as it signified our commitment to each other and the government's validation of it, but it was our love that defined what we had with each other, not the certificate. The certificate only reaffirmed what we already felt in our hearts. It is the quality of relationship that defines the level of grief we feel...that and our own personalities, coping skills, etc. You can have a three year love and it can be deeper than another couple's 50 year marriage! It's really not about length of time, but more like how we clicked, went together, affected each other, complemented one another, and loved each other! You sure don't have to tell me that! I merely say that because it is a common attitude we face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted August 7, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 7, 2016 3 hours ago, Serch said: And yes, I'm just trying to express all this that is inside of me... I know at some point I will be able to smile at the good moments we had together... Thanks for your answers, I really appreciate it... It gives me hope and make me feel I'm not alone in this process... As long as you are making an effort, that it all you can ask of yourself at this moment. No, you are sadly not alone. Welcome to the club that no one ever wants to join. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 8, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted August 8, 2016 I know, but it's an attitude that really angers me. I've learned that comparisons are not healthy. In the other forum I belong to, there is someone that thinks only she truly grieves to whatever extent because her and her husband were married umpteen years..in spite of the fact that they were separated and cheated on each other 2 1/2 of those years. So I restate what I said in case anyone here thinks their relationship was the only significant one! (I doubt you do, just saying...) ALL of our relationships were great and worthy of grieving or we wouldn't be here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted August 8, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 8, 2016 21 minutes ago, KayC said: ALL of our relationships were great and worthy of grieving or we wouldn't be here! I can get behind that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members velvettuberose Posted August 8, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 8, 2016 14 hours ago, claribassist13 said: I can get behind that! A piece of paper is not an indicator of the love one feels for their partner...spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance(e). As long as someone does GENUINELY grieve the loss, it is enough for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted August 9, 2016 Members Report Share Posted August 9, 2016 14 hours ago, velvettuberose said: A piece of paper is not an indicator of the love one feels for their partner...spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance(e). As long as someone does GENUINELY grieve the loss, it is enough for me. I have to agree with both you and KayC. A piece of paper could never even come close to expressing/proving the love I felt for my fiance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 9, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted August 9, 2016 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Serch Posted September 11, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted September 11, 2016 Hello guys! I have long time without writing anything... I´m still struggling with the loss of my baby... I miss him so much and I remember him every day, every second. I have been busy with school and friends, but for most that I try to stay busy it´s hard to concentrate in anything (He was about to attend the same school and he moved to my city to start school together). I know he wanted me to be happy but I feel every piece of happiness has gone with him. Sometimes, I have flashes of happiness when I think about him but always with that bittersweet feeling of inconclusive plans and future. It has been really hard to make decisions but I´m trying everything I can do to go forward. I have plenty of his things in my apartment. A friend of mine suggests me to get rid of everything (with the same excuse that it was a short relationship), but I feel I can forget him by disappearing all of that, I don´t want honestly cause before he passed away he wanted me to keep his most precious belongings, but every time I look them I feel his absence and it hurts... Did you guys had that same feeling? How you did with your soulmates belongings? Is it going to be a moment in which I will see his pictures and stuffs and not feel that way? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted September 12, 2016 Members Report Share Posted September 12, 2016 7 hours ago, Serch said: A friend of mine suggests me to get rid of everything (with the same excuse that it was a short relationship), but I feel I can forget him by disappearing all of that, I don´t want honestly cause before he passed away he wanted me to keep his most precious belongings, but every time I look them I feel his absence and it hurts... Did you guys had that same feeling? How you did with your soulmates belongings? Is it going to be a moment in which I will see his pictures and stuffs and not feel that way? Yes, Serch. Every single one of us has felt this way before. We all differ in how we react towards it, but we've all experienced it. I cannot tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I did with my fiance's stuff. I went through a period of time where I gathered up every photo, text message, essay, and anything containing him. I even saved all the articles covering his accident along with the police report and the coroner's report. I saved all of those in Dropbox (along with many other backup places). I then gathered all of his belongings that I had (and that I was allowed to keep from his parents) and put them into a safe I had recently purchases. When I feel like he is too far away from me, I'll open up something and look at it. It's difficult having immediate access to those things, but it helps we as well. I know that these things may be hard for me to look at now, but I know that I will want them in the future. If you aren't ready to make a decision, then I would recommend storing everything in a safe place until you are ready to decided something. Until then, you are use these items to help you feel closer to your partner. They say that someday you'll be able to see pictures or his stuff without feeling hopelessly sad. I have some days where I can look at his picture, and other days that I can't. Who knows that will happen as times passes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 13, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted September 13, 2016 Everyone feels and responds differently with the belongings. There isn't a right or wrong way to go about it, but I wouldn't do anything I might regret. If you can't handle the reminders right now, you might want to box them up and put them where you are visibly reminded...for now. You may feel consolation and comfort from these same things on down the road. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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