I loss My amazing dad to Lung cancer in ICU and i am struggling.

[amylou92]

This is my first post guys and first time talking outside of my family,

 My name is Amy i am 25 and in February of this year my amazing dad was told he had lung cancer, With in the week me and partner packed are 3 bed home up and moved back to my old bedroom so i can be the one to take dad for his treatments as mum needed to work (i work from home)

 He never got to start his treatment  he was in and out of hospital with pneumonia and on the 4th of march at 3am we called a ambulance as dad couldn't breath, Me and mum sat with him is hospital all day till he was given a bed on a high watch ward, He seemed to be settling breathing wise so we left him at 8.30pm to rest. 3am that morning we got the awful phone call that dad had gone down hill and is having to be put out on and placed on a life support machine. We got to the hospital and had to wait out side ICU for what seem forever.

Seeing my dad! My hero! My best friend on a breathing machine with 12 lines in his arms and neck to keep him alive was the worst thing i have ever seen! Me and mum sat with him for the week But he just got work and his kidneys started to go down hill. We had to make the choice and on 11th of march I had to hold my dads hand and watch him go to sleep forever! We were so close! I was always a daddys girl! 

I cant get the images out my head

I got married 2 month after as it what dad wanted,only 11 people, I have his ashes in a ring so he was with me and that helped a lot. 

My problem now is that me and my husband live in my old bedroom with my Labrador and it is driving us insane! I feel like i am a horrible person for wanting to move out and have some space again. My mum is doing ok, she works and keeps busy and has lots of friends and family. Me and my husband planed to move back to Spain before dad got ill and really want to next year. Am i awful  should  i feel this guilty. Mum said go for it and be happy. It takes her no time to get out there and for me to come back. 

 

SORRY FOR THE LONG STORY GUYS i had to get it out.

[cindyjane]

Hugs Amylou, I am so sorry for your loss.  I am also sorry that you had to go through such a difficult time at the end of your dad's life.  It is difficult to get those images to leave us but as time goes on, our minds focus more on the good memories.  Time really is a healer.  I lost both parents within 11 months of each other so didn't have time to heal from losing my mom when I dad passed on.  This was almost 3 years ago and I still think about both of them every single day, many times a day but as much as I have sadness in missing them .... my feelings have shifted to feeling grateful for having them for parents.  Allow yourself to feel however you feel ... I believe that feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are.

In regard to the guilt you are feeling, I would suggest to shake it off and kick it to the curb.  Your dad wouldn't want you to feel that way.  He would want you to live your life to the fullest and do whatever it takes to be happy.  I think that is what every parent would want.  It sounds like your mum wants that for you too.  

 

take care

Cindy Jane

[amylou92]

thank you hun that helped a lot <3 big hugs

[Ghosylyy]

Smy, you should do what is best for your emotional health and if moving out of your moms would help, you should. 

My mom also was diagnosed with lung cancer in February. She passed in April, so I feel the pain of a shocking diag osis and so little time after that...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I find that the only thing that makes me feel better when I'm crying and torn up is just remembering a time where she was there for me through something else.... Like a bad break up i had.  She was there, she rubbed my back and held my hand, and I just imagine that just because she's gone doesn't mean her love and support are gone. She still loves me. I just try to remember that, even though it generally makes Me cry more.... I don't know what I'm talking about. That's why I'm here, lol...