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I KEEP EXPECTING HIM TO WALK THRU THE DOOR


JBMOM

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I WAS THERE WHEN HIS HEART STOPPED I SAW THE MACHINE FLATLINE I HELD HIS HAND. I PLANNED HIS FUNERAL. I WAS THERE AT THE FUNERAL HOME WHEN MY HUSBAND CUT HIS HAIR FOR THE LAST TIME I WAS RIGHT THERE. I WAS THERE WHEN THEY DUG HIS GRAVE. I WAS THERE WHEN THEY PUT HIM IN THE GROUND. I ORDERED HIS TOMBSTONE I VISIT THE GRAVE QUITE OFTEN. .........BUT I KEEP EXPECTING HIM TO WALK THRU THAT DOOR WHY??? WHY????? HE IS GONE HE IS REALLY REALLY GONE..........I CANT I CANT

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JBMOM ~

i am so sorry.

i know the feeling haveing lost two sons ~

i have found that sometimes reality sucks ~

RAiNiE ~

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Alina's mom

So sorry... I have the same feeling... (((  

 

Kids never-never should die before parents, but unfortunately its happened with our kids. Tears...

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I'm the same way. I look at his urn every single day. I touch it every morning and night and hours in between but it's like the reality still won't sink in. That he's gone !! :(

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My son was killed last Aug and I still cannot wrap my head around the fact i wont see him again in this life, wont hear his booming laugh, feel his hugs no more photos of what he is doing or where he has been. It is unreal. My heart is shattered into a million pieces i know i will never be the same person again and that scares me. how do i find happiness again when one of my children is gone from our family. I still say i have 4 kids he will always be my son. I talk about him but not many of my family do. his siblings Ross 20 annaliese 23 and Emily 22 struggle to put into words how they feel esp as tommy cut everyone off for two years except me. he was living in hawaii so none of us saw him for 4 years and now he is gone. I understand your pain know there are many of us going through what you are

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Oh Tommys Mom ~

everything you say here is so, so, true in losing your son.

its only been a little over a year..

for me, in my experience of losing two sons I learned that the second year is even harder for lack of a better way to word it ~~

as it becomes more real...

as you say hear you can hardly wrap your head or heart around that he is gone from this life on planet earth.

for me,

after a short time after each of my sons died NO ~~ONE 

mentioned their names OR MY LOSS  and I felt like all I could do was just be around these people who were supposed to be family, AND APPEAR OK..

ANDIN THE FIRST FEW YEARS AFTER EACH LOSS,,,I WAS, WHAT  I CALL 'outa my mind with GREIF.

i am glad you have this site to come too and say all you need to say ,,

also,

there were times in the beginnings of my GREIF that I would walk around a corner,,,, or be in a store, or walk down a street & I'd think I saw each of my sons every where, you know like outa the corner of my eye...or walking by or down the street.

do whatever YOU NEED TO do to survive each day, no matter what others may say .

RAiNiE

 

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I too have lost two sons.. one 24 years ago at three months of age (Matthew)  and another on thanksgiving weekend last year at the age of 20 years(Jamie). It is the most horrific thing that a parent can go through. I thought it was difficult when we lost our son as a baby and it took me a good few years to come to terms with it. Losing our son of 20 years has been so much more difficult to come to terms with, there are so many memories and a much closer relationship to lose.

Our son Matthew passed away from blood poisoning and we were able to hold him and say our goodbyes before he actually died. With Jamie he went out to a friends one night and was struck by one car and thrown into the next lane and hit again, he was pronounced dead at the scene and had no ID on him that had a home address, is phone was in his pocket and smashed so they had no way to get in touch with us for many hours. He was killed at 730 pm and we were finally notified at 130 am...a parents worst fear waking up to that knock on the door and the police telling you very bluntly that your child was killed. It is very shocking and every time or dog barks at night now I fear it will be the police coming to my door to say something happened to one of my other children.

I buried myself in my work for 11months and the anxiety of the anniversary date and thanksgiving looming caused me to break down and I am now off work on short term disability awaiting professional counselling. the waiting list seems to be endless and I am not quite sure where to turn. I am not a religious person so the church is not an option for me so I thought that I would look into online support groups. I have never gone this route before but I do know that sometimes when I write things down it gets them out of my head for a bit and lessens the stress.

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I am on mental disability too and have found grief counselling invaluable but there is a waiting period for it which is hard when you are desperately begging for help. Writing on this forum is helpful for me I wish i had found it sooner. I read each post with an ache in my heart because i know what you all are going through and it is soul destroying, but i do find comfort in knowing I am not alone.

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I too am now off on disability. I tried to bury myself in work so that I would not think about it and about 2 months ago I just could not bury it any more! I had a melt down and when I saw my Dr. she said that first and foremost I need to be off work for a bit to work through this. I had some grief counselling though the funeral home for a couple of moths and then found that I was not really going anywhere with it. No one can understand how I feel unless they are going through what I am going through, so I decided while I was waiting for an apt with a psychiatrist I would look to the internet for support groups. I am very happy that I have found this site where I can chat with people who understand what I am going through, and we can help each other through the tougher times.

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JANRIS ~ 

every thing u have gone tgru to get to wher u r now is perfectly common & normal ~ for how does a person navigate such sorrow 

basically walking blind in an unknown land...

RAiNiE

 

 

 

 

 

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There is never a good way to be told your child is dead. We live in the UK now which is 5hours ahead of the USA and my youngest son found out that his brother had been killed on Facebook. Ross's best mate messaged to say how sorry he was to hear about tommy so Ross had to call him and then speak to the mortuary to find out what happened. isn't that horrific? He then called my parents and sister and they came to wake me up and tell me. It was the worst day of my life. Ross was abroad in Spain on a mentoring program and my daughter Emily was in a different part of the USA on a disabled camp counsellor. They were both so traumatised they were in shock and could not travel home for several days. I had my other daughter Annaliese with me at home and she had to deal with a hysterical grief strickem mother. i am ashamed to say I was not capable of being there for my children they had to support me. eventually Tommy was flown back from Hawaii where he lived and we were able to see him say goodbye and have the funeral. It still does not seem real. We are all on separate grieving journies and its hard because my son and daughter are away at university and my oldest daughter lives and works near London.

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Oh my dear beareaved friend.

of course it was the worst day of your life for it was a mothers worst nightmare come true..

i am so terribly sorry .

iand yes, how terribly insensitive and inhuman for each of you who loved Tommy to be notified in that way.

i really care ~

RAiNiE

 

 

 

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thanks rainie it is some comfort to be able to talk about what happened when so many of my family are unable to talk about it. I want to shout out loud IAM TOMMY;S MUM AND I LOVE AND MISS HIM EVERY DAY. HE WAS NOT AN ANGEL BUT HUMAN AND I ACCEPTED AND LOVED HIM ANYWAY. I like that we can share things about our children and know there are others out there rooting for us and offering quiet support.

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