I feel numb

[Lexiiiiiii]

I am sixteen years old, and I lost my dad about six months ago. January 14th. He had been battling cancer for two years when it happened, and he had only been in hospice for a week and a half. I guess I felt kind of relieved. I only missed 3 days of school because I just wanted everything to go back to normal, but that can't happen.. I made myself seem stronger than I actually was, my mom and brother, who is 15, think I don't miss him. I cry every day and he is all I think about, and I don't know why I can't just tell them that, but I can't. My mom thinks I am a heartless bitch. I'm not. I just don't cry in front of her, and she cries all the time. She doesn't have a job and she's depressed along with my brother. I can't talk to her about anything without her bringing my dad up, and I'd rather just not talk about him. It hurts me to talk about him, but she doesnt know that. It's been six months and it hasn't gotten easier. I almost feel nothing while I'm feeling everything, if that makes sense. I can't talk about what happened without feeling like crying which is why I can't talk to my mom, but she doesn't see it that way. Just because I'm not dealing with it the same way as her, she sees it as a bad thing. I don't know what to do or how to talk to her. I'm just so sad inside and I miss him so much. He was my best friend and he always had my back. My mom and I aren't much alike, she's like my brother and I was like my dad, but now I'm all alone. My brother and mom gang up on me saying I don't care about them and that I'm not sad, which isn't true at all, but they don't listen to me. I miss my dad so much. I feel so alone. 

[ModKonnie]

I am very sorry about the loss of your dad. Is there anyone you can talk to? A counselor at school, an aunt or uncle, cousin or friend? Talking is the best way to heal,  and you truly need to talk to someone. Perhaps you can try to explain to your mom that you feel numb, sick, heartbroken and everything else all at once, and you don't know how to deal with it. 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

[Lauryn]

Lexi,

I am a little older than you but not too much. My father passed away in May and I have been in a similar situation. He was my best friend, and I was exactly like him, while my sister and mom are very similar. I do and don't like talking about him but I don't like discussing anything with my mom. She also crys all of the time. I try to be there for her but I need to be there for myself at the same time. It hurts me that I can't be there for her but it also hurts me to listen to the things she says. Because I don't listen it causes many disagreements between us. I miss my dad too and find it hard to relate to people but I do have a lot of friends and family who support me. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'd be more than happy to listen and have someone to relate to. 

[Lottie_Lulu]

I would agree about seeing if there is a counsellor in school; but you can also talk to your mom. She'd be thrilled if you sat down and said how you felt. She is probably worrying as a mother about whether she's doing the right thing for you, or worrying that you're not grieving now and it'll come out later. What I felt was interesting from your post was I thought I bet your mom is seeing it completely differently from how you think she is. It's very easy to not see it clearly from the other person's point of view. Perhaps if you could practise one or two lines you want to say to her, and then see how it goes? So maybe you say that you're very upset about your dad and having a hard time and maybe is there someone you could see to talk about it. I know it's difficult if you don't want to cry, but maybe saying one thing to her and crying would be the best way to show that you're upset and that you are grieving too. You will find that your relationship changes as you get older, and this could be the thing that brings you altogether. 

[Lexiiiiiii]

On August 1, 2016 at 1:05 AM, Lauryn said:

Lexi,

I am a little older than you but not too much. My father passed away in May and I have been in a similar situation. He was my best friend, and I was exactly like him, while my sister and mom are very similar. I do and don't like talking about him but I don't like discussing anything with my mom. She also crys all of the time. I try to be there for her but I need to be there for myself at the same time. It hurts me that I can't be there for her but it also hurts me to listen to the things she says. Because I don't listen it causes many disagreements between us. I miss my dad too and find it hard to relate to people but I do have a lot of friends and family who support me. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'd be more than happy to listen and have someone to relate to. 

That's how it is with my mom! She doesn't actually listen to what I'm saying. Once she makes an assumption there is no changing her mind even if she's wrong, which she is 90% of the time. She also wants me to stay at home all the time. She acts like its so bad that I go to my friends houses or go to my sports practices, which I'm not gonna give up just because she wants me to stay home! I don't ever want to be at home truthfully. When I'm at home all I do is think about what happened. My dad passed in my house, and I can't go in that room anymore. I haven't since it happened, which was January. I'm very much like my dad emotionally and the way I act. My humor is sarcastic, and I'm outgoing, unlike my mom who doesn't understand my humor at all and thinks I'm just being mean when I'm not!!! I can't have a single conversation with her without her bringing up my dad, and it hurts me. I don't want to talk about it. It's easier for me to pretend it doesn't hurt, or to just not think about it. But I can't do that around her because we are VERY different. Like him, I don't talk about my feelings. I never have, and my moms not okay with that. I don't understand why she won't listen to me and respect how I feel. We are going to grand haven this weekend to spread a bit of his ashes, and I don't want to do that, which she was originally okay with. But now she is saying that I'm disrespectful and an awful daughter just because I don't want to spread the ashes. For me it would just make everything hurt more and it wouldn't help, whereas she thinks it's gonna release all her emotions. It would hurt me though, and she doesn't understand that or even try to. She holds my feelings against me saying I don't care. Which isn't true! I guess I'm just asking how I should try to explain this to her when she won't even listen to me.