Missing Mama.

[CourtneySue]

Some days are definitely harder than others without you Mama!.. We (meaning A LOT of people) lost Terri Therese Sheridan on November 23, 2014 to glioblastoma brain cancer after the fight if a life time that last lasted a very long year and a half; which was a roller coaster with highs and lows, sharp and steady turns. I think the strangest moment for me was about a month and a half before Mommy passed I was told I had a lump in my breast and due to her dementia, phone calls were not a coherent conversation ability she held any longer. It was the first time I was never going to be able to call her again to tell her something bad had happened, that I was scared, worried, needed her support. Luckily the diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound a couple weeks later showed no tumor! Again, I wanted to call Mama but realized I couldn't ever again; besides that who wants to tell they're dying mother that they found a lump in the breast just so she can have a heart attack or go completely insane but she was well on her way on her own to that. But, thanks to the supposed hospice care at a 24 hour facility who would thank me not to mention them - she was completely drugged up into a sleep coma the last three weeks of her life anyways. Thanks Medicare! So here I am today, probably several bottles of whiskey, wine, prescription pain killers, six-packs, cigarette packs, jobs later with a depression that just seems to kick in whenever it feels like. Good news is I have attended one AA meeting recently, cut way back on the drinking with more to do there, recovered from the two motorcycle accidents I needed meds for, and quit smoking thanks to a zero mg tobacco vaporizer. Everything just seems so damn harder and sometimes overwhelming without you here. Today was one of those days I usually give myself permission to have about once a month. One of those days where I make an obnoxiously large quantity of popcorn and sit alone at home all day in my living room watching movies. I don't think this is good for me because the high lasts until the credits come and I'm back to a reality check that I didn't accomplish much today and it's directly related to being overwhelmed, depressed, exhausted, feeling alone, worthless, old, fat, ugly... Basically a bunch of crap in my head that Mama would shake out me. One thing I do that helps me not repeat days like today is GRATITUDE first thing when I wake up in the morning I must list to myself somehow all the simple wonderful people, places, things, dreams, etc. I am grateful for. Also, I really need to remember what my Mama would say to me if she was here and knew how I'm feeling. You know what that INCREDIBLE Lady would say? Get over it! Life is WONDERFUL! So I will try to remember that next time the dark cloud appears. But for now, she prayed for a 'bu' for me And he has been here with me since I moved back home from Hawaii to be with her three months before she passed. J has been my rock and lost his Dad to suicide 10 years ago. We will be together two years in September 2016 and the anniversary of my Mom becoming an Angel is two years November 23, 2016. I thank Creator every day for the love he has shared with me. I'm also very grateful that at 41 unable to get pregnant, that he has a beautiful six year old daughter who has been my best friend from the moment we met, I still have my Dad at 74 years old I have to accept that he won't be here forever but for now he's two miles away and I get to see him much more often than the 12 years I spent over 3,000 miles of open ocean, a busy brother, a difficult relationship with my sister - but at least we try, and many more wonderful friends and family. I have learned the hard way living in paradise (California ain't to shabby either) People are more important than places! God Bless all of you in your loss and grief... This is my first time here, but surely not my last. Thank you for giving me a place to get through this day and the next. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS & FOREVER Mama!!!