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Just need to talk...


dahlia

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I  feel like it is my fault that today another one of our cats has died. She was just barely 3 months old. Her mom left her alone when she was a few weeks old, then she got some kind of cat flu, got problems with her eyes, but somehow survived all this.. We feed her with syringe, cleaned her eyes at least five times a day, and she got better slowly. Our dog became her step mom, let her into her doghouse, cleaned her, they slept together, and even she picked up weird habits from the dog. She was a funny cat.. she was so small compared to being 3 months old, but she could run so fast and weirdly. We had to watch out for her in every step because in one moment she was in the end of the garden, and the next time under someone's feet. And she was always hungry.. running at full speed to her bowl, and sitting there waiting politely for the food to arrive.
Today when my mom left for work, i saw her for the last time... alive. I was such an idiot not taking her to the back garden... She was sunbathing in front of the front door, then as usual came down to the gate (not even jumping down from at least a meter high). I pet her, then went back to the house, she was at the door, and wanted to speed through the house probably. I left her outside.
Then not even half  hour later i went to take out the laundry. I havent seen her anywhere, because when i go out usually she came for begging for her lunch. I thought she was sleeping somewhere. I never would have thought that she'll sneak out under the gate... then later we were searching for her, and saw her on the street .. at least what is left of her. I knew she would die soon, when the cold weather sets in, but still... she didnt deserve this, and i feel like i am responsible for it. I know he would go out to the street anyway sometimes, because she is a cat but.. it hurts. Funny thing is i saw a white dove fly over the house, when i was putting out the clothes to dry. I wonder it that was a sign, that i have missed.
This past few years had been so cruel cat wise... i have lost 5 cats, with her 6... within 2 years... one of them was 16 years old.
Then i had a beautiful tuxedo cat, but his personality was hell, he was a little  demon, gone at 1,5 years old. We got him from my sister's classmate. He had one testicle only, got neutered, but the vet refused to "search" for the other one. After that he stopped eating for almost a week, was throwing up, when he tried to eat anything.  Got tested for a lot of things, but the vet found nothing. As a last resort the doc gave him some kind of strong hariball removing stuff, i dont know if that worked or not, but he started eating again. He seemed fine until he came home one day drooling like crazy. Vet again.. he of course didnt take us seriously, and gave him some antibiotic, and thats it. Then things went downhill from there.. he developed a nasty cough. He was always a picky eater and was thinner than a cat of his age should be, and the vet said its just how his build is. I never believed it however.. something wasnt normal.  The coughing got worse in the meantime. Then one may morning he came to my room meowing to let him out as usual. I let him out then he never came home. I still miss the bastard, even if he was the worst behaving cat we ever had, he was an in-outdoor cat, and was out from 3at night till 10 in the morning, then slept trough the day. Every time he came home from his "morning walks" he came to my room and slept on my bed. He sprayed on literally everything in the house ... even on me while i slept trough his meowing what seemed more like screaming sometimes; just to let him go out in the middle of the night. All of it with one hidden testicle. He was a destroyer cat. He took a lot of me.. the first time he got sick i was so stressed, i have even developed some sleeping disorders.. i have never experienced the one called exploding head syndrome before but it was a weird experience.
After he was gone i felt like i never want to have a new cat again. At this point we had only an old tom-cat and a stinky old dog. The neighbor had 4 beautiful kittens, by this time they were around 1 years old. One of them decided that she wants to live with us, she was the sweetest kitty i have ever had. Last summer she had 3 adorable kittens, we took care of them like they were out of diamond or something. Out of the 3 there was a tom-cat who was the most adorable thing ever, he was so kind he was talking to everybody, greeting everybody with his meow, and was literally in my back when i wanted to do something. He slept in the house in the day, he was so spoiled by everyone in the family. I was so happy with him, he was the polar opposite of the tuxedo we had before. But life is cruel... just before he turned 1 years old he got lost. Before this her mom also disappeared, and one of his sisters died after giving birth to 2 dead kitties. At this point i was so heartbroken....then we had this dumb little thing from a stray who decided to join in last year... she was so unfortunate and sick yet made everyone laugh with her silly run and how she tried to mimic the dog.. and now she is gone too.
And i am sitting here, wondering if do i only deserve this, or am i cursed or something, because life is taking away my only friends i ever had... i feel like i shouldnt get attached to anything anymore because when that happens i'll lose them instantly.
I am sorry this became this long, but i had to.. i've been crying in the past 3 hours to the point that i almost felt sick, and my head and jaw hurts. I think it was the time to shed tears for all of them again.. it just hit me really badly today.
I still hope that some miracle happens and the 2 disappeared cat comes back home somehow, but it has too little chance. However the doppelganger of the tuxedo has found us, and is probably a stray, with a bad-ish attitude. I keep putting out food for him since the start of this year and he is getting a bit nicer now, not like the cuddling type, but he lets us pet his head only.. no back because we get growled at.
I dont know how i'll ever get past of losing a cat.. its hard, and as the years go by it gets even harder. But i'll keep on feeding the neighbor cats, and the strays & spoil our 3 remaining ones, and hope that they'll live a long and happy life and that the lost ones will come home.
Sorry if this is too long or weird, but is 3 in the morning.

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I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my cat two months ago, I know she wouldn't run away and she didn't seem anywhere near dying, none of the neighbors knows anything, so I'm thinking she must have been preyed upon by an animal (we have a woods in back of us).  It's pretty tough to get through when you don't have closure.  I talk to her and tell her how much I love her and enjoyed having her with me all these years.

I hope this link will be of help to you:

http://www.veterinarywisdomprofessionals.com/resource_center/help_for_clients/client_handouts/a_dangerous_villain_guilt

I don't know if you've seen this before, but I find it comforting:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcQvYh_3Atw

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Thank you for the reply, and for the links.. that video made me cry...
I'm sorry about your cat. It was the same with a few of our cats too, they were eating happily in the evening, and by the morning they were gone. I really miss the brown tabby one and his mom. They were almost identical, expect the mom had problems with her ears when she was younger, and on her right ear i think the cartilage were broken, and that was her funny ear. Thank god we dont have any woods nearby, so i'm suspecting the neighbours... because one of them said that his wife hates cats.. so i can imagine him shooting at them, because we found an airgun bullet in one of our oldest cat a few years ago, the vet said it wasnt in a place where it could cause any harm, and the cat didnt seemed to be bothered by it either. And other neighbours said that they've got missing kittens & cats too.
For the video: I'd be flooded with cats :D (i always joke with my sister how well i can remember all of the cats we had, and how i dont seem to recall the names and the faces of my high-schoolmates).

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2 hours ago, dahlia said:

how well i can remember all of the cats we had, and how i dont seem to recall the names and the faces of my high-schoolmates.

:D  That's great!

A neighbor has a cat rescue, she has up to 25 cats at any given time because she traps them, takes them in to be neutered/spayed (it's 120 mile round trip) and then releases them.  She provides food for them too.  (We live in the country where people often dump their cats off).  The one that I lost a couple of months ago, Miss Mocha, that's how I acquired her, someone had abandoned her up here and she started living in the top of my garage, and when I finally realized it, I took her in.  I had her for 10 1/2 years, but have no idea how old she really was as she was an adult when I'd gotten her.  The vet said she'd had kittens at one time and been spayed.  So she was maybe 14-16 when she disappeared, but she seemed so healthy, I don't think she just went off and died.  And I know she wouldn't have run away, she was very, very happy here.  She used to sleep with me every night.  I miss her! she had blue eyes and was so dainty and feminine, I loved her little black heart shaped nose!

Miss Mocha.jpg 

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She was such a cutie!
Sometimes i feel like i run a cat shelter too :D When it's about dinner time the 3 neighbor cats come over, then another neighbor's black&white cat (she's been around for a few years now so i think she is getting pretty old, but she is the most fierce cat i have ever seen.. she really seem to dislike our old tomcat), and the clone of the tuxedo we used to have, plus our 3. So there is always a small cat-party going on here.
I think the most cats we had was 11 or 12 it was years ago. I was still a little girl, and there was literally a kitten boom, and i refused to give any of them away, but in the end we gave away 2 or 3 of them when they got bigger. When i was younger i always said that when i grow up i'm going to be a cat lady, of course people were laughing, but here i am now feeding every cat i find :D
A year ago the stray one (who was the mom of the kitten that got run over), moved in under the henhouse's roof. I saw her before a few times, but she always kept her distance, and now she lived under the roof. She was so hungry, and rundown, and was always meowing so loudly, when we passed near her, that i thought that she may have some dangerous disease, like rabies or something, but turns out she was just begging for food. Now she is friend with the dog, and sits in the kitchen's windowsill all the time. I have no idea whose cat she was.

 

 

 

 

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I think cats, given the chance, will pick us, like my Miss Mocha did.  They can belong to a neighbor, but it's YOU they're coming to!  My daughter got her cat from their duplex neighbors.  The cat was bedraggled, skinny, neglected, super hungry, so they started feeding him and giving him attention.  One day she found out the neighbors were moving and she asked if she could buy Rick from them.  They shrugged, "Sure, go ahead.  Have him."  They could care less!  You should see him today, he's the most gorgeous cat ever!  Long white fur, he's large and beautiful and very much a lap cat, very interactive.  His "before" was a stark contrast.  I don't think he would have lasted much longer with the other people.

Your cats are very beautiful.  Each one unique, that's one of the things I love about cats is they're very individual.

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