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I just don't know what to do


BigKev

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claribassist13

Please allow me to express how sorry I am. Those words do nothing to truly express how I feel, but a better phrase has yet to be invented. 
There are a lot of great folks on here who are super supportive. If you need to talk or rant, we are all here. 

Please let me, or any of us, know what we can do to support you. Hopefully you have a great support system at home as well!

 

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Thanks. I have a lot of family trying to help and they've been a blessing but I feel so guilty about needing help. I've always considered myself a strong man but this just broke me. I haven't been able to find a support group so I figured I just reach out and see if someone was here. Thanks for answering me

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velvettuberose
2 minutes ago, BigKev said:

Thanks. I have a lot of family trying to help and they've been a blessing but I feel so guilty about needing help. I've always considered myself a strong man but this just broke me. I haven't been able to find a support group so I figured I just reach out and see if someone was here. Thanks for answering me

First, my condolences for the loss of your wife. Sudden losses are the worst. I know the feeling too well...unfortunately.

Second, you are strong for reaching out and asking for help. It is normal to feel shattered. There is nothing wrong with that.

We all need support and people who are willing to listen.

Have you considered grief counseling?

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One of my daughters in law is looking for something like that. i did find a group but they didn't want anyone less than 3 months into this, I kinda found that odd but whatever. I don't know if I could talk to a shrink about this, I don't know

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velvettuberose
2 minutes ago, BigKev said:

One of my daughters in law is looking for something like that. i did find a group but they didn't want anyone less than 3 months into this, I kinda found that odd but whatever. I don't know if I could talk to a shrink about this, I don't know

Maybe not now, but don't dismiss the option just yet.

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I truly am trying to take baby steps, if I feel the need I will reach out to a pro. I thought maybe just talking or typing or whatever this is might make me feel less alone. If you folks don't mind, can I hang my hat here for a bit? 

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velvettuberose
16 minutes ago, BigKev said:

I truly am trying to take baby steps, if I feel the need I will reach out to a pro. I thought maybe just talking or typing or whatever this is might make me feel less alone. If you folks don't mind, can I hang my hat here for a bit? 

Yes...of course. You are welcomed here. If you feel comfortable, voice your feelings. That's why we are here...to help each other.

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claribassist13
1 hour ago, BigKev said:

I truly am trying to take baby steps, if I feel the need I will reach out to a pro. I thought maybe just talking or typing or whatever this is might make me feel less alone. If you folks don't mind, can I hang my hat here for a bit? 

We are all here for some type of support because we quickly realize that we won't find it anywhere else. Talking, writing, typing, whatever it is.. It all helps in it's own way. Sometimes it's just nice to know that there are people out there who know what you are going through. 

Use us, this place, to your advantage.  

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A shrink is different than a grief counselor.  A grief counselor is especially trained to help you through the maze of grief.  When we first lose our spouse we are in a fog and haven't a clue where to start, how to handle this, that's where they come in, they can help guide us.  It's an individual thing, we don't all handle it the same, but it's important to figure out OUR way.

I am so sorry you lost your wife.  We, unfortunately, understand how that feels.

We're here to listen when you feel you want to talk.

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Thanks, I was feeling really alone even surrounded by family. I'm 56, my wife was 54. It's hard for me to say things so if I'm rambling please forgive. Today wasnt as bad as some of the days but the valleys are so low and the peaks are scary, I feel guilty if I laugh or smile. 

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velvettuberose
27 minutes ago, BigKev said:

Thanks, I was feeling really alone even surrounded by family. I'm 56, my wife was 54. It's hard for me to say things so if I'm rambling please forgive. Today wasnt as bad as some of the days but the valleys are so low and the peaks are scary, I feel guilty if I laugh or smile. 

I understand what you are saying, but don't feel guilty. You cannot be in pain all the time. Your mind needs a break. Smiling or laughing helps you stay sane. That shows you that  the human spirit has infinite resources to cope even in the worst situations. 

At times, I find myself smiling...I say, " Wait a minute! I am supposed to be sad and cry because I lost my husband." But, no...I think we all need to continue smiling...for our loved ones.

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claribassist13
4 hours ago, BigKev said:

Thanks, I was feeling really alone even surrounded by family. I'm 56, my wife was 54. It's hard for me to say things so if I'm rambling please forgive. Today wasnt as bad as some of the days but the valleys are so low and the peaks are scary, I feel guilty if I laugh or smile. 

Don't feel bad about smiling or laughing. Your brain can only handle so much trauma/processing at one time. It has to take a break as well. 

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Hi BigKev

I would like to say, how sorry I am to hear about you're shocking Loss.

I can't say what's already been so well said, but, Folks here can and will support you as best as they can.

Blessings

Ritchie

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BigKev,

I was 52, my husband had just turned 51 the week he died...it's been 11 years now.  Here is a post I made five months after he died:

I don't think the grieving process ever really ends, but rather evolves...for myself, I know I will always miss George, I have had to learn to live with the pain and the hole he has left inside of me. As I carry that pain and that hole, it is a reminder of all that he was and is to me, a reminder that he is not here, but he is somewhere, waiting for me, and we will be together again. I give myself permission to experience joy in life, to have happiness wherever I can find it, to try and live life to the fullest...yet suddenly, unexpectedly, come those "grief bursts", as if out of nowhere, and they are triggered by seemingly trivial things...the other day I saw a can of bug spray George had bought and that set me off...the stupidest things are a reminder of him and of how much I miss him, everything he did, who he was, everything about him. I will forever mourn that loss, but I do not want it to stop me from living, for I am in the land of the living, and when I am done here, I will join him. I think he knows that, that I love him, that I miss him, that he will always be the world to me. There is no way they could ever be forgotten, replaced, dismissed...we carry them in our hearts and in our souls...forever.
link: http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/803-i-need-your-help-with-a-grief-question/#comment-118824

I think it's really important to give yourself permission to smile again, it's an essential step in the grieving heart.  

 

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I come here at night, when I go to bed and I don't check this site till then. I know that I am just beginning this and your words aren't falling on deaf ears. I feel like I'm trying to forget her, in order to not be sad all the time. You people a pretty much the only ones that I have spoken to about this. Finding her just ripped me apart and I can't get the picture of it out of mind. When I try to remember her, that's all I see. Katie, my daughter in law, has been looking around for a grief counselor but do I really want that damn to burst, I don't know if I could handle that, hell I don't know if I can go without it. 

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claribassist13
2 hours ago, BigKev said:

I come here at night, when I go to bed and I don't check this site till then. I know that I am just beginning this and your words aren't falling on deaf ears. I feel like I'm trying to forget her, in order to not be sad all the time. You people a pretty much the only ones that I have spoken to about this. Finding her just ripped me apart and I can't get the picture of it out of mind. When I try to remember her, that's all I see. Katie, my daughter in law, has been looking around for a grief counselor but do I really want that damn to burst, I don't know if I could handle that, hell I don't know if I can go without it. 

Inevitably your grief will get to a point where you will not be able to contain it. That is not a bad thing, but it will help you to have resources in place for when that time does happen. Seeing a grief counselor can help you learn how to cope with your grief in a healthy manner to avoid slipping into depression and other mental illnesses. 

As long as you are reaching out to someone, that is really all that matters at this point. 

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Hi BigKev

I have experienced the bottling up of emotions, as it is likened to a valve, to let out the build up.

I havn't done that throughout life, but tend to bottle up emotions, and it comes out in depression and other minor ailments.

But I am fine now, but its been a long journey, with many here being supportive.

 

What means more to me is that the Folks here often have so little to give emotionally, but have reached out to others and me, with what little they do have

Now that is True humanity in my eyes.

 

Ritchie

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On ‎7‎/‎25‎/‎2016 at 8:31 PM, BigKev said:

I lost my wife 2 weeks ago, sudden. I just want to talk to someone

Hi Big Kev,

Please let me say I am so sorry for the loss of your wife.  We, unfortunately, understand how that feels.

We're here to listen when you feel you want to talk. Anytime you have the strength to come here we are all here for you. This is no club anyone wants to be a part of but we all understand the feeling of someone just being ripped out of your life. It's such an immense pain & we can't make it better but we understand & are here.

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I truly do appreciate you guys putting up with me and allowing me to vent. Laurie always said to live in the moment and that's what's keeping me moving right now. I start to think about things 2 months from now, a year from now, how will things be, how will I feel, what about holidays and birthdays and so on. The only way I can breathe right now is to just focus on the next ten minutes. I'm not afraid, I just have no sense of reality now. Anyway....thanks for listening. I'll check back tomorrow night................

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Hey BigKev

Please don't feel that we are " Putting up with you "

Millie has hit the nail on the head.

I have had horrendous losses through my life, but the people who stands out the most is the patient and understanding ones.

Rant, Rave, Scream, do what you feel you need to do.

My inbox is always open if you ever need to chat, as I get alerts that someone has posted instantaneously.

I'm big enough and ugly enough to take it.

Take Care

 

 

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claribassist13
1 hour ago, BigKev said:

I truly do appreciate you guys putting up with me and allowing me to vent. Laurie always said to live in the moment and that's what's keeping me moving right now. I start to think about things 2 months from now, a year from now, how will things be, how will I feel, what about holidays and birthdays and so on. The only way I can breathe right now is to just focus on the next ten minutes. I'm not afraid, I just have no sense of reality now. Anyway....thanks for listening. I'll check back tomorrow night................

Being in the present is probably one of the best things you can do right now. It's overwhelming to think of the future right now, especially when you can even see the next second. 

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18 hours ago, BigKev said:

I truly do appreciate you guys putting up with me and allowing me to vent. Laurie always said to live in the moment and that's what's keeping me moving right now. I start to think about things 2 months from now, a year from now, how will things be, how will I feel, what about holidays and birthdays and so on. The only way I can breathe right now is to just focus on the next ten minutes. I'm not afraid, I just have no sense of reality now. Anyway....thanks for listening. I'll check back tomorrow night................

We aren't putting up with anything this is why we are all here. To get support from people who understand. Finding this site was a blessing for me.

Honestly focusing on the next minutes instead of the future I find is the best way. When I think about future plans we had & are gone & what will happen to me next I am crippled with pain. I just can't do it. Everyday & minute is a struggle. I hope coming here &  sharing brings you some comfort.

Take care 

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15 minutes ago, Millie681 said:

We aren't putting up with anything this is why we are all here. To get support from people who understand. Finding this site was a blessing for me.

Honestly focusing on the next minutes instead of the future I find is the best way. When I think about future plans we had & are gone & what will happen to me next I am crippled with pain. I just can't do it. Everyday & minute is a struggle. I hope coming here &  sharing brings you some comfort.

Take care 

I agree with you Millie681, finding this site is a blessing to me as well.  I tried talking to a grief counselor and I don't think it helped me.  I feel communicating with others who are going through a similar situation of a loss helps significantly instead of others who don't truly understand. 

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It has helped me greatly this week, just to be able to speak out and know that someone heard me. What I mean by tolerating is that sometimes I feel like I'm just blurting stuff out that makes no sense. Keeping a train of thought has been difficult and when I get tired I feel like I'm just spitting words. Sometimes I can't breathe and other times I can't swallow. I have very little will to live and no fear of dying, but  all I do is gauge my actions based on what I know she would think of me, so I'm going to try and survive this. 

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Yeah, no "putting up" here, we understand what you're going through, that's why we're all here, we get it because we've all walked in these shoes.  You have a dose of "grief brain", we all get that too, it does something to our focus.  It's like someone shook our brains or something, I don't think mine ever fully went back to "predeath" status.

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Good evening BigKev

It is perfectly natural how you feel at the moment.

I guess its like a plane landing, as in it has to find its altitude and level out, with wind from all directions.

The mind is constantly trying to interpret the world and situations.

You will survive, even when you feel you are clinging on by your finger tips.

Just receive at the moment, and chat when you feel you can.

I'm working nights so I will be online for a bit tonight.

 

Take Care

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On July 29, 2016 at 3:54 PM, Krantz said:

I agree with you Millie681, finding this site is a blessing to me as well.  I tried talking to a grief counselor and I don't think it helped me.  I feel communicating with others who are going through a similar situation of a loss helps significantly instead of others who don't truly understand. 

I thought I was going crazy before I found this site. I didn't realize everything I'm feeling, thinking & going through are shared with so many people. It is definitely helpful communicating with others who understand.  

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Still here...

i got a lot done today, stayed busy and that seemed to help. Had a little meltdown this evening and I'm not sure why but it passed fairly quickly, pulled up my bootstraps and finished dinner. 

3 weeks tonight, seems like yesterday, seems like a long time ago. 

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Hey BigKev

Thankyou for sharing about you're day with us in this Forum.

Good on you for doing a lot today and achieving a small hurdle.

You have done amazingly well, Bless You.

Meltdowns are Ok, I went through many.

 

Ritchie

 

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2 of my boys started scrapping with each other at dinner and I just started tearing up. I've been a strong willed, self controlled man most of my life and I couldn't get a grip on things. I'm not getting used to this, but it feels like I'm starting to see some triggers that I need to be aware of. Being tired and getting angry seem to leave me very vulnerable. 

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Hey BigKev,

I'm sorry you're boys were scrapping, and its intense emotional turmoil for everybody.

Emotions are very similar to a filled glass of water, that even the slightest knock can end up spilling some.

It's a positive sign for you Kev, that you are recognising trigger points.

 

Ritchie

 

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StillLoveMelanie

BigKev,

You are not alone with what you are going through.  I lost Melanie four months ago and what you are going through is normal.  I, like you, always considered myself to be strong.  Loosing someone close to you is something that we arent prepare for.  I can only say that what you are feeling now will take some time.  Melanie and I were only together for three and a half years, but planned on spending the rest of our lives together.  She died from a tumor on her liver that she didnt know she had.  Like you, our future had been robbed.  Take time to recognize your grief.  There is no fixing this.  I cried for months and at times, still do.  I could make it through the work day, but I would break down the moment I got home and into my room.  The times I break down are far less frequent, but still find myself tearing up when I least expect it.  There will be times ahead for you when you feel lost and alone, at least for me, I did.  I have kids and try to stay busy with them, but they can not replace your loss.  There were times I didnt think I would make it through loosing her and didnt care if I did or not.  Those feelings change as well.  Melanie and I loved to go hiking.  I havent been since she died.  I dont want to go without her.  I found ti hard to a lot of things early on without, even a trip to the grocer store was dificult.  We always went together. 

This web site has helped me out a good bit.  Just knowing there are people who ave gone or are going through the same thing, helps. 

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It is indeed good to have a place to go to where you can know you are heard and understood...society sure doesn't do a very good job of it!

 

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Hey KayC

Without sounding too Cynical, from years of experience I find society generally dosn't care, or want to get involved, or understand.

 

Ritchie

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We married somewhat young and had 33 years together. It still doesn't seem real but I know that surviving this is what she would want. I don't want to, but I know she's watching me and the kids and the grandkids. We were each other's strength and I'm certain she's counting on me. 

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claribassist13
On July 30, 2016 at 7:40 PM, BigKev said:

3 weeks tonight, seems like yesterday, seems like a long time ago. 

You will find that time will pass on a way that makes it seem like your love has been gone so long and yet it seems that only yesterday you found out that they were gone. 

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18 hours ago, Ritchie_uk said:

ithout sounding too Cynical, from years of experience I find society generally dosn't care, or want to get involved, or understand.

Exactly, my point!  It's not cynical, it's realistic.

That's why we have this forum. :)

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BigKev,

You're heading in the right direction, you will know inside yourself each step of the way.

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Moved some of her things out this evening, Katie came by and organized things and some of my sons moved the stuff. Going to store it at my warehouse for a bit till I decide which direction to go in. That was difficult but something I thought that needed to be done. Not a lot, a few pieces of furniture and clothing. I still feel like I'm deserting her but if I'm going to do this, then I need to take a step or two and see what's in front of me. It's hard to explain. Baby steps. I really don't want to survive this, I don't want to move forward at all but she is still my strength and I don't want to let her down. I'll wake up tomorrow and take another step

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Hey BigKev

You have done well today, and very tough also.

It took me 10 years to clear out, so you have done amazingly well.

I'm pleased to hear that you didn't do it totally alone physically, as Katie and you're sons helped out.

Its interesting that you mention the " Deserting her " thought, as that has really got me thinking.

You're not letting anybody down, if anything it sounds like you are a great strength to you're family.

When I lost my friend 2 years ago,he supported everybody and was the Rock for everybody.

 

The Baby steps is so true, as every Journey takes the first step.

 

BigKev, I wish there was more I could do for you.

Actually thinking about it, you have shown me a good side of humanity.

 

Hang in there Brother

 

Ritchie

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Storing things until you have clarity as to what to do makes good sense.  I've seen people do something permanent too soon and regret it so it's good not to do something too soon that doesn't have an undo button.

For myself, it seemed to come to me what to do with George's things, little by little.  I kept his clothes that especially meant something to me and the rest went to Sponsors, an organization he had a heart for, he was always helping the down-and-out-ers.  I sold his car because I badly needed the money.  I gave his trailer to the person that sold his car for me at a great price.  It just came to me, little by little.  I found the practical in me sometimes clashed with the sentimental in me.  We have to listen to our heart's pace.

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claribassist13

I have to second KayC's advice. Don't rush into trying to remove her things. Store them out of sight if need be, but don't do anything with them until you are ready. In time you'll figure out what you want to do with them. 

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I truly felt the need to trade her car in. It wasn't a money thing, I just could not round the corner to our house and still see her car parked in the driveway. It was killing me. It was torture to do it but I knew it was the right thing to do. No regrets there. Hard physical work has been a big help so far, I own a moving company and have been out with the crews lately. It occupies my mind and the work is tiring, helps me sleep. I've been getting my accounts in order, life insurance upped and my attorney is rewriting my will so that our kids don't get hammered when I pass. i even tried my hand at cooking some dinner. It was eaten so I guess I did okay. Thanks for being here guys, it truly helps. I hope someday I have the strength to help another.........

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claribassist13
46 minutes ago, BigKev said:

 Thanks for being here guys, it truly helps. I hope someday I have the strength to help another.........

You'll find that you help people without realizing it. What we are going through really opens our eyes to so many things, and that expresses itself in many different ways. 

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Hey BigKev

You don't need to thank us.

Just to see you making small steps is encouraging.

But, we are here to try and catch you if you stumble.

 

Bless You.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a Question, if anybody knows the answer to.

Does anybody know why when I type my Text it is so far apart? ( The Line spacing I mean )

It looks ridiculous  lol

 

Thanks

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claribassist13
4 hours ago, Ritchie_uk said:

Hey BigKev

You don't need to thank us.

Just to see you making small steps is encouraging.

But, we are here to try and catch you if you stumble.

 

Bless You.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a Question, if anybody knows the answer to.

Does anybody know why when I type my Text it is so far apart? ( The Line spacing I mean )

It looks ridiculous  lol

 

Thanks

If you press enter after every line, the text will situate itself like this. It could also depend on the device you are using to access this website. I would try pressing "shift" and then "enter" if you want your text on different lines. It will make separate lines without all the space. 

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Got way to tired tonight, I need to watch out for that. It's been a long running tradition that the family goes to the county fair this week just to look around and eat food that we shouldn't. I was hesitant to go but thought maybe it might be okay. Grandkids had fun and that made it all worthwhile but as I was leaving I started to reminisce and got all choked up. I'm glad I went but leaving was tough, just tired and tired equals emotional. I'm still looking into group counseling but so far nothing available. So you guys are my group. I hear you when you say no need for thanks, but I need to say it so apologies in advance, and thank you.

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Hey BigKev

You are brave, and i'm saying that because you are trying to get some type of routine back in you're life again, like going to the " county fair "
I couldn't even step 30 miles away from a friends back in 2006 .
Too many painful memories.

Group counselling can help

in the UK, I went to my Doctor and then got 6 free sessions, and it went from there.
I just did some research for Grief counselling in Pennsylvania USA and many want to charge.
If you need me to find out for you, just let me know.

The Mind and Body are linked.
The mind can sometimes be our enemy.
it's is actually protecting us and trying to make sense of our environment.
Remember when I mentioned the Plane, as for a plane to safety land there are so much computerised analysis that need to come into play.

I guess its like the Fire, Heat and Fuel Triangle, that if you take 1 away there is no fire.
So being tired will make you feel emotionally vulnerable.

It took me a long time, but the breakthrough came when I started accepting situations in my life of deep loss. ( Childhood losses )
I was so angry, and that caused depression.

One of my Clients has 2 Autistic Kids, but we had a breakthrough, with one of the boys when he realised his feelings and emotions were being
validated.

He actually Physically attacked me.
I approached him and told him, I am not angry with him, and I care.

Why am I saying this?
Just to prove that often not being able to translate or understand pain and emotions can be frustrating.
By you vocalising is helpful for yourself, and I hope many others.

BigKev, you are very astute and able to clearly move forward and think logically.
My guess from what you are saying is that you have a " Logical and Analytical " mind

I have waffled long enough.

Bless you.
 

 

 

 

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