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I just don't know what to do


BigKev

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21 hours ago, BigKev said:

I'm still looking into group counseling but so far nothing available.

I hope something opens up soon! 

It must have been hard taking your grandkids to the fair, but you braved it, emotion and all!

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Other than my parents, brother and sister, my closest relatives lived 1500 miles away. I had no real relationship with any of my grandparents or cousins. Most of them have stayed out west. All of our children and grandchildren live within a few miles of each other. Laurie was VERY close to all seven grandkids and I know for certain that she would want me to continue that. I will willingly sacrifice my well being for them. Along with that, I know that they need to see me live, at least as long as I'm alive. I don't want to be here, I don't want to continue this. I'm ready to go right now. But that isn't in the cards that I've been dealt. I don't think I've been putting on a false facade for them. They see my emotions, they see me breakdown, they see me fall to pieces.........and they stand me back up and gently nudge me forward. 

I have no idea what lies ahead of me but I know what's behind me, and that gives me the strength to take  one more baby step, tomorrow.

My most sincere thoughts and prayers are with you all, as well as my thanks...........

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You're setting a good example for them.  We can't control everything that happens in life but it's a choice we make, to go on in the face of it.  They will remember this when they go through hard places.  They will also get out of this that their grandfather cares for them.

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One step forward five steps backward today. I got a call this afternoon with the autopsy report. Just hearing all that destroyed me once again today. I just lost it outside the office. I'll try again tomorrow, giving up and letting her down would destroy me more. Maybe someday I'll want to live for me but right now I just can't muster that strength. I miss her face...........

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Hello everybody... Sorry for your losses... My name is Sergio...

The love of my life (Josh) passed away three weeks ago. The pain is so much! I have been trying to escape from this... Distracting my mind in other things, but honestly there is no way for me to smile again. I had a relationship with my partner for only six months and I knew him as if we have been together for years. He wanted to marry me and was making plans for the future, but he was too sick and was pain killer´s dependent (He had two autoimmune diseases and had scar tissue damage on his legs). I did not care about all his health issues, we were fighting together against all that. Now, I understand all the pain and the hell he was going through and I have a little bit of peace because he is not hurting anymore. Although, everything I´ve said I feel alone and I´m hurting so bad every time I think about him. It feels as a part of you is dead, I don´t want to do anything. We talked a lot about him dying. He wanted me to be happy and move on, but I can´t. Just yesterday I got a message of one of his friends telling me that he told him I was the best he could asked for... That just broke my heart into pieces and is killing me every day... I´m tired of be crying but I cannot help it...

I´m 29 years old and I´m counting the years that I need to be in pain in this earth without him. I really want to see him again and it is hard for me because I don´t believe in anything. I´m so desperate to believe in something and have hope that someday I´m gonna see him again an be reunited. It is so hard to think right now...  It just hurts...

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Serch,

This is a duplicate post, I responded to the first one you posted.

 

BigKev,

I'm sorry your day was so rough, that had to be hard. :(

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Kay, you have walked this road before me and I value you words. Today was a better day than yesterday. The triggers are becoming somewhat clearer but sometimes they just can't be avoided. I don't welcome the emotional outbursts, but I'm tired of fighting them. If people around me can't accept that, well then fug em. Let tomorrow bring what it may.....

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BigKev,

I'm glad today was better than yesterday.  That seems how it is, ups and downs, it's really a roller coaster ride in the early years until we get more used to it, and even then, the triggers can really catch us off guard.  We do learn to recognize them as such though and go with the flow...cry if we feel the need, ride it out.
Your attitude is right, like I said (somewhere on here), I learned to grow some moxie when George died!

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Productive day. Put myself on auto-pilot. Cut the grass, weeded and watered the garden, cooked dinner and did a load of laundry. Small accomplishments but big for me. Sad and lonely, but I got through the day. I still miss her face terribly. 

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One month today. I let myself get ambushed by some emotions today but felt I dealt with them better. I cried when I needed to cry and walked away when I needed to. It felt better than holding it in. It wasn't a scene, it was just me dealing with things. I felt okay after that. I did find a grief group in the area that's starts a new session next month, I'm going to muster up the courage to check that out. I don't think it could hurt so what the heck, I need to see and talk to people that have been where I'm at and where I'm heading. This is the hardest thing I've ever done but if if I have to live then I'm going to live..............

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claribassist13
3 hours ago, BigKev said:

One month today. I let myself get ambushed by some emotions today but felt I dealt with them better. I cried when I needed to cry and walked away when I needed to. It felt better than holding it in. It wasn't a scene, it was just me dealing with things. I felt okay after that. I did find a grief group in the area that's starts a new session next month, I'm going to muster up the courage to check that out. I don't think it could hurt so what the heck, I need to see and talk to people that have been where I'm at and where I'm heading. This is the hardest thing I've ever done but if if I have to live then I'm going to live..............

It's good that you are making the effort to help yourself. You still have a long, long way to go. Don't give up!

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BigKev,

I like your attitude!  And I'm glad you found a group and are going to try it out tomorrow.  Good luck to you, let us know how it goes!

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The group doesn't start till the middle of September but I think if I don't dwell on going I may be able to just get up and walk in there, the thought of it scares me but  I'll do what I can. I've been meeting with insurance agents the last few days and that kinda got me wound up but I can get through that part. I see my attorney next week to finish up my will. That's actually a big relief for me, I shouldn't need to address that again in for at least 8 years. When my mom died she had everything prepared for me to handle her estate and it made it so much smoother, I wanted to do that so my kids would have as little as possible to worry about. 

In the last 4 years I have lost my dad, mom, sister in law and now my wife. Each one hit me differently, the latest having torn me limb from limb. I may be bloodied and beaten, but I'm going to keep on going. I either walk through this or I die trying. I don't want to be here but this is where I am. Thanks for listening guys, more baby steps..............

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claribassist13
On 8/5/2016 at 7:38 PM, BigKev said:

One step forward five steps backward today. I got a call this afternoon with the autopsy report. 

They called you with the results? That's unusual. 
The autopsy results for my fiance were mailed to his family. That allowed them to choose whether or not they wanted to read them. 

I'm sorry that convenience was not given to you. I chose to read the autopsy report, but that was my choice. I feel strongly that people should be given that choice. 

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22 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

They called you with the results? That's unusual. 
The autopsy results for my fiance were mailed to his family. That allowed them to choose whether or not they wanted to read them. 

I'm sorry that convenience was not given to you. I chose to read the autopsy report, but that was my choice. I feel strongly that people should be given that choice. 

claribassist13,  

That's right people should have the choice whether they want to see the results or not. In my case I didn't ask my boyfriends family to let me see them. I think they would allowe me to, but I don't know if I want to. There are to many  details I don't know and honestly I don't know if I want to know.  I'm afraid it would mess me up more than I am right now.  Some times I think I should know in order to get some closure but  I'm affraid of knowing.   I am not in a good spot right now. i didn't see his car after the accident, I didn't see him at the morgue, but some times I have nightmares about the accident and it's very painful . I wish I was Stronger but I'm not. 

 

 

 

 

 

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velvettuberose
42 minutes ago, green7 said:

claribassist13,  

That's right people should have the choice whether they want to see the results or not. In my case I didn't ask my boyfriends family to let me see them. I think they would allowe me to, but I don't know if I want to. There are to many  details I don't know and honestly I don't know if I want to know.  I'm afraid it would mess me up more than I am right now.  Some times I think I should know in order to get some closure but  I'm affraid of knowing.   I am not in a good spot right now. i didn't see his car after the accident, I didn't see him at the morgue, but some times I have nightmares about the accident and it's very painful . I wish I was Stronger but I'm not. 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, that is tough...autopsy report...I did not have to deal with that since the medical examiner did not perform an autopsy on my husband's body. It was very obvious from the ER records that it was a massive heart attack. I will be requesting his medical records from that night. I'll have my father who is a retired ER/trauma physician help me understand it better. Still...I am dragging my feet because I know it will be painful for me. But I need to be aware of what happened.

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I understand, sometimes I think I need to know that happened that horrible night. But at the same time I'm afraid. I don't like to think about my love suffering, I've been told he died instantly and he didn't suffer but just knowing how bad and horrible the accident was brakes my heart. Monday it will be four months  and I feel like I'm going backwards. I can't find peace, closure, I am still so furious. I'm mad at God for allowing him to die, I think life is not fair and mostly  I am mad at me for not making him stay at my place that horrible night. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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claribassist13
4 hours ago, green7 said:

 Some times I think I should know in order to get some closure but  I'm affraid of knowing.   I am not in a good spot right now. i didn't see his car after the accident, I didn't see him at the morgue, but some times I have nightmares about the accident and it's very painful . I wish I was Stronger but I'm not. 

green7, 

You certainly should not feel guilty about not seeing his car or his body after the accident. I saw both of those things, and it makes my dreams all too realistic at times. 
With the nature of my fiance's accident, there wasn't a clear cause of the accident. I chose to read the autopsy report to see if an analysis of his injuries would shed some light on what had happened. Naturally, the results were not enlightening in that respect. I could already imagine what my fiance looked like when he was hit (based upon how his car looked, knowing how he was hit, and thinking through the physics involved in the crash), and I knew it was bad when we were only allowed to see part of his left arm. Reading the autopsy report confirmed everything I had though and set the picture firmly in my mind. It's not something I would ever wish on someone who was not prepared to handle it. It is difficult being able to clearly picture how broken my fiance was.

You cannot ask yourself to be stronger than you already are. It is hard enough to deal with such a tragic and sudden loss without knowing all the intimate details as well. Perhaps not knowing will help in your healing process. You won't have to battle those images/memories. 
You have to do what is best for yourself.   

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6 weeks. Work seems to be getting me through the day though coming home is still very hard to do but necessary. I've learned to do laundry, have cooked a few meals, can lumber my way through cleaning the house and had a panic attack in Sam's Club because I couldn't find the cat food. 

I'll soon have to head back out on the road and I dread that. I'm spending way to much time worrying about that but just can't get over the hump. This is going to be tough but I have to try, my livelihood and that of family depends on it. Survive or die trying, either way works for me.

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15 hours ago, BigKev said:

Survive or die trying, either way works for me.

That's a good way to look at it, what do you have to lose by trying?  I'm sorry you had a panic attack, not fun, although common in grief.

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Rough weekend, just kinda sucked all around. Got a lot done but had a few breakdowns, just feel emotionally drained. Looking forward to a busy week of work, I guess I'm starting to hate the weekends.........back to baby steps

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Weekends were really hard for me too because that was the time we spent together, during the workweek we focused on work.  We LIVED for the weekends, so when he died, it changed that completely for me.  A day at a time...

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On August 21, 2016 at 9:03 PM, BigKev said:

Rough weekend, just kinda sucked all around. Got a lot done but had a few breakdowns, just feel emotionally drained. Looking forward to a busy week of work, I guess I'm starting to hate the weekends.........back to baby steps

 
Hi BigKev
Sometimes baby steps are all we can take. And just like Babies we fall. I too hate the weekends & I'm so not looking forward to the long weekend we have coming. You aren't alone. Just take it second by second minute by minute hour by hour.  
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On August 21, 2016 at 9:03 PM, BigKev said:

Rough weekend, just kinda sucked all around. Got a lot done but had a few breakdowns, just feel emotionally drained. Looking forward to a busy week of work, I guess I'm starting to hate the weekends.........back to baby steps

Hi BigKev,

Sometimes baby steps are all we can take. And just like Babies we fall. I too hate the weekends & I'm so not looking forward to the long weekend we have coming. You aren't alone. Just take it second by second minute by minute hour by hour.  

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lost my soul mate
On ‎7‎/‎25‎/‎2016 at 9:04 PM, BigKev said:

Thanks. I have a lot of family trying to help and they've been a blessing but I feel so guilty about needing help. I've always considered myself a strong man but this just broke me. I haven't been able to find a support group so I figured I just reach out and see if someone was here. Thanks for answering me

I'm In three weeks tomorrow, I know how you feel. you can chat with me.

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Hi BigKev

I hope you are doing Ok?
Folks have been in my thoughts, and I have been watching the posts but not commented for a week or 2.

I really Hope other Folks are feeling supported, in here and not so isolated.

Recently at work I had to deal with an attempted suicide, but thank God the person failed.
It makes me realise more and more, how important Mental Health is.

Someone was saying on Facebook that its Mental Health Week.

Take care one and all.

All my Love
 

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2 hours ago, lost my soul mate said:

I'm In three weeks tomorrow, I know how you feel. you can chat with me.

I'm sorry you're going through it too.  Perhaps you may want to share more at some point, if so, we're here to listen.  (((hugs)))

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I'm muddling my way through, I can't say it has gotten easier but it has gotten a little different. I find that I sometimes feel a little less sorry for myself and sometimes a nice memory passes through. I still concentrate my efforts on not letting her down and that helps me fight my way through some of the  crap I face. I guess whatever works to get you through the day................

8 hours ago, lost my soul mate said:

I'm In three weeks tomorrow, I know how you feel. you can chat with me.

I too am here for you and am terribly sorry for your loss. Just reach out if you feel the need, I might be able to help. If nothing else, I will hear you and you'll know you're not alone..................

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7 hours ago, Ritchie_uk said:

Hi BigKev

I hope you are doing Ok?
Folks have been in my thoughts, and I have been watching the posts but not commented for a week or 2.

I really Hope other Folks are feeling supported, in here and not so isolated.

Recently at work I had to deal with an attempted suicide, but thank God the person failed.
It makes me realise more and more, how important Mental Health is.

Someone was saying on Facebook that its Mental Health Week.

Take care one and all.

All my Love
 

This place really has turned into my sanctuary, I feel safe speaking my mind and am comfortable. I hate that we are all here, but am thankful that kindness and humanity still exist. 

Ritchie, my arrival here seems like a distant memory and also seems like only yesterday. I think I'm doing okay. I'm going to survive this or die trying, I'll take it either way.

You doin okay brother ?

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Hey BigKev,

You're arrival will help many, even tho you don't realise it.
Keep receiving, support, and help, as long as you need it.

I'm doing really good, thanks for asking, I havn't always been tho.

We do get through it, and the only time we don't is when we decide to give up.

And yes I tried giving up a few times, as I coudn't take it, even tho sometimes it felt I was hanging on the cliff edge, by my fingertips.
Good does come out of awful situations, but just now ride the Storm Brother.

Are you getting any support yet?

Take Care Brother.

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No additional outside support yet, but my kids and their families keep me on the straight and narrow. There is a group starting up in the next few weeks that I want to become a part of but I'm not sure if I'll be able to. Work will be taking me to Las Vegas and then to NYC  so I'll miss the first week or two but my plan is to make contact with them. I'm entering my busy season and hopefully my mind and body can handle all the time on the road but I have to give it a shot. It's an unknown but l have said from the start, I will live or die trying. 

You have been helpful to me, my hope at this point is that my being here can possibly help another. I feel I owe that..............

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Hey BigKev

You owe nothing, other than armed with the painful experience you have gone through, you will know more of how to support somebody in the future.

Bless You

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I missed the first few weeks of a group starting up but one of my daughters in law thinks I should make contact and try it out. Working out on the road doesn't allow me a fixed schedule but even  if it's just a meeting or two it might help, I dunno. 

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BigKev,

It can't hurt.  Let them know about your work situation, maybe you can make it when you're there.

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I'm back on the road again but if I do get home and am able to make it to a meeting, I will go. It can't hurt, it might help and God knows I could use a lifeline right now. 

I am alone in a crowded room. I feel absolutely terrible that you folks are part of this message board, but I don't know what I'd do without you. I don't feel alone here.

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Jeff In Denver

Did you wind up going?  You're not alone.  I'm sorry that you're here, too, but you add a lot to the discussions.  Hang in there.

 

 

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