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Closing in on 6 Weeks


Jeff In Denver

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Jeff In Denver

When my father's wife died 4 months ago, he called me.  The first thing he did was ask about the weather here.  Then, when he told me about his wife, it was in the same tone of voice as when he mentioned the weather.  Since then, I haven't heard any sadness, etc., whenever he talked about her.   The other day he called and asked how I was.  "Not too good, thanks."   "Really, what's wrong?"  "Um, I lost my girlfriend."  Well, I didn't say that, but...   So different.

Me?  I feel shipwrecked.  I think about my girlfriend all the time.  Mornings when I first wake up are the worst.  I have talked with grief counselors, other people, friends, etc.  I'll talk with everyone who will listen.  

I have a next door neighbor (really - her front door is right next to mine)  from Scotland who was friends with Mila and kind of with me, although I never really liked her.  She lived alone and we helped her out when she was sad or really trashed.  The sicker Mila became, the more distant my neighbor was.  Toward the end she hooked up with a live-in boyfriend and  wasn't around at all. Right after I lost Mila, I told her that I wanted (needed!) to talk with her.  She had me buy her an expensive coffee at a cool shop up the street.  It helped to talk.  Two weeks ago she e-mailed me about something and asked how I was doing.   She had two small pictures from Peru that Mila had given her, and she wanted to give them back to me.  I didn't like that.  I wrote back and said that I wasn't doing well, and wanted to talk to her.  She ignored me.  You really find out who your friends are (and aren't).

I have previously mentioned that, oddly, a bird had recently built a nest over my front door.  Sometimes she flies so close to me that I can feel the air move.  Once she perched on the porch railing and looked at me.  I have to wonder if that's any kind of a sign.

I feel that this has stripped me down to the core.  No exterior layers, no swagger, I'm nicer to people, I have a diminished (but not absent)  sense of humor, and am very vulnerable.  It's just me.

I have met a few women, and I have told them exactly what I am going through.  A Taiwanese woman I have been hanging with let me pour my heart out to her last night.  She really sees what I am dealing with and knows how much I love Mila.  It helped.  But no matter what I do or say, Mila is not with me.  I can't do anything about that.  You know what that's like.

I keep hearing people tell me that God loves me.  I ask them what he would have done to me if he hates me.  Yes, I know that things can get worse, but this pretty much does it for me.

  

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claribassist13

Jeff, 

6 weeks is a bit of a turning point. You've gotten past that first month, but from here out out reality begins to set in. 
At 6 weeks in I had already begun classes again and was quickly realizing that school was not going to be the distraction I thought it would be. I had several severe breakdowns and was escorted to a triage counselor by campus security. At this point, the shock of what happened began to fade away and I had a first taste of how permanent my fiance's situation was. 
The same thing is/will happen to you. The shock will begin to wear off bit by bit and the utter permanency and finality of the situation will really start to kick in. We all know that death is final, and we know that all the time, but there is something about the six week mark that really drives it home. 

Some people can put on a great mask. You'd never know that they were suffering. I do the same thing, so I can understand how your father is reacting. Other people wear their hearts on their sleeves (like you) and have the incredible emotional strength (for lack of a better word) to show all of that pain. There is no wrong way to display grief or to grieve unless you are simply burying it. As long as you are dealing with it and your emotions, then grieve the way you need to. Grief has a profound way to stripping us to our very core. It's like that saying where you don't know how strong you can be until it's all you have left. We have no idea some of the things we are capable of and capable of withstanding until we are forced to do so. It leaves us with a clearly different perspective and allows us to see through people and things. 

We truly do find out who cares when this happens. We see which people are really there and which ones fade. It's a dangerous realization though. Eventually everyone else must go on with their lives, and our grief gets to a point that most people cannot bear to see. What we are feeling is many people's worst nightmares. To know that this kind of suffering is possible is frightening. People choose to look away when reality threatens their blessed bubbles. 

No, Mila is not physically with you. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I personally feel that our loved ones are with us in spirit. Even if you are not spiritual/emotional, we carry the memory of them within us. In a muted way, they live on still. They are with us always, just never in the way we want them to be. 
As for God, you'll have to deal with those questions in your own time. No one can answer those for you, and as you begin the recognize the person you are becoming you will be able to look at those views again and adjust as necessary. 

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claribassist answered you well, not much to add to that.  We can try to create diversions but in the end we're left alone to deal with the changes it means for us, and how much we miss them.

Your experience with the neighbor is kind of typical of how disappointed we can be with people.  They truly don't know how to respond and they seem to come up with a lot of wrong ways to respond to us!  :wacko:

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velvettuberose
9 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

When my father's wife died 4 months ago, he called me.  The first thing he did was ask about the weather here.  Then, when he told me about his wife, it was in the same tone of voice as when he mentioned the weather.  Since then, I haven't heard any sadness, etc., whenever he talked about her.   The other day he called and asked how I was.  "Not too good, thanks."   "Really, what's wrong?"  "Um, I lost my girlfriend."  Well, I didn't say that, but...   So different.

Me?  I feel shipwrecked.  I think about my girlfriend all the time.  Mornings when I first wake up are the worst.  I have talked with grief counselors, other people, friends, etc.  I'll talk with everyone who will listen.  

I have a next door neighbor (really - her front door is right next to mine)  from Scotland who was friends with Mila and kind of with me, although I never really liked her.  She lived alone and we helped her out when she was sad or really trashed.  The sicker Mila became, the more distant my neighbor was.  Toward the end she hooked up with a live-in boyfriend and  wasn't around at all. Right after I lost Mila, I told her that I wanted (needed!) to talk with her.  She had me buy her an expensive coffee at a cool shop up the street.  It helped to talk.  Two weeks ago she e-mailed me about something and asked how I was doing.   She had two small pictures from Peru that Mila had given her, and she wanted to give them back to me.  I didn't like that.  I wrote back and said that I wasn't doing well, and wanted to talk to her.  She ignored me.  You really find out who your friends are (and aren't).

I have previously mentioned that, oddly, a bird had recently built a nest over my front door.  Sometimes she flies so close to me that I can feel the air move.  Once she perched on the porch railing and looked at me.  I have to wonder if that's any kind of a sign.

I feel that this has stripped me down to the core.  No exterior layers, no swagger, I'm nicer to people, I have a diminished (but not absent)  sense of humor, and am very vulnerable.  It's just me.

I have met a few women, and I have told them exactly what I am going through.  A Taiwanese woman I have been hanging with let me pour my heart out to he last night.  She really sees what I am dealing with and knows how much I love Mila.  It helped.  But no matter what I do or say, Mila is not with me.  I can't do anything about that.  You know what that's like.

I keep hearing people tell me that God loves me.  I ask them what he would have done to me if he hates me.  Yes, I know that things can get worse, but this pretty much does it for me.

  

Hi, Jeff!

I am sorry that you are feeling so much pain. I don't want to start with a bunch of nonsense. No words can alleviate it. Unfortunately...

As far as so-called friends, I gave up on having any expectations from them as far as support is concerned. My best friends and my parents from Europe...the rest...they have returned to their lives. 

In my opinion, they feel uncomfortable around us. 

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Thinking of you Jeff.  Hang in there as best you can.  Since I've moved back to our home, it has been lonely and depressing.  Its hard...

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Jeff In Denver

Thank you all.  It means a lot to me.  Claribassist13, I feel so bad knowing that you had to get emergency help for your loss.  That is powerful grief.  It's horrible that you have to deal with that.

That's interesting what you said about the 6-week mark. Pretty accurate, I'd say, too.

I have never been a spiritual person.  Just the opposite.  But, as I may have mentioned, I am now.  I talk to her picture a lot and am actually looking into hiring a medium.   In the book "The Light Between Us," they mention the Forever Family Foundation - https://www.foreverfamilyfoundation.org/ .  I have been in touch with one of the people there and I am starting to believe that there is more to all this than we might know. Anyway, I will pursue that.  Why not?  It's my only chance to see if there is a way for us to communicate.

 

 

 

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velvettuberose
55 minutes ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Thank you all.  It means a lot to me.  Claribassist13, I feel so bad knowing that you had to get emergency help for your loss.  That is powerful grief.  It's horrible that you have to deal with that.

That's interesting what you said about the 6-week mark. Pretty accurate, I'd say, too.

I have never been a spiritual person.  Just the opposite.  But, as I may have mentioned, I am now.  I talk to her picture a lot and am actually looking into hiring a medium.   In the book "The Light Between Us," they mention the Forever Family Foundation - https://www.foreverfamilyfoundation.org/ .  I have been in touch with one of the people there and I am starting to believe that there is more to all this than we might know. Anyway, I will pursue that.  Why not?  It's my only chance to see if there is a way for us to communicate.

 

 

 

Try Bill Philipps. I have made an appointment with him for a reading, but it will be in August of 2017 as he is sought by many people. Give it a try. I watched an interview with him on YouTube and it seemed like a genuine person to me. 

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I've been to a psychic before and I was told that I carry this bad energy and that is the reason why I cannot have a "long term" relationship.  She told me that I need to meditate out the "bad energy" for a small charge.  Do you really believe that stuff or do you think its a way to make quick money from people who are gullible?  I wonder sometimes because I went to this psychic before I met Adam and then suddenly he passed away?? Am I cursed?!

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velvettuberose
38 minutes ago, Krantz said:

I've been to a psychic before and I was told that I carry this bad energy and that is the reason why I cannot have a "long term" relationship.  She told me that I need to meditate out the "bad energy" for a small charge.  Do you really believe that stuff or do you think its a way to make quick money from people who are gullible?  I wonder sometimes because I went to this psychic before I met Adam and then suddenly he passed away?? Am I cursed?!

Usually, a psychic medium will create the bridge between you and your deceased loved one. They bring whatever messages your loved one has for you. Maybe that person was reading into your energy field. 

I don't think that Adam's passing has anything to do with what that medium told you. Don't blame yourself for his death. You are not cursed.

Medically speaking, deaths by heart attack are very common and sometimes the people who suffer them whether they die or not hardly have any symptoms. Unless they were diagnosed before with a heart disease. 

My husband had high blood pressure, but it was controlled through medication. After he passed I discovered that he had a heart disease called coronary artery disease which was not diagnosed because he refused to go to a cardiologist. He said he felt fine and the doctor who examined him after he died told me that Walter was in an excellent physical shape. 

It is not your fault. Don't think like that. Whereas it is tragic because it is sudden, we do not have any control over it. It took me almost 6 months to realize that it was nothing I could do. I am just glad ( if I could say that) I was with Walter when it happened. He was not alone and that brings me a tiny amount of comfort. It could have happened while he was driving or when he was alone. That would have been beyond devastating for me. 

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claribassist13
2 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Claribassist13, I feel so bad knowing that you had to get emergency help for your loss.  That is powerful grief.  It's horrible that you have to deal with that.

 I have been in touch with one of the people there and I am starting to believe that there is more to all this than we might know. Anyway, I will pursue that.  Why not?  It's my only chance to see if there is a way for us to communicate.

Jeff, I mention that experience not to garner pity or to make you feel bad. I mentioned it merely to illustrate my point in the fact that reality hits hard at the six week mark.

If you think it will help you, then I say go for it! The worst that can happen is that it doesn't the way you thought it would. 

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Jeff In Denver
4 hours ago, Krantz said:

I've been to a psychic before and I was told that I carry this bad energy and that is the reason why I cannot have a "long term" relationship.  She told me that I need to meditate out the "bad energy" for a small charge.  Do you really believe that stuff or do you think its a way to make quick money from people who are gullible?  I wonder sometimes because I went to this psychic before I met Adam and then suddenly he passed away?? Am I cursed?!

I doubt you're cursed.  You sound like a good person who has been through some horrendous experiences. This psychic sounds like a charlatan, to be honest

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Jeff In Denver
2 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

Jeff, I mention that experience not to garner pity or to make you feel bad. I mentioned it merely to illustrate my point in the fact that reality hits hard at the six week mark.

If you think it will help you, then I say go for it! The worst that can happen is that it doesn't the way you thought it would. 

Claribassist13,  we're good - I totally understand.

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velvettuberose
2 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

Jeff, I mention that experience not to garner pity or to make you feel bad. I mentioned it merely to illustrate my point in the fact that reality hits hard at the six week mark.

If you think it will help you, then I say go for it! The worst that can happen is that it doesn't the way you thought it would. 

For me, reality is hitting hard now because I am realizing that Walter is not coming back. And I am supposed the live my life without him. At the 6-week mark, I  was still in shock and not feeling the full force of grief. But I was crying every single day.

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16 hours ago, velvettuberose said:

Usually, a psychic medium will create the bridge between you and your deceased loved one. They bring whatever messages your loved one has for you. Maybe that person was reading into your energy field. 

I don't think that Adam's passing has anything to do with what that medium told you. Don't blame yourself for his death. You are not cursed.

Medically speaking, deaths by heart attack are very common and sometimes the people who suffer them whether they die or not hardly have any symptoms. Unless they were diagnosed before with a heart disease. 

My husband had high blood pressure, but it was controlled through medication. After he passed I discovered that he had a heart disease called coronary artery disease which was not diagnosed because he refused to go to a cardiologist. He said he felt fine and the doctor who examined him after he died told me that Walter was in an excellent physical shape. 

It is not your fault. Don't think like that. Whereas it is tragic because it is sudden, we do not have any control over it. It took me almost 6 months to realize that it was nothing I could do. I am just glad ( if I could say that) I was with Walter when it happened. He was not alone and that brings me a tiny amount of comfort. It could have happened while he was driving or when he was alone. That would have been beyond devastating for me. 

Thank you so much for reassuring that I'm not cursed.  Its been bothering me thinking if I wasn't in his life, he would be still alive.  I miss him dearly.  Since I moved back home, the house has been quiet and its not the same anymore.  Our dog Pede has been helping me tremendously with keeping me company.  The psychic who did my reading used the tarot cards then told me at the end that I carry a bad energy.  Of course I told her my stories, I think I was a easy target to convince me. 

I often wondered what caused him to have a heart attack.  I'm tempted to get the autopsy report, but what difference does it make, he's not returning..  We took care of ourselves and ate healthy.  Still blows my mind that this happened and at 32.

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12 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

I doubt you're cursed.  You sound like a good person who has been through some horrendous experiences. This psychic sounds like a charlatan, to be honest

Thank you so much Jeff.  I really hope this psychic is a charlatan.  I did tell her my stories before she gave me a tarot card reading.  Maybe I was an easy target??

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I don't think you're cursed either.  To die of a heart attack when you're so young and healthy seems there must have been a heart defect that they hadn't realized before.  It was no fault of him or you either one, you're just left dealing with the aftermath.  I'm so sorry!  I don't put a lot of stock by tarot cards but that's just me.  I'm sure all readers are not the same.

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't think you're cursed either.  To die of a heart attack when you're so young and healthy seems there must have been a heart defect that they hadn't realized before.  It was no fault of him or you either one, you're just left dealing with the aftermath.  I'm so sorry!  I don't put a lot of stock by tarot cards but that's just me.  I'm sure all readers are not the same.

Thank you KayC.  His family and I were thinking the same thing or the pre-existing condition he battled years ago (eosinophilic fasciitis) did damaged to his heart overtime when he was sick since that was a very rare autoimmune disorder.  Adam went through several doctors and all but 1 doctor figured out a way to treat him.  Apparently there were only 300 cases since 1974.  Since there isn't much research done on this condition, who knows the long-term effects of the body.  That's why we think its bizarre how young he was.  I'm trying not to blame myself.. 

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velvettuberose
26 minutes ago, Krantz said:

Thank you KayC.  His family and I were thinking the same thing or the pre-existing condition he battled years ago (eosinophilic fasciitis) did damaged to his heart overtime when he was sick since that was a very rare autoimmune disorder.  Adam went through several doctors and all but 1 doctor figured out a way to treat him.  Apparently there were only 300 cases since 1974.  Since there isn't much research done on this condition, who knows the long-term effects of the body.  That's why we think its bizarre how young he was.  I'm trying not to blame myself.. 

Why would you blame yourself?

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32 minutes ago, velvettuberose said:

Why would you blame yourself?

I felt like I should've push him to go see a doctor when he wasn't feeling well 2 weeks prior to his death. I feel like if we were to get checked out, the heart attack would've been preventable.. 

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Jeff In Denver
1 hour ago, Krantz said:

I felt like I should've pus

h him to go see a doctor when he wasn't feeling well 2 weeks prior to his death. I feel like if we were to get checked out, the heart attack would've been preventable.. 

Your reaction is natural.

But please remember what I posted here about that:  "We beat ourselves up for not knowing something when we didn't know it."  You didn't purposely and indifferently ignore Adam's symptoms.   You had no way of knowing what was happening.  Most people only go to the doctor when they think there is something really wrong.  We tend to avoid going in general.  

The other thing is that you absolutely love Adam.  No question!  You acted accordingly.  If you had more reasons to be concerned you would have followed through.  But again you didn't have cause to.   Again, no question.

The "give yourself a break" and "forgive yourself" stuff sounds trite.  In your case, I hope you're able to do that.  You have a good heart.  Please remember that.

 

 

 

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i am so sorry for your loss- i lost my dad a year ago and honestly has been the hardest loss of my life as he is the closest person to me-  the best medium out there  is thomas john- i went to two spirit circles in NYC and he is incredible- even got through on abc radio and he knew my dads name and personal info -even jokes that my dad would tell me. If you do go to a medium go to the best- some of them are not good or some are fakes. He does go around the country and also you can listen to him on abc laura smith radio show above and beyond every sunday just to get an idea of what he does. I do know our loved ones go on but it does not make us miss them anymore. Also ask for signs from her. I know how the world feels surreal and how shocking it all is- grief is not something one can avoid or pretend it is not there

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velvettuberose
3 hours ago, Krantz said:

I felt like I should've push him to go see a doctor when he wasn't feeling well 2 weeks prior to his death. I feel like if we were to get checked out, the heart attack would've been preventable.. 

I went through the same thought process. My husband started to feel tightness in his chest 5 days prior to the heart attack. I believe  on New Year's Eve he had a pre-infarction. I wanted to call the EMS, but he did not want me too. He fainted last year in August and our PCP referred him to see a cardiologist. He refused. He was an adult. I couldn't grab his hand and take him to the doctor. I begged him to have further tests done. It was in vain.  He kept saying he felt fine. Maybe he was scared of what the doctors might have discovered. He was very independent. It would have been a nightmare  for Walter to depend on someone...hence me...to take care of him in case he had had a heart surgery.

When he passed away, the ER physician told him that even if we would have gone to the hospital 5 days prior, it was not a guarantee that they would have been able to "fix" him.

Walter had a pre-existing condition- high blood pressure- and that contributed to developing a heart disease.

So, do not BLAME yourself. Do not blame Adam. Like Jeff said, people don't like to go to the doctor. Heart diseases are difficult to diagnose and the procedures are invasive. 

See if you can get some information from the hospital regarding the report from the medical examiner. Maybe that will bring you a bit of comfort. 

And again, you are not CURSED. 

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4 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Your reaction is natural.

But please remember what I posted here about that:  "We beat ourselves up for not knowing something when we didn't know it."  You didn't purposely and indifferently ignore Adam's symptoms.   You had no way of knowing what was happening.  Most people only go to the doctor when they think there is something really wrong.  We tend to avoid going in general.  

The other thing is that you absolutely love Adam.  No question!  You acted accordingly.  If you had more reasons to be concerned you would have followed through.  But again you didn't have cause to.   Again, no question.

The "give yourself a break" and "forgive yourself" stuff sounds trite.  In your case, I hope you're able to do that.  You have a good heart.  Please remember that.

 

 

 

Thank you Jeff and you're absolutely right. I know in reality, I did everything I could at the time. I'm just not accepting his death. I'm just having a tough time and I miss him so much. It's not the same anymore.. I went to see an attorney today. I'm planning on dropping my middle name  and replacing it with his last name, to honor him. They say it will be hard if I were to change my last name and can cause confusion since we were not married. 

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1 hour ago, velvettuberose said:

I went through the same thought process. My husband started to feel tightness in his chest 5 days prior to the heart attack. I believe  on New Year's Eve he had a pre-infarction. I wanted to call the EMS, but he did not want me too. He fainted last year in August and our PCP referred him to see a cardiologist. He refused. He was an adult. I couldn't grab his hand and take him to the doctor. I begged him to have further tests done. It was in vain.  He kept saying he felt fine. Maybe he was scared of what the doctors might have discovered. He was very independent. It would have been a nightmare  for Walter to depend on someone...hence me...to take care of him in case he had had a heart surgery.

When he passed away, the ER physician told him that even if we would have gone to the hospital 5 days prior, it was not a guarantee that they would have been able to "fix" him.

Walter had a pre-existing condition- high blood pressure- and that contributed to developing a heart disease.

So, do not BLAME yourself. Do not blame Adam. Like Jeff said, people don't like to go to the doctor. Heart diseases are difficult to diagnose and the procedures are invasive. 

See if you can get some information from the hospital regarding the report from the medical examiner. Maybe that will bring you a bit of comfort. 

And again, you are not CURSED. 

Thank you so very much. I've been beating myself up with thinking I'm either cursed or could've done something to prevent his death. In reality, there's nothing I could have done to prevent it. Since I came into his life, his whole lifestyle changed in a good way. Before me, he ate junk food, lack of exercise, and was depressed. When he started dating me, he quit smoking, I cooked almost every night, and we exercised regularly. He lost weight over the months and was happy. Who knows if the lifestyle he had before me affected his health overtime. It's scary knowing that heart attacks could happen to anyone at anytime with no warnings. 

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velvettuberose
1 hour ago, Krantz said:

Thank you so very much. I've been beating myself up with thinking I'm either cursed or could've done something to prevent his death. In reality, there's nothing I could have done to prevent it. Since I came into his life, his whole lifestyle changed in a good way. Before me, he ate junk food, lack of exercise, and was depressed. When he started dating me, he quit smoking, I cooked almost every night, and we exercised regularly. He lost weight over the months and was happy. Who knows if the lifestyle he had before me affected his health overtime. It's scary knowing that heart attacks could happen to anyone at anytime with no warnings. 

You are welcome.

When you get into that state of guilt, remember that he was better health wise because you were in his life. Cherish that with all your heart. 

There is nothing you could have done. Adam couldn't have done anything. Sometimes, doctors are helpless when addressing this condition because it is so tricky.

Nobody knows what is going on inside our bodies. Heart attacks are unfortunate conditions because they occur suddenly even when people know they have a heart disease and it's controlled through medication and diet. That's why they are called the silent killer. Nothing prepares you for that. Having witnessed it first hand I can say that I am shocked for the rest of my life and a part of my brain blocked that shock when it happened. 

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claribassist13

Velvet, I can relate. I am feeling much worse/depressed now than I have been since my fiance's accident. 

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claribassist13
3 hours ago, Krantz said:

Thank you Jeff and you're absolutely right. I know in reality, I did everything I could at the time. I'm just not accepting his death. I'm just having a tough time and I miss him so much. It's not the same anymore.. I went to see an attorney today. I'm planning on dropping my middle name  and replacing it with his last name, to honor him. They say it will be hard if I were to change my last name and can cause confusion since we were not married. 

I think that is such a beautiful way to honor Adam. 
My fiance's family jokes that I might as well change my name. I don't think I ever could though. I don't think his family would really approve. 

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I don't think it'd be any harder to go through a judge to get your last name changed than through marriage.  If people feel the need to ask why, tell them it your way of honoring your deceased fiance, I think they'd understand.  Changing it on your records is a pain no matter when or why you do it, but you would have done it anyway had you married.

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Jeff In Denver

Velvettuberose nailed it, as usual.

Sorry, I was out drinking tonight, so if I say anything untoward, please accept my apologies in advance.

Every day is a gift.  Exceptional people who enter our lives are a gift.  There is no guarantee that they will be here tomorrow.  And it sucks when they're not.

A startling revelation: I can tell you that drinking is the answer!  (I don't know what the question is).  Okay, let's try this -  what will take away the pain for a while tonight?  Drinking, that's what!  And with someone special (fun, funny, or a good listener) it's divine.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Actually drinking is a depressant, so it's the answer if you want to feel worse.  It's not a lasting solution to anything!

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Jeff In Denver

I'm now up to 8 weeks.  You're right, KayC, but I feel better after a cold one, and not a lot worse after.  I have dialed that back, though.  It's not a solution.  I woke up at 4:30 this morning.  I am tired, but just feel bad overall thinking about her, and am crying for no immediate reason.  Wow, this is life now.  At work I find myself surfing the web and not doing much else.  I see the grief counselor tomorrow, but I don't see what good it's going to do.  Next week I see a psychologist.  I knew this would be hard, but not as bad as it is.  I'm sure you all are dealing with the same stuff.

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Well give the grief counselor and psychologist a chance, it can't hurt.  You say you're crying for no immediate reason...seems to me you have plenty of reason.  It's good to let yourself cry when you feel like it.  It's hard enough to hold it in at work (I used to excuse myself and go to the restroom when I felt the tears emerging)...my coworkers and boss knew to expect it now and then and were really good about it.  There's no way any of us could have imagined how hard it'd be.

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claribassist13
15 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

  I see the grief counselor tomorrow, but I don't see what good it's going to do.  Next week I see a psychologist.  I knew this would be hard, but not as bad as it is.  I'm sure you all are dealing with the same stuff.

It seems like a lot of people don't put much faith into grief counselors. Maybe my counselor is just freaking fantastic, but I really that I really benefit from seeing her. If nothing else, her office is a safe place to talk. I can talk to her about all the things I struggle with that I don't feel I can tell my parents, my fiance's parents, or my friends.

I would recommend attending 3-4 sessions before deciding to quit going. You'll also need to realize that sometime they are going to say things you don't want to hear. They say them because they have a better view of our situation than we do (at times). My counselor could see that I was beginning to fall into a severe depression and recommend that I go to see a psychiatrist.

They say the things we don't want to hear, because that is exactly what we need to hear. We can't always see how to care for ourselves. A grief counselor can help with that. 
Just don't go into your sessions with a crappy attitude. If you don't want the sessions to help, then they won't. A grief counselor can only help you as long as you want to help yourself. It's hard sometimes to want to change anything. My counselor has had to talk to me repeatedly about not purposely forcing myself to not progress/choosing to stay severely depressed. 

Give it a chance. It's can't do any more harm to us. We've already been through the worst.    

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Jeff In Denver

Well, I'm up to 9 weeks now.  Finally, after going out with people all the time, having them over, having tons of stuff to do, etc., I'm finally home alone tonight.  Just me and my thoughts.  No distractions.  It's raining, I feel really alone, and nothing about this is fun.  I miss her so much...  It's really something how much life can suck.

I have been trying to connect with a lady who I worked with (as a friend).  She had actually asked me out a while ago, not knowing I had a girlfriend then.  We leave each other voicemails.  I left her a message earlier today, returning her call, asking  if she'd like to get together tonight.   She left a return message saying that she was going out with her sister tonight.  Not surprising.  We have been trying for 9 weeks. Time to give up on her.

I have finished "The Light Between Us," and finding a medium is next.  It's all so exhausting.  

 

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claribassist13
5 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

I have finished "The Light Between Us," and finding a medium is next.  It's all so exhausting.  

I am glad that you are taking this next step. I hope that it is successful and ends up being all that you need it to be. 

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Jeff In Denver

Well, I'm up to 10 weeks now.   I feel worse than at 6 weeks.  For the past 3 days I have been crying a lot, feeling absolutely lost, hopeless, and hating life.  I actually had to close my office door so that people don't see me today.  My eyes are red and wet.

Really, I didn't know that life could be so bad.  I am looking into hiring a medium to see if I can communicate with Mila.  I am a little scared as I don't know what to expect.  They also charge a lot, and I don't want to throw my money away.  And then I don't know how it will go.

I have been asking her to give me a sign.  So far, nothing.  If "The Light Between Us" is accurate, people we have lost are always with us.  They can hear us.  I really hope that's true.  I have to find a way to make it happen.  It's my only hope.

I am really dreading the change of seasons, and then the holidays.  I really don't know how people get through this.  I almost don't want to.

A lady wrote to and was saying that God loves me, etc.  My response was to the effect that if there is a God, he/she hates Mila, me, and anyone who cares about her with a passion.  None of us here deserve this.

Sorry to be so negative, but this has hit me hard again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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claribassist13

Jeff, 

The saying "it gets worse before it gets better" is really too true. You'll feel like this for a while, then you move on to another feeling, then you'll come back to this... On and on and on. The grief process is more like a grief roller coaster. We are going to be pulled in every which direction for a while. 

I am also dreading the holiday season. His one year mark is soon after all of it. However, it will be hard for all of us. The holidays are never the same without the people you love the most. This year will be very different. We'll finally understand why there are sad Christmas songs. 

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velvettuberose
5 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

Jeff, 

The saying "it gets worse before it gets better" is really too true. You'll feel like this for a while, then you move on to another feeling, then you'll come back to this... On and on and on. The grief process is more like a grief roller coaster. We are going to be pulled in every which direction for a while. 

I am also dreading the holiday season. His one year mark is soon after all of it. However, it will be hard for all of us. The holidays are never the same without the people you love the most. This year will be very different. We'll finally understand why there are sad Christmas songs. 

Christmas and my birthday, January 1st, will not be the same for me either. If I had only known what was going to happen, I would have dragged Walter to the hospital against his will. Too late...

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Jeff In Denver
14 hours ago, velvettuberose said:

Christmas and my birthday, January 1st, will not be the same for me either. If I had only known what was going to happen, I would have dragged Walter to the hospital against his will. Too late...

Please don't forget that you didn't know.  You couldn't have.  And if you did know, you would have done that.  And even then, it still might not have helped.  You did the best you could with the knowledge that you had!

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So true for all of us!  We did not know, we could not know!  We would have moved heaven and earth to save them!

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velvettuberose
On 8/24/2016 at 11:42 AM, Jeff In Denver said:

Please don't forget that you didn't know.  You couldn't have.  And if you did know, you would have done that.  And even then, it still might not have helped.  You did the best you could with the knowledge that you had!

Thank you, Jeff, for the comforting words, but the outcome is still the same...my husband is gone and nothing will ever change that...and I miss him so much.He was my life and I will never meet another man like him...and it's beyond painful. 

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11 hours ago, velvettuberose said:

Thank you, Jeff, for the comforting words, but the outcome is still the same...my husband is gone and nothing will ever change that...and I miss him so much.He was my life and I will never meet another man like him...and it's beyond painful. 

I feel for you so much.  I dragged Paul to the hospital but it was too late.  I begged him & so did his best friend to go earlier but he insisted he was fine. It was my job to take care of him & I failed.  I'm paying the price. He's gone & my life is a nightmare full of pain without him. In the end you are right.  The outcome is the same but we are the ones left with the memories.  

I wish you & all the good people on here peace.  Just some peace & guidance for all of us.  

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Jeff In Denver
20 hours ago, velvettuberose said:

Thank you, Jeff, for the comforting words, but the outcome is still the same...my husband is gone and nothing will ever change that...and I miss him so much.He was my life and I will never meet another man like him...and it's beyond painful. 

Velettuberose, yes, the outcome is the same.  I don't know if this is true, but I feel that guilt would make it even worse.  If you don't feel the guilt, there might be a tiny less pain.  I'm so sorry that any of this happened.

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13 hours ago, Millie681 said:

It was my job to take care of him & I failed.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

Millie,

I know how painful it is.  Oh how we all know!  But I hope you can learn to let go of the guilt...it is so common for us to feel that after loss, even though they were adults that made their own decisions and we weren't responsible for them.  Sometimes I think guilt feelings know no reason, they just are, and we're left to contend with them the best that we can.  It's important to separate truth from feelings though.

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On ‎8‎/‎28‎/‎2016 at 0:35 PM, KayC said:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

Millie,

I know how painful it is.  Oh how we all know!  But I hope you can learn to let go of the guilt...it is so common for us to feel that after loss, even though they were adults that made their own decisions and we weren't responsible for them.  Sometimes I think guilt feelings know no reason, they just are, and we're left to contend with them the best that we can.  It's important to separate truth from feelings though.

Thank you for the article it is helpful. I will try the exercises they give.  You are right & I will try to separate the two. Maybe over time I can learn to let go of the guilt.

Thank you again

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velvettuberose
On 8/28/2016 at 9:03 AM, Jeff In Denver said:

Velettuberose, yes, the outcome is the same.  I don't know if this is true, but I feel that guilt would make it even worse.  If you don't feel the guilt, there might be a tiny less pain.  I'm so sorry that any of this happened.

I do feel the guilt and sometimes it's too much to bear. And yes, Walter was an adult and made his own decision, but maybe he did not realize how severe his heart condition was. I can't blame him. I just hope he did not suffer when it happened. 

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22 hours ago, Millie681 said:

Maybe over time I can learn to let go of the guilt.

Oh I hope so!  None of us deserve it, it's just something we all feel after our loss.  We feel responsible for them but we aren't, we're all adults.  It's just that we care so much and wish we could turn back the clock and wave some magic wand.


Velvet, that's how I feel too.  My husband DID complain of symptoms and DID see the doctor, and the doctor didn't give it the seriousness he should have.  Not George's fault...not mine either.  The doctor has to live with it.

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