Sorrow

[velvettuberose]

I miss my husband so much. I want him back.

Why is this pain so cruel? 

[Millie681]

I am so sorry. I understand the pain & complete heartache. I don't know why we are meant to go through this. It's torture for those of us left behind. I wish you comfort & the strength you need right now.

[Krantz]

I understand the pain.  I constantly feel like I'm on edge with not having Adam anymore.  I miss him so very much.  Try to keep yourself busy with friends and family. 

[claribassist13]

I feel like that quote that Jeff brought up in pretty accurate in this situation: Grief is love turned inside out. For a beautiful as our love was, the grief from that will be soul-wrenching. I am so sorry that you are feeling so down today. 

[Jeff In Denver]

Thank you, Claribassist13, for bringing that quote up again.  It really explains so much.  I have seen that some grief counselors disagree with that statement, but that makes no sense.  If a neighbor dies, I am going to feel bad, but nothing like when Mila left.  Not even close.

Velvettuberose, I know what you mean, and I really feel for you.  I am sorry that you're going through this.

At the risk of offending some of you - and I hope I don't - I really wonder how a so-called "loving" higher power could allow good people to die from a long illness (while people beg, plead, and pray for recovery), or deal with the trauma of a sudden event and exit, and then leave the survivors to try and rebuild their shattered lives from such utter devastation.  I'd like to know what we all did to deserve such torture.  I mean that.

People tell me all the time that God loves me.  Really?  Sorry, but I'm not feeling it.  I have done plenty of things that I shouldn't have done.  But punish me - not my wonderful girlfriend and the people who love her.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, claribassist13 said:

Grief is love turned inside out.

I hadn't heard that before, but it's apropos.  

 

4 hours ago, velvettuberose said:

I miss my husband so much. I want him back.

I know.  (((hugs)))

28 minutes ago, Jeff In Denver said:

 I'd like to know what we all did to deserve such torture.

I think we all questioned our faith/beliefs/God when we lost our loved one.  I have never heard any answers to the "why" and finally quit asking.  I guess there's some things I just don't understand.

[Marty2121]

29 minutes ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Thank you, Claribassist13, for bringing that quote up again.  It really explains so much.  I have seen that some grief counselors disagree with that statement, but that makes no sense.  If a neighbor dies, I am going to feel bad, but nothing like when Mila left.  Not even close.

Velvettuberose, I know what you mean, and I really feel for you.  I am sorry that you're going through this.

At the risk of offending some of you - and I hope I don't - I really wonder how a so-called "loving" higher power could allow good people to die from a long illness (while people beg, plead, and pray for recovery), or deal with the trauma of a sudden event and exit, and then leave the survivors to try and rebuild their shattered lives from such utter devastation.  I'd like to know what we all did to deserve such torture.  I mean that.

People tell me all the time that God loves me.  Really?  Sorry, but I'm not feeling it.  I have done plenty of things that I shouldn't have done.  But punish me - not my wonderful girlfriend and the people who love her.

I totally understand Jeff.  I was a devout Catholic all my life, very involved with my church, and now I find myself angry at God.  Not as bad as in the beginning, perhaps it's more like hurt that he would call my husband home.  WHY WHY WHY!!!??  I prayed and had faith of a child, yet nothing.  And I know....so things don't go my way and I blame God?  I feel like I have to blame someone/something to make sense or justify this torture!  I'm past my 2 year mark and I still cannot find peace let alone happiness.  I'm so tired of crying, feeling so lonely, and having no direction in life.  I know I'm blessed with my son for he's the ONLY thing keeping me on this earth.  Perhaps one day we will all look back and say, "remember when we felt.....".  I sure as hell hope so!

[Millie681]

1 hour ago, Marty2121 said:

I totally understand Jeff.  I was a devout Catholic all my life, very involved with my church, and now I find myself angry at God.  Not as bad as in the beginning, perhaps it's more like hurt that he would call my husband home.  WHY WHY WHY!!!??  I prayed and had faith of a child, yet nothing.  And I know....so things don't go my way and I blame God?  I feel like I have to blame someone/something to make sense or justify this torture!  I'm past my 2 year mark and I still cannot find peace let alone happiness.  I'm so tired of crying, feeling so lonely, and having no direction in life.  I know I'm blessed with my son for he's the ONLY thing keeping me on this earth.  Perhaps one day we will all look back and say, "remember when we felt.....".  I sure as hell hope so!

I am feeling the same way. I prayed every day. I believed in God & now I am sitting wondering why? Why am I praying to you? I prayed in the hospital & prayed by his bed side & for what? I am angry & sad & I feel like I am going crazy. I miss him so much it hurts & I go to therapy & I reach out to friends & I just feel so alone & mad at God.

[Millie681]

2 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Thank you, Claribassist13, for bringing that quote up again.  It really explains so much.  I have seen that some grief counselors disagree with that statement, but that makes no sense.  If a neighbor dies, I am going to feel bad, but nothing like when Mila left.  Not even close.

Velvettuberose, I know what you mean, and I really feel for you.  I am sorry that you're going through this.

At the risk of offending some of you - and I hope I don't - I really wonder how a so-called "loving" higher power could allow good people to die from a long illness (while people beg, plead, and pray for recovery), or deal with the trauma of a sudden event and exit, and then leave the survivors to try and rebuild their shattered lives from such utter devastation.  I'd like to know what we all did to deserve such torture.  I mean that.

People tell me all the time that God loves me.  Really?  Sorry, but I'm not feeling it.  I have done plenty of things that I shouldn't have done.  But punish me - not my wonderful girlfriend and the people who love her.

I totally agree Jeff. I just can't understand why? I can't stand it & I just can't take it anymore. I feel like I am in a nightmare that I keep repeating. Especially since I was the weak one out of our relationship. He could handle me being gone but me still here without him? He gave so much to this world. He should still be here.  

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Millie681 said:

I am feeling the same way. I prayed every day. I believed in God & now I am sitting wondering why? Why am I praying to you? I prayed in the hospital & prayed by his bed side & for what? I am angry & sad & I feel like I am going crazy. I miss him so much it hurts & I go to therapy & I reach out to friends & I just feel so alone & mad at God.

I remember feeling the same way.  It took me a long time to come to acceptance (which, BTW, does not equate with "liked").  It's okay to feel mad at God, He can handle it.  I sure don't know the answer.  (((hugs)))

[Millie681]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I remember feeling the same way.  It took me a long time to come to acceptance (which, BTW, does not equate with "liked").  It's okay to feel mad at God, He can handle it.  I sure don't know the answer.  (((hugs)))

Thank you so much KayC. I'm just feeling all over the place these days. . It's only been a little over 4 months & I just can't see a future. I feel cheated. & I just get so mad at God. Thank you for the hugs & your words.  

[Marty2121]

3 hours ago, Millie681 said:

I am feeling the same way. I prayed every day. I believed in God & now I am sitting wondering why? Why am I praying to you? I prayed in the hospital & prayed by his bed side & for what? I am angry & sad & I feel like I am going crazy. I miss him so much it hurts & I go to therapy & I reach out to friends & I just feel so alone & mad at God.

Exactly Millie...ugh...so heart wrenching the pain that all of us endure.  You merely go through the motions of existence.  I really do want to believe that everything does happen for a reason whether we can even fathom the reason right now, but my heart is challenged daily by the fact that I don't have my beloved husband of 30 fantastic years here with me.   I use to live for Fridays because even though he wouldn't get off of work until 10:30 at night, I knew it was the start of yet another fun loving filled weekend.  Whether we stayed home and watched movies all weekend, or went for a drive, or just did a little of this and a little of that, it was what we both longed for.  We were so close to paying off our house and building a cabin in a nearby town and now all of the planning and adventure that I thought laid ahead...is buried with him. 

The ONLY 1 thing I can say Millie, is that one day you will go the entire day without crying and think to yourself, "am I getting better?".  I don't think we will ever be the same person, how can we, but if we give ourselves enough time and be gentle with ourselves, perhaps some day we will learn how to accept our tragedy and somehow have the strength to move forward. 

[KayC]

Marty, that's how it was for us too, when I got off work Fri. night, OUR time started.  I get so tired of it just being me alone, with my dog & cat, they help a lot, but I miss being able to share in life with him.

[velvettuberose]

I want to thank all of you for your words of comfort and wisdom. 

Yes, it is painful that I lost my husband the way I did and at times I still have flashbacks from that night. They hit me when I least expected. In that moment, I feel that I cannot breath. With all the breathing stuff...it is not working. For me anyway...

Most of our grief is private. People who haven't experienced this kind of pain do not understand what we have to struggle with every day. It is not their fault and yet we get angry ( I do sometimes) when we see that they continue with their lives like nothing happened to them. It did not. But we get angry because it is unfair. We lost the loves of our lives and no words of comfort will ever change that. It is a done deal. And the question "WHY?" lurks around us with no coherent and acceptable answers. We had plans and dreams with our loved ones, but those plans were gone like they have never existed. 

I do miss Walter every single day and don't know what to do with that feeling. Like Jeff said, " Grief is love turned inside out." You are right, Jeff! We loved and now we suffer. And where is GOD in all this? Where was GOD when our loved ones were taken from us? No offense to anyone, but I am angry with GOD for taking Walter and putting me through all this hell. He was a good man, never harmed a single soul.

I look at his things. Some of them are just the way he left them that day in January. I look at them and can't believe my beautiful, talented man is gone. I cry and cry, get better for a while and then the cycle returns.

WHY US?

[KayC]

It's good to voice how you're feeling.  Feelings are to be contended with and sometimes that's a tall order.

[Millie681]

14 hours ago, Marty2121 said:

Exactly Millie...ugh...so heart wrenching the pain that all of us endure.  You merely go through the motions of existence.  I really do want to believe that everything does happen for a reason whether we can even fathom the reason right now, but my heart is challenged daily by the fact that I don't have my beloved husband of 30 fantastic years here with me.   I use to live for Fridays because even though he wouldn't get off of work until 10:30 at night, I knew it was the start of yet another fun loving filled weekend.  Whether we stayed home and watched movies all weekend, or went for a drive, or just did a little of this and a little of that, it was what we both longed for.  We were so close to paying off our house and building a cabin in a nearby town and now all of the planning and adventure that I thought laid ahead...is buried with him. 

The ONLY 1 thing I can say Millie, is that one day you will go the entire day without crying and think to yourself, "am I getting better?".  I don't think we will ever be the same person, how can we, but if we give ourselves enough time and be gentle with ourselves, perhaps some day we will learn how to accept our tragedy and somehow have the strength to move forward. 

That's how I feel at this point. I'm just existing. An empty shell of the person I was. The way you described your Friday's is how we were.  So excited for whatever we were going to do. Even if it was to do nothing. But together. 

Thank you for your kind words. I wish that peace & strength for all of us. 

[Marty2121]

4 hours ago, Millie681 said:

That's how I feel at this point. I'm just existing. An empty shell of the person I was. The way you described your Friday's is how we were.  So excited for whatever we were going to do. Even if it was to do nothing. But together. 

Thank you for your kind words. I wish that peace & strength for all of us. 

We'll all be ok...we don't have a choice.  I hope that someday we will all say, "i never thought i'd be happy again".  For now...we take 1 hour at a time.  No matter what anyone says, feels, or thinks, we will all heal in our OWN time, whether is 3 months or 3 years.  We will do it OUR way!

Peace to you Millie...

[velvettuberose]

1 hour ago, Marty2121 said:

We'll all be ok...we don't have a choice.  I hope that someday we will all say, "i never thought i'd be happy again".  For now...we take 1 hour at a time.  No matter what anyone says, feels, or thinks, we will all heal in our OWN time, whether is 3 months or 3 years.  We will do it OUR way!

Peace to you Millie...

I think we'll all be okay...You are right, Marty. We do not have a choice. Our loved ones wouldn't want us to give up or wallow. But it is so hard sometimes; it takes a lot of energy. 

[claribassist13]

19 hours ago, velvettuberose said:

I do miss Walter every single day and don't know what to do with that feeling. Like Jeff said, " Grief is love turned inside out." You are right, Jeff! We loved and now we suffer. And where is GOD in all this? Where was GOD when our loved ones were taken from us? No offense to anyone, but I am angry with GOD for taking Walter and putting me through all this hell. He was a good man, never harmed a single soul.

All throughout my childhood my mother always use to tell me (whenever I was upset or angry) that God has big enough shoulders to deal with my frustration, so I should always do the yelling and fist pounding that I needed. 

It's okay to be angry. You'll be able to address these big questions later when your mind is in a better position to do so. 

[velvettuberose]

54 minutes ago, claribassist13 said:

All throughout my childhood my mother always use to tell me (whenever I was upset or angry) that God has big enough shoulders to deal with my frustration, so I should always do the yelling and fist pounding that I needed. 

It's okay to be angry. You'll be able to address these big questions later when your mind is in a better position to do so. 

Thank you, Clari, but I am so tired right now. I don't think I can do the yelling and fist pounding. Maybe later.

[Millie681]

4 hours ago, Marty2121 said:

We'll all be ok...we don't have a choice.  I hope that someday we will all say, "i never thought i'd be happy again".  For now...we take 1 hour at a time.  No matter what anyone says, feels, or thinks, we will all heal in our OWN time, whether is 3 months or 3 years.  We will do it OUR way!

Peace to you Millie...

Thank you so much Marty. I feel you all here are the only ones who understand. I want to heal in my own time & all of you don't make me feel guilty for it. Thank you 

[Marty2121]

1 hour ago, Millie681 said:

Thank you so much Marty. I feel you all here are the only ones who understand. I want to heal in my own time & all of you don't make me feel guilty for it. Thank you 

unless you walk in our shoes, you have no right to tell us how we should feel.  You take your time Millie and do everyday whatever feels good THAT day.  I have gone through so many different feelings and have acted so many different ways....some, i'm not so proud of, but we do what we have to do to survive.  Walk in our shoes, then judge right!?  Hang on to the beautiful memories you have and they will get you through each day.

[Marty2121]

4 hours ago, velvettuberose said:

I think we'll all be okay...You are right, Marty. We do not have a choice. Our loved ones wouldn't want us to give up or wallow. But it is so hard sometimes; it takes a lot of energy. 

No, they would not want us to be so sad and suffering.  It's hard, we need to just take our time in doing this.  It certainly does take a lot of energy.  Some days i'm so exhausted from feeling sad, lonely, desperate, etc.  Lets hang on to their strength and try and survive!

[KayC]

4 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

All throughout my childhood my mother always use to tell me (whenever I was upset or angry) that God has big enough shoulders to deal with my frustration, so I should always do the yelling and fist pounding that I needed. 

Your mom was wise.

 

[claribassist13]

4 hours ago, velvettuberose said:

Thank you, Clari, but I am so tired right now. I don't think I can do the yelling and fist pounding. Maybe later.

That's the beauty of it. You can do it whenever you feel like it. 

 

19 minutes ago, KayC said:

Your mom was wise.

It's definitely true that the older I get the more I realize that my parents actually do have some stuff worth listening to. 

[Millie681]

14 hours ago, Marty2121 said:

unless you walk in our shoes, you have no right to tell us how we should feel.  You take your time Millie and do everyday whatever feels good THAT day.  I have gone through so many different feelings and have acted so many different ways....some, i'm not so proud of, but we do what we have to do to survive.  Walk in our shoes, then judge right!?  Hang on to the beautiful memories you have and they will get you through each day.

Thank you Marty. Thank you so much. You have no idea how I needed to hear this.  Going through all the feelings & acting different ways. It brings me a bit of guilt.  When you said some your not so proud of.  I feel the same but I'm going to keep doing what I feel is right for me right now. Your so right they need to walk in our shoes. Although I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Thank you again. 

[Marty2121]

On ‎7‎/‎24‎/‎2016 at 10:44 AM, Millie681 said:

Thank you Marty. Thank you so much. You have no idea how I needed to hear this.  Going through all the feelings & acting different ways. It brings me a bit of guilt.  When you said some your not so proud of.  I feel the same but I'm going to keep doing what I feel is right for me right now. Your so right they need to walk in our shoes. Although I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Thank you again. 

I wouldn't wish this on anyone either Millie.  We didn't choose this, life just happened.  Don't even worry about what you say or do right now, as long as you're safe it'll all be ok.  I just finished watching We Bought A Zoo because I thought it would be a comedy.  Ugh...I cried so much, but you know what....it was a good cry and I needed that.  Even though I cried yesterday, some cries are just more cleansing that others. 

Family on both sides have turned a deaf ear because they have tried to "fix me" and feel they have failed.  There is no fixing, we just have to heal on our own time and however we feel for that moment.  Sorry to all my family, but I get to do this MY way, not theirs. 

[KayC]

I agree, I wish they could get that.  My family is pretty good but I had one sister try to tell me what to do the first year and of course they can't possibly understand when they still have their husbands and both incomes.  I can't afford to go on cruises & travel with them, and my life is more about meeting basic needs and struggle.  That they can't possibly get, nor do they get what it's like to always wake up alone on holidays, etc.

[velvettuberose]

18 hours ago, Marty2121 said:

I wouldn't wish this on anyone either Millie.  We didn't choose this, life just happened.  Don't even worry about what you say or do right now, as long as you're safe it'll all be ok.  I just finished watching We Bought A Zoo because I thought it would be a comedy.  Ugh...I cried so much, but you know what....it was a good cry and I needed that.  Even though I cried yesterday, some cries are just more cleansing that others. 

Family on both sides have turned a deaf ear because they have tried to "fix me" and feel they have failed.  There is no fixing, we just have to heal on our own time and however we feel for that moment.  Sorry to all my family, but I get to do this MY way, not theirs. 

I will never alone anyone to tell me when I grieve and how I do it, let alone fix me. This is beyond fixing. Luckily for me, my family understands the daily struggles and they support me the best they can. My husband's parents are non-existent to me since they did not bother to even call and ask, " Are you still alive?" .They did not show up for the committal ceremony of Walter's cremains. Vacation was more important than their own son. So...some members of both family do not get it. Too bad for them. I talk to people who are willing to just listen. Like you guys...here on this forum. And I am grateful for that. 

[KayC]

15 minutes ago, velvettuberose said:

They did not show up for the committal ceremony of Walter's cremains.

Seriously?  I'm sorry!  My husband died on Father's Day eleven years ago and the following morning our pastor went on vacation.  It felt very uncaring to me.  When I tried to set a date for his service, the pastor said he wouldn't be back that weekend or the weekend after.  I asked about the following one and he said that was 4th of July weekend and it wasn't convenient.  I replied, "I'm sorry my husband died at such an inconvenient time."  I got a former pastor to hold his service.  Thankfully, my whole family was in attendance.

I don't know how you get past that.  I think I'd tell them how much it hurt just so they'd know.  It may not do any good now but hopefully they'd learn something from it?

[Millie681]

18 hours ago, Marty2121 said:

I wouldn't wish this on anyone either Millie.  We didn't choose this, life just happened.  Don't even worry about what you say or do right now, as long as you're safe it'll all be ok.  I just finished watching We Bought A Zoo because I thought it would be a comedy.  Ugh...I cried so much, but you know what....it was a good cry and I needed that.  Even though I cried yesterday, some cries are just more cleansing that others. 

Family on both sides have turned a deaf ear because they have tried to "fix me" and feel they have failed.  There is no fixing, we just have to heal on our own time and however we feel for that moment.  Sorry to all my family, but I get to do this MY way, not theirs. 

I wish I was as strong as you. I feel this immense guilt because I'm not " normal". I'm not celebrating birthdays or participating. I am just immensely sad. There is so much sadness I just feel like crying all the time. 

Maybe I'll watch that movie. Right now everything makes me cry but you're right some cries are more cleaning than others.  I sometimes feel like I won't stop. The sadness is never ending. I just miss him so much.  

Im sorry I wish I had words of wisdom but I don't.  I feel lost.  

[velvettuberose]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Seriously?  I'm sorry!  My husband died on Father's Day eleven years ago and the following morning our pastor went on vacation.  It felt very uncaring to me.  When I tried to set a date for his service, the pastor said he wouldn't be back that weekend or the weekend after.  I asked about the following one and he said that was 4th of July weekend and it wasn't convenient.  I replied, "I'm sorry my husband died at such an inconvenient time."  I got a former pastor to hold his service.  Thankfully, my whole family was in attendance.

I don't know how you get past that.  I think I'd tell them how much it hurt just so they'd know.  It may not do any good now but hopefully they'd learn something from it?

The pastor told you that? That was very uncaring. I am sorry you had to deal with that.

It was very difficult for me to get over the fact that Walter's parents did not attend the ceremony. As far as telling them...it won't make a difference. They do not care. Especially my mother-in-law...So , why put myself through that? It hurts a lot, but it is what it is. 

 

[KayC]

My husband was second eldest of 11 kids (all same parents), preceded in death by a sister and his mom.  So when he died there were still nine brothers and sisters, seven lived nearby, one a few hour's drive, and one a few states over.  Only three attended the funeral.  His own dad (two hours away) did not bother to come, even though he was offered a ride!  I can't understand not attending your son's funeral, or for that matter, your brother's funeral.  His kids lived across the US from us so I could understand them not being able to make it, at least they were in touch, I sent them a recording of it along with some things to remember him by.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, velvettuberose said:

As far as telling them...it won't make a difference. They do not care. Especially my mother-in-law...So , why put myself through that? It hurts a lot, but it is what it is. 

I understand your feelings.  I don't get their families.  I guess they were wonderful people in spite of not because of their families.