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My son died, and now my husband wants to leave...help...


Orangefox

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8 months ago, I lost my son. I was 7 1/2 months pregnant, and we found out that our son had suffered massive brain hemorrhaging. The specialists all said he would live a tortured life, if he survived child birth at all.... We decided, at 7 1/2 months in utero, to end the pregnancy, so that our son would not suffer. These last 8 months have been pure hell. People say all the wrong things, don't understand, and now, seem to have forgotten that he was even here, just for a short time.  Now, my husband is suffering from a massive depression. He is unsure as to whether he wants to even try and have children again, for fear of this happening again, and has even brought up divorce. He says that because he doesn't know how long it is going to take him to heal, and because of my age (42), that I should just go and find someone else to have a child with, as he is worried I will resent him for the rest of his life if I don't have a child. I tell him all of the time that I love him, that we need more time to heal, and to support each other. We go to therapy, but he doesn't seem to get anything out of it anymore. He says they are just words, an they won't bring our son back. Nothing will, and he is just crushed... I want to have another child, but he is just not in a place to even try, and may not want to at all now. We got married 11 months ago, lost our son 8 months ago, and now I fear he is going to leave me over this ...and I don't know what to do. My world has already shattered, and now it is about to crumble all over again. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice?  (We are not religious people, so any recommendations for prayer or church will not be helpful to us sadly) Please help....if there are any dads out there that can share with me how they got through this...

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Mermaid Tears

Orangefox....we lost our son...he was 42. Men and women grieve in different ways. I have not been in your situation but I will offer some words. Please...for now...just 'self care'....be very kind and gentle to yourself and each other.

A Mama wants to heal the problem. A Dad wants to heal the problem. This is a problem your husband cannot fix. Men usually have more anger...let your husband have his anger. Let your husband grieve and honor his grief. At this time...I would think that bringing up the issue of future children will just be like pouring salt on the wounds. Right now...is the time to grieve and grieve deeply. Let Father Time and Mother Nature heal you. I think if your child died in the womb...lived 2 hours...2 days....10 years...50 years...they are still your child and your grief journey will be as unique as your child is unique. Honor each other and your child. Both of you have suffered a great heartbreak. Both of you need to hold hands...and take this one day at a time. Peace to you.

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Hi Mermaid Tears, thank you for your words. I have definitely come to understand that men and women grieve very differently. He keeps a lot of his emotions cooped up, and I have talked and talked about it, which has helped me a lot. I am not over, nor will I ever be, but I am trying to look towards the future, and I try and encourage my husband to do the same. Out therapist has told us to put having another child, on the back burner for now, which we have. However due to my age, I wanted to verify with my doctor where I stood in terms of being able to still have children in the future, as I am 42. It doesn't look good, which obviously upsets me, and I wanted to be honest with my husband by sharing the doctors news. But he just fell back into this negative emotional spiral. Everything is horrible. His job, his family, he has no interest in anything that used to make him smile. He forces himself to show me attention and affection, which is very difficult for me, as I feel like the invisible wife. I try and encourage him, and give him space, and let him do that small things that distract him, but now he says there is a distance between us. I don't feel it, but he says he does....He hates the world for what has happened, he feels like everything in his life is crap, and that the rest of it will be too. I tell him that it has only been 8 months, and that is nothing in terms of time to grieve, but he says he doesn't think he will ever feel normal again, or be interested in anything else ever again, and that includes me, and having a family....We have both had hard lives, with abusive parents, and life constantly throwing us hardship.. He feels like that is simply going to continue until the day he dies. I don't know how to help him. I don't know how to convince him to stay with me, that together we are stronger....I didn't think things could get worse, but I feel like everything is falling apart :(

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Mermaid Tears

Since I have joined this site....I hear from so many bereaved parents that when this kind of grief happens...it opens the flood gate to 'all the bad'...and many then find themselves in such challenging...and downright hateful situations with family. It makes me cringe. I am not a professional therapist...but you are doing the right thing by going to a therapist and having that 'ear to hear'....years ago...women could count on a strong family circle...a caring community...of other women to help them through. No longer do we gather for coffee and 'talk'....that was a very sustaining bond for women. I think the indifference/what is the use behavior is very, very normal. I think looking ahead and not be able to find one thing to be happy about is normal. I think finding everything/everybody/work/spouse/friends/everyday events will never be the same...is normal. Some men are more more maternal than others. Your husband sounds as if he is very maternal. I am so sorry. I can 'only imagine' all the anticipation...all the dreams of 'things we will do'...all the 'over the moon' feelings...that go hand in hand with expectations of the baby...soon to be here. I can also have lots of empathy for those empty arms. Please go to 'Loss of Adult Child' and post on the other site...there are many parents on there that has lost a baby...and then an adult child. They will have lots of comfort and care to give you. I am sure they will have more words to reach out to help you in this dark time. Give yourself a pat on the back. Hang on with both hands. You are doing the right things, I think.

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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Oh dear Orangefox ~

i was so very sorry to hear of the tragic loss of your dear baby ~

then, on tip of that your husband, instead of coming alongside you ~ helping you thru this together,,,he actually makes things worse if that is possible..

i have lost two grown sons said I know the pain and gramma of losing children.

never lossing a baby as you have,,,I have always thought that haveing the empty arms one has when an infant dies has to

be the worst..

forgive me, words can never express truly what all who have lost children, no matter the circumstances..

i know men grieve differently,,

but what your husband is adding to your loss, to me is heartless..

just my thoughts.

when one losses a child , well, how does one survive ?

yet, many here are still standing .

please keep seeking help & solace...

take care of you and find safe people to take with when needed.

RAiNiE

 

 

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