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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Orangefox

My son died, and my husband is about to leave...help...

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8 months ago, I lost my son. I was 7 1/2 months pregnant, and we found out that our son had suffered massive brain hemorrhaging. The specialists all said he would live a tortured life, if he survived child birth at all.... We decided, at 7 1/2 months in utero, to end the pregnancy, so that our son would not suffer. These last 8 months have been pure hell. People say all the wrong things, don't understand, and now, seem to have forgotten that he was even here, just for a short time.  Now, my husband is suffering from a massive depression. He is unsure as to whether he wants to even try and have children again, for fear of this happening again, and has even brought up divorce. He says that because he doesn't know how long it is going to take him to heal, and because of my age (42), that I should just go and find someone else to have a child with, as he is worried I will resent him for the rest of his life if I don't have a child. I tell him all of the time that I love him, that we need more time to heal, and to support each other. We go to therapy, but he doesn't seem to get anything out of it anymore. He says they are just words, an they won't bring our son back. Nothing will, and he is just crushed... I want to have another child, but he is just not in a place to even try, and may not want to at all now. We got married 11 months ago, lost our son 8 months ago, and now I fear he is going to leave me over this ...and I don't know what to do. My world has already shattered, and now it is about to crumble all over again. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice?  (We are not religious people, so any recommendations for prayer or church will not be helpful to us sadly) Please help....if there are any dads out there that can share with me how they got through this...

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Orangefox,

I am very sorry about your loss. Two things I can think of that may help--counseling for the both of you and consider developing your spiritual self. I'm not necessarily talking religion, but instead spirituality. Many people find strength in their beliefs--it gets them through the tough times. Counseling can give you a direction on how to heal. 

We will be with you,

ModKonnie

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Hello ModKonnie,

Thank you for your message. We are seeing two therapists right now. One family therapist, and a grief counsellor. My husband used to have such a passion for life, getting out in nature, biking, creating things.... Now, he just doesn't care, about anything, and sometimes that includes me. It's difficult, having him talk about us divorcing now, after all of this has happened. He feels like it might be best for me to go off and try and have a family with some other man. But I am 42. My time is limited (as has shown in fertility testing I have undergone). So even if he left me, and I tried to find someone else, it would be too late, and that window of opportunity to have a child would be gone anyway. But he says that after this trauma, he doesn't even know if he wants to try again, and this makes me so sad. He would be such a great father, I know this...and it kills me to think that after all of these years of wanting a child, that now, it's just gone, forever. For now we are not discussing having children, as it stresses him out too much. I am now, after 8 months, looking at going back to work, and this scares me. It's easy to have a really bad day, when you are staying home, and you don't have that responsibility of a job. I hope that I don't panic, have anxiety attacks etc... I feel like I am blabbering right now. My mind is so full it doesn't seem to know which direction to go. I miss my son, I want my child, I want my husband back. We have always lived as good people, helping those less fortunate, going out of our way to be helpful, and good people. It just feels like it was all ripped away from us.......

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You are definitely not blabbering right now. Your hopes and dreams were dashed, and you both are reeling and lost. Is there a possibility of freezing some eggs (I'm not even sure what that is all about), so a little later on you could try again? I just don't have any answers, but I can see how you are torn. 

Working may help you. Practice some deep breathing techniques to control anxiety for when you are at work and panic happens. As for your husband, people grieve in different ways. He may be scared to hope again. 

We will be with you,

ModKonnie

 

 

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Hi Modkonnie, I have spoken to a fertility specialist, and under went testing for a month to check my hormone levels. Unfortunately I am on the low level of production ,and he said only about 2, out of every ten eggs would even viable.... He said that because the eggs are not at their greatest, that freezing them would make no difference. That once the time came to use them, they would essentially be ruined... He said that freezing an embryo on the other hand, might work, but it would still be a 20% chance for me. All that after paying $15,000. That would also mean that my husband would have to be willing to do that, and right now he is so frightened of us becoming pregnant, that he pretty much avoids me altogether.... :(  That's the hard part, is that there are no answers. The doctors told us this was a one in a million thing that happened to our son, but because my husband went through the trauma of it all, and saw everything that happened, that he knows he could not live through that again, should it happen. I am surprised I haven't thrown myself off a bridge to be honest. But I try and remind myself, that my son would want me to be happy, and to live. I just wish my husband would find his passion for life again....or even for just small things...but for now, it's nothing.

Thank you for your responses though...it helps knowing that I am not alone <3

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So, when you talk about your fears of running out of time, what does your husband say? The chances of it happening again are so remote, right? Unfortunately, many of us have had pregnancy problems that resulted in a loss. It is scary to take another chance, but the rewards could be priceless (I hope that doesn't sound inappropriate--I just can't figure out how to say it better). 

Has your therapist talked to your husband? Your fertility specialist? 

You are in such a tough situation. There are others in your shoes, I just don't know how to get your husband past the fear. I wish I did know. 

ModKonnie

 

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He feels pressured...like he needs to hurry up and heal, or we will lose that window of opportunity, and I will resent him forever. Out therapist has advised us to take a break from talking about having children, and just focus on our relationship, and trying to get through this together. That time will make things better. But my husband is so negative about everything. He says time won't heal him, time won't bring our son back, and time won't make him less scared of our situation possibly repeating itself....

I think the difference with our situation was that it wasn't a decision made by nature, where I all of a sudden miscarried.... The medical evidence showed that our sons brain hemorrhage was simply so bad, that the damage to his brain was permanent, leaving us with the decision at 7 1/2 mths, to either deliver a baby (that may not survive delivery, that may die during delivery, or who would spend his life on breathing tubes, feeding tubes, brain shunts, unable to walk, move...have multiple surgeries etc....) OR, to end the pregnancy, and save our son from the suffering. Normally at 7 1/2 months, they do not end pregnancies, but due to the medical evidence, the hospital agreed that this would be the best decision in the long run. That our son was in an extremely severe situation, and nothing would save him. We chose to be unselfish, and take away that risk of him suffering. The bleeds in his brain were just too severe. They grade them from 1-4...1 being mild, 4 being severe... He had a grade 3 on the left, and a grade 4 on the right. His brain had so much bleeding that it had cut off oxygen to his brain, and part of the tissue was already dead :( We found this out after the autopsy was completed to try and determine the cause of this (they couldn't find the reason)

I want to get pregnant again, and I have even told him, that if we had another child, and everything went well this time, we would be so happy, and we would have a child like we had always wanted. He comes to the therapy sessions with me, and the therapist has encouraged him to try and get out and exercise more, to try and get him to a better place mentally, but sometimes it takes such a push to get him out, getting those endorphins going .. Our fertility specialist says that my chances of getting pregnant are low, and I don't have much time left. He said that within a one years time frame, out of ten potential eggs being produced, that only about 2 of them would be viable... Freezing is not an option due to the "quality" of the eggs at my age. He said that freezing an embryo would be a better option, or naturally reproducing, but my husband is still too frightened to even take that route, for fear that something will still go wrong. He even talks about potentially NOT having kids now, so that we don't have to go through that. I told him that the desire to have a child for me, is stronger than the fear that runs through me each day. That yes, I would be frightened the entire 9 mths, but that it would be so worth it in the end.... I have had family and friends say that maybe I need to leave him, and go and find a donor, and just do it on my own...but to raise a child on my own...going into it like that...leaving my husband, would mean moving back home to be closer to my family in another province, as they all live far away. It would mean so many changes. I just don't know what to do :(

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Well, without being too personal, what would happen if you just let nature take its course and get close to him? Just go out and have fun doing something you want to and then celebrating with extra closeness? I guess the pressure is too severe at this point, but if you could get him to relax, then perhaps he could just go with whatever happens. Have you tried just telling him you've got to try again or it's going to really ruin your relationship? If it happens it happens, but if you don't get pregnant then the next step could be adoption or whatever you choose? 

I think I'd be frank with him and say one way or another you plan on having a child, that you cannot go through life childless. I am no expert on this, so I just don't know what to say. When I wanted children, my husband didn't. I ended up giving him a choice and he capitulated. It all worked out in the end because after our first one, he couldn't wait to have more. So, I just don't know if that would work for you or not. But I would be stern in reminding him your time is up, and he has to decide NOW. 

Again, good luck, and we will be here with you,

ModKonnie

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