New Life After Mom's Gone

[silverfrost424]

A few days ago, quite unexpectedly, my mother died of a random disease. She was only 46 years old. She lived a good, moral life. She will be sorely missed by many, many people.

I'm torn about many issues concerning the whole ordeal. I'm fairly convinced that nothing of my mother's ego has survived, but if consciousness is an indestructible part of creation, then she's returned to that ever-flowing sea. It's extremely difficult for various reasons. For one, I'm only 22, and I'm her oldest child. Her younger two children, ages 17 and 11, still need a parental figure, one that their father cannot fully provide. For that reason, he's asked me to put my life on hold to stay and help raise my youngest brother. I can't do that, certainly, but the thought of leaving them here in this ocean of despair and regret is also unthinkable to me. We were very close to our mother, and the agony that ensnares our hearts will not soon subside. It's difficult to make any decisions at all about our future. I've given myself over to being a full-time parent to keep my mind off the pain. My selfish reaction is to go far, far away and continue with my life, but my brothers and grieving father anchor me here.

I'm not sure if we're handling this situation healthily. We sort of prepared for her death, so we haven't actually cried yet, the boys and myself. I sometimes sit in a corner with my knees to my chest and think over and over again about how I'll never see my mother again, and yet the tears don't come. I'm deathly afraid of proper grieving. I'm also afraid of pinning it all up. Whenever I think the tortuous thoughts about the loss of my dear mother, my mind is suddenly flooded with thoughts of things that make me happy. It's like trying to walk on a sore leg, my instincts won't allow me to rest any weight on that metaphorical leg at all. I keep thinking thoughts like, "I love my mama, but our relationship is over now. It's no use to want angrily for her, because she will not return. It is best to redefine your life." All I want to do is find that new "normal" whatever that may be. I want to give my brothers a good life. I want to live a good life. I don't want to cry, but I want to cry.

I'm managing to survive, really, by taking it one day at a time. I wish there were other realists around who've experienced a similar loss, because my life's been turned completely upside down and I don't know which way to turn. I will miss my mother every day for the rest of my life, probably. I'm so lost, confused, and alone. My brothers are all that's keeping me sane right now. My heart sighs with a dull ache.

[angel44]

stay and help your brothers you will always be glad that you did. i wish i had some family i could help. and yes your relationship always goes on. my mom died about 2 years ago. we still talk to each other. she communicates in dreams, songs tv, a lot of things, i just know its her. i cant explain it. i still talk to her i never stopped. i just wait till no one else is around and then i talk to her. i know she helps me all the time in any way that she can. i know she opens doors for me and guides me along so to speak. i wish so much to run and give her a bug hug also, but that to will come someday. someday we will all be together again. maybe take your brothers with you. dont leave them behind or they will never have a chance in life. i am sorry for your loss.

ps you can still be a sister but one who helps - and one who made a difference instead of staying out of it like i have seen before. maybe just provide a roof and food for them - but if you are to scared to do that - than maybe some one else will  - maybe they can go to a homeless shelter ?  is there one in the area ? i know some of them take families -

 

[socal2010]

It's been so recent for you, I don't think you should make any decisions about the future right now. It's good for you to stay with your family during the initial shock and grief of it. I think you're not crying because you're still in denial and shock. The brain protects us from losing our minds by only giving us a little bit of reality at a time. So for now, it really hasn't hit you.

I have mixed feelings about the idea of you becoming a "parent" to your brothers. You are their sister, not their parent. I think in the long run it would be damaging for all involved if you took on that role. I'm not an expert though so I don't know. I think you can still be supportive and help them in the role of an older sister. Ultimately your Dad in the one who will have to step up and try to find a way of parenting them that helps ease their pain. You can be there as a very important support system for them as their big sister.

Try not to think too much about all the complicated stuff. Just focus on the little things and take one day at a time. Re-evaluate everything in 6 months as far as where you will live and so on. Also, posting is a healthy thing for you to do because you will find people who understand exactly how you feel.

Take care