Struggling

[Forever His x]

Granted since the day this happened i have been struggling , there have been no good days or even better days but have been worse days , today is one of them days , i dont want to be here anymore without him i could quiet happily just end it all now . whats the point ? 

had my first session of therapy yesterday , it was "ok" just getting to know each other and the situation and he said a few things that made me think hmm yeah ok , but i find it hard that his trying to help me and with my way of thinking yet my answer to everything is just bring him back ! . thats all i want there is no other way of dealing with this . 
and when people go to me oh you seem better than you did last week , Because !! i have started to put small amounts of make up on my reason for this is he thought i was so beautiful without my make up and said i didnt need it , so why should others get to see me how he loved me , so its like putting a mask on but no others dont get that its just to hide away from everything and in a weird way respect for him , but oh dont worry im doing better because i got mascara on and i spoke today ! 

i dont understand how my body is getting through the day how is it even moving , how am i meant to live the rest of my stupid stupid pointless life without him at the age of 24 brilliant . 
yes i have our son to look after and i get that he is so important to me the reason i am doing what im doing , but for my self not him or other family for my self , what is there now . 

i well and truley give up . 

[green7]

4 hours ago, Forever His x said:

and when people go to me oh you seem better than you did last week , Because !! i have started to put small amounts of make up on my reason for this is he thought i was so beautiful without my make up and said i didnt need it , so why should others get to see me how he loved me , so its like putting a mask on but no others dont get that its just to hide away from everything and in a weird way respect for him , but oh dont worry im doing better because i got mascara on and i spoke today ! 

 

I feel you on that, I stop caring about make up, and I think, who am I going to wear it for? My motivation to look pretty is gone!  People come to me as well saying " you look better, time heals everything"  times heals nothing, like you, I feel like I have to put on a mask so people leave me alone, I don't want to hear that I need to get over it, I know must of people mean well but, don't they understand we lost the love of our lives? I'm having a rough morning too, sometimes I wake up so mad because I'm still alive and he is not. I hate my life without him, and sometimes I too just want to end it all. I will never understand why life works this way. 

I assume you are seeing a counselor, the first sessions seem to be pointless, when I started seeing my counselor at first I didn't think it would help, and I didn't want to go back, give it a chance, maybe after a couple sessions you'll feel more comfortable. Counseling is helping me, I like how I can talk to someone who is neutral and who listens to what I have to say without telling me that I need to get over it or that I will find someone else. Just try girl! 

I know that people expect you to keep going because you have a son. My boyfriend and I don't have kids, but I know that even if Id had a kid it would still very difficult for me to continue without him. Dont give up, like everyone here say " take it one day at a time" and they're right, well it's how I kind of keep going even if I don't want to be in this world without him, just one day at a time. 

[claribassist13]

It's difficult for us to open up to other people. All we ever want is for our loved ones to come back. We never stop wishing that. I am almost 7 months in and I still wake up everyday hoping to see a text from him on my phone, hoping he'll walk through the garage door and straight into my arms. 
The awful part about living without them is that we are forced to define our lives again. We have to search for a new meaning, additional meaning to keep moving with our lives. 

It's perfectly okay that your only answer at the moment is to bring him back. You are still so early in all of this. As you continue to pass though your grief journey, you will eventually find other answers. But right now, you don't have those. And that is 1000% okay. I will encourage you to keep going though. You may find that your counselor will become someone with whom you can talk about anything without judgement. We here can do that, but we are also dealing with our own grief. A counselor is a completely neutral party with no drama of their own to add to your situation. I would encourage you to go for a few more sessions before you make any big decisions about not going. 

As for the makeup thing, I completely understand. For months after his death I didn't wear makeup. It was effort enough just to shower. But I needed something in place to stop all the pity look and platitudes I got, so now I put on makeup. It covers up the dark circles underneath my eyes and makes me look like I am just fine. I know that I am not, and everyone else is ignorant enough to believe the mask. 
Your reason for putting on makeup is perfectly valid. I wear makeup because while my fiance also loved my natural look, I always liked to put in a bit of effort for him. I wear makeup now to honor him, to show him that I am still putting effort into our relationship. Unfortunately, many people think that I am doing just fine because of it. Bless their poor, ignorant souls, for they know nothing about our suffering. 
And just because you wear makeup doesn't mean that you have to tell people you are doing fine. Tell them how awful you feel, tell them that you put it on to motivate yourself to not cry. Tell them whatever you want. Just remember that they know nothing about you and your situation. You can decide what people know and how they view you. 

Our bodies are truly amazing things. Despite everything that has happened, our brains continue to keep us functioning and mobile. Life will seem very pointless for a long, long time, but our brains and our bodies believe in us. 

[Millie681]

13 hours ago, Forever His x said:

Granted since the day this happened i have been struggling , there have been no good days or even better days but have been worse days , today is one of them days , i dont want to be here anymore without him i could quiet happily just end it all now . whats the point ? 

had my first session of therapy yesterday , it was "ok" just getting to know each other and the situation and he said a few things that made me think hmm yeah ok , but i find it hard that his trying to help me and with my way of thinking yet my answer to everything is just bring him back ! . thats all i want there is no other way of dealing with this . 
and when people go to me oh you seem better than you did last week , Because !! i have started to put small amounts of make up on my reason for this is he thought i was so beautiful without my make up and said i didnt need it , so why should others get to see me how he loved me , so its like putting a mask on but no others dont get that its just to hide away from everything and in a weird way respect for him , but oh dont worry im doing better because i got mascara on and i spoke today ! 

i dont understand how my body is getting through the day how is it even moving , how am i meant to live the rest of my stupid stupid pointless life without him at the age of 24 brilliant . 
yes i have our son to look after and i get that he is so important to me the reason i am doing what im doing , but for my self not him or other family for my self , what is there now . 

i well and truley give up . 

I understand everything you are saying. And at any age we want to give up. I do the same exact thing. He felt I looked beautiful in everything & now I don't even want to get dressed in the morning. I really don't have words of wisdom to make you feel "better" or console you because I am struggling myself. All I know is you have to take it hour by hour minute by minute. I am sorry that the counseling didn't feel like it was helping but talking may be more what you get out of it. More then anything else. Sometimes just sharing stories & talking will help. I don't pretend to be profound & have the answers but we all here understand & are here for you. It isn't enough I know! Please don't try & push yourself. I read your posts & I feel like I wrote them myself. Just take every day as they come. The pain is unbearable I know but please be kind to yourself & allow yourself this time.

It is tough when people say oh you look pretty today or you look like your holding up. All you want to say is  No No I'm not! They mean well & they are trying to be kind. There is so much misunderstanding & people don't know what to say or they say the completely wrong thing but they mean well. Please be kind to yourself first. This life wasn't meant for any of us. It is lonely & sad & you think why?? Why??  I understand what you are feeling & saying but please don't give up.