Loss of mother, guilt and anxiety

[Dragonheart]

 Hi all, I've never done this sort of thing  so I apologize if this is posted in the wrong place or if this is not the right way to post.  I am 26 and  I lost my 59 year old mother about a week ago to stage four brain cancer. After everything has finally settled a bit, I find myself feeling so terribly guilty  about anxiety I'm having.  

I am so blessed because  I know she died without much pain, she died in her own home, she died with a lot of care around her, she died with her family around her. I was so blessed to be able to stay with her these past two months as her condition deteriorated rapidly.   Now I'm suffering from anxiety every single day and I am on the verge of panic attacks which I've had for but are coming with more frequency. And I just feel so selfish that I'm having all this happen to me guilty that in someway I'm making my mothers death about me by feeling anxious and Having dark thoughts,.  I know I am not my anxiety, but I just feel like I'm walking in fog and as I watch the news I feel like the world is burning to the ground. Have people felt this way before, I'm sure they have, I just feel like I'm floundering.

 

thank you and all my best

peace and love, dragonheart 

[MayFGL]

Dear Dragonheart'

I'm so sorry that you lost your mother at such an early age. It is a very devastating experience for anyone at any age to go through. You mom's passing was similar to my mom's except she was in hospice. My mom died from a massive stroke. Like your mom, she was in no pain, she passed with her all of family (siblings, in-laws, grandchildren, great-grandchildren) around her. She passed away peacefully. 

What you're feeling is normal. It's all still too fresh for you. I never felt anxious just sad and confused at times. I would forget people's names, but I don't know whether it's due to the strokes (one major and 3 minor) or what...even family names. I'm glad you were able to spend time with your mom. Just know that your mom will always be with you. I was mom's caretaker for years. It is just 16 months for me. It doesn't seem like it was too long ago. I have goods days and bad days. I still cry. I miss her so much.

I'm glad you found your way to the site. Most of us post on the pinned Lost a Parent (Mother or Father). If you would like, you can join us there. We have an amazing group of people who are very understanding and compassionate. We won't judge you and can post anything even venting.

Please take care

May

[GingerMeadow]

Hello there Dragonheart,

I'm new to this forum as well, just now signed up. I feel so relieved reading your post because like you, I lost my mother. She died very suddenly 2 weeks ago and I never got to say goodbye or that I love her or how she was such a great mom. 

When I read that you're experiencing dark thoughts, a HUGE weight lifted from my shoulders. I've had dark thoughts as well, and they're very sudden, random and intrusive. It all started last night and after having a massive anxiety attack at dinner earlier about those thoughts, I honestly thought I was going to have a meltdown and be sent to the psych ward. 

You're not alone in this. I'm so sorry you lost your mom at such a young age. Mine was 66 and I consider that young but to think of losing her at 59...that's just so sad and breaks my heart all over again, for you. 

I'm glad I came across this forum and I'm so thankful yours was the first post I read. I don't feel quite as crazy now (I only say that since nobody else can relate therefore they don't understand what I'm dealing with when it comes to anxiety) and it's a good feeling to know these feelings happen to other people as well. As awful as the feelings of guilt and anxiety and dark thoughts are, we do not stand alone. 

Thank you so much for sharing your story and what you're going through. It has been tremendously helpful.

Sincerely,

Krystal 

[Dragonheart]

HI there Krystal,

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. And at such a young age. Peace, love, and grace. That is what my mom taught me, and I only realize it now. It is grace, however you define it, grace is what keeps us going-  and I am not religious but I would say my spirit soars with grace  hopefully.  I know no words can express what we feel, but I actually think they can express somewhat what we are going through. 

Please don't feel crazy, all emotions are true and painful and valid. I have had all kinds of thoughts, from anxiety to other darker and the darkest of thoughts. But what I keep reminding myself is that these thoughts don't define who I am. But I hold on to these beliefs because I think we need them now. 

Anxiety, I wake up with it and am near panic every moment, and what's hard in my case is I am an actor who deeply cares about his craft and fears he can never act again after my mother's passing bc I am static. But I don't know.

I am so grateful our stories have found each other GingerMeadow and I hope we all in this forum can heal.

 

peace and love, dragonheart