recent Loss of husband

[Totalyclipse]

I recently lost my husband of 39 years, married jun 26th 1976, he passed away here at home july 9, 2016, i was holding him as he went peacefully, our 40th was only weeks away and now today my birthday, the second thing i have had to deal with alone, sometimes i wonder if he was real or just my imagination, other times im so very angry even though i understand why, he was everything, to me, we did everything togeather, i cant take a walk, go fishing, shopping anything we did togeather causes this roller coaster from hell with ice on the tracks to slip and slide dangerously to the edge of my sanity, my friends on fb tell me happy birthday , my thought is "its not happy" but i dont say anything i dont want to hurt my friends and family, so i hide my pain until im alone then wish i had someone here to just hold me while i break down again, and again, alone, lost dont know what to do...who am i now, what am i going to do, alone is scary,....

[velvettuberose]

My sincerest condolences for the loss of your husband. I feel your pain. Your loss is very recent.

You don't have anybody that could help you or stay with you until you can manage a bit on your own?

[KayC]

I, too, am sorry for your loss.  People don't understand if they haven't been through it.  I just posted something similar about feeling like I dreamed up my husband because our life together feels like a figment of my imagination, but no, we really were married, he really was a person.  I wish you had kids or someone who could stay with you a while, gosh it just happened!

It helps to express yourself, say how you feel here, it helps to know what you're feeling is normal and there's others who have been through it and understand.  Of course you feel angry, how else could you feel!

[claribassist13]

Your loss is so recent. I would just focus on grieving for now. The rest of your concerns can be address at a later time. The only time table you are on is the one you create for yourself. Allow yourself to grieve for the person you lost and for the person you were. Both are tremendous losses. 

I second the ladies above. If you have family that can stay with you for a while, I would recommend it. I would also recommend getting in to see a grief counselor as soon as possible. 

[Totalyclipse]

I have my second daughter in tacoma, but she has her two teen boys shes raising by herself i hate to bother her, she has used every weekend since to come here to be here, i dont want to have her put her life on hold, i cant go there, i have pets and no one to watch them for me, grief counseling i find i do better with ppl like you all who have been there done that,i appreciate some of the thoughts you have all expressed and will probably be back to re read them to remind myself, but i thank you all for talking to me about it, im calm right now its usually nights and when i wake up at 3 a.m. my usual time to help him with things, then i cant go back to sleep, i am finding it hard to be interested in anything, so i get up dressed and out the door to go fishing  even though for some reason they arent biting right now, my husband caught a 16 incher his last day, i think he cursed the pond lol, yes i tend to throw jokes, i figure maybe laughter it does help for all of two seconds....anyway....i was told by one counselor i have to re invent myself, i havent gone back guess i wasnt ready to hear that yet..i look forward to getting thru this with the help of new friends who know what i am feeling and going thru..thank you

[Krantz]

Laughter is good and please keep thinking of the funny times you and your husband spent together! My fiancé and I (well primarily me) joked around a lot and I still laugh over the simple things he said. Waking up the middle of the night is apparently a common part of this grieving process. That happened to me quite a few times. If anything, I've been wanting to just sleep. I constantly feel tired and fatigue.. Please if you ever need to chat, we are all here for each other! It's going to be a long road ahead of us!

[Totalyclipse]

Thank you Krantz me too just want to sleep ive developed a button on my butt , i sit down i start to fall asleep, never i have always been energetic constantly doing something,and i wake up feeling awful, groggy, head achy, bones ache to beat the band, and feel like doing nothing more than crying and then omg, stuffy nose, worse head ache, sore eyes from rubbing the tears away, I have to now Force myself to move when i just want to curl up and never wake up, and no that does not mean im suicidal, i am not no thoughts that direction...

[KayC]

I'm glad you have your sense of humor, it's so important, even if our laughter/smile is a brief moment, it's a brief respite from the pain.

I know pets tie us down, but I'm glad you have some to keep you company.  Mine are my joy and saving grace.

[claribassist13]

If you don't have any family to support you then I would definitely start seeing a counselor. You will need someone to be looking out for your best interest and to keep an eye on your mental state. A grief counselor is a great option for several reasons. One, they are a neutral party. You can say everything and anything that you need to say without judgement. A counselor will also be able to give you tips on ways to honor your loved one and coping mechanisms to ensure that you don't fall prey to clinical depression or grief addiction.

Keeping active will help some, but you also don't need to rush it either. You are going to have days that you just can't make it past the bedroom door, and those type of days are okay to have. Your dogs will help to keep you somewhat active. Plus they make great cuddle buddies! Let them love on you the way on a dog can. 

Laughter is necessary. It's a reminder that you aren't completely off the deep end. Enjoy those moments when they come.  

As far as re-inventing yourself, your counselor simply means that you are a different person now. You were a different person before you met your husband, you were a different while you were with your husband, and you are a different person now that your husband is gone. We all have to find a way to live with this new person who has suddenly invaded our body. It's nothing you need to really address right now, but know that you have been fundamentally changed. 

[KayC]

Sometimes a counselor (or anyone) says something that strikes a chord in us and we react vehemently against it.  Perhaps what they are saying contains terminology that could have been better put with different words.  I've learned that how we say things DOES make a difference to grievers...we are oh so sensitive, our brains, our hearts, our souls have been put through the wringer!  Perhaps it'd be good to go back to that counselor and tell him/her the words that bothered you and why.  It's okay to feel that way.  There have been things people have said to all of us that struck us wrong, even when they meant well, even when they meant something entirely different than the way it came across to us.

[claribassist13]

I second KayC's point. If you don't tell people that what they say or how that how they said something bothers you, then you are only going to isolate yourself from the people you need. Many of them mean well, but just don't know how to say what they would like to say. Try to take the stupid things people say and tell yourself that this is their way of simply trying to tell you that they care. 

[KayC]

I belong to another grief board, and on it, someone said they REALLY hate it when people say, "I'm so sorry for your loss."  I don't know why, but this strikes a sore spot within her.  She responds by saying, "So am I!"  I asked her, so what would you prefer people say to you?  (She didn't answer.)  They ARE sorry.  It seems to me to keep it simple is better, the more we open our mouths the worse it gets.  We are so thin skinned when we are grieving that there's not much that people can say that doesn't come across offensive.  I still say "I'm sorry for your loss", I don't know what else to say but I want to express my sorrow at someone's pain.  One thing we can unilaterally agree on are the platitudes are totally inappropriate.

"He's in a better place."  (What's better than with ME?)

"His work here is done."  (Not with me and the kids it wasn't!)

"God must have needed him."  (So did I!)

"You need to move on."  (%$!*#@)

"You'll find someone else."  (I didn't get a divorce, I don't WANT someone else!)

There seems to be no end to inappropriate platitudes people say...all made in a effort to make us feel better.  It sure misses the mark!  We can be totally angry with what they say, yet try to forgive them for being ignorant.  It helps me to keep in mind that in order for them to understand how I feel, they'd have to go through it...and I wouldn't wish that on anyone!  It is totally okay to reply to their stupid comment by setting them straight, in a respectful way, of course.   I REALLY grew some moxie after I lost George!