Grief Doesn't Change You, It Reveals You. Do You Agree?

[Jeff In Denver]

I do.  I feel raw, as though all of the extra layers have been stripped off of me.  I met with a counselor yesterday, and I explained to her how profoundly this has affected me.  I feel as though I am just me.  I don't have any armor, no protection against the world, some anger, no arrogance, no selfishness, and not much of anything else.    I feel as though I can look at my relationship with my girlfriend in a much clearer and deeper way.  I know now what I should have fixed.   It just sucks that I needed this in order to wake up and see myself, how much love I feel for her, and how I could have done some things differently.  It has made me see more of how I really am, and what I need to work on.  But at such a terrible cost.

Have you had a similar experience?

Finally, there is this quote: " We come to take our loved ones for granted precisely because we delude ourselves into thinking they are going to be around forever. We feel okay about harping on the small things, we get impatient and easily irritated, we take our anger and frustrations out on the people we love. We grow so accustomed to having them around that their presence stops being a miracle. "

[KayC]

I think most of us feel it changes us, but I agree with the "it reveals us" too.

[velvettuberose]

Yes, it does. It makes you realize that you are only a mere mortal. It makes you humble, angry at times, generous even, very vulnerable and yet strong. If you are able to survive the pain of losing your loved one, you can face pretty much anything.

My experience...I absorbed all my husband's problems. I thought it was up to me to fix them. I lost my identity in a way by focusing solely on his issues. That is not a bad thing when you love someone with all your heart, but it consumes you. Who is going to solve my problems? He is gone now...not by his own choice...and I am left to deal with all this pain. I miss him every single day. He was my life. I don't have any family here in the US. My family is in Europe, Romania. So, I am alone. 

[CassKD]

I would agree, sure. Grief forces us to realize things about ourselves that we may have hidden from formerly. I think it can also change us, maybe, but it's so hard to tell where the line is between a change and a realization. For me, grief has made me much more compassionate and sympathetic to others who are hurting. Strangely however, it has also made me surprisingly bitter towards people whose lives I consider to be smooth-sailing. I find myself getting angry with many of my friends who, being in their early 20s, are predominantly living pretty carefree, lighthearted lives. I have to remind myself all the time that my loss wasn't their faults, and that I wouldn't wish this pain on any of them. I've always been a pretty empathetic person, but I've also always had a bitter of a temper. Losing Dillon has helped me to recognize the way these traits affect the rest of my personality and to help me be more aware of when my anger is being displaced.

As for your grief causing you to realize what you should have fixed in your relationship... That's so difficult. I've often found myself recounting little moments when I took Dillon for granted or snapped at him over something stupid. It's important not to beat yourself up over stuff like that. We're all human -- even the ones we have lost, who we often idolize and place on something of a pedestal, were human. They had their own flaws, too, and I think it's important to remember that if the tables were turned, your girlfriend would almost certainly not hold any of the flaws you see in yourself against you. 

I guess whether you want to call it change or revelation, grief at least causes a major shift in the way we view ourselves, and the way we interact with the world, for better or for worse. I'm glad to hear you're seeing a counselor. Sometimes counseling can definitely feel like more of a financial strain than it's worth (it's going to keep hurting anyway, right?) but I've found that just having a place where I can speak Dillon's name and talk about some of the confusing pain that comes with loss validates the feelings of profound love and bereavement that we carry around with us everywhere.

Finally, thank you for sharing the beautiful quote. Reading it hurt my heart because it's so poignant and so very relevant to people in our situations.

[claribassist13]

I am not sure if I have been reveal in anyway, but  I feel that many aspects of my life have been revealed to me. For example, I had several people I considered close friends that I now would never trust with anything. I have people I was not so close to really step up and show that they care. I have realized that most of my problems in life are so small and I have really had my mind focused towards the things that I think truly matter in this life. 

So maybe grief hasn't revealed me, but it sure has changed me/brought out different traits within me. I find that I am less patient towards the problems of others because I view their problems as mere small potatoes. I watch my friends' relationship and I just want to shake some sense into them.

I think my last sentence has a lot to do with the fact that I (personally) don't feel that your quote relates to my relationship. I have heard many people say that they didn't realize how much they loved the person they lost until they died or that they realize now what mistakes were made or what moments were missed. I don't have any of that. I never took my relationship with my fiance for granted. I knew exactly what I had and I did everything in my power to ensure that we never had missed moments or regrets. I lived everyday in wonder of the fact that he was choosing to spend the rest of his life with me. Even after dating for more than 2 and half years I was still astounded that he woke up everyday and loved me. We knew exactly what we had and we made sure to express that everyday. We never had a fight (in the 6 years we knew each other including the years we dated). Never once did I take his presence for granted, so I have never felt the feelings that come with realizing all the regrets one has. I simply do not have any. 

[Jeff In Denver]

CassKD, you really understand this stuff.  I’m very sorry to read about your losing Dillon.  You have made so many good points in your message.   I think you’re right – it does change us, and it does reveal us, but that line is hard to see sometimes.  And I totally get what you mean about the carefree lives of others.  When I arrive at the office on Monday mornings I hate the breezy:  “Hi Jeff, did ya have a fun weekend?”  I get that from people who know what happened.   They act like I’m perfectly okay, but I don’t hold that against them.

I also think we tend to forget their flaws (I’m glad you mentioned that).   I agree with the pedestal part.  I know I have done that and still do.   I think we all do.   But she is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I would give anything to have her back.  Sadly, sometimes we need someone's absence to show us how much we love them and how important to us they are.

Claribassist13, that is really good that you were so aware of your relationship when it really counted.  We don’t hear that very often.  I know what you mean about people and their small problems.  But they have probably never experienced what we have.  It does annoy me, though, to hear petty relationship complaints.  They haven't climbed our mountain.

[velvettuberose]

Yes, they have not climbed our mountain and probably will not for some time. I get upset when I look around me and people dance through life with no appreciation for what they have. Or they complain about stupid stuff. Just be grateful that you have your loved ones still with you, people!!!

I never romanticized Walter in his death. Our reality was messy at times. He was stubborn, didn't want to see a cardiologist saying that he was fine.

Sometimes I get angry at him because he died...not by his choice...and left me with all this pain. But, then, I feel guilty and say, "I am sorry, baby. I did not mean to be angry with you."

Today, I am hurting more than any other day. 6 months since he passed. I miss him so much. We shared a special bond. 

[Jeff In Denver]

I am so sorry that you are hurting, and that you don't have friends or family here.   It is the worst feeling imaginable to so deeply miss someone.   I wish I could help.  I posted a recent quote I had found that said:  "Grief is love turned inside out."  Wow, does that make sense...  Of course if it had been you instead of Walter, he would be going through this now.  

The anger is normal, and it seems that you have a handle on it.  

I am now reading "The Light Between Us," and  I was wondering if you had any thoughts on that.   I am looking for any way possible to communicate with Milagros, to make sure that she is safe, and for her to know that I want us to be together forever.   If this stuff is true, you might be able to do the same with Walter.

 

 

 

[Krantz]

I understand how you feel.  The love I have for Adam is so strong, but looking back, I sometimes wish I could've done better for him.  But then again, you say that you could've done things differently, would you think that she'll feel the same way? Please don't put yourself down.  I think its only normal that we feel this way towards ourselves and we just want things to go back to normal with your loved ones.

[claribassist13]

Jeff,

It's true that many people have yet to climb our mountain. I am so happy for them and so envious of them at the same time. I wish it was possible for them to realize how everything can be lost in the blink of an eye. Maybe people would treasure their relationships more. I wish that everyone could have the relationship that my fiance and I had. 

As for your quote, it is probably the only other thing (besides the one that I have attached below) that I feel adequately describes our situation. Our grief is so awful because our love was so beautiful. Opposites exist in the world, and love is no exception. It just hurts more than anything else I've ever experienced. 

 

[KayC]

For me it's revealed the inner strength I have.  I already knew our relationship was amazing, we appreciated each other each and every day, so nothing more to reveal about that.

[Jeff In Denver]

Claribassist13, I like that quote.  Thanks for sharing.  When I read your posts I can't believe how young you are.

KayC,  the fact that you both appreciated each other every day says so much.  I don't know too many people who can say that.  

 

[KayC]

We'd both been married before but never experienced the kind of relationship we had with each other.  It's like we waited (or were prepared for) our whole lives to find each other, only to be ripped away far too soon...but then I think all of us felt we lost our Love way too soon.  

[Jeff In Denver]

KayC, you're right.  No matter how much time we spend with them it's never enough.  But being ripped away from each other at an early age is just so wrong.  If you had both been in your 90s it would have been bad, but...

In our case, we had broken up three times in 10 years (always my fault).  When we got back together 2 1/2 years ago, we were doing pretty damn well.  And then the cancer came back with a vengeance two years ago, and the last 6 months was spent in the special hell of not doing anything joyful, but instead seeing my girlfriend suffer as her health deteriorated despite our very best efforts.   We finally make it work, only for this to happen.

This stuff absolutely haunts me.  

 

 

[KayC]

I think the whole thing about how they died, about being ripped apart from us, haunts us.  Whether someone is 20, 50, or 90, death is hard, and for those of us left behind, it feels way too soon and abrupt, but you're right, when they're young, it seems like a real gyp.  The thing about life and death is, in our culture, we don't seem to keep in mind that death is part of the life cycle and none of us are promised any certain number of years, yet we seem to think we're entitled to at least the average number.  My little sister lost her daughter at less than two years...along with mourning her, she also mourned her loss of dreams for her.  I think all of us do, as a secondary loss.

[velvettuberose]

I guess death is the ugliest part of the life cycle. On the other hand, we don't know what happens to our loved ones, their spirits, once they pass. 

[KayC]

I've clinically died twice in my life and been brought back.  The first time was when I was donating blood and my blood pressure was too high and they took the blood anyway, and they lost me...my kids were little and they were watching.  I could see what was going on when they were working on my body (I was above).  I felt like I had a choice, whether to leave or stay, it seemed alluring to leave, it was peaceful, good, but I chose to stay because I felt I needed to raise my kids.  (That doesn't mean everyone gets a choice, but I did).

The second time was 1 1/2 years ago, I died on the operating table.  They had to restart my heart.  When I was in recovery, I kept stopping breathing, this went on for a couple of hours, they'd yell at me to breathe, it was really hard, I just wanted to succumb.  Again, I felt like I had a choice and I chose to stay because I needed to be here for my dog and elderly cats.  I had to try with everything within me to stay, it was a very hard fight to stay alive.

I don't view death as ugly at all, but peaceful, but it sure is hard on the ones left behind.  

[velvettuberose]

Maybe because not a lot of people have experienced what you have, Kay. 

For the family, seeing your loved one dying is not pretty. Seeing Walter die was ugly because I was on this side of the fence. I was in shock. I did not want him to die. For him, it may not have been a problem, but I really don't know that because I was not in his head when he died. 

Actually, when I was 14 years old, my dad had a syncope, meaning his heart stopped beating for a few minutes. He regained consciousness eventually, but what he described was that he found himself in a place with a lot of light, he was not afraid anymore and in a way, he felt happy and carefree and then he woke up. 

[claribassist13]

9 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Claribassist13, I like that quote.  Thanks for sharing.  When I read your posts I can't believe how young you are.

KayC,  the fact that you both appreciated each other every day says so much.  I don't know too many people who can say that.  

 

I think it just goes to prove that true love and grief (of any kind) knows no age limit.