One Month Today

[Jeff In Denver]

Well, today marks one month in the worst chapter of my life.   My girlfriend had breast cancer and was doing poorly for a long time before June 14th.  But still, that was a blow that I wasn't expecting.

Here we are a month later.  Today I feel kind of numb.  Not really bad, not good, not average.   I feel as though something is very wrong, but I am eating and sleeping better.  I think about her morning, noon, and night.  

I am having trouble picturing her.  I hope this doesn't mean that I am putting her behind me.  I hated feeling destroyed, but I don't like this, either.  It's hard to explain.  Hey, it's only been a month.  That isn't enough time to get over losing someone like this!  I just feel unsettled, for lack of a better word.

Any thoughts?  This is strange for me.   Thanks.

 

[velvettuberose]

Hi, Jeff!

Sorry to hear that. Feeling numb is how the brain protects us from traumatic pain. After all, you experienced something traumatic. You miss her that's why you feel that something is wrong. She was part of your life and now she is not. It is normal. You are not forgetting her. It is just you can't remember things about her...yet...because your mind is blocking them. After all it is just one month. I can't say for sure that you will feel like that every month.

One month after Walter's death I was still in deep shock. Every month on the 4th, in the evening, I relive everything that happened the evening he died. Anxiety is always present at night. I used to have flashbacks almost every day. I don't have them anymore or rarely if they are triggered by stress.

Give yourself time to process everything. It is still new. And yes, it is strange because you miss her. In your movie so to speak, she was supposed to be there.

I hope it helps.

Alina

[claribassist13]

Having trouble picturing Mila is actually a pretty normal thing. As short term memories are processed by our brains into long term memories we often forget specific, minute details. It's a completely normal brain function, but add the stress of losing that person, and maybe it's a bit accelerated. 

If you are really worried about it, consider keeping a picture of here somewhere that you can easily access it. I have a picture of my fiance for both my lock and home screen on my phone. It's comforting to look at him everyday to prevent myself from ever forgetting. 

It's normal to still feel numb. Your brain, in some part, is still processing the fact that Mila passed. I would imagine that in the next couple of months you will start to feel more emotions. However, I am a little over six months in and I still feel numb most days. 

[Jeff In Denver]

Thank you both.  I appreciate what you wrote.  That really does make sense.   Very well said, too, by the way.  Most of my days and nights have been terrible.  The weekends, nights, and waking up are  nightmarish.  This numbness is been a little detour from that.  I am meeting with a regular counselor today, and a grief counselor on Friday.

When we lose somebody, our future with them is gone, of course.   But we're still here, in the mud, trying to make things right. 

That's something I hadn't thought about before this happened.  Your life is a mess now, and then you have to rebuild everything.  In the meantime, you're just trying to function.  And then there is the cost and inconvenience of counseling and all of the other things associated with this loss.  All of this is just to get you feeling somewhat okay - certainly no better than before.  And no one on this site is enjoying life, unlike our friends and relatives.

I put an ad on Craisglist and talked to several people about their grieving experiences, and it helped both sides.  It's somewhat calming.

Thank you again.

 

 

 

[claribassist13]

I know that the cost of a counselor can be a bit off-putting, but I am so glad that I see one. It's been helpful to have someone to just talk to without judgement. 

I am going to encourage you to continue seeing your counselor. Any help is better than nothing at all. 

[velvettuberose]

You are welcome, Jeff.

I have been seeing a grief counselor since February. I was dealing with a lot of anger towards my in-laws at that time. The anger is still there. But, anyway, it did help although it is costly. I see her once per month now. I used to talk to her twice per month in the beginning.

I tried one of those GriefShare programs, but it did not help me as the religion is involved for the most part and I cannot fathom God taking my husband away from me because HE needed him. So, I stopped going there.

Clari is right. Counselors are neutral, so no emotions are involved. Continue going and if you feel it is not working for you, just stop attending the session. 

Jeff, we are never going to feel the same as before our lives were shattered, but it is going to be a new normal, more bearable in a way. 

Grief is like a Tsunami wave. It comes and goes at its own pace and there is nothing we can do.

[claribassist13]

4 hours ago, velvettuberose said:

You are welcome, Jeff.

I have been seeing a grief counselor since February. I was dealing with a lot of anger towards my in-laws at that time. The anger is still there. But, anyway, it did help although it is costly. I see her once per month now. I used to talk to her twice per month in the beginning.

I tried one of those GriefShare programs, but it did not help me as the religion is involved for the most part and I cannot fathom God taking my husband away from me because HE needed him. So, I stopped going there.

Clari is right. Counselors are neutral, so no emotions are involved. Continue going and if you feel it is not working for you, just stop attending the session. 

Jeff, we are never going to feel the same as before our lives were shattered, but it is going to be a new normal, more bearable in a way. 

Grief is like a Tsunami wave. It comes and goes at its own pace and there is nothing we can do.

I'm glad I am not the only one dealing with some anger/frustration with my (what would have been) future in-laws. 

[velvettuberose]

13 minutes ago, claribassist13 said:

I'm glad I am not the only one dealing with some anger/frustration with my (what would have been) future in-laws. 

Oh, believe me, if my so called mother-in-law was in front of me right now, I would slap her. And I don't care about her age.

She did not cry a single tear at Walter's funeral. That woman will never get my forgiveness. Not that she cares about it.

[Jeff In Denver]

Velvettuberose, thank you so much for writing.  Again, you made some very good points and expressed them well.   I'm not feeling numb anymore, just sad.  This morning I had a very hard time.  Now I feel a little better.  I guess we cycle through this.

Are you still feeling that anger?

I know what you mean about the religious aspect.  I feel the same way that you do.  I cannot imagine a loving God doing this to Walter, you, and everyone else in his life.  I actually talked to a priest about this (I'm not religious), and he said that God doesn't interfere.  I then said: "Well, what about when 15-20 people are praying, begging, for a medical miracle for a very good person, but He does nothing?"  "We're talking about someone who did a lot of good in this world.  She was such a positive influence to everyone.  Why did this have to happen, and why did she have to suffer like that?"  He didn't have an answer.

Yes, riding those Tsunami waves is a necessary process to going through this.

 

[velvettuberose]

Hi, Jeff!

I am glad your are feeling better. Yes, we go in cycles through this never-ending process. I have a hard time at night as it happen in the evening.

I am still angry. As a matter of fact, I am going to discussed it with my counselor today.

As far as the religious aspect, Jim, one of the Army chaplains, who helped me in the early stages of the grief and still helping, said that he does not have any answers as to way good people die. He said bad things happen to good people  and we have no control over it. I do believe there is a law of the Universe; some called it God. We are all spiritual beings, forms of energy; we don't just vanish into thin air. Our energies interact with each other, including with the energies of our loved ones. It is hard for us to understand beyond the shell that our physical body provides, but in fact, we all are connected at a spiritual, energetic level. Hence the chemistry that occurs between 2 beings.

I hope you are having a better day and if you don't, we are here.

[KayC]

You've received some good answers here.  I keep pictures on my walls of my husband and I but the further time goes it seems like our life together was something I dreamed.  I've literally looked at his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his handwriting...no, he really was here!  I didn't dream him up.  I guess as my life began to shape as just myself alone, it seems hard to believe we really had that fairy tale coupledom.  I thank God we had it and remind myself that our love did not die just because his body gave out.  I live my life on faith, believing that the love we had still exists and we will be together again!

[Jeff In Denver]

I was doing relatively okay for a few days.  But now...

Wow, what a night.  It got dark at around 6:00 and then the heavy rain started.  No weather for a bike ride.  The rain hit hard.  I don't think I have ever felt so alone or have missed anyone that much.  I went over to the Mila's photo over the the fireplace. touched it and the box of, well, I can't say it, and told her how much I loved her, missed her, and that she was the love of my life.  I must have cried for 5 minutes straight.  I should be an actor.  I can pretty much cry on demand these days.  I''m not kidding.  Look at me:   A normal, fun, decent, masculine guy normally with a good sense of humor reduced to this.  Life totally sucks. I've still got it.  If I want to meet women I can easily do that.  But my interest in meeting someone for a relationship is in the zero to minus 20 range.

I realized that this is just a taste of the end-of-year holidays.  This is what I have to look forward to.  I was reading "The Light Between Us" on the deck before the rain started.  I'm up to page 87.  So far, not much learned.  I hope so much that she can hear me.  I begged her for an unmistakable sign.   

Then the phone rang and broke the sad, sad mood.

Thanks to this site I can release a small amount of pain.  Thank you for being there.

 

[velvettuberose]

I can relate to what you are saying, Jeff. 

I have been feeling intense anxiety since last week. Fear like I have never felt before and I am close to the 7th month. Every time someone mentions Walter's name or I see something that belonged to him, I sob hysterically. 

Don't be ashamed to show your pain. Grief does that to us. 

[Jeff In Denver]

Thank you, Alina.  You are very kind.  7 months...  As I have read, grief is love turned inside out.  That's why we feel like this.   I have to ask if you have tried - or would consider if you haven't - anti-anxiety medication for when you feel as you do now.  I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting so much.   

 

[velvettuberose]

You are welcome, Jeff. 

Indeed...when you love a person that much, their absence is painful.  I am currently taking anti-anxiety medication, but only at night because of the side effects. It makes me sleepy.

I am sorry too that you are hurting.

But we have to go through this pain now as supposed to just deny it, otherwise it will become worse. 

It is hell though.

[claribassist13]

4 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

 I hope so much that she can hear me.  I begged her for an unmistakable sign.   

Then the phone rang and broke the sad, sad mood.

Did you count that as a sign? 

I personally believe that our loved ones can hear us. I think they are watching and I think they know everything we are facing. I say that because I've had a very singular experience in which my fiance visited me, and we talked about many, many things. 

Maybe it's just me, but I believe it's true!

[Jeff In Denver]

It's funny, I just now looked at that quote and realized that I hadn't meant to put it that way - poor writing on my part.  Now I wonder, but I kind of doubt that that was a sign..  She probably would have given me a sign that was a little clearer, but maybe not...

[claribassist13]

5 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

It's funny, I just now looked at that quote and realized that I hadn't meant to put it that way - poor writing on my part.  Now I wonder, but I kind of doubt that that was a sign..  She probably would have given me a sign that was a little clearer, but maybe not...

You can take it however you want. As long as is significant to you, that's all that matters!