Members CassKD Posted July 12, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 12, 2016 Hello, all. My name is Cassidy. I recently found this forum and am happy to see that there is a place for people experiencing similar life events to help each other out. I am very sorry for all of your losses - I realize this can seem like pointless, bland thing to say to someone experiencing so much pain, but I mean it sincerely despite it's cliche qualities. At 22, I believe I may be one of the youngest people on here. However, I've been told that I'm "old for my age," as most of my young adult life has been spent in a cyclical haze of loss and healing. I lost my first love, Micah, to bone cancer just before my 16th birthday. While losing Micah was difficult enough on it's own and certainly jarring to someone so young and naive, the experience was made worse by the fact that his religiously-fanatical mother (an assistant pastor in our church) decided that God had made Micah sick in the first place as a punishment for the two of us fooling around like...well, like teenagers. She kept him from receiving normal medical treatment because she was convinced that "if God wanted him to live, He would heal him." Obviously, that's not what happened. Shortly after Micah's death, I was shunned from the church Micah and I had grown up in and lost most of my friends and role models as a result. A few years later, I began dating my best friend, Dillon. Dillon was an absolute sweetheart - he had been friends with me throughout mine and Micah's entire relationship, he knew the situation, and was very compassionate and patient. Our relationship was, in my opinion at least, the kind of love many people spend their whole lives wishing for. Even on the hard days, he was the most wonderful, loving, funny person I've ever known. We were together for almost three years. He was killed in a motorcycle accident July 23, 2014. Losing Dillon was a pain I was in no way prepared to deal with. I know to some people my losses seem comparatively small - I have never been married, never had my life entwined with someone else's in that special way. However, to me personally, the weight often seems unbearable. Now, almost two years after Dillon's accident, my days appear as though they have resumed some state of normalcy. I recently graduated from college and am trynig to figure out my next steps. I recently began a relationship with someone who has suffered his own sort of traumas and is, again, very patient and as understanding as someone could possibly be. I have two sweet pets, a family who tries their best to be as supportive as they know how to be, I moved to be near the ocean in search of some respite... However, despite all this, I still feel as though every day begins at the brink of a cliff, and it takes almost nothing to push me over the edge. I try to keep pushing forward, I try to be positive and keep myself busy with things that used to make me happy, but it's as if I almost never feel anything but sadness, heaviness, bitterness, or anger. Prior to Dillon's accident, I was always a very positive, upbeat, active person, even during the darkest times after Micah's death. However, the combined loss of the only two people I've ever been in love with, of my church, my religion, my hometown - all these feelings have created a knot that I just don't know how to start untangling. I ask myself often if life will ever really return to "normal"; I like to think it will, but I just don't understand how it ever could. I want to be happy, to have a successful career and a family, but getting out of bed and out into the world has become exhausting all by itself, and it hurts not to be able to participate in life the way I used to. On the best days, I'm tired and a little melancholy. On the worst, I am furious with God, with myself, with the universe. I often wonder if I'm cursed - it seems like a nasty, twisted joke that I could have lost two loves this early in my life. And yet, here we are. Sorry this is such a down-tempo post - they won't all be, I'm sure - however, this month being the two year anniversary of Dillon's death, I've found it impossible to think about much else and came here searching for a small outlet of people who understand grief beyond the normal trite offerings of sympathy and well wishes. If you've made it this far, thank you for listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted July 12, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 12, 2016 Cassidy, You are definitely one of the youngest on here. I am 20, and I think I have only seen a couple of other members my age or younger. Please don't knock your own relationships. If we really want to get technical here, my fiance was not even my fiance when he died. The engagement he purchased arrived after his accident. Each relationship is special in its own right. Marriage does not make that relationship any more special or influential. My fiance was the one, my true love. I didn't need a marriage to know that this was the guy I was ready to spend the rest of my life with. I am horribly sorry for both of your losses. As you already stated, these words hardly mean anything to us because we have lost so much. Have you ever talked to a grief counselor? With all of the drama (with your church) that surrounded both of our relationships, it might be worthwhile to talk to someone. It seems like you have been able to carry on, but you haven't processed the deaths well. Talking to a grief counselor will enable you to learn some great ways to cope and grieve that will keep you healthy and allow you to truly heal. Keep reaching out on here. There are so many people with some great advice to share. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Krantz Posted July 12, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 12, 2016 CassKD - I completely understand what you're going through. I'm 30 years old and already lost two men who I fell madly in love with. My first relationship (Kevin) passed away from bone cancer (Osteosarcoma) at the age of 24. We were married for only 1 month. 1.5 months ago, I was engaged to Adam who become my best friend and he suddenly passed away on June 1st from a heart attack at work. The sudden death of Adam took a huge toll on me and we were supposed to get married September 20th of this year. I feel the same way as far as being cursed. How on earth with only being 30, going through two horrific deaths of a loved one. Both Kevin and Adam were amazing people and I just don't understand why life is so unfair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CassKD Posted July 13, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 Thanks for the kind words and advice. I hope you two are both fairing well enough. The first year after a loss is always so raw, but in many ways, it's a beautiful time because you still feel very near the one you've lost (or at least, that's been my experience). My heart goes out to both of you. These things are so, so difficult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted July 13, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 The first six months has really sucked. I'm not holding my breath hoping that the next six months will be any better. I'm so glad you joined. A lot of people will benefit from talking with someone who has a couple years under their belt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members velvettuberose Posted July 13, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 I feel your pain, Ladies. At such a young age to already experience loss is indeed unbearable. Just because you were not married to your loved ones does not matter a bit. You loved them with all your hearts and were in a committed relationship. When you love with such intensity, losing that person is excruciating. I am 40, married to Walter for 6 years, together 8 years. His sudden death was a shock to me. After his passing, I was living in a different dimension waiting for something normal to happen. Walter passed away on January 4th, 3 days after my birthday. A lot of dreams and plans for the future gone in less than 10 minutes...my beautiful man...dead. You would say that after 6 months, I am somehow on the path of healing. Well...not true entirely. I am back to square 1. It is like it happened yesterday. It will take time , talking to people who experience the same situation, and will to move forward. For their love and legacy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted July 13, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 33 minutes ago, velvettuberose said: I feel your pain, Ladies. At such a young age to already experience loss is indeed unbearable. Just because you were not married to your loved ones does not matter a bit. You loved them with all your hearts and were in a committed relationship. When you love with such intensity, losing that person is excruciating. I am 40, married to Walter for 6 years, together 8 years. His sudden death was a shock to me. After his passing, I was living in a different dimension waiting for something normal to happen. Walter passed away on January 4th, 3 days after my birthday. A lot of dreams and plans for the future gone in less than 10 minutes...my beautiful man...dead. You would say that after 6 months, I am somehow on the path of healing. Well...not true entirely. I am back to square 1. It is like it happened yesterday. It will take time , talking to people who experience the same situation, and will to move forward. For their love and legacy... While I have always experienced this on this site, it's always nice when a fiance's pain is validated. I feel that too often fiances are shoved underneath the rug or are expected to move on quickly. I have not have been married to him, but that is all just a legality. I was the one who knew him best, the one that cared for him, and the one he was planning a future with. My fiance and I always joked that we were already married in mind and spirit and that a wedding was merely a formality for the rest of the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members velvettuberose Posted July 13, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 You should not allow anybody to tell you that your fiancee's death did not matter. You loved him deeply. A piece of paper is not an indication of how much 2 people love each other. Exactly...you knew him the best and were going to have a future with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted July 13, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 3 minutes ago, velvettuberose said: You should not allow anybody to tell you that your fiancee's death did not matter. You loved him deeply. A piece of paper is not an indication of how much 2 people love each other. Exactly...you knew him the best and were going to have a future with him. I certainly don't allow anyone to say that to me. but it's a pity that I have to take that kind of a stand. His death has been a real eye-opening experience to the world of how grieving fiances are treated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members velvettuberose Posted July 13, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 It is a pity indeed. But our society does not want to deal with loss and grief and shove it away because some of the people do not want to face the fact that we are all mortal beings. You loved PJ and you should be treated with respect and compassion. and fight for them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted July 13, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 5 minutes ago, velvettuberose said: It is a pity indeed. But our society does not want to deal with loss and grief and shove it away because some of the people do not want to face the fact that we are all mortal beings. You loved PJ and you should be treated with respect and compassion. and fight for them. Trust me, I do. I have never once put up with other people's bullshit regarding the situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members velvettuberose Posted July 13, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 Trust me, my husband's family, meaning his parents, had claimed Walter's possessions even though they knew I was his wife, the next of kin, and would inherit all his belongings including his military effects. I had to be nasty about their claim. They did not like it, but...hey...who cares? I was the one living with Walter for 8 years...good and bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted July 13, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 5 minutes ago, velvettuberose said: Trust me, my husband's family, meaning his parents, had claimed Walter's possessions even though they knew I was his wife, the next of kin, and would inherit all his belongings including his military effects. I had to be nasty about their claim. They did not like it, but...hey...who cares? I was the one living with Walter for 8 years...good and bad. Thank goodness you have those rights and could legally claim that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members velvettuberose Posted July 13, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 I did not want to be in that position to claim anything. I wanted my husband still here with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CassKD Posted July 13, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 That's such an upsetting position to be in. I'm so sorry that you had to stand up for rights that were yours during a time when everyone should have just been trying to support each other. After my first boyfriend's death, his mother was so, so nasty to me in a hundred different ways, to the point that I eventually moved away from our hometown altogether because I couldn't stand feeling like people were constantly watching to make sure I was grieving "appropriately" and not "taking too much of the attention away from their family." Fortunately (well, as fortunately as something can be when you've lost your love), this second time through has been somewhat cushioned by Dillon's parents' kindness. They told me they'll always consider me their daughter-in-law (despite the fact that we were never technically married) and have been very open in allowing be to be around/ask question/etc. They even gave me a necklace that belonged to Dillon's grandmother for a college graduation gift, as well as a sizable portion of his life insurance money to help me get started with post-school life. Of course I would rather have Dillon back than all the gifts in the world, but their love and willingness to view me as part of their family has been invaluable since his death because it at least doesn't feel like every trace of him has been forcibly removed from my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 13, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 Cassidy, I am sorry you've been through so much loss. As you've already figured out, sometimes people's platitudes are very inappropriate and leave us feeling worse instead of better. (Such as Micah's mom) Then to lose another love, that's really tough. You ask when normal will return...I'm afraid "normal" changes for us who go through grief. It changes us in such a way that we begin what is a new normal and it really takes time to process this grief and learn to cope and adjust to our new life as it is now. One of the silver linings I have discovered is that we can have a greater compassion and comprehension about things we hadn't previously experienced...grief. I'm glad you have Dillon's family there for you, I'm sure that means a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CassKD Posted July 14, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted July 14, 2016 9 hours ago, KayC said: Cassidy, I am sorry you've been through so much loss. As you've already figured out, sometimes people's platitudes are very inappropriate and leave us feeling worse instead of better. (Such as Micah's mom) Then to lose another love, that's really tough. You ask when normal will return...I'm afraid "normal" changes for us who go through grief. It changes us in such a way that we begin what is a new normal and it really takes time to process this grief and learn to cope and adjust to our new life as it is now. One of the silver linings I have discovered is that we can have a greater compassion and comprehension about things we hadn't previously experienced...grief. I'm glad you have Dillon's family there for you, I'm sure that means a lot. Thanks, KayC. You're right about grief forcing us to reevaluate "normal." That's something I spend a lot of time thinking about. In the space between Micah's and Dillon's deaths, there was maybe a three or four month period right before Dillon's accident when I had started feeling pretty average all the time -- regular emotions, no meltdowns or flashbacks, sleeping normally, etc. I always wonder that sort of clarity is something I'll find permanently, or whether that was just a longer stretch of "good days" that stick out only because they were ended prematurely by Dillon's accident. Either way, it is nice to have the silver lining you mentioned. Feeling this type of deep pain definitely puts us more in tune with others who are hurting, because there's simply no way to explain the feeling of loss to someone who has never lost a loved one. That's one reason I was so happy to discover this group -- everyone here is so open and nonjudgmental. It's a really beautiful change of pace compared to the insensitivity or disinterest I often experience from people who have never lost someone and seem to think "the grieving process" ends at the one-year mark. I'm grateful to have discovered this forum, and grateful for all of you who are so willing to share experiences, feelings, and advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 14, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted July 14, 2016 I so agree. I wanted to hit a "like" button (we have one at my other group)! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted July 14, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 14, 2016 12 hours ago, CassKD said: That's such an upsetting position to be in. I'm so sorry that you had to stand up for rights that were yours during a time when everyone should have just been trying to support each other. After my first boyfriend's death, his mother was so, so nasty to me in a hundred different ways, to the point that I eventually moved away from our hometown altogether because I couldn't stand feeling like people were constantly watching to make sure I was grieving "appropriately" and not "taking too much of the attention away from their family." Fortunately (well, as fortunately as something can be when you've lost your love), this second time through has been somewhat cushioned by Dillon's parents' kindness. They told me they'll always consider me their daughter-in-law (despite the fact that we were never technically married) and have been very open in allowing be to be around/ask question/etc. They even gave me a necklace that belonged to Dillon's grandmother for a college graduation gift, as well as a sizable portion of his life insurance money to help me get started with post-school life. Of course I would rather have Dillon back than all the gifts in the world, but their love and willingness to view me as part of their family has been invaluable since his death because it at least doesn't feel like every trace of him has been forcibly removed from my life. I am so grateful that my fiance's parents have been so wonderful to me. They considered me a daughter-in-law before the accident, but they have maintained that after his accident as well. Having his family willing to share so many of his things with me has been a true blessing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 14, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted July 14, 2016 I'm so glad that has been your experience, claribassist, I haven't heard from my husband's family since he died except once when one wanted something (which he didn't have any more) and a year later when his dad called and badmouthed him. I told him he could call back when he had something nice to say and he never did. George deserved so much better than he got in his family, he evolved way past them, I'm afraid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted July 14, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 14, 2016 1 hour ago, KayC said: I'm so glad that has been your experience, claribassist, I haven't heard from my husband's family since he died except once when one wanted something (which he didn't have any more) and a year later when his dad called and badmouthed him. I told him he could call back when he had something nice to say and he never did. George deserved so much better than he got in his family, he evolved way past them, I'm afraid. It's unfortunate that you have to deal with that. I will never understand how a parent could not be devastated by the loss of their child. I also will never understand how they would treat their child's significant other so badly. I've been treated well by my fiance's family, but I have definitely had to lay down some understandings between us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 14, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted July 14, 2016 He came from a pretty troubled family, I'm just glad he was able to rise above it, he was a remarkable man! I'm glad you've been able to reach understandings between you, it's so important for going forward! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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