Members Jeff In Denver Posted July 9, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 This really nails it: http://www.rebellesociety.com/2013/12/18/5-lies-you-were-told-about-grief/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted July 9, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 Thanks for sharing the article! People like us certainly learn these lessons quickly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members velvettuberose Posted July 11, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 Very true! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Parachute Posted July 15, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 15, 2016 Elements of truth...but I don't relate to it entirely. The 5 basic points are right on anyway...some of the commentary shows me ways we can share grief...but not all the statements ring true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 15, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted July 15, 2016 I agree with the list. Our "moving on" has nothing to do with moving on FROM the person, or even the grief, but rather evolving through this (what I call) maze of grief...eventually creating our "new normal", and believe me that does not happen overnight. I am 11 years out and my life is what I have made it, but without him it is not all that I wanted it to be. That is something we learn to live with. I coexist with my grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members velvettuberose Posted July 15, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 15, 2016 Exactly...that is the word...coexist with our pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted July 15, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 15, 2016 7 hours ago, KayC said: I agree with the list. Our "moving on" has nothing to do with moving on FROM the person, or even the grief, but rather evolving through this (what I call) maze of grief...eventually creating our "new normal", and believe me that does not happen overnight. I am 11 years out and my life is what I have made it, but without him it is not all that I wanted it to be. That is something we learn to live with. I coexist with my grief. Coexisting with grief... That totally nails it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Millie681 Posted July 16, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 16, 2016 Thank you for this. This is so true!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Krantz Posted July 16, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 16, 2016 Thank you for sharing this article! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mittam99 Posted July 16, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 16, 2016 Grief is a very personal thing. For the most part it's a very lonely journey. Since my wife Tammy died, I've learned that other people simply don't understand what it feels like to lose a soul mate. Even many widows and widowers don't quite understand. And those cliches (or lies) that we hear like "you should be over it" or "they are in a better place" etc. are only the words of people who just don't know what to say, because, quite frankly, they're clueless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Millie681 Posted July 17, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 18 hours ago, mittam99 said: Grief is a very personal thing. For the most part it's a very lonely journey. Since my wife Tammy died, I've learned that other people simply don't understand what it feels like to lose a soul mate. Even many widows and widowers don't quite understand. And those cliches (or lies) that we hear like "you should be over it" or "they are in a better place" etc. are only the words of people who just don't know what to say, because, quite frankly, they're clueless. I agree they have no clue what we are going through. I would never wish this pain on anyone but I wish people were more understanding. Losing your soulmate is the loneliest feeling in the world. I feel alone all the time. I've been told oh you didn't grieve this much when your grandmother died? Really? Really? I wish people would just say I'm sorry & be there for us don't try & make us " get over it". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted July 17, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 It's unfortunate that we live in a society that prizes being able to put on a mask. It takes a strong person to share and show their grief, and we as a society should allow people the necessary time to do so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 17, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 11 hours ago, Millie681 said: I wish people would just say I'm sorry & be there for us don't try & make us " get over it". For sure! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 17, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 6 hours ago, claribassist13 said: It takes a strong person to share and show their grief Yes and it's interesting that people seem to think you're "strong" if you don't show your grief. Nothing could be farther from the truth! Merely ignoring your grief does not help you through it, it takes a strong person to face it and deal with it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members velvettuberose Posted July 17, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 8 minutes ago, KayC said: Yes and it's interesting that people seem to think you're "strong" if you don't show your grief. Nothing could be farther from the truth! Merely ignoring your grief does not help you through it, it takes a strong person to face it and deal with it! I heard that before...people saying that if you don't show your pain, you are a strong person. Just like my mother-in-law who did not cry a tear at her son's funeral. She must have been very strong. BS. She just did not care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Millie681 Posted July 17, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 14 minutes ago, KayC said: Yes and it's interesting that people seem to think you're "strong" if you don't show your grief. Nothing could be farther from the truth! Merely ignoring your grief does not help you through it, it takes a strong person to face it and deal with it! I hear that & it just upsets me. It's like oh your so strong your holding up well. No. No I'm not but i can't cry at work all the time. Believe me I do cry there but the days I don't or I don't have dark circles under my eyes it's oh your doing well. I know people mean well but this road is so difficult enough without the judgement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Millie681 Posted July 17, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 8 minutes ago, velvettuberose said: I heard that before...people saying that if you don't show your pain, you are a strong person. Just like my mother-in-law who did not cry a tear at her son's funeral. She must have been very strong. BS. She just did not care. I get what you are saying 100%. My Pauls mother didn't care about her son either. The things that woman said to me about her son after he passed & yet people are rallying around like oh she lost her son you need to understand. Little does anyone know I understood her very well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members velvettuberose Posted July 18, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 18, 2016 1 hour ago, Millie681 said: I get what you are saying 100%. My Pauls mother didn't care about her son either. The things that woman said to me about her son after he passed & yet people are rallying around like oh she lost her son you need to understand. Little does anyone know I understood her very well. So, what was your reaction? I have so much anger towards this woman, I don't know how to ignore it anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 18, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted July 18, 2016 My husband's dad didn't even attend his funeral, he lives two hours away and was offered a ride. Yet a year after my husband died, his father called me, badmouthing him. This is his son, the one who visited him regularly, that brought him things he'd like, that spent time with him! I told him to call when he had something nice to say, he never did. I know George loved his dad, but I'm sorry, I couldn't take his disrespect of him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted July 18, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 18, 2016 5 hours ago, KayC said: Yes and it's interesting that people seem to think you're "strong" if you don't show your grief. Nothing could be farther from the truth! Merely ignoring your grief does not help you through it, it takes a strong person to face it and deal with it! I have to agree with you. It's difficult to face it and deal with it. It's also difficult to wear your broken heart on your sleeve for the world to see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Millie681 Posted July 19, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 19, 2016 On July 17, 2016 at 8:51 PM, velvettuberose said: So, what was your reaction? I have so much anger towards this woman, I don't know how to ignore it anymore. You do what feels right for you. I get they are dealing with the loss of their son but it's a time for us to be there for each other. Not to make an opportunity for themselves. It's not right. I held it in as long as I could until finally I couldn't take it anymore & had it out with her & haven't spoken to her since. It's not what Paul would have wanted but I'd had enough at that point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Krantz Posted July 19, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 19, 2016 I saw our neighbor for the first time since Adam passed away and his condolences were strange. He pretty much said, well if I would've known when and where the funeral, my wife and I would've attended. He didn't say it in a defensive way, but it was a bit odd. Another comment was, which hospital was he rushed to. Do you trust them, were they good? Well Adam didn't have much of a choice but to go there since it was an emergency! He also asked "when is your wedding", I said September 20th, his response: That day is going to be really hard for you.. Thanks for letting me know this, of course its going to be hard! Geeze, don't say anything if you don't know what to say! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted July 19, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 19, 2016 3 hours ago, Krantz said: I saw our neighbor for the first time since Adam passed away and his condolences were strange. He pretty much said, well if I would've known when and where the funeral, my wife and I would've attended. He didn't say it in a defensive way, but it was a bit odd. Another comment was, which hospital was he rushed to. Do you trust them, were they good? Well Adam didn't have much of a choice but to go there since it was an emergency! He also asked "when is your wedding", I said September 20th, his response: That day is going to be really hard for you.. Thanks for letting me know this, of course its going to be hard! Geeze, don't say anything if you don't know what to say! They are just trying to show some concern. It hurts, but try to remember that most people mean well. They are just ignorant, and thank goodness for them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Krantz Posted July 19, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 19, 2016 37 minutes ago, claribassist13 said: They are just trying to show some concern. It hurts, but try to remember that most people mean well. They are just ignorant, and thank goodness for them! Yeah I understand he is more concerned. I'm hurt by the situation and talking to people about this death upsets me. I wish I can just talk about happy things as if he's still around. I understand I can, but its hard for me to think about the good times right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted July 19, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 19, 2016 5 minutes ago, Krantz said: Yeah I understand he is more concerned. I'm hurt by the situation and talking to people about this death upsets me. I wish I can just talk about happy things as if he's still around. I understand I can, but its hard for me to think about the good times right now. It's perfectly acceptable to tell people that you don't want to talk about it. There is no need to torture yourself if you aren't ready. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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