Members Parachute Posted July 7, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 I'm hoping that telling a bit of my story will help me heal...and maybe I can somehow give support to someone else who is grieving. My wife of 39 years was found to have cancer in April this year. Adenocarcinoma was advanced and not detected in time for any treatment other than palliative care. She died in hospice care with us holding hands...June 20. I gave all the time and energy I had to supporting her, spending every night in hospital or hospice...coming home to shave and shower while daughters or close friends took my place for brief periods. I wept in her presence a few times, as quietly as possible, but overall stifled my grief in order to keep her as positive as possible. Sick people don't need to be drowned in my tears. Now, the grief is coming in great waves each day. I have returned to work, but she'd many tears at my desk. Home alone at night is heart rending. I busy myself with home repairs, cleaning, dishes, laundry and gardening...but it only helps for a while and then the flood comes. I still talk to her, wish so much for just an instant with her. Alas, I am like child again. Joyce made me strong emotionally. It was always true, even when we were dating. Now I am broken. Friends, family and neighbors are helping ... But being alone hurts so much I am not sure whether my heart can bear it. I have bobbed up above the waves for these few moments. I hope tomorrow will find me stronger. For all of you others who are grieving, I am very sorry for your losses. My heart truly goes out to you. I am trusting and hoping the Lord will show me the path through this fog. Much love to this community... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted July 7, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 Parachute, We all remain broken for a long time before we begin to see the signs of healing. Allowing yourself to grief as you feel it and when you feel it will be a significant factor in how your healing process goes. Have you considered seeing a grief counselor? You probably feel like not talking to a stranger about what has happened, but a grief counselor will be able to work with you to develop emotional tools and coping mechanisms in order for you to grieve in a healthy and effective way. I am so sorry for your loss. I only knew my fiance for six years. I cannot imagine how 39 years must feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Parachute Posted July 7, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 Thank you for responding. Yes, I am starting with a group session Monday through Hospice. I know I must grieve...but it is very painful. I would never dishonor her by denying the tears. I am grateful for friends who may share a little of this burden with me. We traveled to ID, and I have friends just over the state line in Sula, MT...and others near Spokane. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MadelineMQ Posted July 7, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 Parachute-- Firstly, it breaks my heart to read your story. I, like claribassist13, lost my fiance and partner of seven years in a sudden and tragic accident that occurred 5/26/16. I sat with him in a medically induced coma for 10 days before he passed on 6/6/16. Although I can't begin to fathom what it would feel like to have lost him after 39 years, I do think that love is love and partnership is partnership, and all three of us have now experienced the loss of both and I hope that we can all use our unique stories to help one another through the healing process. I do, however, think it's important to find an individual or group of people who can relate to your specific loss and share their grief experiences (I'm certain you will find their stories to be remarkably similar to your own--you're not alone in this). As a second option, I agree with claribassist13 that finding an individual grief counselor is hugely beneficial. Like you mentioned, you have friends and family around who try desperately to help you, but no one can truly understand what you're experiencing except Joyce. I've found it very helpful to see a grief therapist 1:1 each week to discuss what I'm feeling that week, that day, that minute. Having a neutral third party to listen and guide you through the grief process without just telling you what they think you want to hear (as many of our friends and family do) is very healing. No matter what you decide, my point is that I believe it's very important to seek help. A friend who lost his wife suddenly in September 2015 told me recently that "Grief is like a wound. You have to clean and dress it immediately and often in the beginning. If you cover it up and ignore it, it will surely get infected, last longer, cause more pain, and could end up killing you. If you care for it properly in the beginning you will heal faster and one day look back at the scar it left and be able to smile." Gob bless you both. Madeline Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff In Denver Posted July 7, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 I am so sorry to read your words. What a heartfelt message. You were certainly there for Joyce, and she was lucky to have you. I hope you surround yourself with good, supportive people who will let you talk about this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 8, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 What a beautiful picture, thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm sorry you lost your beautiful wife. You are allowing yourself to grieve, while still functioning at work, etc., that is all we can do. Are you seeing a grief counselor? One trained in grief can sometimes help us through this maze that we are at times at a loss to know where to start. In the beginning, thoughts of my George brought me immense pain. In time that evolved into comfort and encouragement as I carried him inside of me. I found that he is always a part of me, regardless of the abrupt end to his physical body. Thank God our love transcends even that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Parachute Posted July 9, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 With my beautiful daughters and family this weekend. Of course I see my sweetheart in each face. Grandsons are a good distraction. I start group counseling Monday , and may see someone individually too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members raychiefruit_9 Posted July 9, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Parachute Posted July 18, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted July 18, 2016 Panic attack yesterday ...shortness of breath and felt real hot. Started around 3 pm when I was at a planning session for a reunion in October...looked down and saw her birthday on the calendar and lost it. Many tears and hard to breathe. Went home and stayed with neighbors until Pastor and friend came. Began to settle down around 7pm...and finally calmed down and asleep after 10. Back to work today, but left early to see doctor. Group session later today. I was fearful I would lose consciousness and/or my mind...sad thoughts recycling over and over. Neighbors brought chocolate ice cream late last night and that did help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted July 18, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 18, 2016 24 minutes ago, Parachute said: Panic attack yesterday ...shortness of breath and felt real hot. Started around 3 pm when I was at a planning session for a reunion in October...looked down and saw her birthday on the calendar and lost it. Many tears and hard to breathe. Went home and stayed with neighbors until Pastor and friend came. Began to settle down around 7pm...and finally calmed down and asleep after 10. Back to work today, but left early to see doctor. Group session later today. I was fearful I would lose consciousness and/or my mind...sad thoughts recycling over and over. Neighbors brought chocolate ice cream late last night and that did help. I am so sorry you had such a horrible experience yesterday. I wish these things didn't happen, but they do. They'll hit you out of nowhere. I am glad that you were able go home and take the time to calm down. That is the best thing you could have done in the situation. Keep reaching out to us! We'll always be ready to help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted July 19, 2016 Moderators Report Share Posted July 19, 2016 I am so sorry. I want to post these links about anxiety but not sure if it's okay, if not, moderator can remove it. I suffer GAD (anxiety) too and know how horrible it is to have one of these episodes, they're actually very common in grief.http://www.opentohope.com/coping-with-anxiety-in-grief/ http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/07/anxiety-attacks-in-grief-tools-for.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Parachute Posted July 19, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted July 19, 2016 Thanks for responding...I will check out the links. I had a decent day at work...got a crew oriented on starting a large lighting retrofit for UTLX and got some quotations done. Quit early enough to see doctor and get scrips, which am about to take now. Went to group session for grief, and treated one of my friends to a burger afterwards. I think it has subsided for now...but it was scary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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