Now What Do I Do?

[Jeff In Denver]

I lost the love of my life on June 14th.  Most of the time I feel shipwrecked, lost, lonely, scared, and unsure.  I'd give anything to have her back, and I still get into the denial phase.

But I really lost her months ago, thanks to the nasty ways of breast cancer.  No going out to eat, reduced shopping trips, no fun, no walks.  Even conversation became difficult.

I want to honor her memory.  I loved her more than anyone and she loved me the same.  I will never do better and don't want to try.  So what does that mean?  Well, I'll just have sex partners and female friends for the rest of my life?  Do I want to risk being alone?  What if I get sick, hurt, I get stranded, etc.?  I'm now on my own.  I miss calling her every hour. That's gone.  But the thought of eventually meeting someone and falling in love is a terrible one.  NO ONE can be her.  We were one.

I had a massage the other day that was a little inappropriate.  I then found a woman who, for money, will just stay with me for the night.  I have assured her that it's not about sex, and I mean that.  I just need and crave comfort, touch, and maybe a lap to cry on.  Literally.  I posted this on another site and they said that I should be putting the money into therapy, instead.  That this pursuit will just lead to more loneliness and emptyness.   I don't want to disrespect my girlfriend or her memory, and if she can see me, I don't want to hurt her.

I will ask my therapist about this.  This grief stuff is confusing.

 

 

 

[KensLove]

No, no one can ever be her or hold the place that she holds in your heart.   I am too new to be able to offer any experience or advice,  I can only offer a sincere hope that you will find a way of moving forward that brings you peace. 

[claribassist13]

We each have to do what it takes to get us through the day. 

I don't think that craving companionship would hurt your girlfriend. She would want you to do what is necessary to cope with this awful grief while still being able to function day to day. There are so many ways to honor her memory, and it doesn't have to require that you be alone for the rest of your life. No one else will ever come close to replacing her, but that doesn't eliminate the potential for future relationships. 

And remember that you have yet to hit the month mark of her death. Grief is horribly confusing and every single thing you are feeling is valid. It doesn't get better immediately, and so we all do what we can to survive. 

[Jeff In Denver]

Thank you both.

Well, I think I learned my lesson.  Last night I met with a potential sleeping (only) companion.  We went to a coffee shop and then a quick dinner.  Back at my house she grabbed a herself drink off of the wet bar and things got physical fast.  We did everything.  Then, she started stumbling around the house, tripping, falling, and acting very weird.   I was worried about her falling and getting hurt.  She was going to stay the night, but I wanted her out of the house for every reason.  I felt guilty, like I had disrespected my late girlfriend, and the whole thing made me feel ashamed and very, very sad.  I offered to drive her home, as she had taken the bus.  It took us 15 minutes to get her even partially dressed, and she was almost topless in the car.

This was late at night, and I drove her into one of the suburbs to an address that she had given me.  In the meantime, she's falling asleep in the car.  It was the wrong address.  She was so out of it that she couldn't even give me her home address.  I told her to call someone, but she couldn't use her cell phone.  I didn't want the cops involved.

Exasperated, I drove her to a hospital.  I didn't see her after she got out of car, so I drove around the parking lot and even went into the ER.  I then called them.  No sign of her, so I left.   I left her a voicemail. explaining that I didn't appreciate what she had done.  I was hoping she was okay, and that I wasn't in trouble.  I got to bed at midnight and woke up at 5:00, exhausted, sad, and disappointed with myself.   A real low point in my life.  I talked to her picture, cried a lot,, and apologized and assured her that I wouldn't do this again.

She called me on my way to work sounding perfectly fine.  She said that she had experienced a bad reaction to a medicine and alcohol combination. 

Wow.  What a nightmarish learning experience.  I am meeting with a grief counselor today and will bring this up.  I am so off-track.   This is absolutely NO WAY for me to try and fill the huge void in my heart...   There is no substitute for the person we have lost.   I would give anything to have Mila back in my life again, to feel her love, and to give her love. 

[trawna]

Jeff, I lost my husband of 39 years in 2009 to lung cancer, and so I have a certain understanding of your situation, although I know that each of us is different and we act and react in very different ways. I do hope you were able to discuss this openly with your grief counsellor. I had no desire for physical contact, so I cannot comment on that, but I do understand the deep need for comfort and consolation that you felt. I am glad that you recognised your actions were not the way to deal with the pain you are feeling, and I hope your grief counsellor will be able to help you to deal with your feelings in a way which will not let you feel guilty and so lost. Please trust me that you will be able to feel love again ... it may take a long time but please be patient with yourself. You need more time, perhaps a lot more time, and it will not be easy, but you WILL get through this, and you will be able top create new relationships with others that will bring you happiness without ever losing forgetting your love for the love you have lost.

in the meantime, while you heal, do not rush into anything. Take a deep breath, take time, and take care of yourself. I know you will come out of this with a greater understanding and appreciation of your own strength and your own ability to control your destiny.

Your honesty speaks to your sincerity. Kind thoughts are sent your way.

 

[Jeff In Denver]

Trawna,  first, I am sorry to see that you have experienced such a terrible loss.  My heart goes out to you.  I know it was a while ago, but I am sure that you think about your husband all the time.   I hope it's with less pain, though, and with more positive thoughts.  I feel so bad for you.  

I never knew what grief would be like, or what it could be like for others.   No idea at all.  Now I do.

I really appreciate your posting your thoughts here.  You obviously know what you're talking about and your kind, and heartfelt words mean a lot.   Yes, I was open with the grief counselor yesterday.   I was embarrassed as there were times when I couldn't talk as I was crying so much.  Not very manly.

What really stood out in your message was the sentence that mentioned " ...relationships with others that will bring you happiness without ever losing forgetting your love for the love you have lost."  I can't tell you how much that means to me.  I don't want to be alone forever, and I know it's early, but I never want to even try to love someone as much as I love her.   She is part of me and always will be.  I never want to push her aside.    If there is an afterlife, I want to be with her forever - no one else.

I will take your advice.  Thank you so very much for caring.  I will read your message again and again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[trawna]

Jeff I am very glad that you were able to talk to your counsellor and talking about your feelings are so very important. I was lucky enough to have a daughter to whom I could open my heart and it was the very best thing I could do, because there is, along with the grief, also the guilt, t

he guilt that somehow you could have, or should have, or didn't do all the things that you now wish you had done, I know that before I could deal with my true grief, I had to also confront this guilt. It might be silly, but I do think that every one of us who has lost a dear one still thinks of these things, and it continually interferes with our abilities to work through our grief in a positive way. One of my friends has just recently lost her husband and she and I have discussed this issue, and she, too, has this incredible but real guilt (and, to be  totally clear, resentment) about issues that were unresolved between them at the time of his death. While there is nothing that one can do about these "would've, should've, didn't" things, we all feel guilt about them, no matter how trivial they may have seemed at the time they happened, but afterward they tend to haunt us. These do not make you a bad person, they just make you a human. My thoughts are with you as you go through this painful journey.

[trawna]

PS:  "I never want to even try to love someone as much as I love her" If you need to try, then it isn't real. Just let it be, if you wind up falling in love with another (as well as her) you will not have to try, you will just do so! I promise you that this will be true, so don't try, just be open and be true to yourself.

[claribassist13]

On 7/7/2016 at 10:14 AM, Jeff In Denver said:

Thank you both.

Well, I think I learned my lesson.  Last night I met with a potential sleeping (only) companion.  We went to a coffee shop and then a quick dinner.  Back at my house she grabbed a herself drink off of the wet bar and things got physical fast.  We did everything.  Then, she started stumbling around the house, tripping, falling, and acting very weird.   I was worried about her falling and getting hurt.  She was going to stay the night, but I wanted her out of the house for every reason.  I felt guilty, like I had disrespected my late girlfriend, and the whole thing made me feel ashamed and very, very sad.  I offered to drive her home, as she had taken the bus.  It took us 15 minutes to get her even partially dressed, and she was almost topless in the car.

This was late at night, and I drove her into one of the suburbs to an address that she had given me.  In the meantime, she's falling asleep in the car.  It was the wrong address.  She was so out of it that she couldn't even give me her home address.  I told her to call someone, but she couldn't use her cell phone.  I didn't want the cops involved.

Exasperated, I drove her to a hospital.  I didn't see her after she got out of car, so I drove around the parking lot and even went into the ER.  I then called them.  No sign of her, so I left.   I left her a voicemail. explaining that I didn't appreciate what she had done.  I was hoping she was okay, and that I wasn't in trouble.  I got to bed at midnight and woke up at 5:00, exhausted, sad, and disappointed with myself.   A real low point in my life.  I talked to her picture, cried a lot,, and apologized and assured her that I wouldn't do this again.

She called me on my way to work sounding perfectly fine.  She said that she had experienced a bad reaction to a medicine and alcohol combination. 

Wow.  What a nightmarish learning experience.  I am meeting with a grief counselor today and will bring this up.  I am so off-track.   This is absolutely NO WAY for me to try and fill the huge void in my heart...   There is no substitute for the person we have lost.   I would give anything to have Mila back in my life again, to feel her love, and to give her love. 

I'd to remind you that you are only in this thing by 3 weeks. In all reality, you aren't really in your right mind. Your brain is doing so much to process what has happened and trying to keep you functioning at the same time. 
I think you just had a bad experience. You have said yourself that you have been so lonely for so long and have been craving physical affection for so long. This was something that you didn't exactly plan on, and it didn't go the way you thought it would. 

I am all for trying to reconnect with people and for fulfilling your needs, but maybe you need to take some time to find yourself again. You were a different person before you met Mila, a different person when you started dating her, and a different person when you were taking care of her. Now that she is gone, you are a completely different person again. But this new person is much more complex and much more broken. This new person will take time to figure out. 

[velvettuberose]

On 7/7/2016 at 0:14 PM, Jeff In Denver said:

Thank you both.

Well, I think I learned my lesson.  Last night I met with a potential sleeping (only) companion.  We went to a coffee shop and then a quick dinner.  Back at my house she grabbed a herself drink off of the wet bar and things got physical fast.  We did everything.  Then, she started stumbling around the house, tripping, falling, and acting very weird.   I was worried about her falling and getting hurt.  She was going to stay the night, but I wanted her out of the house for every reason.  I felt guilty, like I had disrespected my late girlfriend, and the whole thing made me feel ashamed and very, very sad.  I offered to drive her home, as she had taken the bus.  It took us 15 minutes to get her even partially dressed, and she was almost topless in the car.

This was late at night, and I drove her into one of the suburbs to an address that she had given me.  In the meantime, she's falling asleep in the car.  It was the wrong address.  She was so out of it that she couldn't even give me her home address.  I told her to call someone, but she couldn't use her cell phone.  I didn't want the cops involved.

Exasperated, I drove her to a hospital.  I didn't see her after she got out of car, so I drove around the parking lot and even went into the ER.  I then called them.  No sign of her, so I left.   I left her a voicemail. explaining that I didn't appreciate what she had done.  I was hoping she was okay, and that I wasn't in trouble.  I got to bed at midnight and woke up at 5:00, exhausted, sad, and disappointed with myself.   A real low point in my life.  I talked to her picture, cried a lot,, and apologized and assured her that I wouldn't do this again.

She called me on my way to work sounding perfectly fine.  She said that she had experienced a bad reaction to a medicine and alcohol combination. 

Wow.  What a nightmarish learning experience.  I am meeting with a grief counselor today and will bring this up.  I am so off-track.   This is absolutely NO WAY for me to try and fill the huge void in my heart...   There is no substitute for the person we have lost.   I would give anything to have Mila back in my life again, to feel her love, and to give her love. 

Jeff, I don't think it is bad to crave human touch. After all, human touch heals. I craved that too in the weeks after my husband passed. I simply wanted to be hugged by...a man close to my husband's age. Just a hug nothing more. It happened eventually and was about to escalate into something else. It did not because I stopped it on time. I am grieving, but I am not weak. 

Of course, I felt a ton of guilt. My husband set such high expectations that it will be hard to find someone like him or close to him.