another holiday

[Marty2121]

Here we go....another holiday without my beloved husband Chuck.  It's been 2 year since he went to Heaven and quite honestly I still feel the same.  I don't cry 24-7, but not a day goes by that I don't shed a tear for him.  It seems like the world is moving right along as I just sit it watch with quite honestly...bitterness and envy that they have someone to share their lives with.  Friends, getting out, keeping busy, nothing helps the pain.  Sometimes I do wish I could find a "friend" just to go to the movies, dinner, or have some conversation with.  I'm human and I need that human touch and stimulation, but I've so afraid to date.  I had a son with Chuck, but he lives in Colorado and has his own life.  I don't want to burden him with worrying about me.  When text everyday and I always tell him I'm doing just fine.  But I'm not fine and I don't know how to be better.  Maybe I need to learn to accept the fact that I got dealt a crappy card and deal with it.  I use to love any holiday that came around because that only meant that Chuck and I would have a free day together to enjoy each other's company.  Whether we went out of town or just hung out by the pool, we talked, laughed, planned, and loved one another immensely!!  So on top of everything else...I HATE HOLIDAYS!!

Sorry for venting, but I think all of you are the only ones that understand the pain.  My friends try to understand, but how could they?  I'm only 55 and I feel like the end is near.  Who else feels like I do??

[Forever His x]

Hello , 

i have not come across any holidays yet as its not happened that long ago , but i have the same feelings just towards "life" now . 
i dont just hate the holidays i hate everything now , ive said time and time again on this forum i only get up for our little boy if i didnt have him im not quiet sure what id be up too as for my personal life i dont see the point in anything anymore . 
Im only 24 but my life is over now there will never be anyone else no one could come close to the man he was and the connection we shared nor will anyone else bring up his child or hold him , my whole life has been stolen and im broken and not quiet sure what im meant to do now or how to even carry on . 

[Millie681]

Hi

I completely understand how you feel. Like you said even if it was just a free day together it was something to look forward to. I hate everything now not just holidays. Everyday I get so mad I'm still here.  I see people getting on with their lives and I feel cheated.   Next week will be 4 months without my Paul & I am so sad in this life without him.  

[Millie681]

5 hours ago, Forever His x said:

Hello , 

i have not come across any holidays yet as its not happened that long ago , but i have the same feelings just towards "life" now . 
i dont just hate the holidays i hate everything now , ive said time and time again on this forum i only get up for our little boy if i didnt have him im not quiet sure what id be up too as for my personal life i dont see the point in anything anymore . 
Im only 24 but my life is over now there will never be anyone else no one could come close to the man he was and the connection we shared nor will anyone else bring up his child or hold him , my whole life has been stolen and im broken and not quiet sure what im meant to do now or how to even carry on . 

Hi. 

I am so sorry. I feel the same as you. Everyday is hard not just special days.  I don't have kids of my own but I do know that they are a blessing. The fact you have him is wonderful and hopefully you can find some joy in the holiday or anyday through him.  

[Marty2121]

Hi Millie....you're right, it is EVERYDAY! Even though our only child is 29, he's the only reason I haven't joined my husband.  I get the whole "you've got to move on" and in some way I don't want to.  As wrong as that may sound, I have no motivation to try and make myself better.  I suppose it's the depression.  I have lost quite a bit of hair, weight, and to top it off i'm becoming an alcoholic.  Everything that people tell me it get...I would have been telling them the same thing, but until you walk in our shoes you truly do not understand.  I sit here alone on a Saturday night as the world is out there with someone enjoying the long weekend.  Yes, I'm angry, and yes I know that doesn't do me any good because he's not coming back.  Too bad all of us on this forum that have lost their beloved don't live in the same area otherwise we'd have a mean pity party wouldn't we! 

[Marty2121]

Forever his x and Millie....I feel your pain and loss.  Since this is quite recent for both of you, know that you will go through so many emotions.  There's probably a fog surrounding your mind, I think that's to protect you.  I don't mean to sound negative, but for me the 2nd year was harder than the first.  I want to believe that someday it won't hurt as bad, but for now the pain at times is unbearable. 

[Millie681]

Marty2121,

This is why I really like coming on here. I don't feel so alone when I'm here.  I am going through the same thing. I have no motivation or desire to make myself better.  I just don't. I have actual been ashamed of the things I've been doing since his passing. Ive been drinking more & smoking cigarettes which I didn't do before. I used to exercise & take care of myself & now I think what's the point? I hate that people think because our loved ones are gone and there is nothing we can do about we need to move on. It isn't that cut and dry. I don't have kids or family so for me I have to live with the fact that the one person who thought, loved , & cared about me everyday is gone. Now I'm alone. It's painful. 

I wish we did all live in the same area. I agree I think it would be a mean pity party but very helpful.  I am grateful for having found this site. 

If ever you need to talk I'm here. Please don't hesitate.  I don't know if we will ever get better or get to a place where we can function normally but I am glad to have people that understand and don't judge.  

[claribassist13]

Marty2121, 

Have you tried going to see a grief counselor? I know that seeing a grief counselor for myself really helped. I can tell her anything I'm feeling without judgement, and all she does is sit and listen. She offers me advice and we work on projects together. Mostly, it's all about learning to grieve in healthy ways. Unfortunately we are all stuck here without our loved ones, and so we have two options:

1. We can choose to let ourselves decay into nothing and wallow in our misery or

2. We can choose to live our lives with purpose, being the eyes and ears for our loved one who is passed. 

There is a whole great wide world out there that our loved one will never again witness, and (for me personally) I think it is in some respect our obligation to live our lives in such a way that we living for them as well. 
For example, my fiance and I were both in college working towards our bachelor's degrees. I have no desire to go back to school, but I am going to do it because I am not only graduating for myself now. I'm graduating for him as well. 

 

For all the advice in the world, none of what anyone has to say can truly make a difference unless you are willing to try again. It's alright to be sad, it is perfectly okay to miss him. It's okay to be angry, to tell life that it absolutely sucks. All of that is okay, but don't let it destroy your life. I am sure that Chuck never wanted that for you. 

[Marty2121]

Hi Millie....I too have done many things out of character but you know something, that's ok.  We're in a fog and don't realize the things we're doing.  Let's not worry about that.  We are doing the best we can given the circumstances.  I actually have 2 brothers that live in the same city and a sister that is 4 hours away.  My issue with them is that they're upset with me because I didn't jump into taking care of my elderly father.  After all, I didn't have anyone to take care of anymore!!!!   I was my mother's caregiver (died of pancreatic cancer), my father in law's caregiver (died of stomach cancer), and lastly my beloved Chuck who died of kidney cancer and they expected me to jump back into the role of my father's caregiver? I could barely function let alone do that again.  My brother in law (Chuck's brother) hit on me shortly after his passing, so yeah, basically I have no family either. 

And I know it could be a whole lot worse, but for me this IS the worst!!  I'm here too Millie, and that goodness that there really are people out there that understand and don't judge.  We are all different and we all will heal in our own time and in our own way. 

I don't know if I uploaded this poem correctly, but it is so true....there is no other side!

 

[Forever His x]

i can relate to everything you both say . 

there defiantly is a fog around my thoughts im a mess and i cant accept what has happened . i feel very lucky to have our baby boy and he looks just like him , but life wasnt meant to be this way , so i always find it hard as everything im doing with him he should be doing it to , we were the perfect little family and now i feel totally broken . if it wasnt for our baby i dont know what id be doing with myself to be honest because at the end of the day what is the point anymore in my eyes there isnt . i had the best man he was all mine he was truly made for me and now his been taken and its all just crap . i hate that i wake up every morning . my life is a total mess , the only thing that will make this better is him so chances of that eh !! . 
i feel the same would be good if we all did live closer as we get each other and like you say no judgement on how were feeling and no oh "pick yourself up , yourll be ok soon"
when that is not the case !! 

[Millie681]

7 hours ago, Marty2121 said:

Hi Millie....I too have done many things out of character but you know something, that's ok.  We're in a fog and don't realize the things we're doing.  Let's not worry about that.  We are doing the best we can given the circumstances.  I actually have 2 brothers that live in the same city and a sister that is 4 hours away.  My issue with them is that they're upset with me because I didn't jump into taking care of my elderly father.  After all, I didn't have anyone to take care of anymore!!!!   I was my mother's caregiver (died of pancreatic cancer), my father in law's caregiver (died of stomach cancer), and lastly my beloved Chuck who died of kidney cancer and they expected me to jump back into the role of my father's caregiver? I could barely function let alone do that again.  My brother in law (Chuck's brother) hit on me shortly after his passing, so yeah, basically I have no family either. 

And I know it could be a whole lot worse, but for me this IS the worst!!  I'm here too Millie, and that goodness that there really are people out there that understand and don't judge.  We are all different and we all will heal in our own time and in our own way. 

I don't know if I uploaded this poem correctly, but it is so true....there is no other side!

 

Hi

I just want to say after reading your story you are very strong.  You have to give yourself more credit. You have had to deal with an immense sense of loss over & over & my heart truly goes out to you. 

I can't believe the things that people say to all of us that they may or may not realize is insensitive but we have to let it go.  I choose to think they don't know better and I pray they never have to. 

I loved your poem I'm going to try and find it so I can print it out and maybe frame it. It is so true  

As hard as this is you aren't alone as far as support. Please know that. 

 

[Marty2121]

forever his X....ugh...this sucks so bad doesn't it!!!  as I sit here ALONE, I look outside my window and all my neighbors have friends and family over to celebrate and Im alone.  I do have friends, but I know they get tired of seeing me cry with a drop of a hat because HIS song is suddenly on, or someone is craving a food that HE loved, or a joke that I know HE would have loved.  Thank goodness for your son...and thank goodness he looks like your love!!!  I wish it had been me instead of my hubby as our adult son needed HIM a hell of a lot more than he needs me.  Your baby needs you.  What's his name?

[Marty2121]

Millie...would you like to share more about your situation? 

[Millie681]

Hi

I knew with my boyfriend Paul for 10 years. 5 of those years we were just friends and then it turned into more. I had never experienced love like his before he made me feel so loved. He just recently moved into a new house & I was basically living with him for almost 2 yrs. We figured this year would be the year that we get engaged because everything was going well with our work and lives and the timing seemed perfect. Then one day he got sick which we both thought was the flu. I kept begging him to see a doctor but he wouldn't. He just wanted to rest. By the time I finally could get him to agree to see a doctor it turned  out he had pneumonia. He literally went in the hospital On a Monday morning and died 1 am Tuesday. I'm crying so hard as I write this. I swore that I would marry him the second he left the hospital because it was such a scare. I never thought he wouldn't leave there with me. 

Even as they were finding him a room he wanted me to go home n grab him clothes & things for him and he wanted me to eat because I wouldn't leave him and he wanted to make sure I was ok. I'm so mad that I even left for that hour to get the things he needed because that was one less hour I had with him.

The only positive thing I can say is that before they put him under to intubate him we told each other I love you. Some people don't get that so I am happy those were our last words. 

Im sorry this was so long but as I sit here crying I'm thankful to let this out. 

Thank you 

[Marty2121]

9 hours ago, Millie681 said:

Hi

I knew with my boyfriend Paul for 10 years. 5 of those years we were just friends and then it turned into more. I had never experienced love like his before he made me feel so loved. He just recently moved into a new house & I was basically living with him for almost 2 yrs. We figured this year would be the year that we get engaged because everything was going well with our work and lives and the timing seemed perfect. Then one day he got sick which we both thought was the flu. I kept begging him to see a doctor but he wouldn't. He just wanted to rest. By the time I finally could get him to agree to see a doctor it turned  out he had pneumonia. He literally went in the hospital On a Monday morning and died 1 am Tuesday. I'm crying so hard as I write this. I swore that I would marry him the second he left the hospital because it was such a scare. I never thought he wouldn't leave there with me. 

Even as they were finding him a room he wanted me to go home n grab him clothes & things for him and he wanted me to eat because I wouldn't leave him and he wanted to make sure I was ok. I'm so mad that I even left for that hour to get the things he needed because that was one less hour I had with him.

The only positive thing I can say is that before they put him under to intubate him we told each other I love you. Some people don't get that so I am happy those were our last words. 

Im sorry this was so long but as I sit here crying I'm thankful to let this out. 

Thank you 

Hi Millie...sorry for not replying yesterday, but I spiraled and opted to just go to bed  

Just reading your story tells me how much you and Paul loved each other...what a blessing.  I guess that's one thing we both can say....we knew TRUE love!!  Some people live a lifetime together and really never know what it's like to feel the butterflies when he holds your hand or simply looks at you and words are not necessary.  And you're right, thank goodness you had the chance to say "I love you".  I watched my Chuck dwindle in 14 months since the day he was diagnosed and we did have a lot of time to say the I'm sorries, and the many many I love yous. 

Thank you for sharing your story Millie.  It does help to let it out, and for me I let it out over and over again hoping to make sense of everything.  We'll never know why God chose our men to join Him, but I want to believe it was because they were perfect and ready.  Perhaps we still need to better ourselves before we can join them.  I know I do!

I hope that today is a bearable day for you.

Peace,

Marty 

[Marty2121]

19 hours ago, Forever His x said:

i can relate to everything you both say . 

there defiantly is a fog around my thoughts im a mess and i cant accept what has happened . i feel very lucky to have our baby boy and he looks just like him , but life wasnt meant to be this way , so i always find it hard as everything im doing with him he should be doing it to , we were the perfect little family and now i feel totally broken . if it wasnt for our baby i dont know what id be doing with myself to be honest because at the end of the day what is the point anymore in my eyes there isnt . i had the best man he was all mine he was truly made for me and now his been taken and its all just crap . i hate that i wake up every morning . my life is a total mess , the only thing that will make this better is him so chances of that eh !! . 
i feel the same would be good if we all did live closer as we get each other and like you say no judgement on how were feeling and no oh "pick yourself up , yourll be ok soon"
when that is not the case !! 

I know what you mean when you say "life wasn't meant to be this way".  We had plans for our future, we could taste retirement and traveling and someday be blessed with grandchildren.  We use to pretend that we already had grandchildren and plan out what we would do for them and how we would entertain them.  Ugh....it is crap!!

People mean well when they say stuff like that to us, and oh how I would love to "pick myself up", but it's not that easy.  You are blessed with your baby boy and someday you will tell him what an awesome father he had.  He will know him through you.

I suppose all we can do is live hour to hour right?!  What's your baby's name?

Peace,

Marty

[Forever His x]

4 hours ago, Marty2121 said:

I know what you mean when you say "life wasn't meant to be this way".  We had plans for our future, we could taste retirement and traveling and someday be blessed with grandchildren.  We use to pretend that we already had grandchildren and plan out what we would do for them and how we would entertain them.  Ugh....it is crap!!

People mean well when they say stuff like that to us, and oh how I would love to "pick myself up", but it's not that easy.  You are blessed with your baby boy and someday you will tell him what an awesome father he had.  He will know him through you.

I suppose all we can do is live hour to hour right?!  What's your baby's name?

Peace,

Marty

yes definitely that is what im trying to do each hour at a time but then that feels like trying to take each minute at a time its all just so hard / 
i am very blessed to have our beautiful boy , although like i say i also find it hard as he should be doing everything with him too , some people done deserve to be dads but him wow truly amazing and an amazing fiance just an amazing man its all so cruel and wrong , i really dont know what im / were meant to do anymore i really am destroyed he is everything to me i cant believe i fount him we were so happy i just dont get it all his my soul mate why did this happen and to only be 26 im devastated . i hate waking up every morning as its just another **** day you have to try and get through , even when im asleep my minds still running .
ive finally got my appointment through for therapy so we shall see how that goes in a few weeks . 
id do anything for someone to bring him back to me , i really would i love him with all of my heart and everything i possibly can i really miss him everything about him .

our beautiful little boy is called lucas .  

[Millie681]

4 hours ago, Marty2121 said:

Hi Millie...sorry for not replying yesterday, but I spiraled and opted to just go to bed  

Just reading your story tells me how much you and Paul loved each other...what a blessing.  I guess that's one thing we both can say....we knew TRUE love!!  Some people live a lifetime together and really never know what it's like to feel the butterflies when he holds your hand or simply looks at you and words are not necessary.  And you're right, thank goodness you had the chance to say "I love you".  I watched my Chuck dwindle in 14 months since the day he was diagnosed and we did have a lot of time to say the I'm sorries, and the many many I love yous. 

Thank you for sharing your story Millie.  It does help to let it out, and for me I let it out over and over again hoping to make sense of everything.  We'll never know why God chose our men to join Him, but I want to believe it was because they were perfect and ready.  Perhaps we still need to better ourselves before we can join them.  I know I do!

I hope that today is a bearable day for you.

Peace,

Marty 

Hi Marty, 

Don't apologize. I'm sorry you had a bad day yesterday. I hope today is better and you have more peace.

Thank you for listening. I'm sorry that you and Chuck had to endure so much in those 14 months of his illness but he had you and that time can never be replaced.  You both knew the love you shared and you can carry that with you. 

I don't know either why God needed them but maybe you're right. Maybe we need to better ourselves or there is more for us to do here but I can't see what that could be  

Have you thought of maybe taking sometime away for yourself? Maybe visit your son? 

If there's more you want to share or if you just need to vent we are here.  

I hope today is better for you. 

Millie

[Marty2121]

52 minutes ago, Forever His x said:

yes definitely that is what im trying to do each hour at a time but then that feels like trying to take each minute at a time its all just so hard / 
i am very blessed to have our beautiful boy , although like i say i also find it hard as he should be doing everything with him too , some people done deserve to be dads but him wow truly amazing and an amazing fiance just an amazing man its all so cruel and wrong , i really dont know what im / were meant to do anymore i really am destroyed he is everything to me i cant believe i fount him we were so happy i just dont get it all his my soul mate why did this happen and to only be 26 im devastated . i hate waking up every morning as its just another **** day you have to try and get through , even when im asleep my minds still running .
ive finally got my appointment through for therapy so we shall see how that goes in a few weeks . 
id do anything for someone to bring him back to me , i really would i love him with all of my heart and everything i possibly can i really miss him everything about him .

our beautiful little boy is called lucas .  

Lucas...what a precious name.  I had our son Nick when I was 26.  I feel your pain...I honestly do.  I just finished watching Sleepless in Seattle....AGAIN!!  And all I could do is cry because it reminded me of our love.  My sister once said to me, "why do you torture yourself".  Ha!  you really think I choose to torture myself?!?!  Let me know how therapy goes.  I've been told for over a year that I need help!  No....I need my husband back!!!!!!

[Marty2121]

56 minutes ago, Millie681 said:

Hi Marty, 

Don't apologize. I'm sorry you had a bad day yesterday. I hope today is better and you have more peace.

Thank you for listening. I'm sorry that you and Chuck had to endure so much in those 14 months of his illness but he had you and that time can never be replaced.  You both knew the love you shared and you can carry that with you. 

I don't know either why God needed them but maybe you're right. Maybe we need to better ourselves or there is more for us to do here but I can't see what that could be  

Have you thought of maybe taking sometime away for yourself? Maybe visit your son? 

If there's more you want to share or if you just need to vent we are here.  

I hope today is better for you. 

Millie

I'm actually going up to Colorado in September for a visit.  I don't like to impose on my son's life, but he asked and I jumped!  He lives with is girlfriend, that to me, is the daughter we never had.

hope you're having an ok kind of day.  As for me...it's 5:00 somewhere!

Peace,

Marty

[StillLoveMelanie]

I know how you both feel.  It's been just over three months now and I still feel the same as the first month.  The weekends are always hard for me.  She kept us on the go.  We were always hiking on a trail she found on line or taking day trips.  We even took the kids along.  She always included them in our plans on the weekends we had them.  The long holiday weekends are far worse.  We wouldn't be at home.  Now I sit at home all by myself.  My kids are older teens.  They work on the weekends or they are hanging out with their friends.  I feel like every day is a challenge to get through them when I really don't want to.  I go to bed every night and still hope I don't wake up the next morning.  I don't think I ever get to see her again,  I just don't want to be here without her.  She was such a huge part of my life.  Now I feel like my life has ended as well.  I miss her and I know I always will.  I've been told that the pain goes away with time.  I don't see that happening and certainly don't see that happening anytime in the near future.  I hate living like this, but still here I am and I don't know why.  I know my kids still need me on some level and I try to stay positive for them, but truth be told, I'm not.  I think about Melanie constantly and it hurts.

Just wanted to let you know, you're not alone

[Marty2121]

13 hours ago, StillLoveMelanie said:

I know how you both feel.  It's been just over three months now and I still feel the same as the first month.  The weekends are always hard for me.  She kept us on the go.  We were always hiking on a trail she found on line or taking day trips.  We even took the kids along.  She always included them in our plans on the weekends we had them.  The long holiday weekends are far worse.  We wouldn't be at home.  Now I sit at home all by myself.  My kids are older teens.  They work on the weekends or they are hanging out with their friends.  I feel like every day is a challenge to get through them when I really don't want to.  I go to bed every night and still hope I don't wake up the next morning.  I don't think I ever get to see her again,  I just don't want to be here without her.  She was such a huge part of my life.  Now I feel like my life has ended as well.  I miss her and I know I always will.  I've been told that the pain goes away with time.  I don't see that happening and certainly don't see that happening anytime in the near future.  I hate living like this, but still here I am and I don't know why.  I know my kids still need me on some level and I try to stay positive for them, but truth be told, I'm not.  I think about Melanie constantly and it hurts.

Just wanted to let you know, you're not alone

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Melanie.  ugh....it hurts so bad!!  This past weekend was one of the saddest one for me yet.  I think of my Chuck 24-7.  You're right though...our kids do need us no matter how old they are.  For them, we have to try and continue.  At least the holiday weekend is over and we survived!!

Hang on..you're in for bumpy road   But I'm here if you'd like to vent.

Peace,

Marty

[Forever His x]

23 hours ago, Marty2121 said:

Lucas...what a precious name.  I had our son Nick when I was 26.  I feel your pain...I honestly do.  I just finished watching Sleepless in Seattle....AGAIN!!  And all I could do is cry because it reminded me of our love.  My sister once said to me, "why do you torture yourself".  Ha!  you really think I choose to torture myself?!?!  Let me know how therapy goes.  I've been told for over a year that I need help!  No....I need my husband back!!!!!!

Thankyou ,  we loved his name as soon as we chose it . 
that made me laugh like we enjoy sitting there listening seeing smelling everything that reminds us of them to feel sad . silly comment eh ! 
Well i say the only thing that can make this all go away and better is by having him back so its either i join him or i try the whole "therapy" thing out but i dont see how its going to help because there not going to bring him back but to be honest i dont know what else to do . im really struggling with this now . i dont even know how to get through the hours its a living nightmare i just cant get it all in my head what hell !! im upset annoyed in shock disbelief numb !!

i just want him back i hate this now life i wake up without him i cant find him anywhere ! i just want for him to hold me to be able to kiss him to see his smile to see him playing and having cuddles with our son , to turn around in the bed and see his beautiful face looking back at me . 
i cant handle this anymore  

[Millie681]

On July 4, 2016 at 7:28 PM, StillLoveMelanie said:

I know how you both feel.  It's been just over three months now and I still feel the same as the first month.  The weekends are always hard for me.  She kept us on the go.  We were always hiking on a trail she found on line or taking day trips.  We even took the kids along.  She always included them in our plans on the weekends we had them.  The long holiday weekends are far worse.  We wouldn't be at home.  Now I sit at home all by myself.  My kids are older teens.  They work on the weekends or they are hanging out with their friends.  I feel like every day is a challenge to get through them when I really don't want to.  I go to bed every night and still hope I don't wake up the next morning.  I don't think I ever get to see her again,  I just don't want to be here without her.  She was such a huge part of my life.  Now I feel like my life has ended as well.  I miss her and I know I always will.  I've been told that the pain goes away with time.  I don't see that happening and certainly don't see that happening anytime in the near future.  I hate living like this, but still here I am and I don't know why.  I know my kids still need me on some level and I try to stay positive for them, but truth be told, I'm not.  I think about Melanie constantly and it hurts.

Just wanted to let you know, you're not alone

This week will be 4 months & I am having such a range of emotions. We didn't have kids & he was my family. It's such a lonely life now. The feeling of loneliness is overwhelming. 

My Paul was like your Melanie. He was the one who would come up with things for us to do. Now I just sit in the house or I go for walks. I feel like a fool sometimes when I am walking & just start crying in the street. It's ridiculous I know but I'm alone now & I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do. I too don't want to wake up. I start the day mad every day because I'm still here.  

[Millie681]

4 hours ago, Forever His x said:

Thankyou ,  we loved his name as soon as we chose it . 
that made me laugh like we enjoy sitting there listening seeing smelling everything that reminds us of them to feel sad . silly comment eh ! 
Well i say the only thing that can make this all go away and better is by having him back so its either i join him or i try the whole "therapy" thing out but i dont see how its going to help because there not going to bring him back but to be honest i dont know what else to do . im really struggling with this now . i dont even know how to get through the hours its a living nightmare i just cant get it all in my head what hell !! im upset annoyed in shock disbelief numb !!

i just want him back i hate this now life i wake up without him i cant find him anywhere ! i just want for him to hold me to be able to kiss him to see his smile to see him playing and having cuddles with our son , to turn around in the bed and see his beautiful face looking back at me . 
i cant handle this anymore  

I know how you feel. I couldn't even sleep in our bed. I just couldn't do it. It was too much to turn & not see him there. I put his shirt over my pillow so I can still smell him.

I hope that the therapy helps you. I started going & it is nice to speak with someone who doesn't judge & allows you to feel what you're feeling.  I had never gone before this but I wanted to try anything that I thought would help. At least you're trying for you & for your son. I hope it brings you some comfort. Even though nothing will ever replace just having him with you. Please know that we understand & you aren't alone in your grief. 

[Millie681]

On July 4, 2016 at 3:35 PM, Marty2121 said:

I'm actually going up to Colorado in September for a visit.  I don't like to impose on my son's life, but he asked and I jumped!  He lives with is girlfriend, that to me, is the daughter we never had.

hope you're having an ok kind of day.  As for me...it's 5:00 somewhere!

Peace,

Marty

Hi Marty 

I am so glad to hear your going. It may be just what you need. I'm sure your son doesn't feel like your imposing but I understand that feeling. It will be good for you to spend time with him & his girlfriend. 

My day yesterday was hard seeing people & families having barbecues & having fun. All I could think of was what would we have been doing? Why ? Why isn't he here? 

I hope that today is a better day for you.  

[Parachute]

On July 2, 2016 at 10:40 AM, Marty2121 said:

Here we go....another holiday without my beloved husband Chuck.  It's been 2 year since he went to Heaven and quite honestly I still feel the same.  I don't cry 24-7, but not a day goes by that I don't shed a tear for him.  It seems like the world is moving right along as I just sit it watch with quite honestly...bitterness and envy that they have someone to share their lives with.  Friends, getting out, keeping busy, nothing helps the pain.  Sometimes I do wish I could find a "friend" just to go to the movies, dinner, or have some conversation with.  I'm human and I need that human touch and stimulation, but I've so afraid to date.  I had a son with Chuck, but he lives in Colorado and has his own life.  I don't want to burden him with worrying about me.  When text everyday and I always tell him I'm doing just fine.  But I'm not fine and I don't know how to be better.  Maybe I need to learn to accept the fact that I got dealt a crappy card and deal with it.  I use to love any holiday that came around because that only meant that Chuck and I would have a free day together to enjoy each other's company.  Whether we went out of town or just hung out by the pool, we talked, laughed, planned, and loved one another immensely!!  So on top of everything else...I HATE HOLIDAYS!!

Sorry for venting, but I think all of you are the only ones that understand the pain.  My friends try to understand, but how could they?  I'm only 55 and I feel like the end is near.  Who else feels like I do??

Just lost my sweetheart 2 weeks ago to cancer...anniversary in August would've been 39 years. I can appreciate the strength of your bond with Chuck. My own grief is very fresh and often overwhelming...tears won't stop. I do notice that grief seems to have and ebb and flow...perhaps so we can just breathe. I hope it will help you to know that others share your pain and care. Though I am so stricken, I can still feel compassion for you and our friends here who are hurting so deeply.

 

[KayC]

Holidays are tough.  They are a stark contrast to what our life was like before.  I can't drive at night because of an eye condition, otherwise I might have gone to the fireworks just to not feel so alone, but perhaps that would have just emphasized my aloneness in a crowd of families celebrating and together.

My husband's enjoyed each and every holiday, I swear he would have celebrated groundhog day!  He especially loved Christmas, so I still decorate the house, just for him, and put up his stocking.  I wish he were here enjoying it with me, but I imagine him enjoying it next to me, and feel he is here is spirit even if not physically.  Perhaps someone will haul me off someday, but it is what it is, and I can't imagine him ever truly being gone even if his physical body is gone.

[Forever His x]

On 06/07/2016 at 1:28 AM, Millie681 said:

I know how you feel. I couldn't even sleep in our bed. I just couldn't do it. It was too much to turn & not see him there. I put his shirt over my pillow so I can still smell him.

I hope that the therapy helps you. I started going & it is nice to speak with someone who doesn't judge & allows you to feel what you're feeling.  I had never gone before this but I wanted to try anything that I thought would help. At least you're trying for you & for your son. I hope it brings you some comfort. Even though nothing will ever replace just having him with you. Please know that we understand & you aren't alone in your grief. 

Im not sleeping in our bed either , i didnt word it very well , i just wish i was and to turn around or just to have his arm over my body having a hug going to sleep and to have a kiss goodnight . im hoping the therapy does something because im not coping at all with any of this . im still trying to figure out a way to bring him back wish me luck on that one ! even though ive not accepted it . i cant understand whats happened even though i know . how can someone so perfect be taken so cruelly what we had was truly magical i dont get how it was taken so quickly . 

i read your reply on the other thread and was nice to hear someone else saying that they do not feel like they will be moving on either although personal choice was nice to hear from someone who had the same point of view . How old are you if you dont mind me asking . 

the only thing i want and need is him just what is going on . im so lost .

[Millie681]

On July 9, 2016 at 3:45 PM, Forever His x said:

Im not sleeping in our bed either , i didnt word it very well , i just wish i was and to turn around or just to have his arm over my body having a hug going to sleep and to have a kiss goodnight . im hoping the therapy does something because im not coping at all with any of this . im still trying to figure out a way to bring him back wish me luck on that one ! even though ive not accepted it . i cant understand whats happened even though i know . how can someone so perfect be taken so cruelly what we had was truly magical i dont get how it was taken so quickly . 

i read your reply on the other thread and was nice to hear someone else saying that they do not feel like they will be moving on either although personal choice was nice to hear from someone who had the same point of view . How old are you if you dont mind me asking . 

the only thing i want and need is him just what is going on . im so lost .

You are going through the same shock as me. I'm in the same situation. One day he's here and the next gone. My therapist said its traumatic & you have to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling.

God blessed you with your son please take comfort in that even though I know it's not enough right now you just want him. Believe me I know.  

I don't mind at all. I'm 40 & Paul was only 34. Here I was thinking I was the older one & I would go 1st   Plus he was the strong one. He held me together. I don't feel strong enough to deal with any of this. 

I so completely understand you feeling lost I really do.  If you want to talk I'm here. You can send me a message anytime. If you want to talk or vent I am here.  

[Forever His x]

22 hours ago, Millie681 said:

You are going through the same shock as me. I'm in the same situation. One day he's here and the next gone. My therapist said its traumatic & you have to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling.

God blessed you with your son please take comfort in that even though I know it's not enough right now you just want him. Believe me I know.  

I don't mind at all. I'm 40 & Paul was only 34. Here I was thinking I was the older one & I would go 1st   Plus he was the strong one. He held me together. I don't feel strong enough to deal with any of this. 

I so completely understand you feeling lost I really do.  If you want to talk I'm here. You can send me a message anytime. If you want to talk or vent I am here.  

Everything you have put , is exactly what is in my own head ! , 

I know i know , i feel so lucky to have our son he truly is amazing , but i do find it hard his a spitting image of his daddy and i shouldnt be enjoying him on my own you know he should be there next to me seeing everything , he missed him taking his first steps he took them 5 weeks after it happened it broke my heart i dont want him changing from the day he saw him . part of me feels so guilty its me seeing it all and not him . he was such and amazing father there were no faults no faults in him as a fiance or a man , he was so perfect to me now my world has crumbled and its crumbled fast and hard . 
and like you how or where are we meant to find this inner strength to get us through it when were broken and hurting inside . 

Life is cruel and has no point anymore , everything looks so different now . 

[Millie681]

20 hours ago, Forever His x said:

Everything you have put , is exactly what is in my own head ! , 

I know i know , i feel so lucky to have our son he truly is amazing , but i do find it hard his a spitting image of his daddy and i shouldnt be enjoying him on my own you know he should be there next to me seeing everything , he missed him taking his first steps he took them 5 weeks after it happened it broke my heart i dont want him changing from the day he saw him . part of me feels so guilty its me seeing it all and not him . he was such and amazing father there were no faults no faults in him as a fiance or a man , he was so perfect to me now my world has crumbled and its crumbled fast and hard . 
and like you how or where are we meant to find this inner strength to get us through it when were broken and hurting inside . 

Life is cruel and has no point anymore , everything looks so different now . 

I know that it isn't enough but I do believe that he can see you & your son & even though he isn't physically here he is still with you. I know it isn't enough but it is something that gives me a little reason to get out of bed.

I agree with you everything looks different now. As if someone took hope & light out of the world. How do we pick up & live when our hearts are so heavy? I just don't know. I want to be positive & I know he wouldn't want me like this but I just don't feel like I'm strong enough.

 If you don't mind me asking how long did you know each other? I am always afraid to ask people questions. I don't know how much people want to share so if you aren't comfortable telling your story I completely understand.

 

[Forever His x]

On 12/07/2016 at 5:29 PM, Millie681 said:

I know that it isn't enough but I do believe that he can see you & your son & even though he isn't physically here he is still with you. I know it isn't enough but it is something that gives me a little reason to get out of bed.

I agree with you everything looks different now. As if someone took hope & light out of the world. How do we pick up & live when our hearts are so heavy? I just don't know. I want to be positive & I know he wouldn't want me like this but I just don't feel like I'm strong enough.

 If you don't mind me asking how long did you know each other? I am always afraid to ask people questions. I don't know how much people want to share so if you aren't comfortable telling your story I completely understand.

 

i totally agree with that , that it isnt enough no but i do believe he can see us both , i just really really need to see him . its been 2 months today and im just totally numb . 
went out to the shops with a friend who has a baby and i went with my toddler today to not sit in the house upset and that even felt the wrong thing to do and felt a horrible person . im going to visit family 2 hours away with my family here with me now , but yet that feels wrong too and makes me feel guilty , all these emotions . i just want him . 

thats exactly it , were somehow meant to find this inner strength and try to fight through it day by day but how when our inside is broken beyond repair doesnt add up does it ?
i also get that too but its hard isnt it when you think they wouldnt want to see you like this but what else do you do . 

no thats fine ive not taken any offence to that questions , we were together for 6 years but felt i had known him for alot longer he is my soul mate . i know it sounds strange coming from someone my age but i dont care what others think what we had was true and was on another scale i was so lucky to have fount the one and to have fount him so young to means we could do life together . it really does suck putting it politely and my heart aches also for our little boy . 
i cant remember if you have said how long you were together with your partner ? . 

[KayC]

I feel George is my soul mate too, we only knew each other 6 1/2 years, were married 3 years 8 months, wasn't nearly long enough!  The quality of relationship seems in direct correlation to our depth of grief.  

I also believe they are still with us even though not physically.

[Millie681]

2 hours ago, Forever His x said:

i totally agree with that , that it isnt enough no but i do believe he can see us both , i just really really need to see him . its been 2 months today and im just totally numb . 
went out to the shops with a friend who has a baby and i went with my toddler today to not sit in the house upset and that even felt the wrong thing to do and felt a horrible person . im going to visit family 2 hours away with my family here with me now , but yet that feels wrong too and makes me feel guilty , all these emotions . i just want him . 

thats exactly it , were somehow meant to find this inner strength and try to fight through it day by day but how when our inside is broken beyond repair doesnt add up does it ?
i also get that too but its hard isnt it when you think they wouldnt want to see you like this but what else do you do . 

no thats fine ive not taken any offence to that questions , we were together for 6 years but felt i had known him for alot longer he is my soul mate . i know it sounds strange coming from someone my age but i dont care what others think what we had was true and was on another scale i was so lucky to have fount the one and to have fount him so young to means we could do life together . it really does suck putting it politely and my heart aches also for our little boy . 
i cant remember if you have said how long you were together with your partner ? . 

I understand that weird feeling being around other people & going out. I was that way also. It wasn't really guilt for me it was more sadness. I just wanted to be in the house not around other people. They are going on with their day & I just lost the love of my life. How is that possible? It will eventually feel better for you to be around your family & friends. The family & friends that hold you up & allow you to feel what you are feeling. Not the ones who want you to rush & get over it. That is something I just don't understand. I am glad that you are going though. It will be good for you to get out of the house & be around your family.

It doesn't sound strange at all.  The fact that you both found that kind of love is special no matter the age. I understand completely how you already had plans for the future to spend the rest of your lives together & to raise your son & now what? I get it completely. I wish I had the right words & the wisdom to say the perfect thing but I don't. All I can say is you have your son & you sound like you have a great support system with your family. You also have all of us here. It may not feel like enough I know but it's a small step.

This is the book that I read & I keep going back to. Maybe give it a try & see if it is helpful.

I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One

Book by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair

 

 

Paul & I knew each other for 10 years. We were together as a couple for what would have been 5 years this year but we were friends for 5 years before we got together. He was honestly my best friend my rock. I miss him more each day.

[Forever His x]

On 13/07/2016 at 10:18 PM, Millie681 said:

I understand that weird feeling being around other people & going out. I was that way also. It wasn't really guilt for me it was more sadness. I just wanted to be in the house not around other people. They are going on with their day & I just lost the love of my life. How is that possible? It will eventually feel better for you to be around your family & friends. The family & friends that hold you up & allow you to feel what you are feeling. Not the ones who want you to rush & get over it. That is something I just don't understand. I am glad that you are going though. It will be good for you to get out of the house & be around your family.

It doesn't sound strange at all.  The fact that you both found that kind of love is special no matter the age. I understand completely how you already had plans for the future to spend the rest of your lives together & to raise your son & now what? I get it completely. I wish I had the right words & the wisdom to say the perfect thing but I don't. All I can say is you have your son & you sound like you have a great support system with your family. You also have all of us here. It may not feel like enough I know but it's a small step.

This is the book that I read & I keep going back to. Maybe give it a try & see if it is helpful.

I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One

Book by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair

 

 

Paul & I knew each other for 10 years. We were together as a couple for what would have been 5 years this year but we were friends for 5 years before we got together. He was honestly my best friend my rock. I miss him more each day.

i am back home now after visiting family , and in all honestly it was horrible yes granted it was good to see family ect , but so hard looking round seeing them all there enjoying baby and then me searching for him and not seeing him there then looking next to me in panic mode thinking ok his going to be next to me it was heartbreaking and i got upset alot just like i do at home , it helped me make my mind up though so it did benefit me i thought i really wanted to move and i couldnt handle it here anymore , but going away i couldnt wait to get back i felt so distant from him and realised how much i need the house , yes its hard because i came back and really wanted him to be here . 
been confusing with emotions as im happy to be back close to him but upset at the same time . so were going to have a move around in here so its not exactly the same . 
yes im very lucky to have the family around me we were all so close its broken everyone . but as you know i just want him . 

i will track that book down and look up on it , i have my first counselling session tuesday unless his there i dont see what i will get out of it .

thats also a long time to of known each other , its horrible because on here everyone understands one another yet theres nothing anyone can do to help . 

[Millie681]

4 hours ago, Forever His x said:

i am back home now after visiting family , and in all honestly it was horrible yes granted it was good to see family ect , but so hard looking round seeing them all there enjoying baby and then me searching for him and not seeing him there then looking next to me in panic mode thinking ok his going to be next to me it was heartbreaking and i got upset alot just like i do at home , it helped me make my mind up though so it did benefit me i thought i really wanted to move and i couldnt handle it here anymore , but going away i couldnt wait to get back i felt so distant from him and realised how much i need the house , yes its hard because i came back and really wanted him to be here . 
been confusing with emotions as im happy to be back close to him but upset at the same time . so were going to have a move around in here so its not exactly the same . 
yes im very lucky to have the family around me we were all so close its broken everyone . but as you know i just want him . 

i will track that book down and look up on it , i have my first counselling session tuesday unless his there i dont see what i will get out of it .

thats also a long time to of known each other , its horrible because on here everyone understands one another yet theres nothing anyone can do to help . 

I am glad that you went though. At least you tried & that's what matters. If it helped you at least make a decision on your living situation then I am glad you got something out of it.

I totally get it. You just expect him to be there. I am sorry that you have so much to deal with. I had to do the same but I basically did it alone. I had to move out of his house & make all of the decisions so quickly. I didn't want to leave his house because that's where we were together & at my place I have no memories with him. It's heartbreaking & you feel like you can't breath. 

For the counseling give it a try.  I like going because I get to talk about him & how I'm feeling without being judged or forced to feel like it's time for me to move on.  I hope you get something out of it. Even if it's to just talk & cry. I hope the book helps alittle let me know what you think. 

I like coming on here because I get to speak to people who understand. Even though I'm sadder than I have ever been since he passed at least you all understand.

I hope & wish strength for you. Anytime you need to talk I'm here. 

[KayC]

I'm sorry it was horrible.  It's so darn hard to go through.  I lost my husband on Father's Day, years ago, and I remember when the 4th of July rolled around a couple of weeks later...I was invited to a party.  No way could I have attended a party!  They thought it'd do me good to get out.  Huh?  Nope, they don't have a clue what it's like.

[Forever His x]

18 hours ago, Millie681 said:

I am glad that you went though. At least you tried & that's what matters. If it helped you at least make a decision on your living situation then I am glad you got something out of it.

I totally get it. You just expect him to be there. I am sorry that you have so much to deal with. I had to do the same but I basically did it alone. I had to move out of his house & make all of the decisions so quickly. I didn't want to leave his house because that's where we were together & at my place I have no memories with him. It's heartbreaking & you feel like you can't breath. 

For the counseling give it a try.  I like going because I get to talk about him & how I'm feeling without being judged or forced to feel like it's time for me to move on.  I hope you get something out of it. Even if it's to just talk & cry. I hope the book helps alittle let me know what you think. 

I like coming on here because I get to speak to people who understand. Even though I'm sadder than I have ever been since he passed at least you all understand.

I hope & wish strength for you. Anytime you need to talk I'm here. 

yes although it was terrible , i think i needed it to come to the decision of staying put , i hated feeling so distant and i want him to know where his son is and will be growing up and the same for our son to be where his daddy was . 
Every day is bad and i dont feel there are "better" days but i feel there are worse days and today i feel like that but im not to sure why obviously i know why but think im very numb again today , and also knowing i have therapy tomorrow . 

that must of been very hard not being able to make that choice about living arrangements and just having to do it . 
i understand what you mean by coming on here you like it as you get to air your views and talk and no ones judges on your thoughts and they understand . when all you really want is to be with them and not be talking to everyone on here . 

i really dont understand how we can call this a "life" now its just like what ! . 
can someone just not bring them back to us ? im ready now . 

Thankyou , and i also wish the same to you . 

[Forever His x]

18 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm sorry it was horrible.  It's so darn hard to go through.  I lost my husband on Father's Day, years ago, and I remember when the 4th of July rolled around a couple of weeks later...I was invited to a party.  No way could I have attended a party!  They thought it'd do me good to get out.  Huh?  Nope, they don't have a clue what it's like.

i can relate to that feeling when others "think" they know what is best for you and will do you "good" . 

After this all happened two days later i rang my friend and explained in floods of tears , and her reply was oh bless you darling im sure yourll be ok though . 
now as you can guess we are no longer friends . 

sometimes when people dont know what to say they need to just not say anything . they really dont have no clue , 

People like that need not bother ! . 

[Millie681]

16 hours ago, Forever His x said:

yes although it was terrible , i think i needed it to come to the decision of staying put , i hated feeling so distant and i want him to know where his son is and will be growing up and the same for our son to be where his daddy was . 
Every day is bad and i dont feel there are "better" days but i feel there are worse days and today i feel like that but im not to sure why obviously i know why but think im very numb again today , and also knowing i have therapy tomorrow . 

that must of been very hard not being able to make that choice about living arrangements and just having to do it . 
i understand what you mean by coming on here you like it as you get to air your views and talk and no ones judges on your thoughts and they understand . when all you really want is to be with them and not be talking to everyone on here . 

i really dont understand how we can call this a "life" now its just like what ! . 
can someone just not bring them back to us ? im ready now . 

Thankyou , and i also wish the same to you . 

I feel the same. I just want him here. That's all. I don't want to hear it was his time. People keep saying that & I know it's selfish but where was our time together? 

I hope you get something out of the therapy. I'll be thinking of you.   

[Forever His x]

Yes exactly some people come out with some rubbish , i stand there and think i wonder if the answer would of been "it was there time" if it was your love . its as if people say something and thats that its all meant to be ok well thank you very much for solving this situation for me ! Not . 

therapy was ok just a meet and greet so im curious as to what will happen at the next meet as my answer to everything as ive said before is bring him back . 

I had doctors yesterday to up my anti depressants i know they are not going to help the situation but i have to try all options to try and help myself for my son . not for my own . 
And ok im up for everyone having the beliefs but dont push them on other people , she said to me that she is Asian and were she comes from they believe that what happens in this life is due to their previous lifes , whilst i was sat there crying , and she also asked personal details that she didnt need to know so by this time i was shocked and angry frowned and her an answered as to be honest i did not expect that response from a bloody doctor ! so now im annoyed at myself that i just sat there in dis belief because i feel i let her talk bad about my partner as if there isnt enough going on around my head ! Just so shocking . 
Was not something i wanted to be hearing .  
i also understand from people who have experienced it and say that with time the pain eases ect , but from people who havent its beggining to irate me like no go away time means the longer ive not seen him for . and then people say oh your angry not to worry just another stage of the grieving process . 

i dont want to be grieving at all let alone you telling me what you think is going on in my head ! 

And thankyou . 
 

[KayC]

Try not to blame yourself, you were caught off guard and I highly doubt you expected anything like that.  I'm one of those people that thinks of all kinds of comebacks later, but at the time I'm speechless.