My brother was found dead yesterday

[allyre]

I found out tonight that my brother had died, alone and in bed.  He was only 51.  He hadn't been in touch for a couple of weeks but he was prone to not answering the phone and shutting himself away.  I had phoned him, e-mailed him and even sent him a letter.  I was mad at him because it was my mum's birthday last week and he didn't phone or send a card - now I know why.  He had had a bit of a falling out with my mum a few weeks ago, we had a troubled childhood and he couldn't let it drop.  Every few months he would rip into my mum (and me - even though I had the same childhood he somehow blamed me for things I had done as a child).  For years I listened to his woes.  He would phone me and tell me we would all be better off without him and then he would go into hiding, not answering his phone, texts anything.  At one stage after another episode of this I was convinced he had killed himself and was so full of anxiety that I ended up with depression.  He however bounced back and phoned me full of beans.  We don't know what has happened to him yet, but it doesn't look as though he has taken his own life.  I just feel so guilty - he has probably been lying dead for a week and I knew nothing about it.  Last night I went to his flat and managed to get in through the door entry system.  I don't have a key but I battered on his doors, knocked his neighbours doors but no answer.  The police eventually came and rammed the door down and they found him dead.  The smell from outside the flat was awful - I didn't go in, I just couldn't.  Now I feel so incredibly guilty - we used to be very close but he pushed me to the edge of madness at points with his demanding behaviour and disappearing acts.  He suffered from depression (as do I) but he didn't work, didn't have friends and preferred to keep out of the way of us.  I don't know what to do, I can't face sympathy from people (I don't deserve it anyway).  I've let him down and I will never forgive myself that he died alone.

 

[ModKonnie]

Allyre,

I am so very sorry for your loss. There are many people here who have suffered similar losses. They may be able to offer you support and encouragement. Please take care of yourself. 

ModKonnie

[seachelle]

It is so devastating to lose someone so suddenly, especially when there was unresolved tension in the relationship.  I would urge you to stop blaming yourself. There is nothing you could have done, short of physically forcing him to turn over all of his medical records and sitting with him 24/7 to prevent this.  I think that while the guilt is normal, it appears that your prior, dysfunctional family circumstances may be influencing the level of guilt you are feeling. have you considered seeing a counselor to at least help you resolve some of the feelings around the family discord?  Aside from that, I would take advantage of these boards and encourage you to realize that the guilt is part of the grief.  So many people here, even one's who didn't experience loss in the same way, feel the guilt of not being able to do more for their love one.  We are here for you!

[Lynnee]

I am so very sorry for your loss.   My brother ended his life and was found dead in May 2.  He was depressed but did not reach out for help, even though it was within reach.  We will bury him this week, it is difficult.  My elderly parents are at a loss.  He was 54 years old.  Always talked about others, never himself, had a secret.....told no one.  Everyone was caught off guard.    How do you move on?    Lived in another state, it was easier to hide from us.   I feel terrible, my baby brother is gone but life goes on.